Need relationiship advice PLEASE

[jon123456789]

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I started going out with this girl when I was 16 (she was 14). We went out for 4 years, and broke up because of something she did. After 3 years we got back together. In those 3 years she was out there meeting plenty of guys and went out with one for 3 months. He left her and we started going out almost immediately after that. Let me just say that she's very religious and isn't out there screwing every guy she finds. We're actually both still "waiting" til marriage. And she didn't even kiss the guy she dated for 3 months (according to her). But please keep in mind that her being religious doesn't mean she's honest. I'm atheist and trust me, I am a much more honest person than her. Another thing to note, we live 1.5 hours away from each other and I go visit her almost every Saturday.

Anyways, fast forward 2.5 years into the relationship. We've had our ups and downs. Some serious and some that we can just forget. Recently there were a couple situations that I really don't know how to feel about them.

1. This situation i feel is less serious than the other. I've been going to a university for engineering for quite some years. And recently my grades dropped so much that I got disqualified from the engineering department. This moment has been the worse in my life. If it wasn't for my family's support I think I would have entered a serious state of depression. Now when I finally decided to tell my girlfriend about it, she was completely disappointed and maybe a bit mad. We want to get married soon and yes this was a big setback. But I feel that she should had understood how bad I felt. Plus, I don't feel she's in any position to criticize me since she never even tried going to a college or university. Then after a few months of me going to different schools and asking around, I finally received good news that there was a chance that I could get accepted at another school and transfer most of my classes there. You have no idea how happy I felt at this moment. I was being given a second chance and I was extremely happy. Only bad thing was that I would start school in about 8 months. But to me that didn't matter as long as I would be able to finish school. Now when I told my girlfriend this "great" news, she just said, "in 8 months?!" and that was about it. Once again she was disappointed.

2. This situation happened just yesterday. I had just arrived to her house from a 2 hour long drive. I was in the kitchen with her and her sister. And her sister ( which recently got with a guy that has a lot of money, but is a complete asshole that most likely cheats on her, which everyone knows but she doesn't seem to care because he has money) started talking about the places they eat and and places they've been. Now, at the moment I'm unemployed and don't have the money to be going out to fancy places or to do fun stuff. And for the past 2 years, I've been trying to please her by taking her out to "semi- fancy" places as much as possible to the point that I am now $4k in debt. And while her sister talked about how she does fun stuff with her bf, my girlfriend says "you're so lucky, we always eat at the same cheap places." At this point I was like wtf?! seriously?! But I kept my composure because her sister was there. THen the sister talks about how they do fun stuff (all of which costs a bit), and my girlfriend again opens her mouth and says "how fun we always do the same boring things" and gives me a mean look. So I wait til we leave and in the car I tell her that what her problem is and that she should get with a guy that could do all those things. Well we got very close to breaking up. She kept saying I took it the wrong way, but after a good while of arguing she admitted she messed up and apologized. But now I'm going to feel so awkward going out with her. Now I know that everything i've done bored her and no restaurant i've taken her pleased her. And she argues with me saying she's going to feel awkward having me take her out because she now knows i'm broke.

As of now, we are supposedly in good terms. We watched a movie after the discussion at home and had a good time. But I just can't stop thinking about that whole situation and I feel like a complete dumbass for putting up with this. I have nobody to talk to about this and even if i did I would feel so embarrassed to do so please give me your opinions on what should i do or tell her. Or if i'm blowing this out of proportion..

I know some are going to say to get a job, and i will but i have nobody to help me get a decent job. All i'd be able to get at the moment is most likely an $8/hr job. I did learn how to use solidworks in school and I am studying more in depth on my own so I could get a drafting job. I just feel that a $8/hr job would be a waste of time. So my plan is to learn SW a bit more and in a few weeks start applying for that. I already have the background knowledge (math, eng, etc) so I think that's my best option.

[smackie9]

A man's worth is not about how much he makes but how much effort he is willing to put into the relationship. I suggest you have a talk with your GF about short term and long term goals. If they are not suitable for her then she is going to have to make a decision.

I truly believe the man shouldn't be the one to open his wallet for everything. I don't think it's YOUR responsibility to take her to fine dining. If she wants fine dining maybe she can dish out the cash for it for once. The reality is there are not a lot of available men who have a big wallet, and if she thinks she deserves to have a man like that she better be damn good looking. If not it's not going to happen for her ever anyways.

