Sex dilemma - please don't judge

[jess123]

I am seeking non-judgemental advice please. I am a 35 year old female lecturer and in a relationship of 3 years with a man 10 years older than me. We don’t live together or want marriage and we have our own lives, but we get on well and he is a lovely, kind and loyal boyfriend who I love. I have experienced a few crushes during our relationship, which I have ignored and overcome and remained faithful. Recently a previous student of mine (who now works at the college) who is 10 years my junior and I have been flirting and really enjoying each other’s company. He fancies me and I know that sex could be on the cards. I am so incredibly attracted to him – I have thought of nothing else for the past few weeks and have stopped eating. The thought of not sleeping with him is killing me. I am not under any illusion about a potential relationship happening – although the younger man is lovely and decent (he doesn’t know about my boyfriend) we are not compatible long-term and it is only about the sex – for me and I think for him. Though I know that common advice would tell me to ignore my lustful feelings as they represent immaturity and a lack of responsibility, at the same time a big part of me is wondering why I couldn’t just have sex with this guy and fulfil that fantasy rather than obsessing about it all hours of every day. It feels like a sacrifice to leave things undone. My partner doesn’t want an open relationship and says the idea of me sleeping with someone else is horrendous for him. Should I break up in order to have sex with this man or do I stay and feel resentful and as if I’ve missed a thrilling opportunity? What is wrong with me? Again, please offer me non-judgemental advice - thank you.

[Boisdevie]

It sounds as if the relationship you are in is not satisfying you, hence these desires for the other guy. So if you want to have sex with this other guy go ahead - but end things with your boyfriend first - cheating is not nice and it's unecessary.

[Shewolf]

I agree with Boisdevie..probably your relationship (and sex in it?) is not satisfying you enough so either try to work things there first or leave. I always thought cheating is the lowest thing you can do to someone you love. And if you dont love enough then you should leave the relationship in first place.
You know, may be only fantasy is driving you towards this coledge boy. But in the end sex may be good or it may suck too. And you will be damn sorry for cheating if it will suck. So clear first with yourself what you really want. If you want to stay with the man you are in relationship with or not. If you choose so, than work on your relationship. If not, then simply leave the man and freely try the young one.

[TheEvilJester]

I have personally never agreed with the idea of an "open relationship." But, to each his/her own. If that is what works for a couple, then fine. However, obviously your boyfriend is NOT okay with that. So, really your options are you either break up with him, or you forget about this younger guy. It is okay to have little crushes here and there because you cannot help that. As long as it does not become more than just a little crush. As long as you always remember that your heart should only belong to the person with whom you are in a relationship. As long as, at the end of the day, you wouldn't do anything to hurt your significant other.

I would suggest you do a bit of soul searching with yourself. Why exactly are you so obsessed with this younger guy? Is there something you are not getting from your current relationship? Because you do not want to be doomed to always ruin your relationships by having that "grass is always greener" kind of attitude. If you always wind up looking for "the next best thing" when you are in a relationship, then you will never have a relationship that will last. I am not saying any of this to be judgmental, but just to be honest. You really do need to decide what you truly want. You cannot stay with your boyfriend and also sleep with this other guy. That would be a betrayal of your boyfriend. But, you also want to seriously examine if there is something that you are missing from your current relationship, or is this just a pattern where you start to get complacent with a relationship and look outside of it? Because if it is a pattern, you will seriously want to examine why you do that to yourself and try to stop. Good luck either way.

[surfhb]

^^^. This

The problem is why you're so obsessive about this younger guy. Maybe therapy will help? A couple sessions perhaps?

[dem862]

The truth will set you free. Share your circumstances with both men and see what happens. The situation will sort itself out. You may lose both of them.

[Wakeup]

Oh, I doubt she'll lose the guy that wants in. At least until he gets in anyway.

Why would you need to ask this question of strangers, Op. You know right from wrong.

[Starnique]

Right. Its like duh....

