I desperately want her back

[lucky43g2]

I met with a girl about 6 years back in my teacher’s private batch, and liked her. She used to look at me and through her smiles, indications and gestures I assumed that she also had some feelings for me too, though I might be wrong. I am too much shy and introvert. I have few friends, with almost no intimate friends. I find it difficult to approach and communicate to girls. I am boring; I even have difficulties keeping a conversation moving; I don’t find topics to talk about. I have never had any girl friend or girlfriend. As you can guess, I almost never talked to her, when I did, it ended too early, but I kept her observing. Over one year things went on like this and then to my utter depression she left my teacher. I hoped things will get easier with the course of time, but they didn’t. I kept thinking about her in vain. My studies suffered from insincerity. I had seen her afterwards quite a few times in streets, and she saw me too, and I again started getting mad thinking about her. Later I heard that she has got engaged and I got perplexed even more.

Around 1 month ago, I searched her in Facebook and found her! But she has left the town where I live for studies, though she has not moved there. We both are in college (in different colleges of course) now and are of same age. I know she returns home in her vacations. I have sent her request and she has accepted it just a few days before. Now I have initiated some random talk, beginning with whether she remembers me or not, 6 years after all, too long a time you know. She has replied that she does remember me and described where we met first!!! She answers to my ‘random’ questions, but it seems like she doesn’t care at all. All it seems like an interview where I am asking – she is answering. That is perhaps because I totally suck at instigating interesting conversations and so-called flirting. Her replies seem that she is talking to an old friend of hers, but I also have to let her hint that I want it more than mere friendship. I have rather determined that the next time she comes back to home, which is in the same town as mine. I will ask her to meet me. Obviously I cannot ask her whether she has a boyfriend. But I cannot afford to lose her again. I desperately need her back. Help this poor fellow guys. At least I want to let her know that I like her and no one can love her more. I don’t know whether she will approve it, but at least I can heave the sigh of relief. I’d like to remind you that I am entirely untutored in the complications of relationships. You guys are my only saviour. Tell me please what I should do now. Thank you all in advance.

[smackie9]

She's not interested because she's engaged or has a BF. wtf are you trying to get out of this? Sorry to say this but you are wasting your time and should be focusing on improving your social life, making friends, and going out meeting people. Stop stalking this poor girl before she ends up deleting you off her FB because she finds out your motives.

[smackie9]

btw obsessing over a girl, cowering in a corner for 6 years, no real friends, no social life.....you suffer from horrible anxiety and you should seek therapy. No girl would find a cowering dude with no social life BF material. You need to work on yourself esteem and I'm sure therapy could guide you to better success with girls. Just saying there are is no magic to make your situation happen. You need to reassess your life, goals, and work on them real hard.

[lucky43g2]

Thanks for your reply.

I admit that I'm loser in real social life but I can't let her go without even trying.
She might be avoiding me because we'd been detached for so long. What do you think?
I've just seen some gleams of sunshine breaking through the dark clouds, ahem, and now yet again all looks futile.
Believe me, it seems the first time I'm staring at a girl like this when I look at her, but who'll explain to her?
Moreover, if I wave her aside out of hand it will further depress me, I think.
Apart from all that, As long as studies are concerned, I'd long back got a hold of that and have since then been doing fairly well.

[smackie9]

She already told you flat out "not interested" and time doesn't change that, not even 6 years. Her decision was final. She knows that a guy wouldn't contact her after 6 years (that had a crush on her) without motivation. That is why she is stand offish, to send a signal that she is still not interested. It take a woman 7 seconds to know if you are BF material or not. If she had any attraction towards you she would definitely show it, even after 6 years. You are friend zoned. Stop torturing yourself with this, it's time to move on. Work on improving your life, and the loneliness will go away.

[lucky43g2]

No, no, no. She didn't tell "I'm not interested" at all. It's just my assumption.

Can I just say at least that I like her or so? Could I get entangled in any problem if I do that?

Friend-zoned? How to get off it?

[basilandthyme]

All it seems like an interview where I am asking – she is answering. That is perhaps because I totally suck at instigating interesting conversations and so-called flirting.

It's not because you suck at flirting. Good conversations go both ways....the fact is she's simply not interested in having more than a basic conversation with you. Instead, she's doing the obligatory basic conversations we do when we find an old friend on FB. In short, she feels *obliged* to be basically polite to you because she has good manners.

If she wanted a friendship (let alone a relationship) she would be more forthcoming. Give it a week or two and she probably won't reply much....if at all.

Sorry dude. You need to address the issues which make you suck at friendships/relationships and then find a girl who lives close to you.

[smackie9]

You can't get out of the friends zone, once a girl has made up her mind she doesn't see you as anything more. Just because a girl is nice to you doesn't mean she is interested. All I can say is you need to have confidence. Girls like a guy that can be social and forward, a man that will take the lead. Ask her out on a date for tea and see if she says yes. If she backs off or gives excuses, then you have your answer....she is not interested.

[Mattiemae]

What you are experiencing is an emotional attachment from the past. While your feelings may be very strong, really holding on to her will only harm you in the long wrong if she isn't giving anything in return. We fixate on relationships, but stop ourselves from finding true love and happiness by dwelling on the past. While you may be shy, the more you develop and grow you will learn there are a world of opportunities and the opposite sex out there. The more you talk to woman the more comfortable you will be starting conversations. I used to be just as shy, but got on Secondlife.com and met a diversified world of people and the more you interact the easier life becomes and not so lonely or isolated.

