Thinking about leaving my husband

[jocelyn85]

I got pregnant 2 months after my now husband and I started dating, and got married a month after he was born. We've now been married for 4 1/2 years and have 2 kids. I do love him, but I've never felt like I was truly in love with him. I've always felt like I was doing what I needed to do because we have kids together. We've had good times, don't get me wrong. We have lots of fun together, and we have some very passionate sex. But I still can't help but feel like he's not "the one" for me. Is the love I'm seeking not real? Do all relationships end up like this? I can't help but think about what it would be like to be single, meet other people (nothing serious), and just not have to answer to anyone. But how do I explain to people why we got divorced? Everyone that knows us, sees us happy together all of the time, it would be a huge shock. Not that they matter, but I am going to have to face those people. My husband knows I feel this way, but keeps telling me that I feel that way because I don't let myself give him my all. That I don't give 100% and that if I did, then I would feel differently. But I can't force it, I don't want to. I don't think it should feel like something I have to do. I should just WANT to be with him, no questions asked. I get crushes on guys all of the time too. I wonder what it would be like to be with certain guys that I like, and I think that if I truly loved my husband I wouldn't be thinking like that. Please give me some outside insight.

[mollymari]

That's a tough one; you have children and of course they take precedence.

I can only say I have a female friend in a similar situation and she decided to stick it out; well, many years later she is still there, though in many ways, not and deeply unhappy. Her children are years older and see their Mother and Father unhappy and this of course, is hard on them.

Of those I've known who have separated when their kids are young, the kids seem to recover better compared to when they are older.
So...., what i'm trying to say is, if your sticking it out for their sake, you may not be doing them the favor you think you are.
Lots of people separate amicably and raise wonderful children.

and though I imagine many folks in committed relationships have the odd fantasy, I agree with you that if your getting actual crushes and often at that plus being unable to naturally give 100% ( and this is nothing that can be forced), well, sounds like the Universe is trying to tell you something and from what you've said, your listening.

[jocelyn85]

I know that you're right. The best thing for everyone would be to leave. I guess I'm just scared. I'm scared that I'll regret this later. I'm scared to be alone. I'm just SCARED.

[haxan]

I'm guessing from your screen name that you're 28 or 29 yoa? Anyway, not sure if you had a regular dating life prior to your husband. Most people, men and women, that feel the way you do when they get married tend to have gotten married young, or only had 1 or 2 relationships prior to taking the plunge.

You didn't really say what was missing, or what will make you happy. I'd say sit down and talk to him about it, maybe he feels the same way and it will be a big step forward for both of you. Or maybe you can see things in each other that you didn't bother to notice before and move forward together happily. Either way you have to talk to him and let him know that something is missing for you, and see how he feels and how he feels about what you say.

[jocelyn85]

Yes we got married in my early 20's and I do feel like I missed out on my 20's. He knows I've been feeling this way, I've talked to him about it a lot and he thinks my thoughts are just in a bad place. I left him a little over a month ago and came back a week later, so he knows what's going on. I've had boyfriends ever since I started high school, I've never really been single since I was old enough to date. Before my husband, I was with my ex for 6 years and left him because he was a drug addict and wouldn't quit.

[Petit Papillon]

Ask yourself another question. Do you imagine your life *without* your husband? Can you imagine that you two are not going to kiss each other anymore, hold each other to sleep anymore, look at each other like on another half anymore? If you csn imagine all that, then I think it means you already decided in your mind, that it's over.

[mollymari]

Yes, what Petit Pap said about trying to imagine a life without him in it romantically will give you allot more insight; though whatever you decide he will always be in your life for he is the Father of your children.
You know, what ever you decide, it is not going to be easy. Could it be that because you've not been single for very long ever, there's an overwhelming desire to experience that?
The good news?, well it sounds like your hubby is being most understanding. could be worse right?
Do the two of you have date nights sometimes or is it all domestic in home stuff all the time because that'd drive anyone a little batty.

Is your husband good to you? Do you feel the Za za zoom when with him or has all of that vanished beyond repair?
Honestly, your a family situation and in a perfect world, no one wants to mess with that....
You must follow your heart and think things through. You have babies with this man and it is natural for any person to crave independence. You need to go into the future and imagine what you'd like your life to be like.
and then see if he's in it as your man.
Again, only you know the inner most workings of what's going on with you and yours; but being a happy person is key. You must be happy for if you don't work well, nothing else does... It is a big decision . I wish you well.

[Starnique]

I guess you want to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side. I can assure you that it is not. However, you cant help how you feel and you need to realize this for yourself. Hopefully when you try coming back (because you will) after "living your life", your hubby will still be available.

[basilandthyme]

You need to get yourself into both individual and marriage counselling. Work together with a professional to see what can be fixed

[smackie9]

There are no issues in your marriage, and since you never really fell in love what is there to repair? I can't see counseling being able to keep you together considering you were never really in love in the first place. You can't make yourself fall in love with him, so what is the point? Separate for awhile and see how you feel then, with life without him and how you get along with the dealings of shared custody. Maybe you do need to move on.

- - - Updated - - -

I know that you're right. The best thing for everyone would be to leave. I guess I'm just scared. I'm scared that I'll regret this later. I'm scared to be alone. I'm just SCARED.

You will still have to share your lives together as friends because you will be sharing custody of the children. There is nothing wrong with have him over for a family dinner once in awhile, or even when you two do start dating, you both can still be a part of each others lives. You have friends and family that can help you with your transition, so you won't be alone.