SO and Family Problems: Help!

[arjo]

I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to post something and see if anyone had any insights. It's kind of a doozy, but I'll keep it as short and as neutral as possible so I can get some good feedback.

Background info: Been with my SO for 2.5 years now and we're both in our mid-20s. We've been living together for almost a year. I'm an only child and the SO has 1 sister. My parents have been married for 28 years, my SO's parents are divorced.

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There's been a history of issues between my SO and my parents. A lot of the issues involve mom's inability to cope with me leaving the house. She's been more or less a wreck since I moved out, and I think a lot the problems we've run into have stemmed from her losing her only child to the world—and another woman.

I'll spare all of the details in order to not write a novel here, but I will give some "highlights".

My SO's birthday was only a few months after we started dating. I wanted to take her away to one of her favorite towns for the weekend, figuring it would be both a good present and a good excuse to get to know each other better. I shared the plans with my parents and they immediately expressed their disapproval with my choice, saying that "it's not an appropriate thing to do". Not wanting to rock the boat with the parents so early in the relationship, I told her that we shouldn't go, and we didn't.

When I found the apartment I was going to move in to, I told my parents about. They seemed excited, but quickly asked if my SO was moving in with me, and how soon. I told them the truth: I wanted to live by myself for a few months to get the experience, but after that I'd be asking my SO to move in. They seemed extremely displeased but mostly kept their mouths shut. On another occasion (the day before I moved) my mom said, "She's going to want you to give her a key, you know". I asked her if she had considered that I WANTED to give her a key; she had no good response (that I can recall, anyway).

Christmastime: Some innocuous comments from my SO were taken by my mom to be insulting and attacking. They said absolutely nothing at the time, but instead tried to get me to go out to lunch with them so that they could talk about it without my SO present. They didn't tell me that; they didn't tell me that they had anything to say until I had to cancel because of sickness, they pushed me, and I told them to go away and just tell me what they needed to over the phone.

The Christmas incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. Before I go into it, I need to give some background on my SO. She was emotionally abused by an alcoholic mother for entire life, has been treated extremely poorly by both her dad and sister, and has constantly struggled with her familial relationships in general. As a result, she seems to have a "zero bullshit" policy and expects a certain base level of respect and care from the people she associates with. On the other side of things, her bad experience have made her crave a close-knit, loving family experience; she's made many efforts to bond with my mom and make herself wanted. When my mom tried to go around her and talk to me about the things, she felt insulted and attacked, again. She essentially "snapped", and there was a huge fight between the four of us.

My SO is the love of my life and I stand behind her; knowing what I know about her, I completely understand why she feels the way she does, and I can't honestly tell her she's wrong. She remains 110% convinced that it's her vs. them, and she ABSOLUTELY REFUSES to budge, which makes this even more difficult.

I thought a lot about what's been happening and talked to my SO. I gave her a call and told her I wanted to open up and express my feelings to her. I told her this:

"I'm not going to forgive and forget with them tomorrow, but treating my parents like they treated us solves nothing. Playing the "do X to teach so-and-so a lesson" game might've worked right after the last incident, but it's not doing us any favors now. I'm getting tired of being the middle man in this impossible-to-resolve stalemate, and I want to go forward".

She hung up and sent me a text that said, "You're a ****ing coward. See you later" and "Next time you talk to your mom, ask her if she wants to be your gf"

I'm really distraught here and I don't know what to do. Anyone that could PLEASE advise SOMETHING? I'm at my wits' end here.

[arjo]

Bumping this for help. Girlfriend is irate, told me that she's sick of me always conceding to them and "can't be with me anymore"

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What are you confused about? She was very clear. You are your parent's bitch, and she is tired of it.

Move on, and try to keep you mother out of future relationships.

[basilandthyme]

Wow. I'm not surprised that your girlfriend is irate. You need to place some boundaries with your mother and make sure that you enforce them. Don't want to be the 'middle man' anymore? Then tell your mother that you're a grown man and that if you want her opinion on your relationship, you will ASK for it. If your mother can't help but involve herself in your relationship, then make it clear that you will not be seeing her until she learns appropriate boundaries.

>> she seems to have a "zero bullshit" policy and expects a certain base level of respect and care from the people she associates with. <<

Good for her. Expecting a certain base level of respect and care from those around her shows that she's got good self worth. If only we all had this.

Your girlfriend is 100% right in this issue. If you want her back, you need make changes with your mother.

[arjo]

What are you confused about? She was very clear. You are your parent's bitch, and she is tired of it.

Move on, and try to keep you mother out of future relationships.

She uses that phrase as well, that I'm their "bitch". I've absolutely taken her side in everything prior to this. This is NOT about me conceding to my parents, it's about moving forward with our lives and not letting this toxic mess get worse.

