in love with my married best freind

[friendsonly]

So let me start by saying that I know I'm an a-hole for feeling the way I do so please I'm looking for advice not to get beat up more. So here is the story, I did change all the names. I'm almost 40 and usually a very mellow person. I usually have great control over emotions and actions and am very logical. I was married for 7 years and got divorced at about 30 and have had a total of 7 long term serious relationships including those I'll talk about below. Just over 6 years ago I started working at my current job. At the time I was in a relationship with Lisa who I have a 5 year old daughter with. She was having lots of issues and we split up soon after my daughter was born. I was single for a while till about 4 years ago I met my wife Rachel, and we started dating. We moved in together and decided to have a child who was born a year and a half ago.

So here is my problem. When I started working at my current job there was a wonderful woman(Brandi) working there. We immediately hit it off as friends. She supported me and helped me out thru my breakup with Lisa and we have been friends since then. She has been in a relationship with Ron for 10 years and happily married for 7. We have continued being friends since we met and have been very close the whole time. Our families do things together and our kids play together and even go to the same school. Brandi and I go to lunch regularly and even go workout together 4 times a week. Like I said before I have always been really good at controlling my emotions, but with Brandi, I hate to say, I fell in love with many years ago. I would never do anything to harm her relationship with her husband or family so for 5 years I have never said anything. I also have never had any expectations of ever being anything but friends with her even though I am completely in love with her and that is why I moved on, never said anything and married Rachel who I do love very much. I told myself that my love for Rachel would eventually get me over the feelings that I have for Brandi and life would move on. So till about 3 months ago all was going well even though my feelings have not changed. Brandi and I have continued to be best friends and Lisa and Ron have been very accepting and supportive of us being friends.

3 months ago however, a complete stranger walked up to me at work and out of nowhere just asked me "have you told her?" I must have been daydreaming as I was watching Brandi work with a client and it must have been the way that I was looking at her, but this stranger caught me totally by surprise. I looked at her puzzled and she proceeded to say again, "have you told her, Have you told her how you feel?" I tried dismissing the comment but after talking to her for a minute I gave in and told her no. She said that she could tell how I felt just by the way that I was looking at Brandi and that I needed to let her know. I told her she was married and my best friend and that I didn't want to ruin that, but she proceeded to tell me that if I paid attention to how she was acting I would notice that she probably already knows and that I was already loosing her. Then she said good luck and walked away.

This through me for a loop. I could not believe that I had been so stupid as to let a total stranger see right through me. Then I started wondering that if I was being that obvious, then all of those close to us must have already seen the same thing. I also started paying attention to how Brandi was acting and did notice some things had changed in the last few months. Brandi is a very outgoing and touchy person. She gives hugs to everyone and is very friendly. She used to give me a hug almost every day and would sometimes lean on me or come and hold on to my arm. All of that kind of stuff was not happening now even though she still did all that with lots of our other coworkers. So after a couple of months I decided that I would tell Brandi how I felt as to avoid someone else saying it and because I have always been completely honest with her about everything. I knew that this was risky as it might make things awkward but I was going to do it anyway and hope our friendship would be strong enough to survive this. I was doing this not with the intention that she would tell me that she feels the same or that something might come out of it but instead with the thought that she might just be ok with it and that she would accept that this is just the way I feel and nothing else has to change. Her friendship means everything to me and I would rather have her as a friend and never be able to make it more than that, than not have her in my life at all.

So now its done. I told her last week on Friday and she listened like the great friend that she is. She tried to talk me out of my feelings saying that I did not know what I was talking about. That she is a horrible person and that I only feel that way because I have not lived with her. Of course that did nothing to change my mind as I know her all to well and know that she is an amazing person. We talked for a while and she said that it was ok and gave me a hug. The weekend went by and everything seemed ok and we went to the gym on Monday as usual where we talked some more about it. She seemed like She was more hesitant and then said that we were going to have to set some boundaries. I had told her that I was willing to do anything that it took to make her happy and to make sure that our friendship did not change. She said she would let me know and as we left the gym said "I do love you" and she got in her car and left.