Be positive about who you are, and find confidence. Usually we lack self esteem, and self worth and don't feel we are worthy of love, yet we are in many ways. We just have to see for ourselves. Be the best you and discover you are stronger than you believe you are in the moment. Even speaking with her is a good opportunity to learn things, but at the same time understand the more you do the longer the emotional attachment and the harder to let go if she doesn't want a relationship with you. I feel you are a very sensitive person and wish to have a better life. You will one day, but you have to get out of your comfort zone. Stretch your character and go out and get what you want in life.

[lucky43g2]

Thank you very much for your valuable advices guys and for sympathising with me.
It's satisfying to see how strangers help each other even in their personal affairs.


Yes. I also kind of presumed that 6 years is too long a time and it's already over now.
I've tried my best to forget her, but couldn't succeed. I even used to dream of her.

My circumstances, situations don't allow me to socialise.
I've often noticed people don't like me, try to avoid me, refuse to help me etc. and
these things break my trust in people. I've been a loner. I love doing works alone(be it making a breakfast or
fixing my computer) and hate to depend upon others. The only things I'm good at
is my studies and my instrument, musical instrument
(in fact, I excel in these two, don't take it as I'm bragging about myself).
I basically don't like people, except a few.
'Getting a life' is easier said than done, at least for such a guy like me.


I've said that before, but saying again. Should I say her that I liked her?
Could it entangle me in any problem if I do that?
I know she would probably be surprised, laugh, mock or find excuses that she's engaged
or even say "What do yo mean?!"
but I'd at least heave the sigh of relief of having told her my feelings, regardless of her response to it.
This makes sense, don't you think?

[Mattiemae]

Well you will have alot of people that don't take interest in you. What I've learned is that there alot of dysfunctional people in the world and fortunately not everything is about you or me. Alot of it too is getting out of the comfort zone and doing things differently. It is not easy to trust people, and there different scenario's why people don't take interest in us. Some of it is because we don't make the effor our selves to get involved with other people. On the other hand sometimes they are in the same place as you. With the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Other times they are to busy in their own worlds to notice anything else but what they may be focused on in the moment.

There is nothing wrong with you. I was shy and a loner for along time. Thought there was something wrong with me, but fortunately it was because of naysayers, and rumormongers. I understand today some people like to cause drama and others pain and suffering because they experience it themselves. Unaware of what they say and do. Some believe in tough love and make it abusive. Figure it out on your own. There are many mind games people play because society has trained us to by dysfunctional and choose emotional war games.

There are more lonely people in the world like you than you could ever imagine. It's just learning to connect with others and finding like minded people. It is hard to get out of your comfortzone, but you have the internet, and social networking sites too interact with others. Virtual worlds help alot with your shyness and coming out of your shell and is a creative place too. It's just really connecting with someone somewhere that you find more confidence.

For expressing yourself, there is nothing wrong with that, you have to take risks in life to build friendships, and meet partners. At the same time you have to understand some people are oranges, and some are banana's. We are all different people with different belief systems, dreams, expectations, what we desire and want in life. There is diversity and it's just finding your way in the world with those that will push you higher and in a positive direction.

[smackie9]

Why not take the romantic feelings off the table by chalking it up as not going to ever happen, and just be friends with her instead. Maybe she has a few GFs she could introduce you to in the future.

[lucky43g2]

@Mattiemae
Thanks for your kind words. I found somebody sharing the same feelings as mine at last.
If the mind games are concerned, I’ve faced them several times. People’s ignorance, at times,
feel like it’s my body-language or lack of voice-gravity which they feel creepy and that’s why don’t give their attention to.
I suck at seeking attention. I’d like to ask you, what’s my first step to free myself from anti-socialness, loneliness and shyness?

@All
I know it’ll sound too childish or creepy to you, but as I said before I’m a newbie in relationship stuff.
The thing is how do you differentiate between love and friendship? What is a guy supposed to do to be a girl’s boyfriend and not friend?

[lucky43g2]

@Mattiemae
Thanks for your kind words. I found somebody sharing the same feelings as mine at last. If the mind games are concerned, I’ve faced them several times. People’s ignorance, at times, feel like it’s my body-language or lack of voice-gravity which they feel creepy and that’s why don’t give their attention to. I suck at seeking attention. I’d like to ask you, what’s my first step to free myself from anti-socialness, loneliness and shyness?

@All
I know it’ll sound too childish or creepy to you, but as I said before I’m a newbie in relationship stuff. The thing is how do you differentiate between love and friendship? What is a guy supposed to do to be a girl’s boyfriend and not friend?

[Mattiemae]

Really just talk to every girl you can no matter what age or where it is, and just practice having a natural conversation with out any strings attached. If you learn different things, you have like art, literature, music, what ever to talk about with people, or what's in the news. Just get comfortable talking to them. Learn about how their personalities are, if you know how a woman acts naturally just being your friend, you will know when the time comes the difference when a woman likes you. The more woman you talk to, you get past the fears, and don't worry about what they think of you.

Now if a woman likes you, they will show interest in you. Usually will flirt with you. Make jokes, hug you, kiss you on the cheek, call you and can't get their mind off you. Will usually look for you every where, on facebook, text messages, phone. Some woman will chase you, while others will make you do the work. Depends on whether they are old fashioned, or like the power to pursue the guy.

Really there is no way to teach you how to know the difference except for you to talk to different age woman, because of course most woman aren't going to hit on you if their far older, but you can tell what a simple conversation, friendly smile, or certain body language that you wouldn't associate with dating. Younger woman these days kind of dress exposing just about everything. So that doesn't mean anything. I've seen younger woman today hug and kiss and only mean friendship. Really woman today kind of take things to far in my opinion if they're just friends, and like the attention. It's more of a mind game today with clothes, fashion, pics half exposing themselves on social network sites, and being all Indie.

Really just know when it's mean to happen it will happen, just look at both their words and actions. Sometimes they act one way but say something else. So if the words and actions match that is an indicator they like you.