[smackie9]

To add, I have a question.....if she is so set on such a lifestyle, what is SHE doing to make it happen? Is he getting a uni degree so she can have a career that makes 6 digit salary? IMO it takes two to tango in a relationship, emotionally and financially.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just work on getting your degree, dating plenty of women in a casual mode and let this one go? She sounds like a gold digger as well as someone that can NEVER be pleased. I have a feeling that even if you were a millionaire, she'd find fault in you in some other manner.

She's not a good LIFEmate for you. There are so many down to earth women that would be better suited to you then she is. I believe the only reason you're both together is because you've practically grown up together and you're afraid do let her go for good. You've not even had sex with her after all this time. What will you do if you find you've ended up with a person that's only looking for financial prestige and is totally and miserably sexually incompatible with you? What a horrible life that will be for you.

Get your degree that you've gone to school for "a very long time" to get and forget being in anything serious with anyone for the time being is my advise.

[jon123456789]

You guys have no idea how grateful I am for your responses. I really have nobody to talk to about this.

It still seems weird for me to think of her being a gold digger, but usually only a 3rd neutral person can really see things right, so maybe i've been wrong about her all this time.

Smackie - No, she's' not doing anything right now. She'll usually feels really bad because she hasn't done anything with her life. And she wants to get a job, but she's a very nervous person and hasn't been able to get her driver's license, and most jobs require a license. Right now she babysits one of her family's kid and gets paid very little. I dont' want to get into too much detail, but she currently lives with a family member while her immediate family lives outside the country. And what has always been a red flag to me is that the little money she gets paid, she always just throws it all away on nice clothes or random stuff. She knows she's on her own right now and she already realized she has a spending problem but she just can't stop. She will offer to help me pay for food when I take her out but I never let her because for the same reason of her being on her own.

Wakeup - I really am not that kind of person though. I'm just one of those relaxed guys that would rather do fun stuff outdoors or even at home than going out to parties or social gatherings. That's one of the reasons why I thought she was perfect for me.

Thanks again you guys, if you have any more advice it's greatly appreciated.

Btw, she text me this morning in a regular manner and she noticed I was serious. I let her know that i was up all night thinking and she just responded, " omg you see you're the one that always starts problems, i'll talk to you later." I knew she would respond like this. But what i was really expecting was for her to say that she was sorry or something of that sort, since she is the one that really screwed up.

[michelle23]

I think she is disappointed that you can't get married yet and all these stupid comments are passive aggressive ways of her letting you know shes still p**sed about it..

Can you sum up your relationship? Tell us the good (why you love her) and the bad (why you are considering breaking up with her)

Do you want a housewife? Coz that is what your gonna get with this one. She has no ambitions other than to get married and have kids with a nice house and a husband bringing home the money (which she will likely want to control).. shes religious and v traditional. That works for some people which is fine but does it work for you? Will you be happy? Or would you rather a more equal, modern relationship?

Another issue is no sex until marriage.. have you done anything sexual? (Like touching or oral). If no, I would be really worried that a) she has no sex drive, b) you will be sexually incompatible and c) you will have a sexless marriage..

You should at least have regular sexual contact until marriage if she wont have sex. That is the only way to know if she even likes intimacy and whether you like similar things in bed

[basilandthyme]

Btw, she text me this morning in a regular manner and she noticed I was serious. I let her know that i was up all night thinking and she just responded, " omg you see you're the one that always starts problems, i'll talk to you later." I knew she would respond like this. But what i was really expecting was for her to say that she was sorry or something of that sort, since she is the one that really screwed up.

On top of everything else, this should have been a dealbreaker for you.

In the first place, you DIDN'T understand the conversation with her sister wrong. There really is no other way to understand what she said. And as for her being nasty about your university stuff, she really deserved to be brought down a peg or two. In your shoes, I would have trouble holding back on the fact that she's in no place to criticise me.

Anyway, the stuff she said about you always starting problems shows that she's unable to reflect on how her behaviour will affect others. And without this trait, she will not grow and learn from her mistakes.

I think the best breakup line for you will be "You have made it clear that I can't give you what you need, so I'm ending it".