Then is when it all started and now I am going crazy. On Monday evening she texted that we were not going to the gym on Tuesday. She did go on her own. Since then she has stopped texting me and is not really telling me anything else. We have not done anything together all week and I really am missing my best friend. I've tried to come up with solutions or reasons on why this is happening but I'm just pulling my hair out. Keep in mind that we work in the same area all week. I'm stressed out which I never am, everyone is asking what's wrong with me, and I cant focus on anything but trying to figure out what changed and worst of all is now my wife is getting worried because even at home my mind is so preoccupied. I finally figured out that what is bothering me is not knowing the why it has changed. I can only think of two reasons.
Reason 1: She actually feels the same as I do or at least is starting to and she wants to separate herself from me so this does not go any further as to affect either of our marriages
Reason 2: For about two weeks before I told Brandi how I felt, she had been saying that her husband was worried that one of her other friends(brad) was in love with her. This is a friend that she is close to but she never really spends any time with him(I would know). He is also twice her age and not in good health. She told me that she reassured her husband that he was not and that they were just friends but that if Ron asked her to, she would stop talking to Brad but that he should trust her. I think she was trying to protect me but that her husband was actually referring to me and not to Brad, and that she feels like she now has either lie to her husband in order to stay my friend or stop being my friend al together as her husband requested.

I'm trying to decide weather I should bring it up again and ask her or just leave it alone and give it some time. I'd love to believe that leaving all this behind and just walking away would fix all of this but its not so easy. First of all we work together and I would be hard pressed to find another job that pays as good or where I would not have to start from scratch again, and of course the truth is I don't want to loose this friendship. I would be willing to do just about anything to save it and to keep her as a friend. She means the world to me.

I know some people will say that I'm stringing my wife along and that I need to focus on my marriage and not my friend. I have already thought about this and I have been trying more than anything to focus on my wife, but I cant seem to help how I feel about Brandi(though I do keep both things very separate). Like any marriage we have problems but we talk about them and resolve most issues. (No I have not talked about how I feel about Brandi with her, I feel like I would only hurt her and I really do love her, however I do not like to my wire about Brandi, what we do or what we talk about.)
Others are going to say that I have no business messing with a married woman, Your right, Just like I have told Brandi I don't want to mess with her. I want to be her friend and she wants to be mine as far as I know. I want to save something that has been so special for more than 5 years. I would be the first to help her save her marriage if it was ever in trouble. I talk to Ron as well and I love the guy. I don't want to step in his territory and would never do so, Even though I love his wife like he does.

And last but not least yes I realize I'm having an emotional affair with my best friend. Yes I am a jerk for wanting to continue this, but this is what has been working for 5 years and she is what makes me happy, And I do think I deserve to be happy, even if it has to be like this but never at anyone's expense. So if it all has to end for Brandi to be happy then so be it, I would do that as well. I would just like to know.

Sorry I have vented for so long. Thank you all for letting me do so. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Id really like to hear them and I do promise to take everything into consideration.

[woody]

Dear 'friendsonly',

First off, I'd like to say your level of honesty bodes well for your situation. Secondly, i'm sorry your enduring this as it couldn't be easy.
I would imagine your present wife 'Rachel' suspects your feelings of 'above and beyond' towards Brandi. Brandi sounds like a lovely lady and so does Rachel for enduring the level of friendship you share with Brandi.

I believe Brandi is placing space because she has to. I would imagine this new information coming to light has forced her to question the past 5 years, making her wonder if she did stuff to lead you on or gave you the wrong impression.

She could also be feeling betrayed; needing you as her friend; confiding in you as a best friend does only to find out you fell in love with her can be a blow to her that needs time for reflection. But strong friendships have a way of making it through things like that.

Are you sure your truly in love with her as her husband is? Could you be confused by your level of connection regarding her?

You say you don't want to rock the boat; that you and her husband are friends as well. Man, this is a tough situation and you work with her as well so distance isn't an option. Big sigh.
There will be a ripple effect here, no way around that. The heart goes deep and we are slaves to it.