Family is EXTREMELY important to me; being forced to pick one or the other seems very wrong.

[basilandthyme]

You don't need to pick one or the other if your mother behaves. Let her know that you very much want her in your life, but her interfering will not be tolerated.

Also, this isn't about 'taking her side' if your mother is out of line....rather, this is about STOPPING your mother from doing what she's doing.

[arjo]

You don't need to pick one or the other if your mother behaves. Let her know that you very much want her in your life, but her interfering will not be tolerated.

Also, this isn't about 'taking her side' if your mother is out of line....rather, this is about STOPPING your mother from doing what she's doing.

I totally agree, and I have put my mother in her place: I've told her to back off or she won't have a son. I think she gets it now, but my SO is understandably mistrustful of her and refuses to say "okay". Again, can't blame her, but saying, "**** you and i'm going to dump my SO of almost 3 years" over this seems crazy... maybe I'm crazy?

[basilandthyme]

your gf's stance is perfectly reasonable: there's nothing crazy about refusing to stay in a situation where she feels disrespected.

Has your mother apologised to your gf? It would be a good start.

[arjo]

your gf's stance is perfectly reasonable: there's nothing crazy about refusing to stay in a situation where she feels disrespected.

Has your mother apologised to your gf? It would be a good start.

I asked my mother to apologize to my SO, but she won't do it. It's frustrating; even if she doesn't "mean it", I don't understand why she can't understand what a big deal this is to me and just do it to make it right.

- - - Updated - - -

What's most frustrating here is that the two relationships are currently mutually exclusive; I can't keep one without losing the other. I love both parties deeply for very different reasons. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. :\

[basilandthyme]

I asked my mother to apologize to my SO, but she won't do it. It's frustrating; even if she doesn't "mean it", I don't understand why she can't understand what a big deal this is to me and just do it to make it right.

- - - Updated - - -

What's most frustrating here is that the two relationships are currently mutually exclusive; I can't keep one without losing the other. I love both parties deeply for very different reasons. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. :\

And this is why your girlfriend can't trust your mother again....or YOU for that matter! What part of you thinks it's OK for your mother to give a false apology? If you know the apology is false, then it only proves that your mother has not changed. I know you want this all to be better, but it's not going to change until your mother genuinely understands and admits that she was wrong....and asks forgiveness.

As for the possibility of you losing a relationship over this, you do realise that if either relationship is ruined that it would be your mother's fault? Your mother has the ability to make this right - but she's unwilling to do so.

[chinagirl]

Your parents are your blood. You can't change that. You can always change a GF. Find someone better, someone who will get along with your parents. Chances are, if you pick this girl over your parents, things will just get worst over time. And you're right, you are not supposed to choose between your parents and your GF. Your GF should understand that.

[CrasherRob8]

arjo, your situation is almost identical to mine. And your SO is behaving exactly like my SO does. Kind of freaky actually. Anyways I had a falling out with my parents in January. Long story short my mom and myself had a fight over the phone. She was calling me demanding to talk and I didn't want to so I didn't answer my phone. After about the 3rd time she then called my SO and cursed her out on the phone. I finally stepped up and told her that I didn't appreciate it and that I wanted her to apologize to my SO. They flat out said no, that she deserved it. That was the last time I spoke with them.

Haven't talked to my parents in almost 4 months now. I ignore my moms texts and calls because she simply doesn't get it. She knows why I am not talking to her but she tries to act like things are perfectly fine. She also tries and tries to isolate me from my SO. Example is how she always just invites me to lunch or tries to get only me to do things, never both me and my SO.

My advice is if you love your SO, back her up and stand up to your mom.

[arjo]

arjo, your situation is almost identical to mine. And your SO is behaving exactly like my SO does. Kind of freaky actually. Anyways I had a falling out with my parents in January. Long story short my mom and myself had a fight over the phone. She was calling me demanding to talk and I didn't want to so I didn't answer my phone. After about the 3rd time she then called my SO and cursed her out on the phone. I finally stepped up and told her that I didn't appreciate it and that I wanted her to apologize to my SO. They flat out said no, that she deserved it. That was the last time I spoke with them.

Haven't talked to my parents in almost 4 months now. I ignore my moms texts and calls because she simply doesn't get it. She knows why I am not talking to her but she tries to act like things are perfectly fine. She also tries and tries to isolate me from my SO. Example is how she always just invites me to lunch or tries to get only me to do things, never both me and my SO.

My advice is if you love your SO, back her up and stand up to your mom.

Holy crap, this is quite literally IDENTICAL to my current situation, fight involving the SO and all.

It's an awful situation all around and there's a lot of mutual resentment floating around, but I want to keep my SO so I need to figure my self out.