Is he serious about me and just awkward?

[ihaveaquestion]

He invites me to see him when he comes to town but he also hangs out with a couple of other girls who he promised are best friends (I didn't bug him about it he just offered it). I have met one of them. He kisses me goodbye and says, "I love you," sometimes. He calls me love, darling, sweetheart, and has said he thought I was cute and had tried to ask me out once and I didn't even notice it. I am 9 years older though. People think I'm still in college though...but early on he said he isn't going to date long distance. We talked a few months ago about how I will be looking for a new place soon and I wonder if he would like if I moved to where he is. There is nothing else that would make that place stand out though so it would clearly be a move to be near him. I like the idea though. He hasn't out and told me to move there but he has said and done some things that make me wonder. He isn't all over me text or message wise. Some days I initiate and some days he does. There isn't a regular routine of good mornings and good nights or anything though.

I am coming out of a marriage anyway. The divorce process is long. I don't want to rebound and hurt anyone. I've been separated for 6 months now. My husband has been with his, "new girl," since before we separated. I still care about my husband and love him but the, "in love with him feeling," has waned and I do know I love my friend who has become my best friend since my separation.

One time we had been drinking and an older man (drunken stranger) told us I was my friend's future wife...by the way we looked at each other. My friend mentioned that to people in a playful way the rest of the night but we were drunk. Of course I think it sounds dreamy but I'm a bit shy and might have just smiled bashfully and not let on that I liked the idea. I really do love him. Like real family love. I'm not being all crazy like oh la la I'm in LOOOVE with him! I just do love him. I care about him very much. He has raised my standard for how a man should treat a woman so much that other guys who reach out to me seem like complete d-bags now. No one else seems real.

I don't want to under communicate but I also don't want to annoy him or over communicate if he just wants space. His very special girlfriend passed away almost exactly a year ago so I think we both just need time. Also since I am older I really feel guilty being involved in his life like he deserves or might want someone closer to his age.

Any thoughts?

[KingZ]

We talked a few months ago about how I will be looking for a new place soon and I wonder if he would like if I moved to where he is. There is nothing else that would make that place stand out though so it would clearly be a move to be near him.

I have yet to hear someone doing something like this and having it work out for the best. You're old enough to know better.

[ihaveaquestion]

Aw shucks. Don't you know I had that feeling in my gut even as I wrote that part? There are lots of great things I love there but...yeah...it would be obvious I was moving there for him because I wouldn't have even known anything about the place if it wasn't for him. Same deal I guess, right? He has shown me a place in my industry there and asked if it looked better than where I work now...

[smackie9]

You are not ready for a serious relationship and all this guy is is a distraction from the angst of adjusting into a new life. It's true that you go through different emotions to a point you start to doubt things, doubt your choices, and have uncertainties, because now it's all up to you. You don't have that support system anymore from when you were married. For some it can weigh heavy on the heart. I say put the seriousness on the back burner and just enjoy being single, date, have some flings, have new experiences....then one day you will meet that someone that sweeps you off your feet, rather than fill the void with this guy....it will be so temporary, like King Z said.

[Wakeup]

Are you having sex with this man?

You are not taking your own best interests in mind if you'd move to be closer to a man that has not asked you or even hinted that he would like you to do that. Don't uproot yourself for someone who is just a tad over disinterested going by his lack of actions (he's shown you nothing really to indicate that he cares much past being with you when he's in your town.

You don't know much about him at all. You're jumping the gun in your desperation to be with someone instead of being alone. Wizen up and take a step back and view this more logically and less with all this infatuation.

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Is he serious about me and just awkward?

Based on what little real interest he's shown you, I'd say its neither.

[ihaveaquestion]

No. He invited me out to where he is living for a weekend so I could enjoy the countryside and the animals and go hiking. We are both going through a rough time and have been supporting each other as friends above anything else. I went to visit and he stayed on the couch the first night. The second night we had something to drink and both went in his room and started to get physical but gave up and just crashed as we were both in turmoil and couldn't communicate very well anyway. Since then it has been sweet and friendly and the hugs and goodbye kisses and just hanging out having fun now and then. I have been invited back to visit again. I'm just going to be me and keep learning and growing I guess. I want to be here for him as a friend and support most of all either way. Him ending up being my sweetheart would just be icing on the cake. I do tend to romanticize things. After I met his dad he kept saying how much his dad really liked me. Random note...

Thanks for your suggestions.

What is the, "real," interest, Wakeup?

And thank you, smackie. I have seen you post in other threads and was so excited you posted in mine. You get right to the point and I need that kind of advice.

[Wakeup]

What is the, "real," interest, Wakeup?

More then what he's currently showing you. You're not even in anything exclusive or committed. Why would you uproot yourself when there is no indication that he'd even keep seeing you other then casually and non-exclusively if you did?

[ihaveaquestion]

Oh. Well that was his thing. He didn't want to be in a relationship if it was long distance. I thought that was a hint he wanted me closer. He said that maybe once my divorce stuff was done he would have his plan (getting a place of his own) going.

