More than a year of pain has come to an end. Help me understand her. 2nd chance?

[frash]

Hi there ,
Need help with my breakup.

I'm 29 she's 27. I've had 4 relationships, she's had more. (I'm immature in regards to relationships)
I'm very slow to anger, shy, kind, find it hard to take control,spineless,independent, love freedom and friends and don't like confrontation.
She's passionate, quick to anger, ruled by emotion, loving, not easy going, not scared to say what she thinks, seems to love me more than anything, sensitive, sweet , soft,gentle, sexual.

I met my ex-girlfriend 18 months ago.
We have lived together most of the time in a tiny one room apartment after I moved to Japan with her (she's Japanese but let's not bring culture into this)
Our relationship has been very rocky but she promises me that she has never had the problems that we have had before. We fought on average almost every weekend since we have been together about stupid little things that she didn't like. It was basically her telling me what she didn't like and how I should do it. She would often explode and these fights would go on for hours because I would almost never admit fault but often said sorry begrudgingly in hopes to get her to calm down (she always demanded an apology ). I always felt that the thing I did was very small or nothing and her huge reaction was way over the top. I wouldn't yell or be abusive (usually) but I would never agree that what I did was worthy of her reaction and this infuriated her even more.

As time went on the frequency and intensity of these fights increased as we become more frustrated with each other. I became so tied from these fights and at night when one would start I would just go silent, start watching something on my laptop to try and cheer myself up and avoid the fight which from previous experience never resolve well. This infuriated her and she slammed my laptop shut , so I tried to just sleep but she would still scream , pull the blankets off me , hit me , sometimes slap me in the face.
I would physically have to get dressed and go outside into the cold for hours on a few occasions . One night I slept in the park because I refused to fight with her .
She would often raise her voice in public which really shocked me and even tore my shirt in front of everyone as I tried to run away from her. I actually have no money or anywhere else to go and would often return home as she would call me in tears saying sorry but when I got back she would demand that I hug her and kiss to make her feel better "it's your job! You made it ! Make me feel better" hugging and kissing her was the last thing I felt like doing but I eventually forced myself to do it because it would make her calm down. We did have many good times together we have basically been with each other non-stop and we are very close.

A few times we “broke up” but got back together a few hours later when I saw her little face crying like a baby. Its like she completely changes and becomes soft again and I cant leave her alone , something inside me feels like I want to hug her and kiss her and love her when I see her crying like that. She looks so vulnerable and pure and honest. Anyway last week we really broke up I packed my bag and tried to force myself outside the door one night. She screamed “I'm sorry I'm sorry its all my fault “ but I wouldn't budge on my decision but she wouldn't let me out the door (i didn't want to physically move her away from the door). Finally after about an hour of this stale mate she said “listen you can go , I know we are not right, I've even told my friends, its time to break up just please don't leave like this from a fight” so we talked about everything for hours about what we are going to do now that we are single,what went wrong and we liked about each other. That night I could not sleep because the first time in a long time I guess I was finally free. I was so excited with all the things I was going to do alone, it was really like Christmas eve, I couldn't believe it had actually happened and I realized I had been waiting for this for over a year. It was one of the rare occasions in my life I felt certain the right thing had happened.

Anyway so now we have been living together until we both find new places for the past week. I said we need to try to move on now and that maybe its kind of good to not completely cut off (but no sex) she agreed. I thought this would be hard but it is the only option and as predicted she has completely changed her tune and has hounded me non-stop about giving us one more chance . Saying she understands now she can see what love really is and that everything was her fault. She tells me she loves me (even though I asked her not to) and I can see she is tortured inside trying to be together again. I told her I have no interest in this and that I'm too happy now that I'm alone. I would never be able to try again . But she keeps insisting.
Its hurting so bad to imagine her heart and I am no longer happy about leaving her alone. I just feel so sad for her and at times I feel it would be good to just hold her and love her and value her as the loving sensitive amazing person she is. Sometimes I wonder if deep down I didn't actually love her and she could sense this and this is what made her so explosive. At the start I was very into her but after the first few times I saw her temper it freaked me out. I wonder if I was to give her real love (being content with her for the rest of my life ?) she would not have these explosions. At times I feel like I have turned her into this.

When we first broke up I felt ecstatic, no more pain for her or me, I felt like I was doing 100% the right thing. Now I'm not so sure and there is pain.
A little voice inside me is wondering if this is real love maybe I should hold onto this angel and live together forever. (probably not). But I cant shake the sheer sadness for her. I keep imagining her alone , missing me, crying, not able to be happy.

Anyway this is where I need your help:
advice ?
Should I give her another chance ? (im assuming no)
How should I leave her ?
Is there anything I can do to help her ?
She keeps asking me for sex and I keep rejecting her, is this the right thing or is this making her worse ?
I want to know the best way to deal with her.
Thanks very much

[Kromat83]

You keep coming back to her after the breakups, so I can clearly see you two aren't compatible if it keeps happening and she is driving you crazy.

I could say to leave her, but you might just come back.
How long have you been seeing her that your rejecting her sex offer ? don't you feel the same way she does about you ?

The post is long , but from what I read, you. Two are a mess and need to give each other space and fix each other and not be in a relationship for a while.

[frash]

You keep coming back to her after the breakups, so I can clearly see you two aren't compatible if it keeps happening and she is driving you crazy.

I could say to leave her, but you might just come back.
How long have you been seeing her that your rejecting her sex offer ? don't you feel the same way she does about you ?

The post is long , but from what I read, you. Two are a mess and need to give each other space and fix each other and not be in a relationship for a while.

Thanks very much for your advice. I know its long but I felt like it was the smallest amount of info required to get a feel for the situation.
I've been rejecting sex since we broke up (1-2 weeks). I don't really know how she feels. but like I said she wants to be together and I don't but its not so simple hence the long post.

[Valixy]

The intensity of the feelings of love you experience in the first 1-2 years of relationship tends to decrease in time. If she was able to abuse you like this at the beginning of the relationship, I don't want to think of what she could do to you in the future. Physical and emotional abuse escalete in most relationships as time goes by. Do yourself a favour and leave this girl who's capable of harming you. A similar woman I know who was always starting fights with her partner called the police once, accused him of hitting her and pressed charges, when all he was doing was trying to defend himself without harming her.

Your ex-girlfriend is like a bomb ready to explode at any time and she probably needs years of therapy until she'll get some kind of control.She doesn't need you, she needs professional help and you need to live your life without being abused.

You had an epiphany that night and felt with all your being that you should be free. Respect it because moments like that are a privilege in life. The feeling of loss that you experience now is mostly because you're reconnecting with her at emotional level and she's totally messed up, causing you to lose your sane perspective. Besides no break up is a total continuous bliss, so don't expect one, but in a case like yours it's very clear that you'll be much happier without her and most importantly, you will be safe.

[4 ratties]

seriously dude? u think she is beating u and a psycho because "deep down she might know u dont really love her". wtf? why would u be with her for 18 months if u didnt love her? u liked her the first few months then thats it? wtf. and obviously yes sex right now would be horrific. it will activate her emotions and anger so much more. she is a b!tch. in the same breath you say she physically and emotionally abuses u but oh shes so sweet and loving. really? u are fooling yourself. this relationship will never be a happy one. weve got a guy who is justifying and enabling a psycho raging girlfriend. and a girl who always gets her way when she throws a 2 year old tantrum. I just THANK GOD theres no baby involved in this crap.

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