Time to call it quits...?

[Indestructible]

As a 25 year old guy who's never been able to have any kind of "love life" (never been in a relationship or done anything with a girl), I find myself wondering how much longer I can keep holding out hope. I'm in a bit of a jam...

See, a couple of years ago, I actually met who I firmly believe was the best possible match for me in a partner. She had her flaws, yes, but all the good qualities she had absolutely outweighed them, in my eyes. Of course, she wasn't attracted to me, and nothing ever happened, and I've been stuck on her ever since.

I just... can't wrap my head around "dating", after being attracted to her. I never feel that kind of connection with and attraction to someone. Most girls I meet are just "okay", to me. I'm sure there are girls I could date, I think I've encountered at least a couple, heck, I think there's a girl I know from school right now that has a little thing for me. But I just have no desire to date girls that I only see as "okay". I don't want to "learn to love" someone that's only "okay". Now that I saw "the best", that's what I want -- "the best".

I realize the issues that kind of mentality creates, and for that reason, I wish I had never met that girl I was actually attracted to, because she's kind of "ruined" women for me. All I want, now, is her (or someone exactly like her). She was "the best" for me.

The fact that I'm already 25 and have only ever felt this way about one girl I've met (and I didn't even get to date her) is pretty depressing to me. Deep down, I've always been "hanging on by a thread", holding out hope that there's someone amazing out there for me. But I can feel that thread about to snap, I can feel the tiny little flame of hope deep down inside me about to be extinguished, and that makes me sad, because I don't WANT to "give up", but I just can't "believe" anymore.

[Wakeup]

She's "ruined women for you?" Well then you're better off not having any then aren't you?

Just go through life not thinking about anyone else but the girl you never had. You'll be fine.

[Indestructible]

She's "ruined women for you?" Well then you're better off not having any then aren't you?

Just go through life not thinking about anyone else but the girl you never had. You'll be fine.

Well, it's not like I'm happy about it... I just can't figure out how to "undo" it.

[Smila]

Err...actually date someone else for a start.....
THAT IS THE ONLY SOLUTION

[Wakeup]

Well, it's not like I'm happy about it... I just can't figure out how to "undo" it.

Why do you need to?

[Indestructible]

Why do you need to?

Look, I know you're being facetious about this. Again, I'm not posting any of this because I'm proud of myself for being in this situation. I'm lonely. I would like to have a fulfilling "love life". But at the same time, I can't get myself off of the idea of finding a girl that has the kinds of qualities the last girl I like had, and most girls I come across simply don't have enough of the qualities I find desirable.

[TheEvilJester]

My experience has been a little different from you. I see value in a lot of opportunities. So, to me, any girl could very possibly be "the one" if I ever got a chance to actually get to know her better. (Mind you, I'm not saying I actually think every girl I see is "the one." LOL! Just saying that you never know where/when you may find her.) My problem has been being too shy to do anything about it. I am starting to work on that, but it has been a lifetime struggle.

Even though my story is slightly different, I definitely know how you feel. That feeling of your hope being held on by a small thread. That feeling that the thread can't bear much more. The feeling that perhaps you may want to just cut that thread yourself and be done with it.

I wish I could say it is an easy problem, and it will just magically fade away. The unfortunate truth is that it is something of a struggle. The good news is, there are things you can personally do about it. One of those is to start dating other women. Give other women a chance. I mean, in all honesty, how will you know if none of them could possibly be just as much what you want, if not even more, than that girl if you don't try? If you try, eventually you will find somebody who will make you happy, and she will be into you as well. I know it often doesn't seem that way when hope seems lost. I know this is very easy to say, and yet very hard to do, but you must never lose hope.

Take it from me. I know how hard that can be. I struggle with it myself. Quite frankly, I am pretty messed up. LOL! Even when I have all the reasons in the world to be happy, I just get paranoid that it is all going to blow up in my face, so I wind up making myself miserable. I've learned that about myself and am learning to shut up the little devil on my shoulder and listen to the little angel on the other shoulder instead. But, it is a struggle.

Good luck my friend. I hope some day soon you find what you are looking for in a soulmate.

