Mid-life crisis, thinking about divorce

[Debaser]

Long story short, I married the first girl I dated. We've been married 15 years, have two wonderful kids, successful careers, etc.---but I've always wondered if I married too soon. I do love her in many ways, but I've never been as "head over heels" for her as I have been for other people, before and since I was married. Why I married her in the first place is a topic for another thread entirely, and it's too late now to deal with that.

The point is, I'm 39 and facing a hardcore mid-life crisis. I'm in shape and I'm more confident than I ever was in my youth, and I have a lot of trouble keeping my mind off other people. My wife is a good person, but I don't consider her a "soul mate" or whatever you want to call that. We've been to marriage counseling, we're working on improving our chemistry and all that, but honestly I just don't think my heart is in it any more. (FYI - I love my kids and will stay as involved as possible throughout it all.)

So now I'm at a fork in the road, and as far as I can tell it comes down to these two mindsets:

A) The fact is, yes I married too soon and yes I might be able to have a deeper connection with someone else, but I’m ok with that because my career and my family are also important to me and they are very rewarding. Compared to the dilemmas many people face, my situation is not bad at all and the grass is simply greener where you water it.

~ OR ~

B) If I’m not passionately in love with the person I’m with, then the rest doesn’t matter to me. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. It’s risky—and the stakes are higher for both success and failure—but I’d rather try and fail than not try at all.


What do you guys think? With the limited information above, would you rather be a person that chooses A or B?

[vashti]

Considering you have 2 kids, I would suggest you think long and hard about tearing apart your family. The grass really isn't greener, and the damage you cause your children is in many ways irreparable. "Soul mate" is a silly term used by adolescents who have no concept of the work it takes to sustain any long-term relationship.

Maybe you should try doing some FUN things with your wife, in order to build some sense of excitement. Studies show that excitement about a mutual activity transfers to the way you feel about the person you do that activity with...

[smackie9]

Maybe you should go to counseling alone. I think you will be able to express your feelings on this in a more open way without her being there.

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I have a question....are you finding yourself being emotionally attached to someone you work with? and this is the reason why you have pushed into these crossroads?

[michelle23]

Have you cheated on her?

I think you need to learn the difference between infatuation and love.

Also realize that divorced people come with a lot of baggage. I would hate to be over 40, divorced, with kids and trying to find someone half decent. Its like looking for a needle in a haystack.

[Debaser]

Maybe you should go to counseling alone. I think you will be able to express your feelings on this in a more open way without her being there.

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I have a question....are you finding yourself being emotionally attached to someone you work with? and this is the reason why you have pushed into these crossroads?

Wow, you really hit the nail on the head. Yes, I've been going to therapy/counseling on my own for a few weeks now, and yes I do find myself emotionally attached to someone I work with. That relationship is a dead end---but it has opened my eyes to what I think I'm missing.

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Have you cheated on her?

I think you need to learn the difference between infatuation and love.

Also realize that divorced people come with a lot of baggage. I would hate to be over 40, divorced, with kids and trying to find someone half decent. Its like looking for a needle in a haystack.

No, I haven't cheated on her. I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to resist if the opportunity presented itself, but I wouldn't go out of my way to create the opportunity, either. In other words, I'm not interested in an affair or doing anything extra-marital, but there's no doubt my mind wanders.

[michelle23]

Did you feel unhappy in your marriage before becoming emotionally attached to your colleague or has this caused the distance between you and your wife?

It takes two people to make a marriage work. How have you contributed to the issues in your relationship? When did you stop having date nights, romance, excitement with your wife? How is your sex life with her? You get as much out of a marriage as you put in and right now you are investing yourself in someone else which is wrong. The grass isnt always greener. And leaving your wife for someone else is a horrible way to end a marriage so dont go there.

Either cut the other woman out of your life and fight for your marriage or leave your marriage now and take some time to be alone before putting all your eggs in one basket.

Dont make any impulsive decisions based on your infatuation of your colleague. Affairs rarely work out and its dysfunctional to ne having this emotional affair while you are in counselling with yoyr wife pretending you are interested in fixing things.

Its time to grow up, be a man and do the right thing. No matter how bad your marriage is, your wife doesn't deserve being strung along while you feed your fear of being alone and insecurity by lining up a plan B.

[Debaser]

Did you feel unhappy in your marriage before becoming emotionally attached to your colleague or has this caused the distance between you and your wife?

It takes two people to make a marriage work. How have you contributed to the issues in your relationship? When did you stop having date nights, romance, excitement with your wife? How is your sex life with her? You get as much out of a marriage as you put in and right now you are investing yourself in someone else which is wrong. The grass isnt always greener. And leaving your wife for someone else is a horrible way to end a marriage so dont go there.

Either cut the other woman out of your life and fight for your marriage or leave your marriage now and take some time to be alone before putting all your eggs in one basket.

Dont make any impulsive decisions based on your infatuation of your colleague. Affairs rarely work out and its dysfunctional to ne having this emotional affair while you are in counselling with yoyr wife pretending you are interested in fixing things.

