Jealous, Insecure, anxious - Husband Female "Best friend" What would you do?

[Nora8]

I apologize in advance if this is quite long.
I really need to get other people opinion on this in order to know that I am not crazy or overeacting to this.
Before even I start I need to tell you I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE!
So here it goes,
I have been dating my husband for the past 7 years and we decided to get married 2 months ago.
Before we got married we were in a long distance relationship for a while, we had our ups and downs. Somewhere along the way I think 4 years ago he met this girls through his brother and since then they became very good friends. He used to talk to me about her and he would show me some nice stuffs she says about our couple so I was not worried there. This friendship went on and every now and then I would hear him talking about her. She lives in another city too so I knew they mostly talk through the phone.
However for the past two years I noticed that something has changed and he stopped talking about her. I did not ask but my gut feelings told me there was something fishy there. I asked him and he said they had a fight , just difference in opinions and they did not talk for months, he also told me it is not like before and they are no longer close. I was a bit relieved because to be honest with you I was feeling he was starting to be emotionally attached to this girl.
So few months before we got married I moved in to his city with him. Then the real struggle started. I saw so many red flags. He found out he was still talking to this girl all day and everyday about all there is to know in his life. I found out that he met her and hung out with her many times without telling me. They even had plans to invest in a house together without even my consent. We got married and I decide to keep observing and take my time to judge if there is really something to worry about. I checked their conversations daily (don't judge me for checking him please!!!) and I was not mentionned anywhere in it. I found out that this girl knew stuffs he didnt even tell me. I one day asked him to give me his bank d�tails so I can transfer some money in his account and use his card and he had to ask her to find it for him because he didn't know where it was. She sends him recipes and askes him if he can cook that for her. She even asked him once if it was him who shipped her a present with the mention that " he can be random sometimes..."All this was too much for me to take in especially during my first month of mariage.
I decided to confront him about it... needless to say that he had already noticed my anxiety and he was just waiting for me to talk to him... He said that this girl is his best friend and she is like a sister to him. I asked him why all the secrets about their friendship now and he said he did not want to worry me as there is nothing there to worry about and he knew I would stress over this and make it a big deal and it is not. I told him how it made me feel and he said he will fix it. While talking to him I also found out that this girl doesn't even know that we are married...he said they were not in good terms then so he didn't tell her. However I know they were texting even on the day of our wedding but he somehow did not judge necessary to say "Hey by the way I am getting married today...". I then told him if he is just friends with this girl then I should be included in this friendship so I asked him to call her and introduce me which he did the next day. He said he values our marriage and he will fix his friendship with this girl in a way that it does not bother me.However I am still not OK with their friendship period. I have never met this girl and now he is not talking about her anymore but I know they are still in touch. I feel like he is just hiding it from me. What would you do? Am I overeacting?

[Wakeup]

I really wonder about this: If you're this scared about her and him and their "friendship" why did you marry him before you got it settled where all three of you were friends and there was none of this behind the scenes interaction going on? Or better yet, he stopped his emotional affair with her altogether before you'd marry him.

Have you told your husband that his interaction with her is inappropriate for a married man and that you don't like it. That what he does with her is making you uncomfortable since he interacts with her inappropriately for a man that has a wife? He had to ash HER about where his bank/card was? That's absurd that she would have that kind of knowledge.

You asked him why all the secrecy and all he said is he didn't want to worry you... well that tells you right there that he realizes that what he's doing with her would be construed to be inappropriate so why didn't you ask him to stop this inappropriateness and if he wouldn't or if he told you he would and then continued on behind your back then you know where he values you and you could leave knowing it is the best thing for you to do.

Did you ask him How he "will fix the friendship in a way that is does not bother you." Just what could he change that would be acceptable to you? By all accounts he's been having an emotional affair with her that he won't give up. Its up to you to either learn to accept their relationship or have the ballzzz to tell him that its unacceptable to you and the inappropriate constant interaction in such a personal level is unacceptable behaviour for a married man. If he values you and your marriage, he'll listen. If he doesn't listen, you'll find out. Up to you what you do with that information.

BTW: Was your marriage an arranged one? I ask because I'm having a hard time understanding why you would marry him when you knew for the last four years that there was another woman in his life but you went ahead and married him anyway just to be "Jealous, Insecure, anxious -" in that role.

Was this a long distance relationship for the full 7 years you two were supposed bf/gf?

Have you ever asked your husband how he would adjust to you having a male friend in the capacity that he has her? Would he like for you to have such a male friend?

[CrasherRob8]

"They even had plans to invest in a house together without even my consent."

That right there is a gigantic red flag. Someone who you call your bf and eventually marry wouldn't do that. Investing in a house is a huge financial decision and if he truly valued you, he wouldn't have considered that. Sounds to me like he more involved and attached with her than he is letting you believe.

