Recently divorced man who's confused...

[Canada Goose]

Hello, I'm a first time user who would really appreciate some feedback.

I'm a recently divorced man, who was always faithful to his ex-wife.
During the time of my marriage and throughout my divorce i had a female co-worker / friend who had always been there for me and expressed interest in me.
Throughout the ordeal of my divorce she was always there and listened to my problems. We would spend lunch hours together, text and even go places together on the weekends. During the time (even when I was married) many co-workers and friends told me to be wary as she (according to them) liked me more than a friend. At our last Christmas party she had a few drinks and came on to me and I did not encourage it but I did grow to have strong feeling for her.
Recently my divorce was finalized and I had a conversation with her, during this conversation I expressed to her that I had strong feelings for her but that I wasn't ready to get involved right away. My intention was to slowly build up to something over time. After I had said this she didn't seem to react and we continued to see each other. About 2 weeks ago I was speaking to one of my co-workers who told me that she was dating another man... naturally i was a bit taken aback and hurt... I didn't know how react so I pulled away. When she confronted me about it I told her I was disappointed that she didn't tell me she was dating someone after I told her how I felt (granted we were not exclusive or dating at the time but I felt she should have mentioned something). I told her at that point that I needed to put some distance between us as I was confused and hurt... That didn't go so well... She instantly said "That's how it is with you men... all or nothing" which confused me even more what did she mean by that?
Now she seems more distant than ever and things are a bit awkward...

I like her but I don't know how to fix this? Was I completely wrong in my reaction? Does she see me as "just a friend"? Was the fact that I showed my weaker side and emotions during the divorce perhaps change the way she views me?

Ive asked many people if I was just imagining this honestly and they all agree with me that she was clearly interested in me.

What can i do to get her to like me again?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[smackie9]

Duplicate post

[Wakeup]

Can you not see that you were extremely interesting to her when you were unavailable and now that you are available you don't seem as interesting. There are many people like her (men and women) who find already taken people very enticing because it means they themselves don't have to commit as long as you can't.

The "all or nothing" comment is very telling about her inability to commit or her non-desire to at least.

She's a C*nt. Don't bother with her or anyone else right now. You need to come to terms with your divorce and figure out what could have been done differently so that you don't repeat mistakes. You've not given yourself enough time to do that yet.

[Canada Goose]

Wakeup thank you very much for your advice. I sincerely appreciate it.

The divorce was quite telling and ill be honest with you when I say I'm somewhat cloudy on where and how to proceed at times.

Even though the divorce was messy i still havent lost faith that the right person is out there for me. I guess im just looking in the wrong places.

Thanks again,

[Valixy]

It wasn't the most appropriate thing to offer you all that support while you were in the process of getting divorced, but who can blame her for wanting a relationship with someone who is ready for it?

[basilandthyme]

You told her that you weren't ready for a relationship. Did you think she'd put her love life on hold waiting for you?

[Canada Goose]

Valixy and basilandthyme thank you both for your input.
I really wanted a woman's opinion on the matter as well.

The truth is that I guess in my mind she would be willing to work with me and be patient enough to give me a bit of time.
I didn't want to lose her but i wasn't ready to jump into something again right away.
I sincerely intended on seeing her still and gradually getting more serious as we went... i always believed things came with time but i digress not all people see it that way.
I suppose what hurt the most was the fact that she hadn't told me that she was seeing someone, I felt like she should have told me from the start, I had opened up to her and i thought we had something good brewing. I suppose I was mistaken.

You are both completely right, i did say i wasn't ready for a relationship right away but I had to be honest, It's been a while but my divorce but it wasnt easy and it left me a bit tentative to jump back into the pool.

Many thanks again for your input.

[pcmaster]

I think she just wanted to have a good time and have positive emotions without being serious. As wakeup said, no oblications. So quess she wanted your attention and you to show her good time, short term relationship but she didnt wanted all of you. Once you divorced you became ready to be in long term relationship and looks like she didnt wanted it. Looks like the person who likes to get best of each person(cake) but dont get deep in complicated feelings.

[smiling100]

Stay away from her & spend some time by yourself & heal. You were obviously not in the head space to jump back into something new.

Something else will come along one day, the timing isn't perfect for you n her by the sounds of it. The fact you are posting about your situation on a online forum says to me she has the potential to do your head in.


Good luck

[Canada Goose]

smilling100 many thanks for your advice.

I agree, its too soon to get into something. Normally im of a much sounder mind but I'll be the first to admit I'm not seeing things as clearly as i should.

keeping distance was my initial first thought and i'm glad you see it the same way, though i must admit, I wasn't sure if in doing so I was the "Bad guy" which is not what I wanted to be but for my own mental well being I don't doubt its the right move.

Thanks again,

[michelle23]

If someone of the opposite sex goes out of their way to help you/be there for you and your married-you should be very wary of them and tell them to get lost. Shes not wife/relationship material. Shes actually more like a spider trying to catch a fly. You can do better

[Canada Goose]

michelle23 many thanks for your advice.

Like i mentioned, I wasn't in the best state of mind and should have been more cautious.

I wasn't thinking "is this person what I really want?" I believe I was more attracted to the fact that she had expressed interest during a time I was vulnerable.

She is rather attractive and many men like her and i believe i was attracted to her more for what she did for my ego rather than her as a person which is never a good thing and I can admit that.

I learned divorce no matter how good your intentions are is not an easy thing to go through and can leave you vulnerable.

I was at work today (as she works right in front of me) and I was courteous but not in the same manner as before.
I noticed she approached me and generally seemed to try to get me to spend time with her and socialize again (she wanted to have lunch with me) but I shied away.

I believe this is the best approach and with time she will catch on.

Once again michelle23 thank you kindly for your input.

This forum has been a very helpful tool, and has helped me to better understand my choices.

I thank you all for your candor and honesty.

[michelle23]

Your welcome. Did this woman play a part in your divorce?

[Canada Goose]

No not at all.

The circumstances of my divorce (as embarrassed as I am to admit it) was that my ex-wife was physically violent with me.
I couldn't stay in a marriage like that. Even after she went through therapy for her anger it still didn't change anything.

My marriage was in jeopardy long before she came into the picture.
I will admit however that she made me feel good about myself, and in all honesty she was often on my mind in when I was feeling down.
That being said I never made advances or did anything inappropriate as I hold myself to a higher standard than that.

Thanks again for you help!

[AnErin]

Getting involved with someone shortly after divorce is called a "rebound relationship". They seldom last long.

With divorce itself - yeah it is tough at first. If only you had done one more thing to make it right. If only this or that happened...

You will find though that as you heal from it, you will notice life is more fun and peaceful without some burdensome spouse.