[michelle23]

Yes but IF you end it-you gotta be strong and dont run back when you get lonely or feel insecure etc and dont let her cry her way back either.. if you end it-its over and you gotta stick to that decision so make sure its the right one. Its pointless bouncing back and forth-that just gives her more power

[smackie9]

You need to not play into her manipulation. You have every right to be upset with her about it. You should tell her that the truth has come out, BUT it's not YOUR fault that she is making very little money, that she has no ambition to get a career, and she's pissed that her sister is living the good life because she is whoring herself to some dude with a big wallet. If she comes groveling back, you give her some ultimatums. That you will not be paying for things like you have before, that she needs to get serious about finding a damn job or she's out. The meal ticket is gone. I say stand your ground, and mean it. Her attitude needs to change.

[Mattiemae]

Fortunately, the best thing you can do is detach yourself from her and take time out for you if that sounds like a healthy thing for you. Why I say this, is because your college education is your life and effects the rest of your life financially. Fortunately your focus should be on that, and of course she's not aware of how her drama effects the outcome.

It really forces her to take responsibility for her emotions and feelings. It forces her to take responsibility for her actions and behavior. Time away will only give you both clarity. There is nothing written in stone. So their is no right or wrong answer. But it gives you time to figure out what you truly want in your life and her. While you have had a relationship for a very long time, being younger you really do have to figure out alot about life. Why am I saying this, because when I was at the same age as you, I did the same thing. He was in engineering, and went to college. I was in my emotional drama and needed to take responsibility for my life. Fortunately the best thing he did for me was walk away. We never got back together, but we are with the right people now that are a better match for us. So everything happens for the best in our lives. We may fear letting go at the time, but sometimes it is necessary. I've also experienced where I let go, and reconciled. What is meant to be will be and what isn't will not be. You really have to trust yourself and know what resonates in your heart.

By letting go it doesn't mean you don't care or don't love her. Sometimes when you really love someone you have to look at the Bigger Picture, not the small one in the moment. Love asks us to do what is best for ourselves and others. Ask yourself at this point in time what is best for both of you at this moment in time.

[jon123456789]

Thank you guys so much. This forum is truly amazing and i'm extremely grateful for all your help guys. And sorry for writing so much. I'm bad at expressing myself so i really need the space to make sure i'm getting everything right.

I think she is disappointed that you can't get married yet and all these stupid comments are passive aggressive ways of her letting you know shes still p**sed about it..

Can you sum up your relationship? Tell us the good (why you love her) and the bad (why you are considering breaking up with her)

Do you want a housewife? Coz that is what your gonna get with this one. She has no ambitions other than to get married and have kids with a nice house and a husband bringing home the money (which she will likely want to control).. shes religious and v traditional. That works for some people which is fine but does it work for you? Will you be happy? Or would you rather a more equal, modern relationship?

Another issue is no sex until marriage.. have you done anything sexual? (Like touching or oral). If no, I would be really worried that a) she has no sex drive, b) you will be sexually incompatible and c) you will have a sexless marriage..

You should at least have regular sexual contact until marriage if she wont have sex. That is the only way to know if she even likes intimacy and whether you like similar things in bed

Michelle, I can't take your advice since her name is Michelle. I'm playing, thank you for responding
Yes she really is mad about that. Mostly since she's living with her grandparents and gets treated bad there. She's told me many times that she wishes she had a job to get a out of there. Or that we get married soon and live together. And I always tell her that I need more time because otherwise we would be renting a place a living paycheck to paycheck. And she always tells me that it's fine and that's how everyone starts off. But that's really not how I had planned to live and i'm fine with living that way, but i just rather wait a bit longer because I feel we are going to end up having to come live at my parents, and i rather not.

The good: - I feel we are very compatible, i know her family and get along with them pretty well, she's beautiful, she loves me as much as I do ( well, i thought she did until these past situations)
The bad: - I feel she doesn't love me anymore (you'll see why i think that when i write about yesterday's argument), her comment about how she gets bored with me (which she assures i took the wrong way, but when I asked her what was the right way of understanding it she said she didn't know) and because during this whole argument she has tried to break it all off about 3 times. Yes i know your thinking I should have just let her end it, but she would try to end it by saying, " ok I'm a bad person and you don't deserve to be treated like that so i'm ending it" but I would respond by saying that if she wanted to end it, to say it was because she didn't want to be with me, not for my own good because I would decide whether she was good for me or not. The reason I did this was because last time I broke up with her, she made it seem like she was the victim, so when we got back together everyone thought of me as the jealous/problematic boyfriend.. Even part of my family since our families have friends in common. And one time her cousins told me what she used to say about me so I explained the whooole situation of why i broke up with her and then they realized I had more than enough reason to be jealous and break up.