You say you love and are in love with your wife Rachel and wish not to destroy what you have with her. Well, there comes a time when lines must be drawn.
YOu don't want to lose your connection with Brandi but from what you've said, things are going to change; they have to.
It is not fair on you, your wife, Brandi or her husband to continue the way things were; And now she knows. She may love you but as a friend.
And if it's more than that, big changes are coming and there will be pains caused. Question is, are you willing?

No matter what happens, now that she knows for certain how you feel about her, she is forced to allow for space. Hanging out with you now would be leading you on ( in her mind) and if she loves her husband, she'll do everything to protect her Family.
You as well, wish to protect your FAmily.
T I M E will offer better insight into this and meanwhile, your just going to have to endure this heartache and focus on your own Family, RAchel and your children. Again, time will help.

REgarding you wife Rachel, I bet she's suspected your feelings ran deeper than you let on and may be feeling a little insecure and in need of some pampering. Your honesty makes me conclude that you are a good man and will do the right thing.
We are all helpless regarding what the heart wants but we are in control of what we do with it. If that makes any sense.

Compassion all round to you and yours

good luck man

[searock]

Stop referring to your relationship with Brandi as a "friendship". Friends don't have romantic feelings for each other, the only exception is when two friends are in a romantic relationship with each other, which is not your case.

You should do what you should have done years ago, when you first started having feelings for Brandi: detach yourself from her. Stop hanging out with her, stop texting, stop talking about intimate stuff, stop thinking you are "best friends". You can still work together, just consider her as any other co-worker.

I feel sorry for your wife, not so much for this situation right now, but because she actually married you at all, when you were never emotionally available or remotely mature enough.

[chinagirl]

You said you'd do anything for her... You can start by thinking about other people's feelings beside your own. Another aspect of love that you need to learn...sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your love one, her husband (your friend too) and your wife.

[friendsonly]

woody- That is one of the most insightful replies I have ever read. Thank you

searock- you are correct - at least on my side of things I should stop referring to her as a friend. Since I do have feelings for her even if one sided she is no longer a friend. And just so you know I did do what you suggested. At first I told myself that that it was just a crush, then that I was just lusting over her, then that it was not real and impossible so I separated myself from her as much as possible. I even picked fights on purpose with her at the beginning so that she would no longer talk to me. None of it worked. I kept somehow getting drawn back to her, her every work catching my attention. So I started going out and dating and going out some more. But I just kept comparing everyone to her and everyone fell short of the standard, and I'm even sure I met some wonderful women then but all I was able to think about was Brandi. My wife being the only one that I developed feelings for was my only hope of getting things to change. And yes this was a very selfish act, using my wife to try and correct my problem, however at the time that this happened I looked at her as the perfect outlet to my problem and everyone kept telling me that this was the right thing to do. She is a beautiful and wonderful woman who loves me to death, she has given me the gift of a baby boy and you are not the only one who feels sorry for her. But I know that if I really told her everything it would devastate her. I feel horrible and that is the problem with this situation, keep going thru this life pretending to be the wonderful husband to make her happy or tell her the truth about everything and make her miserable, I love her too much for that. But as much as I love her and as great of a life as we have built together over the last four years, I still realize that my feelings are not changing for Brandi. If I knew how to have that feeling change or move over then I would. But no matter what I have tried it has not worked. This is why I said that I am a A$$hole for feeling like this. And I am ashamed of what I have created.

chinagirl- I also agree with you, I would more than be willing to sacrifice my own happiness if I knew what the right this to do was. Like I said in my story, I want to be happy too but not at the cost of anyone else. - thanks for your comment

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chinagirl- can I ask you a question about this? but first what is your age? (approximate would be fine, 20s, 30s etc.)

[chinagirl]

Friendsonly, i'm in my 40's and have decades of experience in love and life. Feelings are feelings and they are neither right or wrong. We are in no position to tell you that you are wrong for loving your best friend even if you are both married. Whether it's rational or not is beside the point, but what I think you need to consider here is your best friends feelings about this whole situation. I'm sure she cares and loves you as a friend and losing that friendship is probably hard for her as well.

