Sexual rejection

[Evejones]

I should warn this is going to be quite a long post.

Here's the situation, I'm in a relationship that is just under a year, we never had that 'honeymoon' phase it just sort of got serious very quickly, he's a great guy and I love him deeply, he's a great father figure to my son, he helps out around the house, my whole family loves him as do all my friends, he's smart and just gorgeous, all the things on paper a girl could want, not without faults but then we all have them. But here's the problem, our sex drives don't match up at all, I want it, he doesn't and I'm starting to get frustrated BIG TIME, not only that but my self esteem is really starting to suffer as a result.

I don't know what to do, I've tried searching the net, but haven't so far been able to identify with any of the advice given. I've already spoken to him about it and explained my needs and wants but nothing has really changed. I've already made sacrifices and don't expect to be intimate as much as I would like and after talking (even arguing) about it, know not to expect to receive oral (this I do find difficult as in my past relationships and sexual partners have all enjoyed giving and I like it)

So the other night, I decided some (more) action needed to be taken, whilst he was out I got myself all dolled up, sexy lingerie, stocking, garters the works, did my hair in 50's waves, put my red lippy on, tried to look every inch the classic pin up, put on my satin robe to ATTEMPT to add extra tease for when he got home, so I'm sure you can understand my devastation when he got in and wanted to watch tv and just said in the most mediocre of tones "you do look nice though" not a hint of wanting to glimpse what i had on underneath and nice, NICE are you kidding me?! Not only that but I'd lit candles and then had the humiliation of having to go around the room blowing them out, changing my clothes and removing my make up. My self esteem has plummeted and not just because of this particular occasion, I've never got the reaction I'd hoped for when dressing up for him, other partners I've had have dropped everything to participate in a romantic session of love making.

Now don't get me wrong when we are intimate it feels amazing at the time but it's everything that goes with it that I'm missing, the foreplay, the closeness, being able to get to know each others bodies. It's always the same, at night, in the dark, only one position per time, only ever once in any given night, no pillow talk (something that is to my sexual preference - we all have our things) and then straight after, to the bathroom, no bathing in the afterglow, just up and go and then a game on his phone usually. Its really getting to me, and it's making me irritable in day to day life. I know he loves me and is definitely one to show it by doing things to help me in the home but it's not in affectionate touching or kisses, no checking me out, hardly any compliments (again something I guess I'd grown acustom too my previous partner made me feel so sexy and just adored with the compliments he'd give)

I really am at a loss of what to do, please help, what more can I do to make myself desirable to him?

[pcmaster]

Well you cant ask for attention when guy is in other side of the screen watching TV or phone. Man have only so much brains to do one thing at the time. Ofcourse it wasnt fair to you when he did it. I think you could get more attention by walking around the room naked, seriously it works.
How old are you btw? You know some girls go to swim and gym to shape up. Even if you wont get more sex at least you would feel better.

[Boisdevie]

I can't see what else the OP can do. She's already told the guy about her needs - result is zip. She's tried to make herself desirable to him by dressing up - result is zip.
I'd give him one last chance. Tell him that your needs aren't being satisfied, give him a deadline and then if nothing changes dump him.
I don't think it will work though - sexual appetities are different for everyone and you are just a million miles apart. Just bad luck.

[Evejones]

I'm 26, I've tried just being naked but when the response has been negligible, I can't face doing it again, I feel far too vulnerable. Also the tv wasn't on neither was he on his phone, I greeted him looking like that once he'd got in from gaming at his friends house. Even to built up the courage to get all dressed up for him the other night I had to have a tequila slammer just to give myself that little bit of confidence, I felt great once I'd put everything on, genuinely felt sexy and beautiful, faded pretty sharpish once the reaction was what it was.

[pcmaster]

Well when I play games I dont have much sexdrive too. So I kinda understand where guy is coming from. Maybe hes on antidepresants or something that lowers his drive. However realise its not your fault but just its impossible to ask all men to react the same way. No girl can have all men, thats just not possible. Now by ignoring you he shows you your vulnerable place. However there must be other things besides sex that gives you confidence. Life is about finding what makes you happy.

