How do I leave when he won't let me go? *Emotional Abuse*

[MA1946]

Hi. This is my first post here. I just need some advice from third parties and found this forum. Hope someone can help. Thanks in advance.

I've been married almost 5 years, we've been together for 12 years. The first couple of years were happy, normal.

Then the emotional and verbal abuse began.

There have been one or two isolated pushing/throwing things incidents, but no hitting or other physical abuse. And yes, I do know that emotional/verbal abuse can be just as, and in some cases, more harmful, but I just wanted to initially state that there hasn't been any physical abuse.

Our marriage has been particularly difficult for the past 2 years, the past year or so being the worst. There has been no physical intimacy, more arguing, more name calling (by him), and more of my feeling helpless, hopeless, depressed. About 9 months ago, I sat with him on an otherwise uneventful day, without having been provoked by an argument, etc., and told him I wanted out of the marriage. I told him about everything he'd done to hurt me, and that I'd simply had enough. I began making plans to move out. After a few days, he began begging and crying for me to stay and give him another chance. Suggested we go to counseling, and said that he'd try to get better and get his anger under control. I know now that I shouldn't have given in. But in that moment, with the years of manipulation and abuse in my mind, I shrank back into that small person he'd made me feel like, and gave in. We started counseling a couple weeks later, and continued going for about 4 months. I definitely saw small changes in him. There was no more name calling or obvious verbal abuse. But little by little, the manipulation creeped back into our lives, and I once again began to feel weak, helpless, and extremely unhappy. We talked about it again a few weeks ago, but this was provoked by another huge argument. We discussed separating, and he seemed more open to it, but there has been no more discussion of that, and I once again fear that I am not feeling strong enough to leave.

I fear that anyone reading this who has not been in an emotionally abusive relationship will not understand that it is not simply "just leave if you want to leave" in these situations. I feel broken. I feel weak. And I almost feel like I need his "permission" to leave the marriage, even though I know that's not really the case.

So, I think what I'm asking... if you have been in this situation... how did you get out? How do I leave when he won't let me go? He says he loves me, but I know that anyone who treats me like this surely couldn't love me. We do not have any children, so that's not an issue here. So, anyone, please, advice? Thanks.

[HeartIsAching]

Hi. This is my first post here. I just need some advice from third parties and found this forum. Hope someone can help. Thanks in advance.

I've been married almost 5 years, we've been together for 12 years. The first couple of years were happy, normal.

Then the emotional and verbal abuse began.

There have been one or two isolated pushing/throwing things incidents, but no hitting or other physical abuse. And yes, I do know that emotional/verbal abuse can be just as, and in some cases, more harmful, but I just wanted to initially state that there hasn't been any physical abuse.

Our marriage has been particularly difficult for the past 2 years, the past year or so being the worst. There has been no physical intimacy, more arguing, more name calling (by him), and more of my feeling helpless, hopeless, depressed. About 9 months ago, I sat with him on an otherwise uneventful day, without having been provoked by an argument, etc., and told him I wanted out of the marriage. I told him about everything he'd done to hurt me, and that I'd simply had enough. I began making plans to move out. After a few days, he began begging and crying for me to stay and give him another chance. Suggested we go to counseling, and said that he'd try to get better and get his anger under control. I know now that I shouldn't have given in. But in that moment, with the years of manipulation and abuse in my mind, I shrank back into that small person he'd made me feel like, and gave in. We started counseling a couple weeks later, and continued going for about 4 months. I definitely saw small changes in him. There was no more name calling or obvious verbal abuse. But little by little, the manipulation creeped back into our lives, and I once again began to feel weak, helpless, and extremely unhappy. We talked about it again a few weeks ago, but this was provoked by another huge argument. We discussed separating, and he seemed more open to it, but there has been no more discussion of that, and I once again fear that I am not feeling strong enough to leave.

I fear that anyone reading this who has not been in an emotionally abusive relationship will not understand that it is not simply "just leave if you want to leave" in these situations. I feel broken. I feel weak. And I almost feel like I need his "permission" to leave the marriage, even though I know that's not really the case.

So, I think what I'm asking... if you have been in this situation... how did you get out? How do I leave when he won't let me go? He says he loves me, but I know that anyone who treats me like this surely couldn't love me. We do not have any children, so that's not an issue here. So, anyone, please, advice? Thanks.

I need to start this by telling you something you may already know, possibly something you've thoguht about or refused to think about - when the mental and emotional abuse stops working he WILL escalate to physical abuse. It's what abusers do when their other methods of control stop working; they escalate. Don't stay. He's made it fairly clear that his motivation in going to counseling with you wasn't because he felt he needed a change, but a ploy to keep you... you're an object to him, a prize.

If you heed that advice, the only way for you to break away is to stop feeling the need to discuss it with him: Just do it. Get an attorney, start proceedings and have the papers delivered to him by a process server. Be prepared to leave the day they're delivered. You CAN leave that day, even if you're not financially able to do it yourself. There are LOTS of shelters for battered women and yes, you qualify. Try not to see him at all that day, as it's likely that he will escalate to violence at that point.

Sister, don't put yourself in the situation my wife did with her ex.

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Oh, BTW - the pushing IS physical violence, and more than sufficient to get him put in jail. Throwing things is an intimidation tactic, designed to show you what he can do.

[MA1946]

Thank you. Yeah, if I could afford an attorney or filing fees, I probably would have already done that. Part of the problem is that I have no money of "my own" as he controls the finances. I started to try to save some here and there over the past 9 months, but it's not very much. Probably just enough for a deposit/first month's rent on an apartment.