Put aside your feelings for now and try to look at the big picture. There are four adults involved here. If you insist on maintaining your friendship with her, have you thought about how your wife and her husband might think assuming that they suspect that there is an emotional affair going between you and your friend?

Even if your wife doesn't know anything, do you think it would be fair for her if you continue being friends with someone you are in love with? Why don't you turn the table for a second and imagine your wife hanging out with a male friend that she is in love with? How would that make you feel?

What about your best friend who loves her husband dearly and wants to keep her family intact? Would you want her to feel awkward, knowing what she knows now, hanging out with you just to make you happy because you are friends?

Sometimes in life, we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love... That's what's called unconditional love. No matter how difficult and painful things are, sometimes we have to set aside our feelings and be less selfish to make those people around us comfortable and happy.

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And agree with your decision not to tell your wife. She does not need to know (assuming she doesn't know anything) to spare her from the pain of knowing you are in love with another woman.

[friendsonly]

So once again I agree with you chinagirl. Which is why I was asking the question. Do I just let it be and make the assumption of why she is acting this way or should I really try and find out the why? I have looked at the big picture, and I don't like the big picture in any of the scenarios:
If she feels the same way there are three possible outcomes. 1-We ignore our feelings and attempt to be as separate as possible and kill the friendship we built and probably be unhappy or regretful that we didn't follow our hearts for the rest of our lives. 2-We follow our feelings and go through probably what will be the hardest thing either one of us has ever done but at some point end up together and happy forever. 3-Same as 2 but we figure out that love is not always enough and we ruin everyone's life including each others in the process.

If she doesn't feel the same way and things go back to what they were we continue with our "emotional relationship", everything goes back to the way its been for 5 years and both of our spouses get the short end of the stick in the process but happiness is relative to the individual. I'm happy that I got my best friend back and live the rest of my life knowing she could never be mine, Brandi is happy that she keeps her friend and continues in a happy marriage while emotionally cheating on Ron. Ron is happy that Brandi has stuck with him but will always wonder if anything else will ever happen between us and Emily supports me and lives out the rest of her life with only a partially emotionally available husband that does love her but makes her feel like she is 2nd to Brandi.

And the last scenario is I say my goodbyes to my best friend and never find out what she feels like or what this means to her, I leave and find another job and live the rest of my life still emotionally unavailable to my wife who will either put up with it and write it off as me being hard hearted or leave me at some point because she cant stand it any more.

I know there could be many other scenarios but those seem the most likely. Did I look at the big picture enough? Tell me which one sucks less?

p.s. - I could write a book of hundreds of pages filled with all of the details to the above and hundreds more scenarios that have gone thru my head in the last 2 months. I promise you I'm not just some idiot posting because he has extra time to kill or some stupid question. The truth on why I'm here is because this problem involves most of the closest people in my life. I have other friends but they all know each other as well as my wife or Brandi. And though I would trust most of them to never say anything if I got their opinion or advice, I would never want anyone to carry the burden which I am currently holding. I have a counseling session scheduled next week as well to that I can discuss this with another unbiased individual in person.

[chinagirl]

Again, let it be known that I do understand what you're going through... But the again, there are 4 adults involved in the bigger picture.

I would go in the assumption that her love for you has nothing more than a person would love a friend. The fact that she did not reach out to you and expressed the same feeling that you have for her makes me assume that she truly loves her husband and doesn't want the same thing as you do.

If this was the case, I, personally, would not pursue the friendship and leave things the way as they should be to not make things more complicated as they already are.

Unless, you hear from her, Please be considerate of other people's feelings.

[friendsonly]

Thank you chinagirl, that may be what I do.

[chinagirl]

And remember, now that she knows how you feel, things will never go back the way they were before... One thing I've learned from this scholarly person is that once you move forward, things will never be the same if you were to go back. You declared your love for her, therefore, things will never be the same.

