Ended with a GREAT girl on Valentines Day. Was I wrong?

[dk1ace]

I don't want to get too detailed but will list some factors to know:

I tried to avoid this being such an essay. Anyone who took time to read this I appreciate you so much.

-I've been single for almost 10 years (few years away from 30).
-I'm very attractive and in shape.
-I strive to be a better person everyday (meditation, self-improvement, healthy eating lifestyle)
-I know I'm picky and won't jump into anything quickly (obviously being single for so long)
-I consider myself an entrepreneur as I don't have a regular 9-5. I work a job with a flexible schedule to help pursue my career goals

Being an entrepreneur I consider myself a risk-taker. You risk not getting a "regular, secure job" in order to build something. The risk you take it because you know if/when you get to that goal it'll be so worth it.

I feel that way with woman. I have an "ideal" girl in mind. The "one" I want to spend my life with. I risk not jumping into a relationship with just any nice girl because I feel if I keep dating and meeting different woman, there's a chance I will meet her eventually. And all these years alone was worth it because it brought me to her.

This all comes into play in my decision at the end....

This girl at my job has been after me for some time. We've known each other for about over a year. I finally decided to give her a chance and go out on a date with her 5 months ago. I'm against dating in my work place so I was very hesitant. But she's cool and I was attracted to her so I went with it.

Enjoyed the time I spent with her so we decided to continue hanging out. She always told me how amazing she thought I was. So from the get I already knew she was really into me.

First date I told her that I am not looking for anything serious and that I am very private. I don't like my business out there especially at the job. This was all to let her know FROM THE START that I will not jump into anything soon. She responded and told me I was looking too much into it. That we both like each other and should just go with it. She made me feel like a moron (in a nice way) as if saying "relax, it's not that serious. Lets just hang out"

Cut to the chase. 4 months go by and we have been seeing each other at least once a week (outside of the job) and were having sex. A few times here and there we would have disagreements and I would constantly bring up that I feel she's getting mad because she's getting attached and I need to know if JUST dating was what she really wanted. She would get mad and say "Yes I'm not looking for anything neither. I just really like spending time with you. Don't you get it?"

I believed her. One day 3 months ago we had a big argument. Something told me to just end it. End her pain. Woke up the next morning at her place and told her lets stop. She was caught off guard and said she was sorry and doesn't know why I'm "punking" out. I saw she was about to cry and I left.
I FELT HORRIBLE THE WHOLE DAY.

I cried a few times. Felt maybe I shouldn't have done that. She's a GREAT person. She makes me feel so good and special. I felt I ended it wrong and was going to miss out on some good times ahead of us. We sat back down the next night and I asked her if she's SURE we can continue just dating. She said yes but that now she needs to know if I see a possibility that we could end up together in the future. I told her after how bad I felt that yes there could be a POSSIBILITY. This is where I felt we lied to ourselves.

Since then. Three months have passed. Maybe one argument. But all good times. This past V-day I made dinner plans with her and it was the best date I ever had with a girl. So much fun. We were all lovey dovey.

Get back to her place ready to watch movies the whole night and I see it on her face she's emotional. She then asks "Ok, what are we doing? Where is this going?"

That's when I told her "I don't know". I really didn't. I'm not sure if I can jump into it with her right now. She took it as a no. It was hard. The whole night she cried. I cried. We argued and hugged. I never cried for a girl like that. I felt so bad the way I made her feel. She said to help her get closure she needs to know WHY I don't think I can see myself with her. This was going to be tough. Because I don't want to tell her and make it seem like flaws..

My Problem: Going back to my "ideal" girl. I need to be head over heels for my girl. While I was dating this girl I would see other beautiful ladies and say "wow, I want my girl-the one-to make me feel like that everytime I look at her". Don't get me wrong, this girl i was dating was very pretty. And a lot of guys liked her. I found out some people were even jealous that she was dating me. But I'm not 100% head over heels for her. This was always in my gut feeling that down the line it would be a problem.

I also mentioned that I always strive to be a better person. I stay active and in shape. She doesn't. I follow a lot of trainers on social media and they shout out other female trainers who work out. I look on their profile and I see how in shape they are and talk about living healthy. While looking at this I tell myself "i would love to have a girl with that same mindset".

