How do I forget the Past? Forbidden Love Problem

[tom1a12]

Hi, I have a serious problem, one that's lasted over 7 years. I've had a lot of time to think about a solution but never came up with one and I'm not sure if somebody around the world could find me one in 5 mins so I'm basically just writing my heart out because I've kept it secret for so long and it's driving me CRAZY not being able to talk about it with anyone.

It's about forbidden love. Please don't despise me or find me gross or whatever, I was very young, stupid, and besides you really can't change who you love so here's my story:

A long time ago when I was 14-15 years-old, without intending to, I somehow found myself in a very inappropriate relationship with a 19-year-old girl. She was the most beautiful and attractive person I had ever seen (she still is).

It all started very innocently by me asking her to move in and we were already good friends then, she was family. But a year later it all turned sexual, I suppose when puberty finally kicked in. What I never really understood was how did I develop a sexual attraction if I practically grew up with this person, what about the Westermarck effect?

We didn't have sex but we did touch each other naked and stuff like that, twice. One day my parents discover a lovebite she left on my neck and we were forced to separate. I suppose they suspected something between us was out of line.

Having never been with girl, I didn't know I was in-love until I lost her. It left a hole in my soul and I wept for days. We both realized then what we did was wrong and have never spoken a word about it since; like it never happened.

Seven years later everything seems normal, whenever we see each other we smile and we're still very good friends. Even when our parents see us together they smile, like nothing ever happened!

But I'm a fake. I'm not a happy person. Whenever I'm around family I put up a mask. I pretend to be funny, easy-going, happy when I'm not. I've been going through a serious 7 year depression (which just keeps getting worse) and I can't tell anybody! I can't tell my parents because they never really found out what was between us and I can't tell her because I think she doesn't wanna talk about it. We haven't spoken about it since it happened!

Just what exactly is my depression about? It's about me missing her. It's about me feeling incomplete without her. I just keep falling in-love with her again and again and my guilt about the past doesn't stop me! I thought with time maybe I'd get over her but I haven't. Every time I'm with a girl I think about her. She was my first love! I don't know how she's been able to forget about it because every time I see her I remember! Unless...maybe she's being just like me and pretending she's moved on when she hasn't?

My sorrow is so bad I keep thinking about suicide! Nobody knows but throughout these years I've already attempted it 4 times and I'm scared I might succeed in the future.

After so many years of waiting, now I know I'll never truly get over her and so I'll never truly be happy. If that isn't a good reason for suicide then I don't know what is.

What should I do? Do I talk about it with her? I can't seek professional help since I still live with my parents and don't drive a car (I know, weird)

[basilandthyme]

Tom, you can and should seek professional help. It sounds like you're well and truly old enough to see a doctor without parental permission. And besides, you don't have to tell them what you're seeking help for. If you feel the need to say something, just tell them you're feeling emotionally unstable and need to speak with a professional.

For what it's worth, I think it's unlikely that what you're feeling is true love. It's much more likely to be some f*cked up feelings left over from you being sexually abused by her. Now, don't go giving me any excuses for her - you were a minor and she was the adult. Even if you were fully willing, what she did is still illegal. And yes, it's right that this is illegal....look at how f*cked up you are as a result of what she did to you.

[michelle23]

I dont think this is love. Its ling term infatuation. I also think you should seek therapy and also avoid this girl as much as possible. You need to get over her so you can move onto something real

[Wakeup]

Can you explain why this thing you had/have for one another is so "forbidden" so "Inappropriate?" There is nothing in your OP to suggest that you should have a romantic relationship.

How is she "family?"
Why did she "move in with you and your parents?" *What was the reason for that?

[Mattiemae]

Seeing a therapist will help you through this situation. Depression can be very dark and dreary. Very lonely and locking things up inside doesn't help. Write out your feelings in a journal as well to get rid of the feelings and emotions about the situation and the woman. It is not love, and she did take advantage of you and new better. It is more of a wound from the past that needs to be healed, and I'm sure there is alot more stuff in your past eating away at you as well that you're not telling us. Really the only way out of that dark place and suicidal thoughts is by seeking help from outside. There is the local helpline in your phone book that can help you find a counselor or immediate counsling on the phone if you need it an emergency. There is also 1-800-273-TALK (8255) the national suicide hotline.