[searock]

searock- you are correct - at least on my side of things I should stop referring to her as a friend. Since I do have feelings for her even if one sided she is no longer a friend. And just so you know I did do what you suggested. At first I told myself that that it was just a crush, then that I was just lusting over her, then that it was not real and impossible so I separated myself from her as much as possible. I even picked fights on purpose with her at the beginning so that she would no longer talk to me. None of it worked. I kept somehow getting drawn back to her, her every work catching my attention. So I started going out and dating and going out some more. But I just kept comparing everyone to her and everyone fell short of the standard, and I'm even sure I met some wonderful women then but all I was able to think about was Brandi. My wife being the only one that I developed feelings for was my only hope of getting things to change. And yes this was a very selfish act, using my wife to try and correct my problem, however at the time that this happened I looked at her as the perfect outlet to my problem and everyone kept telling me that this was the right thing to do. She is a beautiful and wonderful woman who loves me to death, she has given me the gift of a baby boy and you are not the only one who feels sorry for her. But I know that if I really told her everything it would devastate her. I feel horrible and that is the problem with this situation, keep going thru this life pretending to be the wonderful husband to make her happy or tell her the truth about everything and make her miserable, I love her too much for that. But as much as I love her and as great of a life as we have built together over the last four years, I still realize that my feelings are not changing for Brandi. If I knew how to have that feeling change or move over then I would. But no matter what I have tried it has not worked. This is why I said that I am a A$$hole for feeling like this. And I am ashamed of what I have created.

Oh man, I know what you mean about trying to convince yourself that it was just a crush and having a hard time doing it because it just won't go away, but this is exactly what makes it infatuation. If it were love, it would be the best feeling ever, not an obsessive codependent fixation that prevents you from being 100% yourself and happy. It boggles me that at 40 years old you would find yourself in one of the most common situations among naive inexperienced people. The solution is frustratingly simple - just detach yourself from her. You need to realize that this is not love. Once you realize this, it won't matter how often you see her, your obsession will be gone.

I can't believe you would willingly live in a lie for so long, hating yourself for it nonetheless. It's so absurd. Perhaps see a counselor to guide you through the process of letting go of your obsession.

[michelle23]

I didnt even read it coz its way too long and already know how the story goes.

When your married-you should have boundaries by knowing its wrong to get too close to any other woman because its top easy to get infatuated and throw your life down the toilet.

If you put half the effort into your marriage that your putting into this affair then you and your wife would be far happier and you wouldnt feel the need to stray

[friendsonly]

michelle23- Thanks for your comment. I do agree with you on the marriage and boundaries. I have never had an issue with doing this before not just with my ex-wife but with girlfriends as well. I have never cheated on any of my partners or even been in a situation before where I have wanted to. I focus on my partner and give them my all. This issue here is that this all started before I got married. And yes it was wrong for me to marry Lisa if I had feelings for someone else. I realize now that no amount of focus on Lisa or anyone else will take that away.

And I do put a lot of effort to my marriage, I think. I focus on my wife and kids only at home, I don't go out and "hang out" with my friends, I'm as much of a family man as I know how to be, I take my wife out on dates and focus on her only, we go out on outings or camping trips together, I support her decisions and we talk about just everything, and a million more things that makes us a great couple. In the middle of the night when she is sleeping lying in bed ill look over at how beautiful she is and how lucky I am to have her, I'll think about our children and our lives and am thankful for everything I have. All those things are what my wife loves about me, but in the back of my heart a love that has been there for over 5 years is still there and that is what is not fair to her. Over the 4 years we have been together she has seen that I'm sure, and it tears me apart that its this way, but to this date I have not been able to change that. My heart is still somewhere else even when my mind is doing the right thing.

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searock- its funny that you say that, about the infatuation. That is what I called it for so long. The issue here is not an obsession or infatuation searock. I do realize that is what it is usually. Especially for most younger people.
You said that if it was love it would be a happy feeling. So is it love when the thought of seeing her makes you smile, when the slightest touch of her hand against yours send a feeling of warmth and caring thru your body, when the sound of her voice calms and focuses you? Is it love when she gives you a hug and tells you that everything is going to be alright and you believe it, or how about when you are sitting alone driving down the road and memory after memory flashes thru your mind of all the great times you have together and it give you the best feeling of happiness?
An individual that is obsessed or infatuated with something will do almost anything in order to fulfill THEIR obsession/infatuation and failure to do so causes anxiety.
Someone who is in love will do almost anything in order to fulfill the happiness of the person they love and to do so causes happiness!

