To Move On or Not? I need help...

[Mattiemae]

Key point really: Love can never be bought. Love is not based on money and matrialism. Just that is what we should know. Well the point is we must not judge about whether it's right or wrong for you to have talked with this other woman. Most people in society to this more than most of us are even aware of, and seen it more times in the last seven years than I really want to talk about. lol I've seen things I don't even want to know. But really you're not married to her. I think this is the thing I've come to understand is when we're dating it really is what we agree to with our partners, and basically just be opening and honest with her might help her understand a few things. Maybe if she knows their is other opportunities and other woman you can date she will change her tune. I'm not saying this to be causing jealousy. I'm saying this because whether we like it or not, chaos is needed in our lives to motivate us to go in the right direction in life. As much as it feels yucky and hard at the moment, and we have bad feelings, the best thing is to be open and honest with everyone and tell it like it is. We tend to beat around the bush, hide things, and be deceptive. Instead we should just be blatant and open about what we feel, why we feel it, and stop worrying about what other people think. If we want respect and honesty we should always give it even if it is on the negative side. Really we can't change if people hide and lie.

We don't know what we have until we lose it, and really not creating jealousy, but a natural emotion will arise. But let's say if their is another woman or man in the picture most of the time when we know this, we slam on the breaks! lol "What?" We start thinking why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What am I creating in the relationship? How can I change things to make things better? It's an eye-opener. You don't have to go on the date. Or even text the woman, but just bring up the idea, and ask her do you think this is a good idea? lol I know it sounds cruel, but get her thoughts on whether you should both date other people? She'll probably start asking you why are you thinking that? Explain the mixed messages, or how her actions display what the do. Don't blame her, but say this is what I hear? This is what I feel? This is what I see? I may be right or wrong, but please clear this up for me?

[smackie9]

I know everyone wonders "Did I make the right decision?" Why not make a list of pros and cons and leave the emotions aside. That might help you get better direction on where you should go from here. Maybe ask a friend'what they think because they know you best. We can only throw quote and theories at you, but that isn't going to be a solution for your real life situation.

[furiouspsych]

Well, "my girl" seemed to be pushing us to split with the no contact we'd had. I'm still not sure if we'd ever have talked again if I didn't contact her eventually.

This new girl is the same one I went on 3 dates with and told my girl about when we started dating. See, my girl was hesitant to start a relationship initially so I went on some other dates with this other girl. This did push my girl to try an official relationship. It'd be weird to do the same thing to continue the relationship. The new girl is likely a better match, I just don't get the same spark from her…yet. My friends want me to date the new girl. They make the same amount of money as me and don't like my girl's stance on having the man pay for everything.

That being said, the new girl text me today saying she just wants to be "friends first." I understand that. We talked about what happened before. We had 3 dates over a 3 week period, she asked if I was dating anyone else and I told the truth that I had. I explained that I wouldn't continue to date others if we went steady. She kinda got pissed and we stopped talking. So since last weekend, I apologized for my part and she apologized for over-reacting. I understand why she's hesitant and wants to take it slow. Our mutual friends believe she will date me again if I put in the time.

"My girl" text me today too about nothing important. She did send a cute pic of us for some reason. It didn't have any message with it. She's seemed more flirty like she use to be before this issue began 3 weeks ago.

I'm still leaning towards official closure on Friday. I do worry that I could end up with neither…but I was single for 4 years before this so I know I'll get over the loneliness eventually. Loneliness is natural after a breakup.

Thank you guys for the input, it really does help me sort my thoughts out.

[smackie9]

Ya well I can see why new girl is holding back, because things are not done between you and your GF. So yes effort to built trust is needed if you wish to keep new girl. So you are picking Valentines day to officially end the relationship? wow.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Smackie, personally I can't think of a better day to drop the hammer. Dump this materialistic dog on the day that epitomizes materialistic, relationship consumerism/commercialism. She's sending you these cute texts now, because she's noticing that you're not whining and begging, don't fall for it.

[furiouspsych]

Haha I was pondering meeting up with her earlier like tomorrow b/c of that. It'll be an awkward v-day dinner if not.