When ever you feel like harming yourself please contact and reach out to anyone like this online if you have too, to talk to you. Suicide is not the answer, and in the middle of depression you are confused and not seeing things straight and clearly because of your pain and suffering. Never harm yourself because others have abused you emotionally, spiritually, mentally, or physically, or sexually. It's a dark tunnel you don't believe you can get out of, but you can get out of it in time. If you feel depressed read some positive thoughts or affirmations. Listen to some self guided meditations on you tube to calm your anxiety, worries, and stress. Listen to upbeat music that relaxes you or as positive lyrics. Change your thoughts, Change your life by Wayne dyer kind of thing can help uplift you too. I'm just trying to give you different ideas so when you feel down, you have some where to go. Watch inspirational movies on the internet, or television. Read inspiring books. Be creative and start new art projects and express your emotions and feelings with colors. If you have animals hug them, and play with them. Go volunteer at animal shelter. Most likely you are isolating yourself and not being to social. It's hard to move, but move anyway. Life does get better as long as you breathe. Nothing in life is worth hurting or harming yourself.

The past is no longer here, and can not harm you anymore. Today is a new day, and every day is, and one day you will find someone that truly loves you. Believe life gets better, and find positive ways to think and believe. Really a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Help you get back to being your true self. Medications even maybe needed to level out your moods, and emotions. Really it was forbidden because you were to young to process all that stuff. It's why their are laws. Talk about it, and don't hide it because that is what is harming you. Keeping it a secret! So yes be glad you spoke up about it, and keep speaking about it until you heal. You are not a victim of life, but a survivor if you choose to be. You never deserved that, and never blame yourself for what other people have done to you.

It was messed up, but that doesn't make you messed up. You are not the event or the act. You are a person that someone has harmed. The department of human services, or the community mental health in your area should have resources for you, and sometimes their are donations, or sponsors if you have no insurance, or sliding scales. There is always help if you seek it out and you are never alone. In america alone one out of six i believe suffer from depression, and suicidal thoughts. 11.3 out of 100 thousand end their lives. So this is the problem with our society is we need to take it seriously and stop abusing people on any level verbally, emotionally, mentally, sexually, spiritually, or physically. Be Strong and Courageous and beat Depression. Meditation and minfulness does cause anxiety and stress, so if you really want to help yourself you will go out there and do it for you! Life is worth living!

[tom1a12]

Amazing...people actually care about helping me Thank you Mattiemae and everybody else. I don't really think she meant any harm since I was very accepting and she's always loved me as a person. What I've been hiding was the fact of exactly how 'familiy' were we. She was my sister...that's what's so messed up about everything! And being part of a very religious family just makes me feel just so confused and guilty. How can I possibly still be obsessed with her? Am I not messed up? And because she's immediate family we still live in the same house and I'm forced to remember the dark past every day. So do you guys really think I'm traumatized or something?

Yes, I am isolated. I home-schooled back then, and now I have a work-at-home job which involves computer programming, so I don't get many chances to see other girls. She also works at home

Whenever I exercise, work, or watch a movie, I sort-of forget about everything. I suppose it's the only way I've gotten through all these years, but as soon as I get a break, as soon as the movie ends, or whenever I hear a love song, it comes back.

I feel guilt, disgust at myself, angry, love, and I just somehow miss what we were, when we used to share secrets, have inside-jokes, tickle each other, and love each other. But right after I just feel really wrong for feeling these things. I've tried to forget and ignore my feelings but they always seem to come back. But if I seek professional help, won't my family be suspicious? I'd have to explain the source of my depression! I couldn't do that... and my parents do all the driving so I don't even have a license.

The other day I saw an Australian movie named "Beautiful Kate." It was about a situation sort-of similar to mine; made me feel horrible... maybe I shouldn't have watched it.

