New relationship advice

[Cj0115]

I need sane advice! Haha. I just met a great guy less then a month ago. I am scared of relationships and feel that my "picker" is way off. This guy is different. We were going to wait to have the kids meet, but we ended up going to the movies and they met. It went fantastic.

So my question is I feel that I am developing feelings quick. I was married twice and both marriages came quick. How do I develop a long lasting relationship. I do not want to go quick but this so feels right and natural. I do not want to mess this relationship up and afraid of letting down walls. His divorce just became final. His ex wife cheated on him so part of me is scared that he could be emotionally off right now.

Thank you.

[4 ratties]

just keep communication open and be true to yourself

[Boisdevie]

Since you have two failed marriages behind you I'd do some serious thinking - just why do you have a poor track record, are you going to make the same mistake again or have you resolved your previous problems. Going too quick - what's forcing you to do this?

[TheEvilJester]

Rushing a relationship is never a good idea. When it comes right down to it, if it is the real thing, and it is meant to be, it will be. If it is meant to be, then it isn't going to be any less meant to be if you take your time and get to know each other for a good while before taking it more seriously. At the same time, I'm not saying drag things on forever. I'm just saying, better to learn to take things slowly and let them naturally progress. Then, if things are truly meant to be they will happen. If they are not meant to be, you won't have gotten yourself in so deep, so at least the hurt will be a little less.

Trust me, I know how hard that can be. I am something of a hopeless romantic type myself. I mean, Hell, when I get a really good friend, it is sometimes hard for me not to get really attached very quickly. But, I've learned that about myself and learned to balance it with my intellectual side, not allowing myself to "crazy" on the person too much (LOL) or get too attached. I haven't had a lot of good people in my life, so when I think I have found one, it is hard for me not to want to hold on. But, often times that is when you wind up finding out the person wasn't so good after all.

So, just take your time and enjoy the relationship. If it is meant to be, nothing in the world will stop it. :-) Good luck.

[Rowen]

Since you have two failed marriages behind you I'd do some serious thinking - just why do you have a poor track record, are you going to make the same mistake again or have you resolved your previous problems. Going too quick - what's forcing you to do this?

^ Agreed. You need to analyze what went wrong in your past before you can truly understand what to do about the present. People seem to not always learn from the past...
Learn from the past, and apply it to the future.

[basilandthyme]

Let's look at the past. With hindsight, what would you have done differently with your two ex husband?

[michelle23]

I recommend you don't move in with this man, plan a wedding or get pregnant within the next 12 months. You can spend as much time together as you like and sleep over at each others houses. There is nothing wrong with that but don't make any major commitments until the honeymoon period is well and truly over, your rose tinted glasses are off and you feel like you know this man and all his warts.

I am a firm believer in "when it all happens too fast, it ends in tears". Lasting couples build a relationship on a strong foundation and KNOW they are compatible before taking big steps. Yes it works out for some people if they rush it but that is rare.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with the advice you have gotten since I was last here. It can be easy early in a relationship to think everything is great and awesome, and the person is your long sought out dream partner in life. All relationships are exciting when they are new. You have to remember that this period will fade. In the right relationship, that is actually NOT a bad thing. That is a good thing. That is when things can truly become real. You are no longer idealizing the person. You see them for who they truly are, faults, good qualities, and everything. They see you the same. If you are both still very much in love at that point, then it is an awesome thing!

Again, if it is truly meant to be, it will still be meant to be when this "honeymoon period" has faded. So, there is no reason to rush the relationship now. As others have mentioned, the fact that you have gone through two divorces should be enough to tell you that you need to at last evaluate those two failed relationships. What went wrong? What did you do wrong? What did they do wrong? What can be done so you can learn and grow from them and have a better chance to succeed this time? Those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. Good luck. I hope this guy turns out to be the man of your dreams. But, just take your time and enjoy it, either way.