Guys? What is this guy THINKING?!

[rosanna54321]

I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago even thought i was still in love with him, when I felt him being distant and losing interest, and he never fought for me in the few months after i ended it.

Recently, over the past month, hes invited me to a party at his house, always asking my friends how im doing and sent me a fb message asking if we could 'kiss, make up and be friends' and to go out that night with him and his housemate for drinks. I ignored it for a week and then replied 'is this a joke?' he didn't reply.

Then a few days ago I ran into his best friend on the high road near my house, and we had a little chat for a bit, and the next morning i awoke to a message sent to me at 2 am from my ex, saying that he'd been self destructing the last few months, and apologizing multiple times for not talking to me, not that it was an excuse and that he really wants to be friends, and then invited me over to his house and said he would cook us a nice meal and we can catch up, finished by him saying he understands if i don't want to, repeating again that he was sorry and hadn't been himself.

What should I make of this text? its been 6 months! my friends think he wants me back but i am unconvinced, and would really like a guy's advice on this. I'm also really scared that if i do go and catch up ill start getting feelings for him again and then it'll be heartbreak all over again when he wants to be "just friends"

I don't really want to be friends with him, but I am curious as to why hes suddenly changed his mind about us communicating, and I feel like if I don't go I'll always think what if.. you know? And this guy was my first love, so I guess i'll always have some kind of feeling for him, and maybe a little part of me wants him to want me again. Am i reading too much into this? I literally haven't spoken to him in 6 months.. I don't understand why this has changed and hes started trying to build a bridge.

Why is he messaging me all of a sudden 6 months later after the split? Doesnt that seem extremely odd and longwinded? Could my friends possibly be right that he's still into me or do you all think its probably more a just friends situation?

Any thoughts? Guys? Girls? Would really mean a lot to me.
Thanks

[surfhb2]

Yeah. You're thinking too much into it. He just sounds bored. Who knows? Who cares? You cut ties so just ignore his chatter or block him

[rosanna54321]

Yeah. You're thinking too much into it. He just sounds bored. Who knows? Who cares? You cut ties so just ignore his chatter or block him

I ended things because i felt him losing interest in me, not because i wanted to..

[Valixy]

I think that you should be careful since he used twice the word ''friends''. Unless he's a young inexperienced guy who is still interested in you in a romantic way but can't think of a better way to approach you again, you should probably believe that these are his true intentions and decide accordingly.

[basilandthyme]

I'm not a guy, but I can still advise you on how to protect yourself.

"he says he really wants to be friends". THIS is the crux of it all.

He's sad and lonely and hanging out with an ex is better than being alone. Make no mistake, when he finds a new girl, your 'friendship' won't be nearly so important to him.
Suggest you reply to his texts with something like "I already have enough friends thanks"

As a rule, I would never go back to an ex. But you're not me. If you want to reconcile with him DO NOT see him unless he tells you upfront that he really stuffed the relationship, has learned from it and would like to try again.

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I think that you should be careful since he used twice the word ''friends''. Unless he's a young inexperienced guy who is still interested in you in a romantic way but can't think of a better way to approach you again, you should probably believe that these are his true intentions and decide accordingly.

^^ this. I couldn't 'like' or 'add reputation' so I'm going to reiterate it.

[Valixy]

^^^ Thank you, Basil. I totally agree with your post too

[rosanna54321]

hes 22, i was his first proper gf... hes not the type to put himself out there if he actually gives a damn... but yes, I do see your point about the word friends.. ugh i hate that word!.. I just dont understand why he would bother after 6 months, and i know fact hes got good friends around him.

[basilandthyme]

hes not the type to put himself out there if he actually gives a damn...

I don't understand this sentence. Are you saying that even if he's passionate about something, he won't be arsed doing anything about it? If so, he doesn't sound like a prize catch.

Anyway, if you don't like the whole 'friends' thing, just ignore him. What he means and what he wants should have zero relevance to you now.

[Wakeup]

Ask him outright if his invitation is a reach out to get back together as a couple because if it isn't, then thanks for the invite but no thanks. He's setting you up to be a FWB. If you want to be a platonic friend then meet him some where other then his home. If you don't want to be his platonic friend then don't meet him at all. Get it cleared up by him and then do what you will based on informed decision rather then what us strangers on the internet guess at.

[Johnagape]

Hi Rosanna, Your ex might be confused with his emotions. So here are my thoughts.

He didn't fight for you when you split, but that he wants to be friends now can be that he thought through and wants to be with you, but is insecure. That you were his first real gf could indicate this It could also mean that he is lonely and wants a relationship with you as a bridge until he meets someone else. It is a decision you have to make as you know him.