So this was the main factor. And also we have two completely different ethnic backgrounds. Even tho I don't discriminate and am open to all types, I feel strong about my Latin culture. She's Jewish. And I liked the fact that we were learning from each other. But that was in the back of my head too.

So the night of Valentines started fantastic and ended a disaster. I've been beating myself up. This girl admired the hell out of me and thought I was so amazing. I loved that. She said she knows she could make me happy. What guy doesn't want that from a girl?? Am I crazy or am I right that I went with my inner gut telling me that all these things that bothered me would eventually catch up and hurt me if I decide to get serious with her.

-I work hard everyday to improve my health and to have a better body. I would like that in a girl also. She's not about that. And it's ok because she's still a great person.
-I'm not crazy about her physically. I can rate her a very nice 6. If she worked out she could get to a 8-9 easily. Her personality makes her a 10 but while being sexually active her personality isn't in play and I see the 6.

But if it's bothering me now then won't this become more of an issue when down the line we past the phase of all the excitement of being in a new relationship?


I tried to avoid this being such an essay. Anyone who took time to read this I appreciate you so much. Anything helps. I miss her so much and how she made me feel but something inside me tells me I could be with her easily for 1-2 years but then that's it. That's not fair to her. Get into a relationship that my guy tells me won't last forever because of what I always wanted in a girl she doesn't have.

I'm so ashamed of myself and will be seeing her at work later this week. I'm so hurt.
Thanks again.

[lost_man]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for being honest but one thing that jumps out at me from what you wrote is that you seem to have some unusual ideas about things.

For example: there is an awful lot of talking yourself up, and talking her down. To be honest, it all sounds very contrived.

I wonder if it's all one big head versus heart conflict, your mind is contriving all these perspectives to keep you "safe"…because if nobody is good enough for you: then you can never get hurt.

Trouble is, you have a web of complex beliefs in your head that will keep you alone for another 10 years if you let them, which for your sake i hope doesn't happen.

[dk1ace]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for being honest but one thing that jumps out at me from what you wrote is that you seem to have some unusual ideas about things.

For example: there is an awful lot of talking yourself up, and talking her down. To be honest, it all sounds very contrived.

I wonder if it's all one big head versus heart conflict, your mind is contriving all these perspectives to keep you "safe"…because if nobody is good enough for you: then you can never get hurt.

Trouble is, you have a web of complex beliefs in your head that will keep you alone for another 10 years if you let them, which for your sake i hope doesn't happen.

Thank you first off for taking time to read this.

Yes I tend to over think things. I didn't mean to talk her down. I said she's a great person. But yes I am a little bothered that I am into fitness and she is not. Not a knock on her. It's just something I look for. Doesn't make her a bad person.

But I've been on other forums and been reading other websites that it's better to end it early instead of leading that person on for so long if your gut isn't sure yet that they are the one. I already hurt her twice. I could easily see myself going up to her with flowers saying "ok what the hell lets just do it". But wouldn't that make me a jerk if a year from now I am not happy and do it again?
Smh. As much as I strive to be a better person reading self improvement books for the past two years this situation really makes me feel like such a loser.

[lost_man]

Thank you first off for taking time to read this.

Yes I tend to over think things. I didn't mean to talk her down. I said she's a great person. But yes I am a little bothered that I am into fitness and she is not. Not a knock on her. It's just something I look for. Doesn't make her a bad person.

But I've been on other forums and been reading other websites that it's better to end it early instead of leading that person on for so long if your gut isn't sure yet that they are the one. I already hurt her twice. I could easily see myself going up to her with flowers saying "ok what the hell lets just do it". But wouldn't that make me a jerk if a year from now I am not happy and do it again?
Smh. As much as I strive to be a better person reading self improvement books for the past two years this situation really makes me feel like such a loser.

You are welcome

I agree that you don't want to mess her around if you are not sure, that part is fair enough.

Have you considered being more kind to yourself? It's our job in life to make peace with ourselves because nobody is going to do it for us. Books and ideas can help, but they can also take you round in circles if overdone. Something is driving you to want to perfect yourself, almost like you are running from something, a painful belief about yourself perhaps?

I think you are intelligent enough to try to detach and look at yourself objectively, and that this experience will ultimately help you grow in ways that you never expected.