[Mattiemae]

well no because there is the HIPPA LAW which states they can't admit or deny that you stepped on the drive way where ever you go through therapy. Medical, or Mental Health no one can see your records without your consent. So just to trade papers between a doctor and mental health you have to sign a waiver saying it's okay they read the information for medication. Not all your records. So if your family asked if you were there they would just tell them they can't give out any information about their client's or who comes there or leaves there. You are very protected. All you have to say if you want to share if you have depression is you have depression. Well people have depression for all sorts of reasons. break ups, stress, anxiety, death and dying, losing a job, losing a relationship, losing finances. Child abuse, childhood issues, bully issues, the list goes on. The thing is if this was your sister, you really have to figure it out, and get a healthy attitude about her. You will be around her forever and it's not a healthy way to look at her, or feel about her. So get it straightened out as soon as possible. What happen happen, but now make it different. Being isolated isn't good at all. I think home schooling is wonderful for the education, but it doesn't teach children how to socialize and relate to others. You haven't been around other woman too have a healthy growing up experience like other boys would in a school. Working at home is fine, but same thing, doesn't give you the opportunity to socialize and meet other woman to have a healthy perception of woman. Religous or not religous those are your parents beliefs, and nothing wrong with Jesus or God, but really you live in a world where you have to relate to other people in a healthy way. I'm sure it was their best intention, but may not have been for this reason.

The thing is at some point you will move out on your own, and you will be in the world and live a healthier lifestyle. This is just going to open you up to new opportunities and perceptions. Healthier, but at the same time you're parents might have their religious beliefs about how you live. Those are theirs, but now experience and form your own path in life. It's not good or bad, just what is healthy from your perspective and theirs.

Don't allow fear to stop you from achieving a good life!

[tom1a12]

So maybe what I need to do is get out of this house and start a new life so I can forget...?...I'll have to wait until I have the means to do so...thank you for your understanding.

[Valixy]

Tom, the first place where sexual energies are experienced, it's inevitably at home. Children make no distinction at first between eating or touching themselves. It is the parents' responsibility to direct those energies properly. A growing teenager needs sexual education and the possibility to interact with girls and boys of his age. The fact that you were home schooled and had so little social contact outside your home and with other girls might have influenced what happened. You were becoming a pack of hormones and only naturally looked for an outlet, and without other girls around to start experiencing you became attracted to the only young girl available, that happened to be your sister. It's pretty natural to have happened that way, and it's not that uncommon.

But you are older now, you can understand that what happened was because you lacked sexual education and the possibility to interact with other teenagers and you will have to forgive yourself. Life is sometimes complicated, learning to deal with our personal energies is not easy, especially if we grow in a restrictive and dogmatic environment.

Let go that guilt. You are not a disgusting human being. You were just young and confused and your external circumstances were limited. Seeing a therapist might be a good thing indeed, and starting to live on your own too. You are not in love with your sister, you love her because she is your sister and you always will, but you haven't had a chance to detach from the past, get to know new people and fall in love with the right girl for you, but you will. You can always start fresh, control your thoughts, reason things properly and live happier.

[Mattiemae]

Lovely advice Vlixy!

[Valixy]

Lovely advice Vlixy!

Thank you, Mattiemae

[basilandthyme]

Tom, my thoughts have changed since finding out the whole story. Strongly agree with Valixy. If your sister was as sheltered and isolated as you, it's not so surprising that this was the end result. Also, being sheltered and isolated would have limited her ability to make adult choices.

You still need counselling and lots of it. And neither you or your therapist need to tell your parents what is going on. Fact is, the therapist is prohibited from doing so. Does your workplace offer counselling to staff? Talk to your HR department.

You also need to forgive yourself.

[tom1a12]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Maybe someday after getting help and finding another girl I will be able to finally move on. Live is hard as it is, and having a past like mine haunting me everyday is too much to bear. I have these weird dreams sometimes that I'm with a perfect girl, I kiss her and then she transforms into my sister. Other times I dream we are together. I think I really need to associate these feelings for someone else.

I just realized something; everyone who has given me advice here is a girl. I guess women know best about dealing with the human heart. I have a question, if I ever manage to find my true love and we get married, should I ever reveal my past? I guess I would need someone I can be truly honest with and I'm just tired of hiding secrets.

[sophiaadam]

you need to think about success and how to build your future