I forgot to do this - Hi, everyone

[Inexadra]

Hey all,

I forgot to post an intro.

My name is Sam. I'm a 28-year-old working on my M.Ed. in Social Studies Education and ESL/ELL Education. I am a trained classical singer, private pilot (single engine), and world traveler. I speak English and Chinese. I taught U.S. history and U.S. government in conjunction with Zhejiang University in Hangzhou, Zhejiang, PRC. I'm also an A.S. person.

I'm here because I need help.

I've been on a slow, downward sink into depression for a long time. The main source of that depression is a fundamental feeling of inadequacy due to the fact that I am 28 years old and romantically unsuccessful. Most 28 year olds I know are married or engaged by now. Yet I'm single, and have been for the last 15 months. All of my previous relationships have ended, which, to my mind, proves that they'll never succeed.

Naturally, I understand that dating is a numbers game. Unfortunately, I'm afraid to even play that game. I avoid social activities and I generally keep to myself. I don't trust that if engage in social activities in order to meet people that I'll be judged favorably by others. I don't have the option of *not caring* about what other people think: if I intend to function within this society, I *must* care what other people think. To do otherwise is sociopathic.

When I start threads, I am displaying my honest thought processes that cause me to feel bad, in the hopes that people who respond will challenge those thought processes. I simply ask that the challenges be respectful. Swearing at me or insulting me is a waste of your time, and I would never treat anyone here on this board that way.

I am a skeptic - this doesn't mean that I just say "no" to everything, but it *does* mean that I hold all advice to a high standard of scrutiny. If you offer me advice and I challenge what you offer, understand that I am NOT doing so just to disagree with you. I have taken bad advice too many times in the past, and to my detriment, so I analyze advice carefully to ensure that what I'm getting is workable and relevant.

I so very much want to be happy and feel secure with myself as a single person. I really, truly, honestly, assuredly do. But simply choosing to be happy with myself and my life as they are now requires a certain amount of 'letting go' that feels, to me, like acquiescence and acceptance of defeat.

This is who I am. I am not perfect. You may not agree with how I think or what I say, but please know that I am open to you voicing and explaining your disagreements logically. I simply ask that you do so respectfully, and I will respect you and appreciate your feedback.

[AdminOnline]

Welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion. Enjoy your stay here...

[basilandthyme]

Ah, so you are Aspie. Now it makes sense.

Do you know why our advice doesn't stand up to your scrutiny? It's because you're asking a bunch of NTs who a) aren't relationship/mental health professionals and b) don't understand what it's like to live in the mind of someone who's has an ASD. Would you take a complex language question to someone who speaks the language but who has not studied that language? Would you get flying lessons from someone who can fly....or would you choose a flying teacher? This really isn't any different. You need to be talking with a psychologist who has a background in ASDs.

With the new info about you, my best advice would be to find the root of the problem and then devise a structure of steps for moving forward. From what I see, the root of the problem is that you are afraid of being judged unfavourably by those you meet. So, here's the steps:

1. start working with a pyschologist and learn more tricks on how to socialise well. If depression is a problem (I'm sure you're aware it's a common thing for Aspies), then look at some meds
2. get a social life. Find activities with people who are like minded.
3. when you're more confident with friends, then increase your interaction with girls.
4. remember your theory of past failure = future failure is false. Would you give the same advice to someone in a science field who's been working on a cancer cure for decades? In both research and relationships, past failure is a learning experience. We find the errors and try something else. Repeatedly.

I would also advise you to get off your soapbox about the wonderful state of marriage. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Therefore, not all marriage is wonderful. Yes, some are great...but others are downright shitty. Some people get married multiple times and others decide not to try it again.

Hopefully this is different approach which you may relate to. However if my advice still doesn't stand up to your scrutiny, I will bid you farewell.

[Inexadra]

I appreciate your advice, and it's all correct and it's rational.

The problem is that I've moved past that point.

I'm already working with a psychologist, and my problem is not that I don't know how to socialize. I participate in Meetup groups and I've always had a good experience. I've always been used to socializing with people substantially older than me, for the most part. My problem is going beyond merely socializing. I've been told I'm very, very good at socializing - people only realize I'm an Aspie after they get to know me (under normal circumstances, though things are a bit reversed here on this forum).

You hit the nail on the head, basilandthyme, when you said that my fear is one of being judged unfavorably. You've suggested getting involved with social activities aligned with my interests. I have - I'm a music/theatre person. I've got to tell you, though, that music and theatre people can be some of the biggest pricks you've ever encountered. We, musicians and actors, can be some of the most insecure people you'll meet. Now, not everyone in that sphere is a jerk. I've made some wonderful and supportive friends through theatre and music. However, there's a sizable core within that realm that I must say is rather socially unpalatable.

In a broader sense, though, it's a fear of my fellow Millennials. We Millennials have been drastically affected by the social media revolution and the feel-good, "you're great no matter what" mantras we were raised on. I cannot believe how bad the social skills are among people around my age (28). I'm sure I don't help that bad impression, LOL. However, I've found that Millennials can be really quite inconsiderate when talking to others. I often joke that either I have Asperger's Syndrome, or everyone else does!

