Is surprise visit a good idea?

[stannisjon]

Hi,
I booked a ticket last week and flying to NY to see my ex, it will be a 20 hours flight and I will stay there only three days just for dong this conversation, should I surprise her with my visit and just pop up, or call her in advance and ask an appointment. I feel so uncertain about all this thing, what you think? Is it a good idea at all?

P.s. I have no intention to get back together with her. It just something my self esteem doesn't allow, I just want to change this unfair end and make it something satisfies me.

Thanks,

[searock]

that email was a total crap, contains all the classical excuses for a break-up, " need space, not sure about my future, not sure about I can give what you want, we better limit the communication for time being ..."

Those aren't "excuses", those are explanations. She was explaining why she wanted to break up with you.

No, I don't think you should go for a surprise visit. It would change nothing, it would just be very awkward for both of you, and painful, especially for you. Just move on. She probably tried talking to you about her uncertainty about the relationship long before she sent that email, you just didn't want to accept it. Think, there must have been signals before that email.

You are both very young, this happens all the time. Relationships that start so young rarely work out, people change too much at your age. Start moving on, block her number and email, go completely no contact. You'll be fine as long as you let go of her.

[stannisjon]

Those aren't "excuses", those are explanations. She was explaining why she wanted to break up with you.

No, I don't think you should go for a surprise visit. It would change nothing, it would just be very awkward for both of you, and painful, especially for you. Just move on. She probably tried talking to you about her uncertainty about the relationship long before she sent that email, you just didn't want to accept it. Think, there must have been signals before that email.

You are both very young, this happens all the time. Relationships that start so young rarely work out, people change too much at your age. Start moving on, block her number and email, go completely no contact. You'll be fine as long as you let go of her.

Yeah I doubt that those were explanations. May be I can't understand the point of view a girl but when someone tells you that she loves you a lot, I believe it means something and naturally I feel shocked receiving an email just three days after this message. These explanations should not occur in these three days, but nonetheless it doesn't matter whether these explanations are real or not, I passed that point, I just want to understand why she just didn't break up in a decent and human way, seeing her might be painful for me that's true but I already had a great amount of pain and just don't want to leave the things unsettled.

I feel like crashed by a hit and run driver and just want to face her, just want to express her what she did to me no matter she cares not not anymore. I want to close this chapter in a way which is not unfair to me.

I don't know if I am being so selfish, obsessed or full of anger with wanting this, but deep inside I feel I will be able to move on after on last face to face conversation, I don't want to fight her, make a scene or anything just want to have one last civilized conversation. Is it too much ask?

[searock]

It's just a silly thing to do, since it will achieve absolutely nothing. It will just be awkward and painful, as I said. You'll end up making a scene and leaving with no more than you came with. She doesn't want to be with you, that is all you need to know. She doesn't see a future with you, isn't happy with you, etc. Those aren't excuses, those are the reasons why she broke up with you. It doesn't mean that she didn't/doesn't care for you or love you as a person, it just means that she isn't in love with you and doesn't love you romantically. You need to accept it and move on - going to meet her is literally one of the worst things you could possibly do to yourself right now.

[stannisjon]

It's just a silly thing to do, since it will achieve absolutely nothing. It will just be awkward and painful, as I said. You'll end up making a scene and leaving with no more than you came with. She doesn't want to be with you, that is all you need to know. She doesn't see a future with you, isn't happy with you, etc. Those aren't excuses, those are the reasons why she broke up with you. It doesn't mean that she didn't/doesn't care for you or love you as a person, it just means that she isn't in love with you and doesn't love you romantically. You need to accept it and move on - going to meet her is literally one of the worst things you could possibly do to yourself right now.

Maybe you are right, but I think I am gonna do it anyways, if I won't I will regret rest of my life but after the visit I will share here the consequences, thanks for replying.

[basilandthyme]

Agree with Searock. They are all valid reasons for her wanting to end things. You may not agree with them - and this is your prerogative, but that doesn't mean it's not true for her.

You flying over there to surprise her will only make you look like crazy stalker ex.

[stannisjon]

Agree with Searock. They are all valid reasons for her wanting to end things. You may not agree with them - and this is your prerogative, but that doesn't mean it's not true for her.

You flying over there to surprise her will only make you look like crazy stalker ex.

But it seems like I can't make my point, my reaction is not to the breaking up's itself, but to the way she did it. Even if she did tell me she doesn't love me anymore and she loves someone else, I would still suffer again but would accept it and tired to forget and move on.

I can't accept being treated like that, dumped like a one night stand partner after 4 years of relationship. Am I too old fashioned with thinking this inhuman as it can be?

[searock]

As I said, she probably tried talking to you many times before that email, you just refused to really listen.

Either way, it doesn't matter now. It's over, you need to move on. By going there you are just prolonging your own agony.

[LittleMadam]

You have made your point. You just arent listening.
She has given you perfectly reasonable explanations as to why she no longer wants to continue this relationship.

You have said her explanations are crap. Which in my eyes, is a terrible thing to say.
You have your points, and she has hers. Why arent hers acceptable to you?

I am afraid that you seem a bit like my ex. I have a non molestation order against him.

My views, and reasons for ending our 4 year relationship were crap too, according to him.

He forgot all the talks i tried having with him about his unneccessary anger, jealousy, possesiveness and put downs.
Apparently i ended it out of nowhere too.

[stannisjon]

You have made your point. You just arent listening.
She has given you perfectly reasonable explanations as to why she no longer wants to continue this relationship.

You have said her explanations are crap. Which in my eyes, is a terrible thing to say.
You have your points, and she has hers. Why arent hers acceptable to you?

I am afraid that you seem a bit like my ex. I have a non molestation order against him.

My views, and reasons for ending our 4 year relationship were crap too, according to him.

He forgot all the talks i tried having with him about his unneccessary anger, jealousy, possesiveness and put downs.
Apparently i ended it out of nowhere too.

I would never molest her unlike your ex, and I never disturbed her during these 7 months except one drunk facebook massage which was not abusive at all.

Her explanations were accurate or not this is not the problem, for some reason you assume that my ex tried to explain me her feelings before but I didn't understand, but this is not correct, she never explained anything to me, she apologized for sending the email to me and making her decision so abruptly.

As I said before, just sending an email after 4 years out of blue make feel so cheated, angry, frustrated. I can't stop feeling like been back stabbed, have you ever had this feeling that someone did sth so unfair to you and the person who did it just easily get away with it? To me she is like a hit and run driver, she chose the easiest way for herself in expense of my suffrage and ruining my hearth. The selfishness in this behavior just makes me feel sick, this why I am planning this stupid visit.

She has all the freedom to leave, break up, move on.... I can't stop this but I believe I deserved to be treated as a human being, a decent break up talk after spending 4 years of my life with her.

[searock]

Oh come on, what difference would it have really made if she had told you in person? Those very same exact things, except in person? Nothing would be different, you would still be angry and upset, etc. She told you via email because you were away, that's all. Just let it go, pal, the sooner the better (for you!).

[stannisjon]

Oh come on, what difference would it have really made if she had told you in person? Those very same exact things, except in person? Nothing would be different, you would still be angry and upset, etc. She told you via email because you were away, that's all. Just let it go, pal, the sooner the better (for you!).

I know you right I promise I ll move on but I have to tell you this there is a huge difference between in person talk and an email for me, the reason is may be I still not adjusted myself to the 21th century's materialist and egocentric manner. I am not gonna surprise her though, just gonna text her and ask for having a coffee together though, I am convinced at least this much.