Yes i'm ok with having a housewife. She always says she wants to work when we're married, and I always tell her that it's fine, but once we have kids that she should stay home. But she does say she wants to help me. Sorry if i made it seem like she didn't in the first post. I'm very bad at expressing myself. And I'm actually OK with having a traditional relationship. We do have plenty of sexual things. Every time there is an opportunity we do. And we've been close to having sex a few times but neither of us want to risk having a kid before we're ready.

On top of everything else, this should have been a dealbreaker for you.

In the first place, you DIDN'T understand the conversation with her sister wrong. There really is no other way to understand what she said. And as for her being nasty about your university stuff, she really deserved to be brought down a peg or two. In your shoes, I would have trouble holding back on the fact that she's in no place to criticise me.

Anyway, the stuff she said about you always starting problems shows that she's unable to reflect on how her behaviour will affect others. And without this trait, she will not grow and learn from her mistakes.

I think the best breakup line for you will be "You have made it clear that I can't give you what you need, so I'm ending it".

Thank you! I really wanted to make sure i wasn't misunderstanding or overreacting about that comment. I've always tried to be polite about her situation of not going to school, but I'll be sure to bring it up if there is another argument.

Sometimes I kind of do feel like i always start the arguments all over.. Like yesterday we were fine already and I brought it up once again. It's just that I wasn't comfortable with what i had told her. I just wanted to get it all out and i felt like her apology was not sincere. And i told her this and she said it was. Please help me out with this also, because i don't know if it's good for me to feel this way, but I felt like she needed to beg me to forgive her. Well not really beg but it's just that during all of yesterday's arguing, she was never submissive. She would always argue back. Everytime we used to argue when she did something bad, she would end up crying about it and this time she didn't cry at all. That's part of the reason why i feel she just doesn't care anymore. Please tell me if i'm doing bad.

Yes but IF you end it-you gotta be strong and dont run back when you get lonely or feel insecure etc and dont let her cry her way back either.. if you end it-its over and you gotta stick to that decision so make sure its the right one. Its pointless bouncing back and forth-that just gives her more power

Yea if we do breakup, that will be t he end of it. But i don't think we'll be arguing again. That's if i overcome the urge of telling her more of how i feel.

You need to not play into her manipulation. You have every right to be upset with her about it. You should tell her that the truth has come out, BUT it's not YOUR fault that she is making very little money, that she has no ambition to get a career, and she's pissed that her sister is living the good life because she is whoring herself to some dude with a big wallet. If she comes groveling back, you give her some ultimatums. That you will not be paying for things like you have before, that she needs to get serious about finding a damn job or she's out. The meal ticket is gone. I say stand your ground, and mean it. Her attitude needs to change.

If it comes up again, I will tell her everything without holding back. Seriously right now I think i'm already in the position of giving her ultimatums, but it's not like that. The whole argument was about her being mad about me bringing it up again. And i kept telling her that how is it now my fault for bringing it up if she's the one that messed up the day before. But then she kept arguing the same thing without really taking in what i was telling her. She just kept saying that why did i say it was fine the day the before and now i was mad about it again. So we kept arguing, and i kept telling her she messed up, and she said she had already apologized, then i said that she always wants me to forget completely just because she apologized. Then she said that I think she's a bad person bla bla and that she was going to do me a favor and end it. So at this point i really wasn't ready to end it, so I came out with the truth about how I'm in debt trying to please her and how bad i felt when she complained about where i take her to eat. And that that's what i wanted her to realize. So instead of saying sorry again, she just started asking how much i owe and she's going to help me pay it. So i told her i just wanted to let her know everything i did for her, and if she still wanted to end it to go ahead. And she kept saying she wanted to help me pay off the debt (i didn't tell her how much btw). Then i told her to ignore the money. That i didn't tell her because i wanted her to pay me, i just wanted her to see everything i went through for her and i wanted her to decide whether to break up or not. and she said no. But i kept telling her that i did not want her if she was staying just because i owed money because of her and she said no. SO after this we both calmed down and started trying to straighten things out. Later that night we talked over the phone and tried to be as normal as possible. She just told me that I should have told her before, that way we wouldn't be going out as much. Then she showed me a website she found where we can watch movies and started talking about different movies we could watch together at her grandmother's house. So i plan on just spending our time how we would have in the beginning, and stop going out so much and see how that goes. Hopefully if she really is a "gold digger" she will show it soon. But i think a few months of not going out so much will be good enough to know whether money really is that important to her.