Any advice on how to make him understand he's got to let me go?? I know this is a tough question to answer. It may not have an answer. I may just be wishing and hoping for too much.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Make him understand by leaving and not coming back or responding to him. You say you have enough for a deposit and first month's rent..that's a start. Do you have any male relatives or friends who can help you move out? You should get yourself an apartment set up and then have them help you move out. Don't tell him where you're moving to.

[MA1946]

I really appreciate everyone's advice. However, I would really love to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation. I just feel that it's easy to say "just leave" to someone like me, but in reality... it's just not that simple. :/

[HeartIsAching]

Yes it is.

My wife has been through a worse (longer term, physical violence eventually was incorporated) situation, and she'd tell you the same thing.

[basilandthyme]

Can you go to a women's refuge? Have you called any domestic violence hotlines?

[smackie9]

have you ever thought that mental illness is setting in? You have known him for 12 years and the abuse started within the last 2 so there is something up.

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You want to know how to get out of this marriage, next time her gets physical, call the police and have him hauled away, and start the process of getting a restraining order. Then while he is in jail pack your bags and stay with a relative or friend.

[lovesaidno]

I have been in a similar situation. There is no easy answer. Deep in your heart and soul, at the very bottom of your toes 99.9 % of you knows you do not want to be there, that you deserve better and that you will find better, but there is always something keeping you back. Its like that 0.1% of the unknown has a greater hold on you than the 99.9% of you that is sure.

The important thing is that you are aware that this is happening, you are aware of your circumstances. Some people go through these abusive relationships not realizing anything is wrong because this is what they are use to, this is what they think is acceptable behavior and acceptable feelings. For me it was a matter of convincing myself that yes this is going to be scary, it will be unknown. I am the type of person who likes every detail planned out, I had to face the fact that I didn't have a plan, didn't know where I was going to go etc, but I knew ANYTHING would be better than the position I was in.

[Johnagape]

He's made it fairly clear that his motivation in going to counseling with you wasn't because he felt he needed a change, but a ploy to keep you... you're an object to him, a prize.

Marriage counseling is NOT for abusive manipulative relationships. They are meant for honest couples who love each other. Your husband needs to be treated for whatever ails him. When or if that can be cured then there will be no problem in your marriage. From what you have written there does not seem to be a marriage problem, there is a husband problem. Your husband sounds as if he loves possessing you, not loving you for who you are.

As basilandthyme wrote: you can go to a women's refuge. Have you called any domestic violence hotlines? For help in the USA try:
http://www.thehotline.org/

Don't talk to him about leaving. Just disappear. If you need time to pack your bags, have a few friends with you, and don't go back.

Remember, things can be replaced. You cannot. The things that you leave behind can be bought when you have recovered and are back on your feet. Take only those things that have great value to you and cannot be replaced.

You have to think about your safety. The fact that he has not hit you yet means absolutely nothing.

[michelle23]

Abusive people are all about control and power. If his verbal and emotional abuse stops working, he will get violent. You are in more danger than you realize and you need to get help. Do your family know whats going on? You need to tell them and ask them to help you get out. You should go to a divorce lawyer asap. Dont tell him what your doing. Have it all sorted before you go and then leave when hes at work with the signed papers on the table and have a forwarding address to the lawyer.

[IndiReloaded]

Marriage counseling is NOT for abusive manipulative relationships. They are meant for honest couples who love each other.

The fact that he has not hit you yet means absolutely nothing.

HIA and John are absolutely right. I've been where you are. I stuck it out for almost 20 years b/c of the kids. Every situation is different, so I'll leave it to you to ask your questions and I will answer as best I can. Here are a couple thoughts to ponder:

- Hope dies last. (You have to face what IS, not what you wish it to be)

- When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.. you will leave. (why are you staying?)

In my own case, leaving was the best thing for *everyone*. I met my soulmate and I am happier than I've ever been. It wasn't easy, but it was more than worth it.

[Constructo Man]

I may just be wishing and hoping for too much.

You answered your own question here ^. When you got married you probably took a vow. Sadly, in this day and age, honesty is not valued. What did it mean to you when you promised,"Til death do us part?" The Bible explains the only cause for divorce is unfaithfulness. In my opinion if physical abuse is taking place then he is being unfaithful because being abusive is not part of honoring you as a wife. You should leave him if he is physically abusive. I consider pushing to be physical abuse. You didn't go into specifics about the "emotional abuse." The whole emotional abuse thing is subjective. It probably stems from both of you having issues with communication. Your own past and upbringing may play a role in this too. If your parents divorced at an early age then it is likely you view divorce as acceptable and a way out of unhappiness. If your depressed and you don't seek help for your depression then you could be blaming him for your own clinical issues and projecting your unhappiness on to him. Manipulation is an overly stated term. Most people are not used to being direct and they use manipulation to get what they want. This doesn't mean that being manipulative is right. This would be an excellent topic to address in couple's counseling with a professional in the room. Men usually do not like to talk about their feelings and go to counseling but he is willing to make this work. Are you?

[michelle23]

Constructo man I think you should research emotional abuse before assuming it doesnt exist. Id rather be beaten to a pulp then be emotionally tortured daily.

[BirthstoneBear]

Don't ask him for permission...just leave. Ask for professional help! Go to a safe place. How do I know this is the right thing to do? Because I've just been through it. Whilst you are in the relationship (they say love is blind) you accept this behaviour! Don't..get out now as it will only get worse. Is there a court order you could take out to get him to leave? That's what I did with my husband. He had ended our marriage but didn't leave our home. He thought by bullying me that I would up and run away but after 2yrs of abuse the police finally took action and served an assault charge on him.
He had originally moved out and threatened to commit suicide so making me feel guilty and I asked him to return home even just as friends. You can't remain together for your own safety. Keep us posted and message me if you want to chat further.

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Could you not go to the law society and see if a trainee lawyer would take up your case for free....as experience for them?
Just a thought! Good luck Hun.