Major Set Back Today

[ChaosTheory]

Let me begin my explaining my story. So, I was in a year and a half relationship with a woman that I loved. The relationship was very good until the last month or so before the breakup. I was experiencing severe depression due to personal issues which I will not go into. One night I was experiencing a severe panic attack. My ex was yelling to me about my personal views about my depression. I tried to turn away as I was feeling attacked, and my ex pulled on my shoulder. I raised a fist at her. I began crying immediately afterwards due to nearly hurting her and my own issues. During panic attacks, I have the tendency to hit myself which I did in this case. As you can tell, my emotional state was very unstable during that point in my life. My ex told me that we would talk about what happened the next morning.

When that morning finally came, my ex broke up with me. I begged, pleaded, wrote her a two page letter of apology, apologized sincerely to her, and told her that I was willing to work through the issues through couple counseling and therapy. I told her I would do whatever it took to make the relationship healthy again. My ex rejected my offers. I found out three days later that my ex was sending nude photos of herself to a guy she previously emotionally cheated on me with six months prior to this. My ex confessed to that initial moment, and I forgave her and gave her a second chance.

Well, I confronted my ex and asked her if she left me for this other man. My ex laughed in my face, told me that I didn't truly understand why we broke up, that I am a good person, but not trustworthy, and that she can have sex with whoever she wishes. They both had sex a week later, and the only apology I ever received from her was "Sorry that I hurt you, but I can have sex with whoever I wish and I still have that right." She then started dating someone else about three weeks to a month after breaking up with me.

I was very emotional during that time and took everything she said to heart: the fact that I am a potential abuser, that she was completely in the right, that I should not be insulted that she slept with this guy a week after leaving me. Well, I still wanted my ex despite this. My ex would install false hope within me. For example, she asked if she could walk with me to my class and act kind hearted and flirtatious in some ways. When I ran into her at a coffee shop, she asked if I could sit next to her and would be completely friendly with me and seemed to truly like my presence. Maybe she was just trying to be civil as she would continuously talk about friendship post breakup, I don't know. I did favors for her because I cared for her at the time, and I did not want her to fail her classes, such as delivering to her a novel we had to read and so on.

I was in a very emotional state as described earlier. I would Tumblr stalk my ex for the first month. I would ask anonymous questions in relation to messages that she posted such as "On a scale of one through ten, how inappropriate would it be to invite someone I did the frick frack with into my mom's car?" My questions were such as "It seems you are moving on very quick from your relationship. Have you fully recovered?" and so on. Some were based on her sex life after the emotional cheating incident. My ex then confronted me of harassing her. That was the last time we ever spoke besides one run in. During that period of time, all my friend's were my ex's friends and they all sided with her, I was experiencing major depression, and I lost a woman that I cared about, so I am learning to forgive myself for my crazy behavior as it was based on extreme emotional feelings.

Well, fast forwarding a few months, I ran into one of my ex's friends. I truly liked her and wished we could still maintain that friendship. I wish I could tell her my side of the story so she would assume I am such an abusive asshole. It's difficult as that moment opened the flood gates to my sadness due to the issue. I felt like such an abusive monster during the break up, I felt like no one could love me, and I wish I could show her and tell her that I truly appreciated the friendship. I also wish I could tell my ex that I did care about her and was willing to move mountains for her to make the relationship healthy again like I did for her when she initially cheated on me. God, do I wish that. This is my first relationship as well, so it is hard for me to see a future with someone new. I'm scared to date again as I feel I will be hurt like this again.

Thank you for hearing me out.

[Valixy]

Having little emotional control and raising a fist during an argument could scare any woman and provoke a break up. The important thing is that you've learnt from that and you wouldn't react the same way again. Don't beat yourself over what happened too much, accept that we all make mistakes in life that help us improve our behaviour.

The bad moment you had doesn't take away the many qualities you have as a partner and could make any woman happy though, but I personally don't think that your girlfriend deserved them. She cheated on you emotionally and while in a relationship with you she started sending naked pictures to another guy, which shows that she has very little respect for herself and poor values. Maybe you weren't always the easiest partner due to your problems with depression but this doesn't mean that she had the right to disrespect you. What happened after the break up is entirely her decison indeed but I personally don't find her sleeping around a point in her favour. You've doged a bullet.

Maybe she has a closer relationship with many of the friends you had in common, but people aren't stupid, well at least not all of them can be. Some may be just superficial students in their 20ies, but others will have a bit more sensitivity and understand that break ups occur every day and most of the time both partners are responsable for what happened or they simply weren't compatible enough. Besides she already had her eyes set on another guy, so the break up wasn't entirely because of the argument you had.

At your age relationships will come and go, you're just dating and figuring out who you are as partner and what you really like in a woman and a relationship. Forget about your unfaithfull ex, trust that people who are really worth it won't judge you without speaking with you, study hard, enjoy yourself whenever you can and try to find your internal and external balance and turn into a happier and more confident man in the years to come.