Thanks for your reply!

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I want to thank everyone so far for their replies- this kind of discussion is really what I needed so help me put all this on the table and ease the load of all this weight I have been holding on to. I already feel so much better than I did before I posted this. I don't know that their is a solution to this problem or that there ever will be, but everyone here has some opinion that will influence the final outcome.
I do want everyone to understand that I'm not just dismissing what you are all saying. I truly have had lots of time to think about all of the things that have been brought up here so far and in one way or another I have factored them in to try and find the least damaging solution.
We all deserve to be happy in life, myself included, but I would more than be willing to sacrifice my own happiness in order to make all the people in this situation happy.
Life will move on and like WOODY said in the 1st reply, "There will be a ripple effect here, no way around that", I just want to make sure no one drowns in the process. I don't know if that is even possible.

please keep the replies coming, its only helping and thank you all again.

[searock]

You said that if it was love it would be a happy feeling. So is it love when the thought of seeing her makes you smile, when the slightest touch of her hand against yours send a feeling of warmth and caring thru your body, when the sound of her voice calms and focuses you? Is it love when she gives you a hug and tells you that everything is going to be alright and you believe it, or how about when you are sitting alone driving down the road and memory after memory flashes thru your mind of all the great times you have together and it give you the best feeling of happiness?
An individual that is obsessed or infatuated with something will do almost anything in order to fulfill THEIR obsession/infatuation and failure to do so causes anxiety.
Someone who is in love will do almost anything in order to fulfill the happiness of the person they love and to do so causes happiness!

You are describing infatuation. Romantic love is reciprocal and happy and allows you to be yourself at your best, it doesn't make you lie and feel guilty and miserable and obsessed.

You really don't get it. You say you are willing to sacrifice your happiness in order for everyone to be happy? Newsflash: by preventing yourself to be happy, you are making everybody (yourself included) miserable. You live in a lie, your wife thinks (or does she?) that she's the only woman in your life when in fact you are convinced that you are in love with another woman, who isn't even remotely attracted to you and who doesn't want to even consider the possibility of seeing you as anything other than a friend (although it is not actual friendship of course). It's been going on for years. Clearly what you have been doing up till now isn't working. How do you plan to change things, if not by doing the only reasonable thing which is to recognize how foolish you have been and are being with this delusion of "love" and to finally stop hanging out with this woman and talking to her and obsessing over her all the time?

[chinagirl]

You are describing infatuation. Romantic love is reciprocal and happy and allows you to be yourself at your best, it doesn't make you lie and feel guilty and miserable and obsessed.

You really don't get it. You say you are willing to sacrifice your happiness in order for everyone to be happy? Newsflash: by preventing yourself to be happy, you are making everybody (yourself included) miserable. You live in a lie, your wife thinks (or does she?) that she's the only woman in your life when in fact you are convinced that you are in love with another woman, who isn't even remotely attracted to you and who doesn't want to even consider the possibility of seeing you as anything other than a friend (although it is not actual friendship of course). It's been going on for years. Clearly what you have been doing up till now isn't working. How do you plan to change things, if not by doing the only reasonable thing which is to recognize how foolish you have been and are being with this delusion of "love" and to finally stop hanging out with this woman and talking to her and obsessing over her all the time?

Love isn't always reciprocal... One person can be in love with another and doesn't necessarily get reciprocated. I don't believe that what he feels is infatuation. Infatuation is transient. It disappears as fast as it comes. The guy has had this feelings for over four years.

Again, feelings are neither right or wrong. You cannot say that what he feels is wrong. Additionally, We cannot judge him because of how he feels for his best friend. One cannot control who he/she falls in love with. However, the actions that he would take based on how he feels would determine whether it is acceptable or not.

The intent of this forum is to give suggestions on how to approach a problem presented by the poster and not to judge or belittle someone just because they don't meet the standards society imposed.