Its time to grow up, be a man and do the right thing. No matter how bad your marriage is, your wife doesn't deserve being strung along while you feed your fear of being alone and insecurity by lining up a plan B.

Yes, I've been unhappy in my marriage for quite a while. We are very open with each other and she's aware of my issues with our relationship, and I'm aware of hers. The infatuation with this other person did not cause the rift, but it has certainly widened it. We stopped having date nights years ago when the kids came along, but that's one of the things I've insisted on returning to. She's been open to it, but always feels guilty about being away from the kids and never really enjoys herself.

As for the other woman, it's never going to happen. It's complicated and it would never work for one reason or another, but the fact that I could feel so deeply for someone has me very concerned about my own marriage.

I agree with you completely that my wife doesn't deserve to be strung along while I line up a plan B, and I don't have a plan B lined up. I'm either going to stop the "buyer's remorse" and learn to be happy with what I have, or I'm going to make a fresh start and hope for the best.To me, both options seem appealing, and disappointing, in their own ways.

[loverocker]

sir plan B is good, take a deep breath and go for it.

[smackie9]

A trial separation can be your first step to see if this is what you want. Give yourself 6 months before handing over divorce papers.

[michelle23]

How old are your children? Do you love your wife? Every marriage has their rough patches and young children can get in the way of romance at times but it is possible to work through it and try to save it.

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You need to cut the other woman off. You cant make a wise decision with her in the picture. Shes making your brain fuzzy which makes it hard to make a rational decision that is good for everyone

[Valixy]

Most relationships start experiencing routine setting in once that the honeymoon phase is gone and for your new partner you'd have to make the same efforts at some point that you should be doing for your wife now. It is always about reaching a compromise, the difference will be that you're going to be with another woman, who most probably will struggle to accept your ex and your kids being such an important part of your life, will want or have her own children and besides, all your life, timetable, economy will undergo a huge change.

Most of the couples you know are going or will go through the same thing and a new relationship you could be in will have its own problems. Also keep in mind that sometimes we aren't even aware of how much we've built in life and how much of our personal happiness has been created just for being together with the person whose imperfections we got to know so well in time.

Love is so much more than passion. While most of us can get passionate about someone for some time, only a few are capable of offering us a stable, loyal and prosperous relationship that could pass the test of time.

P.S. The concept of soul mate is generally misunderstood. You can have more or less karmic connections with a person you meet in life, but we are all an equal part of the Oversoul. No one will appear in your life to offer you a continuous bliss, but an opportuniy to grow as a person and learn to value what is really important. There is no successful love relationship without sacrifice.

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Also realize that divorced people come with a lot of baggage. I would hate to be over 40, divorced, with kids and trying to find someone half decent. Its like looking for a needle in a haystack.

There are many decent men and women over 40, Michele. Relationships are a bit more complex, yes, but when new relationships are started for the right reasons, they are muuuch more enjoyable then they were at 20. Self confidence, experience and reborn enthusiasm can offer so much more than one who hasn't been there yet could think. People in their 20ies don't lack many important qualities but those qualities need to be perfected.

[chinagirl]

Have you cheated

Also realize that divorced people come with a lot of baggage. I would hate to be over 40, divorced, with kids and trying to find someone half decent. Its like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Majority of people has got baggage... Not only divorced people. I've met single men who are weirdos, quirky and needy, I couldn't see myself going out again with such characters. The divorced guys that I've met we're more decent, mature and understanding of my needs. I guess, Their experience having been married and subsequently divorced have helped shaped
them to be better persons. Again, this is not true for everybody, I'm just speaking for myself based on my experience. The key is to not generalize one's statement and categorized people based on their status in life.

[smackie9]

Michelle needs to stick with the teenager forum.

[chinagirl]

Michelle needs to stick with the teenager forum.

I agree.....

[Debaser]

How old are your children? Do you love your wife? Every marriage has their rough patches and young children can get in the way of romance at times but it is possible to work through it and try to save it.

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You need to cut the other woman off. You cant make a wise decision with her in the picture. Shes making your brain fuzzy which makes it hard to make a rational decision that is good for everyone

The kids are 9 and 12. You asked if I love my wife: the short answer is yes. She is very dear to me and I don't want to hurt her, but I also know that if we were dating and there were no kids, I would not ask her to marry me today. We've had our ups and downs, and I know as well as anyone the challenges of keeping the spark with kids and careers in the mix. FWIW, we came close to a divorce in 2009 or so and managed to work through it with quite a bit of effort on both sides.

You're also right about the difficulty of making rational decisions with the other woman still in my life. Unfortunately, we work together in a small office so it's very difficult not to think about her, but she does not flirt with me any more or make any advances. It's all in my imagination, so I do my best to control that. I have a sticky note on my desk that says "IDMINGTH". No one knows what that means, but I know it means "it doesn't matter, it's never going to happen" and I say that to myself a couple dozen times a day (I know, it's pathetic).

I appreciate everyone's feedback. If nothing else, it has confirmed that both decisions seem to have merit. But I still don't have the slightest idea of what I will do.