I don't think that you should justify yourself in front of anyone, we can all have a bad moment after all, and besides just by being friendly and speaking of something that could interest both you and the others, guarantees you all a much better time together :-)

[searock]

I can't believe you are so surprised that she slept with someone else so soon after the break up: to her, the relationship had already been over for months. She even had an emotional affair, how could you not see that? So really, your rage is totally misplaced. She didn't move on too quickly, she had been moving on for months before the actual break up.

I think you should go completely no contact, you should also see a mental health professional and move on with your life.

[smackie9]

So everyone here has clearly explained everything to you. Listen to these wise words, and move on. You are fresh from a breakup and it will take time to absorb it all, and sort through your emotions. Time is the only way for you to heal, so don't be in a panic over your future, you will be just find in time....the feelings just have to wear off that is all. Remove yourself from her and anyone she is associated with and start rebuilding your life. What you are feeling is quite normal. It's all good. You live you learn you grow you move onto better things a little more wiser

[ChaosTheory]

My ex didn't send the nude photos while we were dating. What I meant to type was that she sent nude photos three days after leaving me to this guy. I believed my ex didn't have feelings for him anymore, but obviously that was a lie as she jumped to him immediately after leaving me. I did though find out that this guy did call me ex frequently when he was drunk while we were still dating, and he would continuously talk to her about sexual topics. I knew my ex still talked to him, but I think I was in denial. I did not want to admit that my ex could have still been attracted to him.

Well, since the break up occurred months ago, I have come to some realizations that I believe will impact the rest of my life.

1) You cannot force someone to love you. If someone does not love you, then don't chase them. Respect yourself.

2) Depression is an illness that must be confronted in an honest way. Only you can tackle your own issues, and you need to do so for own happiness and your partner's as well.

3) If your partner has depression, understand how painful the experience is for them. If they are truly trying to seek help, then be there for them. If it becomes too unhealthy to bear, you might have to let them go, but do not give up on them until that point comes.

4) Do not ignore the red flags. My ex would talk about how she would feel guilty when I told her that she was the best things that has ever happened to me. She would tell me that she did not want to hurt me if we ever broke up. I should have known she was planning to leave me.

5) Stand up for yourself. Do not become a doormat.

6) Codependency does not work. My ex wanted to spend everyday with me. I loved her, so I had problems doing so, but I can see how unhealthy it truly was. Unfortunately for my ex's new partner, she is doing exactly the same thing to him.

7) You must love yourself.


It was a long journey because I truly believed I was an abusive boyfriend. I was willing to accept everything that my ex told me about how I was unworthy of her love. I felt at my lowest. I can see now that is not true and that my ex is to blame as well.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Sounds to me your ex wasn't the most morally-upright person. Its sounds to me she played a mental game with you to justify her poor behaviour.

This doesn't excuse your outburst but, unless you have a history of anger management and abuse, I don't think you sound evil. More you were tired, depressed and a bit badgered by her, so you lost it for a moment. But not so far as to actually hurt her. I suspect she used it as her excuse to breakup and maybe even to a bit of twisting the knife into you out of spite.

The facts as I see it:

- you have to do some clean-up in your emotional backyard before you can contribute to a relationship. Do this work.
- your ex and you are, at the least, very incompatible re: support and values. Let her go and move on.
- be kinder to yourself. We are all human with lessons to learn. Guilt is overrated.

Good luck.

- - - Updated - - -

The bad moment you had doesn't take away the many qualities you have as a partner and could make any woman happy though, but I personally don't think that your girlfriend deserved them. She cheated on you emotionally and while in a relationship with you she started sending naked pictures to another guy, which shows that she has very little respect for herself and poor values. Maybe you weren't always the easiest partner due to your problems with depression but this doesn't mean that she had the right to disrespect you. What happened after the break up is entirely her decison indeed but I personally don't find her sleeping around a point in her favour. You've doged a bullet.

This^. Read this many times until you believe it.

[galaxyman]

I can't believe you are so surprised that she slept with someone else so soon after the break up: to her, the relationship had already been over for months. She even had an emotional affair, how could you not see that? So really, your rage is totally misplaced. She didn't move on too quickly, she had been moving on for months before the actual break up.

I think you should go completely no contact, you should also see a mental health professional and move on with your life.

This ^^ . I learned (the hard way) that women start breaking up with the guy months before the guy suddenly does.

[moneyspills]

Consider the fact that you want her back because you miss her. It only stands to reason that the way to get her back is to encourage her to feel those same things. If you are constantly in her face trying to get her to take you back, she's not going to have a chance to miss you at all. You need to make yourself scarce in her life. This means cutting off all contact. That includes everything from calling her to emailing her at work. You need to stay out of her life and make a promise to yourself that you won't sneak in a quick drive by her house hoping to catch a glimpse of her and you won't text her just to say hi. You have to forget about her and do it for at least a couple of weeks.

Here's a video to help you: