We've both made mistakes, need advice

[Harp]

TLDR: Me & my bf have both hurt each other. He hurt me again very bad recently by calling girls sexy on Facebook and asking for their numbers. He says he only did that because he was drunk and upset at me for what I was putting him through. I told him he's out of chances but he's begging for me back saying he will go to couples therapy. We have a 4 month old daughter. I don't know what to do. Skim below for more details.

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Alright well it begins when me and "C" met. I was 17, very naive and innocent, and was just starting to date guys. C wanted to date me and I reluctantly said yes. I broke up with him a lot because I was scared of dating. I was so new to the dating game and would only say yes to guys because I felt bad telling them no, and then eventually I'd break up with them 2 weeks into dating. It was the same thing with C, except he didn't just give up on me like the others. Every time I'd break up with him he'd ask why and keep asking to get back together so I'd say yes again.

Also before this time I had a friend called "B". I had a serious crush on B as well and told him I wanted him to take my virginity because he was my friend and I didn't want to be hurt by someone else who would "hit it and quit it". Of course B said yes, but he ended up moving out of state. Then I started dating C, but we had one of our break ups. B actually moved back the day C and I broke up. He found out we broke up and came to my house asking about the virginity thing. I told him I'd changed my mind and no longer wanted to do it. I felt really bad and like I was cheating on C, because I knew we would probably get back together. I kept telling B no, but he started pushing me on my bed whenever I'd try to get off. I got scared and finally just agreed. After this I told C what happened. He didn't talk to me for a week and then finally he talked to me again one day. I went to his house and ended up sleeping the night, if you catch my drift. We began dating again and this time I felt more comfortable staying with him.

The first year of our relationship was hell for me. I quickly learned C was extremely controlling, jealous, disrespectful, and would degrade me often. I was living with him when he started doing this. He was also drunk everyday. He always thought I was talking to guys or looking at guys. I was pretty much under his control the first year. I would break up with him a lot but would feel bad for him when he'd beg for me back a day later, promising change.

Change finally did come when he ended up nearly dead in the hospital from drinking so much. He was throwing up for 2 weeks straight and his anxiety prevented him from going to the doctor. Finally one day he decided to go. We were in the emergency room when I watched him have a seizure. It scared me so bad. He was so extremely dehydrated it caused him to get surgery for a hole in his esophagus, a tracheotomy, and a feeding tube in his stomach. In the hospital his brother gave me his phone, and I found out through his Facebook linked to it that he had been cheating on me with another girl. I was devastated and wanting to break up with him. His mother and sister made me feel guilty and said I was wrong for doing this to him. They blamed the alcohol for the cheating and said I should give him another chance. I felt extremely bad for thinking about breaking up with him while he was nearly dead so I decided not to, but I did get mad enough to talk to B again, which I agreed I wouldn't do very early on in me and C's relationship. Once C woke up from the ICU and was more stable I ended up telling him I found out about the cheating and I got very mad so I talked to B. He stopped talking to me the rest of that night, but wanted me to stay in the hospital with him so I did, and we didn't talk about it again until he got out.

The first few months he denied the cheating, saying his ex gf hacked him and said those things. I said that was ridiculous and didn't add up at all. I stayed with him because I kind of felt like I deserved it for what I did with B the first time. Finally maybe a year after I found out about the cheating, he started saying he didn't remember cheating on me. He was very drunk and had a seizure so he didn't remember. C stopped drinking for the most part and wasn't controlling and degrading anymore. He was still quite jealous and we both agreed not to talk to the opposite sex. He still gets drunk occasionally which infuriates me because of what he put me through. Also for the rest of our relationship I pretty much turn into the controlling jealous psycho one. The roles get reversed and I fight with him a lot about him cheating, even though I said I would try to move past it.

So a year later after the hospital I get pregnant with our daughter. I find out 5 months into the pregnancy he had a Facebook he was hiding from me. I KNEW in my heart he was flirting with girls on it, even though I didn't get a chance to see. I started thinking suicidal thoughts so I get sent to like a mental hospital where other depressed people were. We did group counseling and things like that. I got out 5 days after. The whole time C was begging for another chance. We had a month or two long break then got back together. I made it clear to him the next time he lies or hides ANYTHING we were done for good. I had my daughter a few months later and we went home, now living with my grandmother.

Once home he was going to his neighborhood everyday to talk to his family. He said he couldn't help that he was close to his family and I told him well you have a family now that you wanted and hardly spend time with us. Now, this last month of January he suddenly decides he doesn't want to live with me anymore because he "gets blamed for everything here". His excuse made no sense but I didn't really care. He had begun to really get on my nerves for never spending time with me & the baby so I stopped caring. I also started telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore because I thought he was either cheating on me or going to.

So finally my sister tells me the other day "hey did you know C has a fb again"? Why no, I did not! I hack into his fb and find messages from the first time I found his fb and also some recent ones. I freak out and tell him we're done. He swears up and down he never cheated and he only messaged his exes and called some girls sexy because he was drunk and upset at me for wanting to break up with him recently. I went through the messages again and I actually think he's telling the truth because of the dates and in one message he even told a girl who was straight up asking for sex "I have a gf".

Now I'm sitting here and don't know what to do. I don't know if I should believe him. I know we hurt each other and he said he will go to couples therapy with me if that's what it takes. He's again begging for one last chance. He says he will never take another sip of alcohol even if I wanted to get drunk and he's going to stop going to his neighborhood because of all the bad people there. He says he realizes now the alcohol and being in that neighborhood is ruining his life. He swears he only messaged those girls when he was upset at me and drunk. He said he wants to get a job, buy a house for us, and start doing right. He said he wants to start over on a clean slate and neither of us will ever again mention the bad things we did to each other. He said if he messes up again and drinks, talks to girls, lies, or hides anything that I can break up with him and we'll be done.

Sooo, what do I do?

[michelle23]

You are still acting like two silly teenagers and it is time to grow up. You have a child now, you are a mommy so enough is enough. Bringing this dysfunction on her is selfish of you both as parents and she deserves so much better than this. This man has promised to change a thousand times but what you see is what you get. He is selfish, destructive, dysfunctional, an addict, a liar, a cheat and the cherry on top ABUSIVE. He fluffs you up with flowery words because it works. He sees you as a doormat and he doesn't respect you. Why would he? You break up with him constantly, make empty threats, tell him a thousand times "the next time I wont forgive" but then you do. He is not going to change. You need to wake up here and stop letting this man drag you down. He was cheating on you whilst pregnant which caused you to end up in a psychiatric facility due to the stress and trauma. You could have lost your baby. If that isn't enough motivation to make you wise up and smell the coffee, then I don't know what is.

He is all you have known. Your first love but this isn't love-it is dysfunction at its worst and its time to stop letting him manipulate you. He can't be trusted and he throws out every excuse in the book which you keep falling for. Work on your self esteem, boost your confidence and realize you are better than this. He cannot use what happened with C at the beginning of the relationship as an excuse to treat you this way. He chose to forgive you so therefore he doesn't get a free pass and you have given him like 10.

End this now and stop letting him manipulate you. This man will never be faithful to you-not in a million years

[lost_man]

well said^