[Evejones]

Yes there are, but sexual fulfilment is important to me. I just feel it's not entirely fair for all compromise and sacrifice to be my responsibility. I'm already trying to work on myself and make self improvement, my ENTIRE body confidence isn't down to his opinion but part of it is, why shouldn't I want to feel desirable to my partner and get feedback to reinforce those feelings?

[basilandthyme]

Sweetie, you haven't even been with him for a year yet. If this is what his sex drive looks like this early - and it's unable to be addressed, imagine what things will look like 10 years down the track!

I understand that you getting dressed up for him was trying to turn him on. But if a guy isn't into sex, no amount of candles or dress ups or conversation is going to change him. Your guy is simply a dud in that department. It's up to you to decide if this is what you want for the long haul.

[Evejones]

I guess I'm just hoping for a change, he's currently waiting on a operation and does suffer with pain, I take all that into account and am hoping that once he's had surgery that things will improve in that department, I just don't know what is down to lack of interest, pain or just plain low sex drive. I'm just at a point where I don't know what to do.

[searock]

Man, I imagine it must be awful to be in your shoes . What does he say when you talk about it? Does he recognize the problem? Was he always like this, or is it just because of the operation that's coming up? It sounds to me like you two are fundamentally sexually incompatible, and there's nothing you or him can do to change it. Clearly you can't be in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you sexually, so unless things change after the operation I think you should break up with him. It's just too big of an issue.

[Evejones]

Well, he refers to his 'old self' a lot, he used to be very active and I know his injury has been an ongoing since before we met, but I've never been able to get to the heart of wether it's just his nature or matter of circumstance. I know that he's having confidence issues but I'm doing all I can to try and make him feel desirable to me, cos he is, I think that's why it hurts so much, I fancy him so much and want him. I think I need to try and talk to him again, it's just the last time I did I actually thought we'd made some progress but nothing else came of it.

[chinagirl]

Is he gay???

[Evejones]

No he is definitely not gay haha

[Valixy]

The injury, the pain and a scheduled operation must play an important part here. Whatever your decisión will be try not to take his apparent lack of interest personally. Maybe you are not the most compatible people in the world but he also has a real physical problem. Hopefully he will recover a lot of his old self after the operation.

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Maybe you should also be a bit more sensitive to his needs, if possible. Besides your drama of rejection, there is his drama too. I find it surprising that you only thought to mention his health problems (with emotional cosequences obviously) in your 3rd post.

[Evejones]

I guess it's because it's just become the norm to take that into account, I'm always trying to be sensitive to his physical condition and try to suggest ways (positions) that won't cause extra discomfort. I've had another talk about it, but I guess only once the surgery and healing will I know if it genuinely is just that. It's just very difficult for me also, after a year of this and feeling mostly unsatisfied.

[Satina]

know not to expect to receive oral (this I do find difficult as in my past relationships and sexual partners have all enjoyed giving and I like it)

I've never got the reaction I'd hoped for when dressing up for him, other partners I've had have dropped everything to participate in a romantic session of love making.

(again something I guess I'd grown acustom too my previous partner made me feel so sexy and just adored with the compliments he'd give)

Don't compare him to previous partners. If you only just mentioned to him once that your previous partners did these things for you, then maybe he just feels like he doesn't want to be one among others.

- - - Updated - - -

I just feel it's not entirely fair for all compromise and sacrifice to be my responsibility.

You describe him as: "great guy, [...] great father figure to my son, he helps out around the house, my whole family loves him as do all my friends, he's smart and just gorgeous"

So he's awesome and he takes care of your son, I think that says that "all compromise and sacrifice" are not exactly your sole responsibility... He's doing his part and much more.

Are you a great girl, great mother, help out around the house, his whole family loves you as do all his friends, smart and just gorgeous? If yes to all of those, then you're right, it's not entirely fair that he neglects your needs.

Also another point: if the roles were reversed, i.e. guy wants sex,girl doesn't. Guy insists, girl rejects. Then the guy would be seen as a pervert and selfish and disrespectful, and we'd hear the overused "a girl has the right to not have sex, it is her body". So maybe your guy just needs that same kind of respect for his low sexual libido?

Anyway, your relationship sounds amazing in every other aspect, so you guys should be able to work things out, I hope you do. Good luck.