[Indestructible]

Let me ask this... What makes guy A want to ask out girl B but not girl C? Whatever THAT is, mine is "out of whack", or something, and always has been, really. As much as I want to have a "love life", I just never have the desire to pursue the women I meet and interact with on a regular basis. Even the ones that actually seem to have some kind of interest in me. As this topic would indicate, it's extremely rare for me to find a girl I have any desire to pursue.

I can't get myself into the idea of just dating random women that I don't feel "something" for. That just never seemed very exciting, interesting, or "fun" to me. I'd rather go on a date with a girl who I know I have a basic enough connection with to have at least a decent time. But just going on dates with random girls, hoping that one might be someone I can learn to like? Eh... Just seems really "dreary" to me.

And it's not about being unwilling to "do the work"; I'm perfectly willing to put in work for something that I perceive some value to, but I simply don't perceive value in dating random girls that are "okay" (but "might turn out to be pretty cool later on"). I can already see that most of those efforts would either not produce a relationship for me, that she'd lose interest in me due to a bad first impression, and/ or that I'd end up having to reject her, myself.

On a separate level, I don't ever want to be in a position where I have to do the rejecting. Having been rejected so many times in my life, I know what that feels like, and I just don't want to have to do that to another person. But if I go on dates with girls I'm not that crazy about, chances are, I'm going to have to do a lot of that.

Even if I'm not attracted to a girl, I simply don't have the heart to blow her off, tell her I don't want to continue seeing her, or especially break up with someone. In fact, one major concern I have with this type of dating is that I'll feel such a strong obligation to continue seeing a girl I don't like, if it appears she likes me. I won't want to let her down or break her heart, even if I'm not into her, so I'll allow myself to settle into a habit-driven "relationship" with some girl I don't even really like, just because I don't have it in me to reject another person.

I'm not trying to "justify" my issues, I'm just trying my best to properly explain them. I know they are, well, issues, but I simply don't know how to "undo" the way I see all of this stuff. I'd have to very dramatically change the way I look at all of this stuff; I have a hard enough time breaking a single little bad habit, let alone changing my entire mindset and viewpoint on a major life topic.

[TheEvilJester]

Bad habbits are hard to break, my friend. I definitely feel your pain there. Me, I kind of have the opposite problem in this regard from what you have. I am constantly wanting to get to know women better in hopes that we may make a deeper connection. Again, not that I expect to be making deep connections with every woman in the world, but often times I find myself noticing a girl I friend attractive and wishing I could get to know her better in hopes that maybe there could be a connection. For me, I've just been too shy to ever go about doing anything about it.

Similarly to you, I guess part of that is because simply dating random women is not my style. I'm not the type of guy to just go up to women I don't even know completely cold and start talking to them, or even ask them out. Something about it just doesn't feel right to me.

Anyway, as for your issue, have you ever tried making friends with some women instead? In other words, don't ask them out, don't do anything that implies a desire to date them, simply just start as friends. That is one way to get to know a gal better without necessarily giving her any expectations you may fear you cannot live up to in the future.

By starting as friends, there is no pressure for a relationship, and you can get to know a woman a little better just as you likely would in dating them. That may be one way to potentially discover a girl with whom you could grow a deep connection, without having to worry you are unintentionally hurting a bunch of other women in the process. Personally, I would want my future girlfriend/fiance/wife (hypothetical, though she may be) to be my best friend in the whole world. So, I'd be more than happy to start as friends and then grow into something more.

Anyway, just a thought. Have you ever tried that?

[Wakeup]

Look, I know you're being facetious about this. Again, I'm not posting any of this because I'm proud of myself for being in this situation. I'm lonely. I would like to have a fulfilling "love life". But at the same time, I can't get myself off of the idea of finding a girl that has the kinds of qualities the last girl I like had, and most girls I come across simply don't have enough of the qualities I find desirable.

Maybe re-reading all your other posts about this will help?

[Indestructible]

Anyway, as for your issue, have you ever tried making friends with some women instead? In other words, don't ask them out, don't do anything that implies a desire to date them, simply just start as friends. That is one way to get to know a gal better without necessarily giving her any expectations you may fear you cannot live up to in the future.