[dk1ace]

You are welcome

I agree that you don't want to mess her around if you are not sure, that part is fair enough.

Have you considered being more kind to yourself? It's our job in life to make peace with ourselves because nobody is going to do it for us. Books and ideas can help, but they can also take you round in circles if overdone. Something is driving you to want to perfect yourself, almost like you are running from something, a painful belief about yourself perhaps?

I think you are intelligent enough to try to detach and look at yourself objectively, and that this experience will ultimately help you grow in ways that you never expected.

Yes. A few times I've gone through a few great books and would be a bit confused/overwhelmed by the information as some of it may feel contradicting between twoauthors making great but different points.

Running from something? Made me think. I know I have a few flaws and I always preach to love yourself because you'll never feel alone if you enjoy your own company. But I do get affected by what others think of me. I can honestly say in confidence that the majority of my co-workers/friends appreciate me as a person. I'm always looking for peace, and being positive. One person at work even refers to me as being very "Zen" like. But then I worry about any personal flaw I have, thinking it'll change my reputation. Something I shouldn't worry about anyways. "Reputation" <--not my business
And I've always had a mindset that I so far have been a person of great potential but constantly failing to reach it fully.

But yes I agree. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't say I try to be perfect in everything I do. I'm to myself and quiet, but want to be recognized in good light. The Leo in me wants to be great but do it under the radar. Doesn't make sense huh. There is a complex for sure. I just have to work even more on myself.

I have 2 full days before I see this girl again at work. Should probably do some more soul searching.

[searock]

You sound like a douche, to be honest. You basically are dating a woman that makes you feel special and with whom you have sexual chemistry and with whom you always enjoy spending time with, someone you admire and care for… yet you don't want to make your relationship official because she doesn't live up to some ideal in your mind? Time to get back to the real world.

[KingZ]

I didn't read any of that. I just wanted to say, when I first saw your username (dk1ace), I thought it said "dickface".

[dk1ace]

You sound like a douche, to be honest. You basically are dating a woman that makes you feel special and with whom you have sexual chemistry and with whom you always enjoy spending time with, someone you admire and care for… yet you don't want to make your relationship official because she doesn't live up to some ideal in your mind? Time to get back to the real world.

Thanks for at least taking time out to read.

That is your opinion. Other people's opinion have said "go with your gut". Something was telling me "I am not sure". But she wanted an answer. I told her I didn't know and she took it as a "NO".

How come I couldn't have time to step away and really spend time with myself to decide what is it that I want? No she just took it as a No and I guess it was because she didn't want to wait around for my decision.

That's fine I get it. But in THAT MOMENT, I couldn't give her an answer because my gut wasn't sure YET.

If it makes me a douche for not being assertive in that moment then so be it. I was just going with my inner feelings at the moment. I'm sorry.

[searock]

No, the problem isn't you being honest with her, that was obviously the right thing to do. The problem is that you are preventing yourself from having a fulfilling relationship just because you have this ideal in your mind of what "true love" should feel like. I can't figure out if this obstacle stems from immaturity and general lack of experience, or from thinking you are superior (hence the doucheness). Given that you're almost 30, I went for the latter option - I may be wrong.

[dk1ace]

No, the problem isn't you being honest with her, that was obviously the right thing to do. The problem is that you are preventing yourself from having a fulfilling relationship just because you have this ideal in your mind of what "true love" should feel like. I can't figure out if this obstacle stems from immaturity and general lack of experience, or from thinking you are superior (hence the doucheness). Given that you're almost 30, I went for the latter option - I may be wrong.

Yes being on these forums and hearing different opinions has made me re-evaluate everything. But as someone else said before sometimes all this advice could have me in circles.

I obviously need to look into myself and think about things. I do miss the way she made me feel and I could definitely see us having a good time together moving forward as a couple.

I just wasn't sure and she made me spill out all details as to what's holding me back and took it as a No.

Would it be wrong of me to go back to her and tell her Yes at this point? This is if I decide to go with the "what the hell, life is short and you make me happy. Lets see where this goes" mentality?

Or would that really make me a douche bag for getting in a relationship with her after I've already hurt her twice?

I'll see her at work in two days. Maybe if I see she is already moving on I'll leave it alone? And if she's really hurting and tries to speak to me again about it I could AT LEAST just tell her "you never gave me an opportunity to step away and give me time to think about it" So she can realize I never said "No".

