Giving the silent treatment for not feeling appreciated

[benraw]

Sorry for the very long post, but I feel you need all the history to understand and provide useful advice....

My current issue is not getting through to my wife after various attempts of communication. Talking calmly is always my main form, but it always escalates into an argument. We then make up, without actually addressing the root of the problem. And of course it comes back, and on we go with this cycle. This is causing a lot of resent to build up inside. It's gotten to a point right now of me giving the silent treatment. I know this is not the best route, but I feel I have tried everything else, and now, I don't know if I should keep pushing till she breaks or to give in and try talking once again.

I'm new to this forum, so I'll start by giving an introduction, and then explain the issue...

I'm middle eastern in background, but born and raised in Canada. I would say my mentality is 80% Canadian, and 20% middle eastern. I love my wife very much, we've been for the most part happily married for 10 years. She's a housewife, and I am the single source of income for the family, until she is ready to start her career.

I consider myself most of the time, to be very good with communication, I always try to have open conversations to explain exactly how I feel about certain things, and I listen and try to understand her point of view. She on the other hand, is very hot headed, and on some particular topics, it always escalates to an argument or fight, due to her choice of tone (either condescending, angry, or mocking, etc). When she does this, I manage to stay calm and continue to provide facts and evidence and examples of what I am trying to explain. But when she continues with her method, and completely denies facts, and shows absolutely no logic, I lose it. Suddenly my tone changes, it escalates, we decide that we just can't come to an agreement, take a cool off period, and go back to normal. We both try to avoid the subject, but when it eventually comes back, the cycle is repeated.

My problem is this, I work hard, and provide a lot for her and the kids. I pretty much don't say no to anything she wants and support her in anything she does (within reason). Unfortunately I feel this is one way as I get little support for my stuff, and often feel completely unappreciated. I'll give some examples:

1. I used to go out once or twice in a month with the guys. She would always have problems with this and nag and hassle me about it. When she finally started having her 'girls nights' I would completely leave her to enjoy it. My intention is treating her the way I would like to be treated. I let you do your thing, when it's my turn, hopefully you will return the favor. But that didn't happen for a while. It eventually reached a point where she had more girls nights (1 or 2 a week) than I had guys nights (still 1 or 2 a month). Since she continued with her way, I eventually began to do the same. Fine, if you're going to nag and not let me enjoy my nights, then I'm going to nag and not let you enjoy yours. We would eventually have an argument about this where I would explain to her exactly like I explained here. When I would do that, she would deny that she goes out more than me, so I will provide her with specific dates of her nights and mine. At this point she will say "well it's different, when I go out, you always find something to do around the house". I'll respond to this by saying "it's not fair to look at it that way, wether I find something to keep myself entertained or not is irrelevant, I'm talking about time out with friends, just like I leave you to have yours, I expect you to leave me to have mine" "sometimes you go out, and I am at home alone bored as well". You see what's happening here, I'm clearly comparing apples to apples, but she insists it's apples to oranges. I continue to provide further facts and evidence to support my argument to which she eventually gives a sarcastic "fine! you're right, I'm sorry! happy now?! does that make you feel better?! Now can we just leave it and agree to disagree?"

2. We go on a shopping trip, I take her and put up with the kids crap from store, to store to store. I don't get bored or frustrated, quite the opposite, I encourage her to buy stuff she thinks is too expensive, she tries stuff on, and I give her my feedback and other stuff to try, etc. Now finally, after all this, I make a stop at best buy. Before the stop, she is already complaining, about how unnecessary it is. 10 minutes into the stop, her nagging to leave, becomes unbearable. This infuriates me because, similar to issue 1, I am not getting the same treatment. I put up with store after store after store for her, and she doesn't feel I deserve to enjoy my very few stops. This makes me feel really unappreciated. I express this, in words, to which I get the same apples to oranges response "this is different, I am completely uninterested in electronics, but clothes is something mutual". Really!!!! You think I enjoy looking at purses, dresses, and shoes all day long? I try to explain to her, that certain things are interesting to her and not me, certain things are interesting to me and not her. Just like I put up with places I don't enjoy for you, I expect the same for at least 1 of my places that you don't enjoy.