You have to decide whether you want to continue with this man or not. You already stated that you do not want a divorce so therefore you accept him for who he is. Most likely he will continue this behavior but behind your back. Also you said that you needed his bank details and he had to ask here where it was?

Honestly, sounds like she is more his wife than you are.

[Nora8]

No it was not an arranged married. And again I had no issue with their friendship for over a year as I was included in it. He use to tell me about her and he would show me texts they send each other. I have nothing against opposite sex platonnic friendship and I believe it can be healthy sometimes. I saw all these détails I mentionned above during our honeymoon after she once sent him a text while I had his phone. This pushed me to read all their texts for the past 6 months.
When I asked how he would fix the friendship he said he would talk to her less, he would not share info with her that he is only supposed to share with me and he will make sure it does not cross any boundaries.
We dated for 4 years in the same city then I had to move away to pursue my MBA so we decided to stay togheter and when I graduated he proposed but I continued living in my college town as I had started a good job there and he is consultant so he can always fly there for the week-ends.
Thank you very much for your support and advice.

[Wakeup]

No it was not an arranged married. And again I had no issue with their friendship for over a year as I was included in it. He use to tell me about her and he would show me texts they send each other. I have nothing against opposite sex platonnic friendship and I believe it can be healthy sometimes.

So: If you find it quite fine to have opposite sex friends, you see it as "healthy" at times then if he stops "sharing info with her" and he does not cross any boundaries (you best spell it out to him what boundaries you don't want him crossing so there is no ambiguity there ) then you should be just fine with his "friendship" with her and there is no need for you to be Jealous, Insecure or anxious ... Right? Why are you still all those things to the point that you needed to start a thread about it if you're Okay with him having a woman friend? Has he promised you but he's still doing with her everything he's always done? If that's not the case then you should be quite happy with what he's promised you if he's actually done what he's said he'll do. After all, you find it okay to have opposite sex friends, you find it quite healthy even.

[TheEvilJester]

I think others have added good advice, so I don't have much to add. However, I would actually like to follow this thread, as I am somewhat interested in the general thoughts of what people do consider crossing the line in a situation like this. Because I have some female friends who mean a great deal to me, but some time soon I would like to start getting back out in the dating world in hopes of finding a new girlfriend and eventually my true soulmate. So, I would actually benefit from learning how to have female friends in a way that would not make my hopeful future lady uncomfortable.

[WatchmansMoon]

There's an article that includes a "Quick Infidelity Quiz". Red flags include:

Avoids eye contact with you.
Talks continually about the unknowns of the future.
Shows an increased disinterest in the topic of sex.
Makes excuses for not spending time alone with you.
Acts unusually guilty when you do something nice for him/her.
Quits complimenting you on your physical attractiveness.
Stops saying, "I love you" and even acts rudely to you.
Starts buying you gifts to ease his or her guilt.

Hugs and best of luck to you!

[Wakeup]

I think others have added good advice, so I don't have much to add. However, I would actually like to follow this thread, as I am somewhat interested in the general thoughts of what people do consider crossing the line in a situation like this. Because I have some female friends who mean a great deal to me, but some time soon I would like to start getting back out in the dating world in hopes of finding a new girlfriend and eventually my true soulmate. So, I would actually benefit from learning how to have female friends in a way that would not make my hopeful future lady uncomfortable.

First boundary that should be in place is not going on one-on-one date like activities with your "friend."

Second boundary that should be in place is to make your lady a mutual friend so that there is no hidden friendship where you go on "dates" that are disguised as "hanging out."

Third boundary: You don't text or phone or email your friend ad nauseam and while practically ignoring your partner while doing so.

Those are fundamental relationship boundaries that ALL couples should have in place when it comes to opposite sex friendships and those boundaries should be very well accepted by your friend. If she/he is complaining then they are no "friend." A real friend will gladly take a lesser role when you are in a romantic relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks, Wakeup. I appreciate the help. I do have a few female friends who mean a great deal to me, including a recent friend with whom I am hoping to become closer friends. So, down the road, if and when I do get a new girlfriend, this kind of advice is very helpful to me. I wouldn't want to have to ditch any of my friends, female or otherwise. My friends are very important to me, and that includes those that happen to be female. Some of my female friends are a rare bread in this world anymore, actual decent people and really good/supportive friends. So, I wouldn't want to lose them completely. Yet, at the same time, if and when I have a relationship that could possibly become the real thing, I don't want to do anything that could possibly make that hypothetical gal uncomfortable, or possibly hinder what we could have had.

Also, my intention was not to hijack this thread. LOL! But, I think the advice you offered, as well as any others may offer is actually relevant to the original topic and helpful to the OP and any others reading this anyway.