If you do meet up, then start somewhere neutral. Go to a restaurant or somewhere you can talk in peace. Don't go to his place, or yours. Not even directly after the restaurant visit. You both will need to think quietly about what you talked about.

You can't start where you left off, something was wrong then. You need to start fresh, and this time with him honestly communicating his feelings. If he has difficulty doing this, then you both need to work on helping him overcome the difficulty. He must want to be able to communicate, and you must support and help him with this.

I emphasize this: he must WANT to be able to communicate honestly with you. If not, then you have to let him go. Without honesty and trust, how can a relationship develop and deepen? You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

We tend to simplify love as the passionate intense feeling we feel for another person, but it is not as simple as that. Love is the most complex emotions (yes plural) we have.

When we fall in love and feel that intense buzz, this is not mature love, but infatuation, which is the phase where we bond with our partner. For all its passion infatuation is easy come and easy go. We can fall into love (infatuation) in an instant, and wake up one morning 6 months later and it's mysteriously gone.

That is NOT falling out of love. That is moving on to a deeper love. Infatuation is supposed to go. Our love should develop, mature and deepen. This confusion of mixing up love and infatuation is one of the main reasons young couples break up.

Then there is the lust – love confusion. Some people fall into lust. This can be as sudden as infatuation, and can be as intense and passionate as infatuation. But it does feel different. Believe me, I am an old grey-haired bloke and I have experienced both. Love and lust feel different, at least to a man. I have no idea how women feel about these two feelings. If the person does not understand the difference, and feels lust, then there is a disconnect in the relationship.

If two people are both infatuated and their feeling mature into a deeper love we have a good situation. If they have sex there is a bonding. A mutual caring for each other.

However if the guy falls in lust and the girl falls in love we have a problem. If the guy then cajoles the girl into sex, or worse, she is all too willing, then it gets set in this man's mind that she is a sex object. This difficult to correct.

What happens then is that the guy is in a relationship to have sex, while the girl is having sex to have a relationship.

This is a bad situation and the chance of a happy future is not good.

In my young adult life have been in relationships to have sex (with mutual understanding), but now I am in a deep lifelong loving relationship. There is a difference.

So in summing up my advice is: Meet some neutral place. He must be honest and open. He must be able to tell you what he wants in your relationship. Think through what you talked about, and about his openness and honesty. If he is not open, if you have doubts about his honesty, then move on.

In your quiet reflection follow your intuition.

[HeartIsAching]

I ended things because i felt him losing interest in me, not because i wanted to..

You 'felt' him losing interest in you?

Why do I 'feel' that he was moving from the "honeymoon" phase to the "settling in for a good long relationship" phase, and you missed the butterflies in your stomach?

Did you ASK him if he was losing interest in you? If so, how did he respond? I have a sneaking suspicion that you eventually did, and he responded that he wasn't.

Sorry babe, that's just how relationships work.

[r321148]

Did you tell him that's why you broke up with him? If not then how does he know? I agree with the previous poster, maybe he just got comfortable. If it was bothering you did you try discussing it and seeing if it was something that could be sorted out?

Sorry but if a girl breaks up with me then I'm not going to "fight for her" unless I did something really wrong.....and I know about it!! Yes if I f**ked up then obviously I'd apologise and try to make things right but beyond that I'll respect her decision. She has made that decision to break up and to continue fighting against that is disrespectful of her right to make that decision. It seems like you were playing a game. The breakup was a test to see if he would fight for you... and he didn't want to play.

Yours is a strange reason as far as I'm concerned, if I wasn't interested in someone I wouldn't waste my time staying with them. I see no reason why I'd stay in a relationship with someone who I had little interest in, so you feeling him losing interest could have been nothing and might have been solvable by a simple discussion. If you were feeling neglected then did you try telling him so?....he may not have realised he was doing it. You felt him "being distant and losing interest" are you sure he didn't have other things on his mind? Did you ask?

As for why he's contacting you now... Did you ever think maybe he needed some time to heal as well? Maybe only now is he ready to talk to you rationally and without the hurt etc that comes from a breakup. Maybe not but I'd guess he misses you and that's why he's contacting you. As the poster above said.... If you want to know what his intentions are then ask him!!

I'd say though....he wants to be "friends" but he wants you to go to his house and cook you a nice meal?!? think about it would you do that for a "friend" who you haven't seen in 6 months....I wouldn't. Not saying he does want you back but do think about it...

[Nevio]

Guys don't want to be friends with girls, they want to be WITH girls. I'd ask him straight out if his intention is to get back together as more than friends, (if that is your desire as well) and tell him flat out that you don't want to get hurt again. Tell him why you broke up with him and ask him why he seemed to have lost interest at the time.