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I don't know. He's moody...with good reason...right now. And some of it has been drunk talk and some not. So I guess I am just trying to read through the lines. I guess I ought to take a step back and see things at face value and just believe exactly what I see his actions show me.

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Plus, realistically I am trying to take the high road right now anyway and not do anything stupid while I am still legally married and really I am still on a roller coaster of grief too. I hope it is over with but I thought it was over once before and I hit a bad time again.

[Wakeup]

Oh. Well that was his thing. He didn't want to be in a relationship if it was long distance. I thought that was a hint he wanted me closer. He said that maybe once my divorce stuff was done he would have his plan (getting a place of his own) going.

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I don't know. He's moody...with good reason...right now. And some of it has been drunk talk and some not. So I guess I am just trying to read through the lines. I guess I ought to take a step back and see things at face value and just believe exactly what I see his actions show me.

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Plus, realistically I am trying to take the high road right now anyway and not do anything stupid while I am still legally married and really I am still on a roller coaster of grief too. I hope it is over with but I thought it was over once before and I hit a bad time again.

You're in the throes of ending one relationship so DO keep in mind that you are valuable prey to men who take advantage of women who are ego-hurting and Jonesing for romantic attention. Dating sites (for instance) are over-populated with men just like the one you've described in your thread. I think that you will be "shredded" if you allow yourself to go to bed with this man because you have him on a pedestal where he does not have you at such a lofty position.

Plus, realistically I am trying to take the high road right now anyway and not do anything stupid while I am still legally married and really I am still on a roller coaster of grief too. I hope it is over with but I thought it was over once before and I hit a bad time again.

Take some more time learning how to be happy in your own skin so that you can view things realistically, so that you can be more in control of who you allow in your life and so that you don't read more into a guys intentions then their actions are showing you.

Learn to live alone and be happy. Then you'll choose wisely for yourself and you'll have the strength to quickly distance yourself from men who talk the good talk but their actions don't show you love.

Keep in mind this man just lost a relationship less then a year ago. You don't want to be his rebound on a part time basis... that will whittle away at your self-esteem one schtuup at a time. You're too emotionally involved with him already for you to be able to compartmentalize sex from love.

He didn't want to be in a relationship if it was long distance.

Sadly, I'd say that That's his less then admirable way of telling you simply that he doesn't want to be in a "relationship" at all but he'll take what's offered other then exclusive commitment.

I wish you well.

[ihaveaquestion]

He's a good guy. He's the one who said he realized we jumped in fast but things were going too far quickly. I was vulnerable and he isn't trying to take advantage of me. I think this is why I am so nutso crazy about him and feel like all of my other guy friends who have tried to approach me for sex (only in messages because I have not hung out with anyone else yet) look like such d-bags to me.

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He reminded me what a real respectful relationship feels like. He reminded me what friendship feels like. He reminded me that I am worth more than just sex. In my marriage it seemed to have become a theme that I was only a sex object and nothing more. I am so happy to be free of that feeling.

[Wakeup]

He's a good guy. He's the one who said he realized we jumped in fast but things were going too far quickly. I was vulnerable and he isn't trying to take advantage of me. I think this is why I am so nutso crazy about him and feel like all of my other guy friends who have tried to approach me for sex (only in messages because I have not hung out with anyone else yet) look like such d-bags to me.

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He reminded me what a real respectful relationship feels like. He reminded me what friendship feels like. He reminded me that I am worth more than just sex. In my marriage it seemed to have become a theme that I was only a sex object and nothing more. I am so happy to be free of that feeling.

He reminds you of that because you're vulnerable and lonely. If you look beyond the forest and see the trees, you'll see that he's still taking you to bed (or trying but the drinking foils the attempt(s) (without commitment and after telling you that he doesn't want a relationship) he's just doing it without being crass about it like the guys you think are douches.

Just some things to think about that you're not taking into consideration when adoring him.

Good luck. Keep your head about you

[ihaveaquestion]

Alright alright. I disagree a little bit (the bed thing happened once and afterwards he said everything else) and I still know he is a sweetheart and a gentleman and I defend that but I will try to see the trees so I keep my head. Either way I will be better that way.

[michelle23]

I think you are v vulnerable right now and not thinking clearly. You never uproot your whole life to be with someone. I an yet to hear of a success story. You should cut ties with this man-hes too far away. And you cant trust a man with female friends unless hes gay.

Its only been 6months since your divorce. Its not wise to rush into anything new right now

[ihaveaquestion]

That's the truth. I feel vulnerable and have a bit of volatility, as well. I hope I can trust a man with female friends though as I have male friends who are completely platonic and I hope it is possible for a man, as well. hmmm.

[smackie9]

Well for me I would never date someone that has a bunch of female friends. I like a beer drinkin man's man, that has buddies that shoot the shit about sports, fishing, women, work on their cars together, smokes cigars, etc....there is something to be said about a man that hangs out with women, coddles them when they are down, chat over a glass of wine, goes out shopping, etc.


IMO anything on the menu looks good when you are vulnerable. My GF is going through the same thing, getting hot and heavy over someone is really not attractive, or have anything going for him, just real sweet.

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real nice gets boring real fast.