By starting as friends, there is no pressure for a relationship, and you can get to know a woman a little better just as you likely would in dating them. That may be one way to potentially discover a girl with whom you could grow a deep connection, without having to worry you are unintentionally hurting a bunch of other women in the process. Personally, I would want my future girlfriend/fiance/wife (hypothetical, though she may be) to be my best friend in the whole world. So, I'd be more than happy to start as friends and then grow into something more.

Anyway, just a thought. Have you ever tried that?

Well, yeah, I mean, that's pretty much what I want. I really can't do the whole "cold approach" thing, not because I'm scared, but because I simply have no desire to approach random women that don't have any immediate appeal to me. I'm not so good at actually initiating a friendship (though not for a lack of trying...), but I generally try to be nice and friendly to everyone I come in contact with, and open-minded about establishing friendships. Even then, though, on the occasion that I actually do establish some kind of friendship with a girl, I typically don't develop any kind of "romantic" attraction to her.

I dunno. I guess one could argue that I'm extremely picky about certain qualities, but it's not something I do on purpose. I just... enjoy people that have certain qualities more than I enjoy others, and the more I enjoy someone's company, the more likely I am to be attracted to them and want to date them. But that doesn't happen very often at all, whether I befriend girls first or try to consider random strangers.

Maybe re-reading all your other posts about this will help?

Uh... not really?

[Caldray]

If you're worried about being 25 and already wanting to call it quits, well I'm in my late thirties and in the same boat. Dont quit, you're very young. Imagine being 65. 25 is very young.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, it sounds, then, like maybe you just have a very specific picture in your head of what you want. That could be good or bad. It could be good because maybe it will help you to better find who you truly want in life rather than wasting a lot of time with other women who will just wind up being a disappointment.

It could be bad, because it could be that you are unintentionally being overly picky, and missing out on potential opportunities to find somebody who could be the real thing. I suppose it might help to kind of examine yourself, and your preferences. Maybe think long and hard about what has caused you not to be interested in certain girls and try to determine if they are things that really should be a deal breaker. It definitely does sound like a bit of a pickle, though. I mean, if you've connected with women as friends all the time and just cannot seem to find any that interest you, then I'm not really sure how you'd get around that.

Like I said, I sort of have the opposite problem. LOL! If I find a girl attractive, and know her enough to know we at least seem to get along, I tend to always wish to get to know her better in the off chance that there could be a deeper connection. Trust me, I don't think you'd be any better off trading places with me. It sucks just as much, especially when paired with the fact that I am so ridiculously shy.

[Indestructible]

Maybe think long and hard about what has caused you not to be interested in certain girls and try to determine if they are things that really should be a deal breaker. It definitely does sound like a bit of a pickle, though. I mean, if you've connected with women as friends all the time and just cannot seem to find any that interest you, then I'm not really sure how you'd get around that.

Yeah... I mean, let me put it this way; while I obviously have an idea of my best possible match, I don't sit there running through some big giant checklist every time I meet a new girl. We just either "click" that way, or we don't, and most often, we don't. I don't actively "judge" girls, or anything like that, I just "go with the flow", and allow connections to develop naturally, but they just never really do. Most women I encounter are perfectly pleasant people, but I just never feel any kind of urge to pursue them as a love interest, because I don't feel any kind of connection with them.

[Sunnybeach7]

You are not helping yourself in thinking this way. Date other girls.. try that one you think has a thing for you. You don't know these girls, how can you consider them just "ok"? Unless you are basing everything on looks?

You really need to spend time with someone to get to know them. I can tell you that the guy I have now, when we became friends, I thought he was "ok". I didn't think about him much. I was actually in love with someone else. We were friends for about two years before we really started to get to know each other WELL. He is absolutely wonderful, and I always think, if I'd just got to know him better sooner.

You won't really know if someone is "Ok", "good", or "bad" until you spend some time with them really getting to know them. I can about guarantee you that you can find someone else that will surpass the things you felt in that other girl.. but you have to give people a chance and get to know them good. Give a few girls two dates.. if they haven't spiked your interest at least some by then.. there's no law that says you have to see them again.

But your sitting and waiting for what will obviously not happen with this one girl is a sure way to unhappiness.