Fortunately, the best thing you can do is detach yourself from her and take time out for you if that sounds like a healthy thing for you. Why I say this, is because your college education is your life and effects the rest of your life financially. Fortunately your focus should be on that, and of course she's not aware of how her drama effects the outcome.

It really forces her to take responsibility for her emotions and feelings. It forces her to take responsibility for her actions and behavior. Time away will only give you both clarity. There is nothing written in stone. So their is no right or wrong answer. But it gives you time to figure out what you truly want in your life and her. While you have had a relationship for a very long time, being younger you really do have to figure out alot about life. Why am I saying this, because when I was at the same age as you, I did the same thing. He was in engineering, and went to college. I was in my emotional drama and needed to take responsibility for my life. Fortunately the best thing he did for me was walk away. We never got back together, but we are with the right people now that are a better match for us. So everything happens for the best in our lives. We may fear letting go at the time, but sometimes it is necessary. I've also experienced where I let go, and reconciled. What is meant to be will be and what isn't will not be. You really have to trust yourself and know what resonates in your heart.

By letting go it doesn't mean you don't care or don't love her. Sometimes when you really love someone you have to look at the Bigger Picture, not the small one in the moment. Love asks us to do what is best for ourselves and others. Ask yourself at this point in time what is best for both of you at this moment in time.

Thank you. I really have decided to make school my priority now. It wasn't so before, that's why i ended up being disqualified, but trust me, that whole situation has gotten my priorities very straightened out. I've even decided to go through all my books to make sure I'll do good in 8 months when I'm back.

I think you and everyone else is right about just letting go, but to be honest, I really don't feel like I can right now. Right now I feel that my life is as low as it will ever be, and i'm just not capable of letting go and having something else to be down about. I'm just going to give it this one last shot. I think if this will be an issue when we get married, it should come up at least once more in our current relationship and i'll be able to catch it and let go of her.

Thank you guys once again. Seriously you guys have no idea how grateful I am towards your responses.

And sorry for writing so much, but i have another question. If i do stay with her now, should i never bring it up again? It's just that i feel like i should have told her much more. I even feel like showing her all of your responses to see what she thinks. But then again she'll probably just say to leave her because she's a bad person. But i'm hoping she'll say she's very sorry and that she would change. Like right now i feel like asking her why she never said she would change instead of trying to break it off. But this just leads to the question of whether she truly loves me or not. And I did ask her to completely honest and tell me whether she loved me or not, and she said yes. Or do you think i should just forget about this fight and see if it arises on its own again?

EDIT- let me just add.. (you'll probably laugh at this) i'm writing this at 5am because i actually had a dream that we were at her grandma's and she was packing her stuff because she was going to live with a guy she hooked up with. I woke up and felt like complete dog poop. I think i was even shaking a bit because i was so mad lol oh man... well atleast I won't be that surprised if it does happen.

Ok well time to get out. I hope you guys have a great day. Thanks!

[Mattiemae]

Always better to leave the past behind and the future where it is and live in the present. Now is really where you create the future by the way you interact with each other.

[smackie9]

Dude she's not a gold digger at all. If she was a gold digger she would be going out of her way to date a man that has a 6 figure income with cars, boats, and houses. Or chasing down a doctor or lawyer at fancy cocktail parties. But since she just sits at home and babysits she is no way anywhere near that caliber to be one.

I feel the true issue here is communication. You have made the right steps to get it all out on the table by setting your ego aside and telling her the truth. You both have a long road ahead of you to learn how valuable communicating with each other is, so far it's starting to work so keep it up.