As for marriage - I realize not all is as it may seem. Yet, sometimes just faking satisfaction with a marriage is enough to ultimately make it a happy or satisfiable one. The bottom line is that when you're married, you're a hell of a lot closer to bliss than a singleton. My bitterness about marriage is the result of what I see as being insult added to injury: in our society, if you're in your 30s and never married, then it's decided there's something wrong with you. Married couples usually only congregate with other marrieds (at least, from what I've observed). I can only conclude that it's because they see us singletons as a lower species, so to speak.

I guess what worries is me about becoming more socially engaged are 2 things: 1) my record and 2) the fact that people have enough friends already. For the first part, given that my record is one of being generally a recluse (I do social things but not nearly to the extent that most people do), wouldn't that encourage people to shun me anyway? Aren't people going to think, upon meeting me, "Eww, he's that weird reclusive guy. We shouldn't interact with him or welcome him into our friendship circles" ? Aren't people going to think "Sam's a recluse, he's not worth our time" ? Given that my record is one of having not been particularly social, I have a lot of doubts that I would be welcomed by people who had never met me before.
For the second part, it seems that everyone already has enough friends. Why would normal people, who already have nice big social circles full of friends, want or need yet another?

Your thoughts?

[basilandthyme]

I have to think about your comments before I write further. But your comment about Gen Y made me think of this http://isnt.autistics.org/dsn-npd-txt.html Have you read it?

[Inexadra]

I have to think about your comments before I write further. But your comment about Gen Y made me think of this http://isnt.autistics.org/dsn-npd-txt.html Have you read it?

I took a look at it - it's interesting and I must say that I've never heard of the "Normal Personality Disorder".

What did you think with regards to my big long post above?

[basilandthyme]

I took a look at it - it's interesting and I must say that I've never heard of the "Normal Personality Disorder".

What did you think with regards to my big long post above?

Normal Personality Disorder is a joke made by Aspies to mock those 'normal' people around them.

Yes, it's true that a lot of people already have full social circles. But this is where groups and clubs and interest circles can come in. And what about your workplace? If you don't get out there, you have zero chance of success.

As for what you write about being married vs being single....I am in a defacto relationship but have plenty of single friends. So, I think you're talking rubbish. I won't be joining you in that conversation.

[Inexadra]

But if I *do* get out there, my chances of success don't drastically improve, yet I'm spending a lot more energy.

Let's suppose I join groups and clubs, music oriented or otherwise. Now I'm wasting all this energy hoping to meet people when they're hardly going to be inclined toward befriending Sam (my name) the Borderline Aspie Introvert, right? Who would befriend someone with a record of introversion like mine?

[HeartIsAching]

Hey all,

I forgot to post an intro.

My name is Sam. I'm a 28-year-old working on my M.Ed. in Social Studies Education and ESL/ELL Education. I am a trained classical singer, private pilot (single engine), and world traveler. I speak English and Chinese. I taught U.S. history and U.S. government in conjunction with Zhejiang University in Hangzhou, Zhejiang, PRC. I'm also an A.S. person.

I'm here because I need help.

I've been on a slow, downward sink into depression for a long time. The main source of that depression is a fundamental feeling of inadequacy due to the fact that I am 28 years old and romantically unsuccessful. Most 28 year olds I know are married or engaged by now. Yet I'm single, and have been for the last 15 months. All of my previous relationships have ended, which, to my mind, proves that they'll never succeed.

Naturally, I understand that dating is a numbers game. Unfortunately, I'm afraid to even play that game. I avoid social activities and I generally keep to myself. I don't trust that if engage in social activities in order to meet people that I'll be judged favorably by others. I don't have the option of *not caring* about what other people think: if I intend to function within this society, I *must* care what other people think. To do otherwise is sociopathic.

When I start threads, I am displaying my honest thought processes that cause me to feel bad, in the hopes that people who respond will challenge those thought processes. I simply ask that the challenges be respectful. Swearing at me or insulting me is a waste of your time, and I would never treat anyone here on this board that way.

I am a skeptic - this doesn't mean that I just say "no" to everything, but it *does* mean that I hold all advice to a high standard of scrutiny. If you offer me advice and I challenge what you offer, understand that I am NOT doing so just to disagree with you. I have taken bad advice too many times in the past, and to my detriment, so I analyze advice carefully to ensure that what I'm getting is workable and relevant.

I so very much want to be happy and feel secure with myself as a single person. I really, truly, honestly, assuredly do. But simply choosing to be happy with myself and my life as they are now requires a certain amount of 'letting go' that feels, to me, like acquiescence and acceptance of defeat.

This is who I am. I am not perfect. You may not agree with how I think or what I say, but please know that I am open to you voicing and explaining your disagreements logically. I simply ask that you do so respectfully, and I will respect you and appreciate your feedback.

Whatever you say. I won't bother to give advice to a douchebag that argues with advice he's asked for.

[basilandthyme]

But if I *do* get out there, my chances of success don't drastically improve, yet I'm spending a lot more energy.

Let's suppose I join groups and clubs, music oriented or otherwise. Now I'm wasting all this energy hoping to meet people when they're hardly going to be inclined toward befriending Sam (my name) the Borderline Aspie Introvert, right? Who would befriend someone with a record of introversion like mine?

OK Fine. As my advice sucks, I won't bother with you anymore.