This stuff is tough

[searock]

Of course you should go back to her and say "to hell with my silly mental blocks, you make me happy, you are amazing, I want to be with you ".

And of course she would take your hesitation as a "no". What else could it have meant, given that your four-month dating has always been wonderful? btw, she gave you plenty of time to figure it out. If after 4 months of dating and sex and generally being a couple in everything but in name, you still are unsure whether or not to make it official, it's just natural to think that you are not interested and that it's not worth wasting any more time with you.

[dk1ace]

Of course you should go back to her and say "to hell with my silly mental blocks, you make me happy, you are amazing, I want to be with you ".

And of course she would take your hesitation as a "no". What else could it have meant, given that your four-month dating has always been wonderful? btw, she gave you plenty of time to figure it out. If after 4 months of dating and sex and generally being a couple in everything but in name, you still are unsure whether or not to make it official, it's just natural to think that you are not interested and that it's not worth wasting any more time with you.

You know I would love to just move forward with your first line. I feel like I know she wouldn't be hurting anymore, and I would get back that girl that made me feel special. And we would have some great times ahead of us. But it's not my job to make her feel good right now. She has a lot of friends and supportive family. I can only do that if I feel it's right.

But then I get responses from people saying "kudos to you not wasting her time going with your gut feeling". My gut feeling didn't tell me NO. My gut told me "ok this is weird because this isn't what we were looking for. Lets really think about it". What's wrong with that?

Isn't that hesitation alone worth saying "don't take that chance of hurting her even more"?

We all know men can do the dating with sex and not having a name to it longer than females can. It's just all about exclusivity. Putting the name on it tells us "ok, time to give up freedom in terms of other interactions with women. And put more time into US, taking away some me time". This is just in general.

- - - Updated - - -

Bless all of you btw for taking time out to read this and give your helpful thoughts. So amazing that there are people out there willing to spend time giving some guidance to someone like me who always strives to be the best person I can be and am now realizing I'm lacking that improvement in my love life

THANK YOU ALL

[searock]

You know I would love to just move forward with your first line. I feel like I know she wouldn't be hurting anymore, and I would get back that girl that made me feel special. And we would have some great times ahead of us. But it's not my job to make her feel good right now. She has a lot of friends and supportive family. I can only do that if I feel it's right.

I was NOT suggesting that you tell her that just to make her happy. I think you should let yourself embrace life and relationships, even if they don't live up to the ideal standard you have in your mind. You've never been in a relationship, doesn't that tell you something? Why are you so afraid of commitment?

But then I get responses from people saying "kudos to you not wasting her time going with your gut feeling". My gut feeling didn't tell me NO. My gut told me "ok this is weird because this isn't what we were looking for. Lets really think about it". What's wrong with that?

Nothing wrong with it, the problem is that after 4 months of dating you still aren't sure. This means that you do not want to be with her, or that you have an underlying problem that is preventing you from even giving a try at a relationship, in general.

Putting the name on it tells us "ok, time to give up freedom in terms of other interactions with women. And put more time into US, taking away some me time".

Yeah, I can understand why you don't like the idea of a relationship, if this is all it means to you.

Yep, it's best if you leave that woman alone so she can move on and perhaps find a mature man that isn't so afraid of commitment.

[dk1ace]

[QUOTE=searock;971073]I was NOT suggesting that you tell her that just to make her happy. I think you should let yourself embrace life and relationships, even if they don't live up to the ideal standard you have in your mind. You've never been in a relationship, doesn't that tell you something? Why are you so afraid of commitment?

Nothing wrong with it, the problem is that after 4 months of dating you still aren't sure. This means that you do not want to be with her, or that you have an underlying problem that is preventing you from even giving a try at a relationship, in general.


I have been in two relationships. 2 years back in 2004 and for a few months in 2005.

I guess I am scared of commitment and don't even realize it. This great uncertainty I have must be pointing to it.

I really want to go back to her and make it alright. And just do it. Embrace the moment.

I'll think it over. Maybe even seek some help for the first time.

Thanks for your honesty and words searock. Some truths hurt when it's about you. Especially when you're constantly striving to be a better you

[KingZ]

Hahaha, dickface.