I didn't contact either girl and neither one contacted me today. I'm getting use to that tho. I'm going to keep friendly contact with the new girl until it's crystal clear between me and my girl what direction we're going. If she doesn't make a 180 when we talk and show some real effort, we'll be ending it. That's fully what I expect, so yeah I'll likely be having my first v-day breakup. I won't be cold about it, she's just use to the lifestyle she's always had and the experiences of her past bfs spoiling her, she's really not a bad girl. I don't even think she'll be upset with a split.

So I'll keep friendly contact with the other girl and hold off on planning anything with her until after Friday. That's the game plan anyway.

[smackie9]

I don't think she's a bad person either, but maybe what you could have done long a go was have a pre relationship talk about expectations. Putting everything out on the table would have avoided any of this to begin with. I think it's a little too late but hey what the hell at least you both will know where you stand now. Best of luck.

PS don't forget to give us an update

[furiouspsych]

We actually did a lot of talking before the relationship went official. It took 3 months of dating before we called it "official." She had concerns that finances strain people's relationships and we have such a difference with incomes. She had recently said that she eventually wanted the relationship because I showed so much drive and really worked hard to make her my girl…and the reason she brought that up was b/c she felt I hadn't been showing that same passion the past month or so of dating. I'd been frustrated the past couple months and was taking a step back emotionally. I was frustrated with her complaints that we don't do enough activities and I'd been stressed at work and life (my father had some serious health issues recently), but rather than support me, she was just adding to the stress…so I admittedly was pulling back. She wasn't stressing me on purpose, I never told her I was stressed over work and frustrated/pulling back until that last phone call that led to this nearly month of not seeing each other.

Her parents were visiting for 3 months from China when we began dating. Her father gave us his blessing. Although wealthy, he said that if I love her and treat her well that money shouldn't be an issue.

I've fallen short of some things we discussed. I was suppose to find work and live in the city by now. So I understand her frustration to a point. Like I've said, I realize my faults in this situation. We'll discuss these. I'm more bothered by how distant she suddenly became over these past few weeks…by how easily she seemed to let go. It's such a contrast to how she was during the relationship. Before when I got frustrated or we disagreed, she emphasized communicating and working things out. So seeing her seemingly just "let go" these past few weeks was tough.

We still haven't set up anything for sure Friday. I still haven't talked to either gal since early Tuesday. I did just text the new girl so we can keep in friendly contact. If I don't hear from "my girl" by early evening, I'll contact her to make a plan. I'm really looking forward to moving on from all this, whatever direction that may be. I definitely won't let something like this ever drag on for so long again. Lesson learned.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Do you have a plan to move to the city? While I did call her a materialistic dog, she does have every right to be upset that you haven't held up that end of the bargain.

[smackie9]

We actually did a lot of talking before the relationship went official. It took 3 months of dating before we called it "official." She had concerns that finances strain people's relationships and we have such a difference with incomes. She had recently said that she eventually wanted the relationship because I showed so much drive and really worked hard to make her my girl…and the reason she brought that up was b/c she felt I hadn't been showing that same passion the past month or so of dating. I'd been frustrated the past couple months and was taking a step back emotionally. I was frustrated with her complaints that we don't do enough activities and I'd been stressed at work and life (my father had some serious health issues recently), but rather than support me, she was just adding to the stress…so I admittedly was pulling back. She wasn't stressing me on purpose, I never told her I was stressed over work and frustrated/pulling back until that last phone call that led to this nearly month of not seeing each other.

Her parents were visiting for 3 months from China when we began dating. Her father gave us his blessing. Although wealthy, he said that if I love her and treat her well that money shouldn't be an issue.

I've fallen short of some things we discussed. I was suppose to find work and live in the city by now. So I understand her frustration to a point. Like I've said, I realize my faults in this situation. We'll discuss these. I'm more bothered by how distant she suddenly became over these past few weeks…by how easily she seemed to let go. It's such a contrast to how she was during the relationship. Before when I got frustrated or we disagreed, she emphasized communicating and working things out. So seeing her seemingly just "let go" these past few weeks was tough.

