Marriage help..

[RsaA]

Im 28 and i've been married for just over 2 years, my husband is 33. We've been together almost 5 years and living together for 4.

In the beginning our relationship was very passionate, we went away alot and we had a really great sex life.
Now the sex is basically not happening at all. We might have sex like once a month if i'm lucky.

Recently I went on a school camp (im a teacher) and there was another teacher there that I met, and I was instantly attracted to him in a major way. I had not felt anything like that for years. We had a good friendship for the week of camp and the more I was with him the stronger I was attracted to him. I really wanted him and at that moment I would have cheated on my husband with him. I did not persue anything physical/sexual with the other man though.

When I got back home I confessed to my husband that I had felt strongly about this other man. He was hurt and sad (which I didn't really expect). I told him that I don't want to leave him, that I love him and want to improve our relationship. I told him I need more from him physically and emotionally.

My husband is more like a best friend than a lover. We have so much fun together and we do so much, but there is very little hugging, kissing etc. I keep telling him that I feel more like one of his mates than his wife. He will peck me on the lips, but if I go for a deeper/longer kiss he kinda pulls away. He said a while back that he didn't feel as attracted to me because I wasn't taking care of myself (eating badly, not exercising) but now I eat more healthily and I go to the gym 4+ times a week. I've also lost 5 kilos. Every time I say to him that I feel rejected and that he's not showing me any affection, but he just says he's trying his best. Also he's previously said that he gets too tired after work and he's stressed, but he's been on holidays for 5 days now and no sex.

We are also getting to the point where we are wanting to have kids, so I really want to improve our sex lives before we have kids and I don't want to just start pushing it when we want to get pregnant.

I don't believe in divorce and I do love him enough to stay with him forever even if it means no sex. However I really want to get this back to a point where we are having sex even just once a week!

Any advise would be fantastic.
Thankyou.

[smackie9]

Spend the money and seek out a marriage counselor, and possibly a sex coach/therapist or take classes on how to improve your sex life.

This is beyond what we can help you with because it is very complicated when you are only communicating with one and not the other. You both need to face this together with a therapist.

[Wakeup]

Just one question first: You say he's been on holiday for five days now. What has he been doing with all his time these past five days?

[RsaA]

Yeah he's been on holiday for five days. We had a really late night the first night so we spent a bit of time catching up on sleep and then we spent two days doing things with family (for easter) and then he suprised me by taking me out on a day trip which was really really lovely and we were a bit kissy and cuddley but really I thought that it was the perfect day and I thought it would end in sex.. but it didn't. I had spoken to him the week before about trying to come up with something fun for us to do so it really meant alot that he came up with the day out and things for us to do.

His mother is currently staying with us for yesterday and leaving on thursday.

[Wakeup]

Well, I can see why he wouldn't be up to a night of total sexual abandonment with his mother in a nearby bedroom .. so don't hold that against him.

There's lots of things you can do to get things going again, including:
>Watching couples porn together
>Getting the book "Sex for one" (its about female masturbation techniques and positions) and leaving it out for HIM to see.
>Going for a couples massage session while away on an overnighter.
>Going to a couples massage course together so you can continue on in that vain.
>Join a class together that will help you to bond. (dance class/wine tasting/rock climbing)
>Keep doing those "fun" activities together (Its your turn to plan something this time. Do make sure he's knows that you're planning something so he's well aware and doesn't have an excuse to not go and thereby disappointing you. (no unvoiced expectations)
>Play games but put a sexy spin on them. E.g. Strip poker, Dirty Battle Ship.
>Ask him not to masturbate for a while/masturbate together.
>Go to your local library or book store and search the sex and sexuality section for titles that will help your cause.
>Get him to the doctor to make sure his T-levels are okay.

Most of all... make sure he's aware that you are not happy with the amount of sex you're having and that you'd like to start doing date-like-activities together which will hopefully stimulate your emotional connection. Couples/sex counciling as suggested is also a good idea if between the two of you, you can't get back on track.

Sex libidos naturally ebb and flow when in a long term relationship. It's up to US as a couple to make and keep things interesting and the communication open when things are getting off track.

Good luck.