[michelle23]

Your obviously not happy in your relationship. Stop settling for second best. I havnt had any "crushes" or flirting in a 6 year relationship and I am more than happy and satisfied with what I have. If hes not fulfilling you and your unhappy-why are you still with him? Cheating is not the answer. Grow a pair and do the right thing

[jess123]

Thanks for the advice so far. EvilJester and Surfhb I think your advice was spot on and that looking into the psychological reasons behind this would be a good idea - especially since I have had previous crushes. It's happened in every relationship I've ever been in to be honest. Contrary to how it may seem, the current relationship with my bf is the most honest one I've ever had and I have been able to be open with him about my feelings at the moment. So for me it's about why do I always get crushes which ultimately sabotage my relationship. Bf wonders if I subconsciously don't think I deserve to be happy so I self sabotage. I think a couple of therapy sessions would be good.

WakeUp and Starnique - obviously I know morally what is right and wrong and in my original post I did specify that I am not looking to cheat but am weighing up the options I do have available to me (that are moral choices). Michelle23 you are lucky and I would suggest fairly unusual in never having had a crush in your 6 year relationship?

I would be interested to know if, in all honesty, what proportion of people in relationships admit to having had crushes. I know it doesn't normally get to the stage I am at where it potentially ends the relationship, but I'm pretty sure that an awful lot of people have crushes and I think the stats are that 60%-70% of people act on it and are unfaithful. In long term relationships surely it is common for the sex to become less hot and the relationship to shift into a familiarity phase. At that stage the roving eye comes in. I am not justifying anything but merely commenting on my observations.

[Izgar]

honestly during my 6 year marriage I never even looked at another woman. being anonymous on here helps me say that in all that time, my wife was the only one in my fantasies. This is causing my own problems now though but thats a different story lol.
In my opinion I think you should forget the younger guy and look into yourself and find out why you don't lust after your current bf in that same way. if its just the sex as you say then try to spice things up a little. Watch a little porn on your own and get some ideas from it, then do something that you've never done before. You need a bit of excitement from the sounds of it, so try to create it in your current relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

I think that is the sort of thing that just varies by person. For me, I'd be the wrong person to ask. As corny as it may sound, when I am in a relationship, I only have eyes for that one woman. Heck, even when the relationship starts to get bad, my loyalty remains strong. It isn't until things get really bad that I start noticing other women and sometimes getting little mini-crushes. I still would never act on them, and would never even wish to do so. They never get to be more than just an innocent little school-boy type crush. But, even that takes my actual relationship being pretty damn bad.

That said, I aknowledge that I'm probably not normal. Well.... okay, I'm DEFINITELY not normal, but I'm probably also not normal in that apsect. So, I'm sure it is normal to get little crushes here and there even when in a relationship, but you should never let them get as strong as this seems to have become for you. I say "let" but I realize is isn't necessarily like you have control of it. At least not until you learn why you are doing it, and how best to get yourself to stop.

It sounds like you have a really good thing with your boyfriend. If that is true, then I would recommend you do whatever you can to figure out why you are doing this to yourself and learn to stop. Unless you just aren't happy with your boyfriend. Somebody could be absolutely the most perfect person in the world, but if they are not for you, then they are just not for you. However, if that is not the case, if your boyfriend otherwise seems perfect for you, then were I you, I would do anything to maintain that relationship.

Either way, good luck, my friend. I hope you are able to decide what makes you most happy in life and pursue that.

[surfhb]

I thinks it's cool you're able to discuss this with him....it sounds like you have? Either way, you're an intelligent girl. I definitely go see a counselor about this and see what comes out of your sessions.

[Wakeup]

WakeUp and Starnique - obviously I know morally what is right and wrong and in my original post I did specify that I am not looking to cheat but am weighing up the options I do have available to me

Yes, I know, I read that but my question was: You know what to do, why do you need to ask stranger if you should do the right thing? You know right from wrong.

If you're getting crushes over and over while within a relationship then you are putting yourself in a position to become vulnerable to another. Do you hang one on one with this young man without your partner present? Are you disclosing made up or even real problems you may have with your bf with your crush which facilitates becoming vulnerable to him, which in turn allows you to become infatuated?

Anyway, there are lots of reasons that would make you crush on someone. Just because we are in a relationship it doesn't mean we stop finding others attractive and if we let things escalate by doing bonding type activities with someone else then its very likely to lead to "grass SEEMS greener" syndrome. You should have figured that out after the first crush while in a relationship with someone else.

You have to have boundaries, both personal and relationship types in order to keep yourself out of the situations you KEEP FINDING YOURSELF in.

You seem to have a lack of relationship boundaries if you keep finding yourself in crushdom.