3. She used to claim I spend too much time on the computer, my cell phone, tinkering with gadgets, etc. I did, and I minimized it and pretty much limited it to when she is not around or sleeping. However now, the table is reversed, she spends way too much time on whatsapp, facebook, etc. More than I ever used to. When I confront her with this, she completely denies it and says I still do it way more than her. My mind is boggled at this point. I think to myself, does she really believe what she is saying? or is she just flat out lying to win the argument? I'll actually share these thoughts with her, and it'll escalate. Her getting angry with my persistence to prove my point (using calm conversation), and me getting frustrated with her completely illogical responses which are far from reality (now my tone changes too, and it escalates). We eventually calm down, change the topic and move on. But inside of me resent is building up.

So, as you can see from the 3 examples above. The problem is not shopping, time out with friends, or on gadgets. My issue is the constant 1 way mentality, hypocrisy, and complete lack of logic.

I'm a fair person, I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. To me it's not about winning or losing an argument, but about understanding each other and being fair to each other.

Now back to the silent treatment. After several attempts to communication, several arguments, etc. Our last conversation ended with me explaining to her exactly what my problem is, and what I expect. I told her that until you are ready to have a logical conversation, admit you are wrong (as I do when I am), and apologize for your lack of appreciation for the way I treat you, I am not talking to you or even sleeping in the same bed as you, and possibly not the same house.

I realize, I've reverted to the worst form of conflict (silent treatment, and ultimatum). My intention of this really, is to give her a feel of what it will be like to live without me, because, I am almost at the point where I've had enough. My hope is she will come to her senses and give in, at which point we can have a down to earth conversation with ends up with an agreement. But I feel I've instigated her stubbornness with the ultimatum and silent treatment. It is now day three, and I wonder if I should take it for as long as I have to till she either breaks down and realizes what she's done, or we both realize that we don't belong together. I still love her with all my heart, and truly believe she feels the same way. But I cannot let this cycle go on. I feel if I say hey, sorry for the silent treatment, let's talk... we'll just start the cycle all over again.

So I'm asking "what should I do". I'm pretty sure the answer is going to be... drop the silent treatment and talk, express your feelings, etc....
Fine, I would love to do that, but that hasn't worked, so now what? Split up, get divorced? I'm pretty sure neither of us really want that either. My question is how do I get through to her? How do I get her to admit she's been selfish, one-sided, and a hypocrite without sounding condescending to her (those are all negative, but true things)? How do I tell her the gravity of resent this is causing and that it is almost reaching a point where I cannot live with someone that is like that. It doesn't seem like a big enough reason to split up, but at the same time, it's a big enough issue that I can't put up with. Also, while I said I don't care about 'winning' or 'losing' an argument.... I kind of want to win this one, cause I feel I deserve to this time.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, drop the silent treatment. But do insist on marriage counselling. If she refuses counselling, then divorce may be the only option for you.

Was she like this before you married her?

[benraw]

I think she has been always like this, but it never really bothered me as much. I guess over 10 years events add up, along with resent.

[Starnique]

I also have given the silent treatment for feeling unappreciated and whatnot but that's not the way to go if you want a healthy relationship. I'm a very blunt and honest person and if I have a problem, its no secret. I need someone to be like that with me and it really helps. Silent treatment gets a person no where with me. Clear and honest communication is key. Talk to her and be straight forward about how you feel. Silent treatment solves nothing and if so, just for a short period of time. If you talk to the person, they know how you feel and know they need to change and if they care, things will change and you'll have a good relationship.

[rest77]

She is actually a stubborn person. These are the little things that leads to separation, then divorce. Sometimes almost all of us do ingnore these little red flags at the beginning of dating because of love or being the perfect match, but like you said after some years, you just can't put up with it any more. Because you are human and not a robbot, you will eventually get tired and say this is enough!

Like, basilandthyme said, drop the silent treatment. Mind you, am not sayng that you should apologize again to her, NO, NO (Its never going to help, but rather give her the upper-hand). Insist on a marriage counselling and see her responce......if she start defending herself and saying you are the problem. You might need to learn how to pray OR take a break from the relationship...

[LittleMadam]

I find her behaviour very nasty, and controlling.
I wouldnt suggest counselling, as im sure she would manage to flip it all to you being the problem and talking about all of 'your' issues.

You are equal and both should be treat as such and that clearly isnt happening. It is one rule for her and another for you.

I would suggest actually taking a break from this relationship, rather than the silent treatment.
She doesnt see you as an equal, and unfortunately i very much you ever will get logic out of her. It seems to be her way or the highway.

[rest77]

I find her behaviour very nasty, and controlling. It seems to be her way or the highway.

This is also true.