We still haven't set up anything for sure Friday. I still haven't talked to either gal since early Tuesday. I did just text the new girl so we can keep in friendly contact. If I don't hear from "my girl" by early evening, I'll contact her to make a plan. I'm really looking forward to moving on from all this, whatever direction that may be. I definitely won't let something like this ever drag on for so long again. Lesson learned.

Well there you have it you both ignored the obvious that finances would put a strain on the relationship. Not sure what else there is to work on. She never adjusted to your lesser income....the reality has now come to the surface.

[smackie9]

Valentine's Day has come and gone.....so furious what's the update on your situation?

[rest77]

Valentine's Day has come and gone.....so furious what's the update on your situation?

"To Move On or Not? I need help..."

Or Furious has not Moved? Probably the girl from China is willing to work things out

[woody]

Great advice guys. I must be making the relationship (and her) sound worse than it is tho. True, she has a princess-like attitude. She's acknowledged it and done her best to adjust. She's had money her whole life. She came from China 10 years ago, but her parents were well off. She started a business helping other Chinese people come to the US for college and things took off, so she has earned hers. I respect her business mindset & admire her hustle. She wants to "better" me and help me be more successful. Even with a master degree, I'm barely scraping by so I do need a better job…social work is obv not a high paying profession. She's always dated guys that make 6 figures & spoil her, so dating me's been an adjustment for her.

That being said, I'm not in the same place financially (understatement) and I get tired of talking about business sometimes. The biggest issue to me is still the 2 weeks of no talking and her lack of care about that…until she called Friday, I didn't think she cared at all. Today is 3 weeks since we've seen each other, tho I'm just as guilty for that by not contacting her.

There's another potential date I can have, a gal I briefly dated but stopped when me and my gf started going steady. I need to make a decision by Thursday b/c the dreaded V-day is Friday. My friends pretty much want me to get rid of the gf too and date this other girl. I admittedly still have a strong attraction to my girl tho. Her success and positive, upbeat attitude (aside from the complaining, which isn't as often as I must've made it seem) is a turn-on for me. I'm definitely leaning towards moving on though…as tough as it is.

Dear O.P,

Two weeks without contact could be her protecting herself. Could be she was waiting for your call as well and finding herself growing even more stubborn with each passing day.
I wouldn't allow the income levels to bare too much influence; yet I agree with what 'valixy' said about you paying for everything. Two to tango, fairs fair, both ought pay their fair share for outings.

Why don't you just ask her why she didn't call you? She may ask you the same thing.

Hey, if you like this lady and you two have fun together AND the fireworks, in my opinion, go for it. These type of connections don't happen as often as some think.
Strut your stuff and keep the 'wow' factor in your life.

Just talk to her
good luck man

[furiouspsych]

New girl cancelled me Saturday..said she was tired and wanted to reschedule. Like I suspected, she likely had a date on v-day and it must've went well.

I met up with my girl Friday. We had a good talk. Her tone changed when I explained that I am looking for work in the city whether we date or not. I also expressed that I don't think we're a good match. She asked if I love her and want to work on things… how do you answer that? Of course I do, but it doesn't mean we're a good match. She argued for us to work it out. She said she hadn't contacted me b/c she was giving up…she didn't think I wanted to work to bring us closer physically and emotionally. I get that, it's hard to have a relationship when you only see each other on weekends. We talked at the very beginning about me moving and working in the city…so 9 months of no progress…I get that.

She's simply not going to pay for anything we do tho. She's set in her ways. It's ridiculous and I don't agree with it. So even though we ended up having a good evening, I'm not seeing that it's going to work. She's back to willing to work everything out though.

Since Friday, things have seemingly gone back to normal like before this issue happened. I had less of a reason to hold back once the other girl cancelled. I haven't talked to her since she cancelled and obviously don't plan on it as long as things are where they are with my girl. It would no-question be cheating after our talk Friday and I'm not for that.

I have plans to meet up with my girl again Tuesday, we'll talk more then. I just worry that I've finally gotten into one of those "love isn't enough" situations.

Thank you guys soo much for the feedback through all this. It's really helped!

[smackie9]

Well at least you see it for what it is.