Really really need advice. Made a terrible mistake :(

[hav]

Hi All,

I met a girl at university (1 year course) and we started seeing each other. It turned into a 4 year relationship. The relationship wasn't always smooth but we just clicked. During the 4 years there were a few times where we decided to stop seeing each other but our connection just kept pulling us back to each other no matter what. For 2 years she lived in another place and I saw her on weekends mostly.

About a year ago she moved down to London where I was living. We decided to give it a go properly. The issue this whole time was different views of the future, she wanted to buy a house, get married and have kids as soon as I was willing. I couldn't tell her for sure I wanted these things. Needless to say she stuck with me. She must have truly loved me. We had good times and bad times. We got on like a house on fire and sometimes we argued but we loved each other and were as close as anything. The longest time we had been without talking/seeing each other in 4 years was probably 2 weeks.

After a particularly bad phone call I took it as the end of our relationship. I can't remember the exact words but it was definitely over in my mind. I hadn't spoken to her in about two weeks I think then I was drunk and hooked up with someone. It was a mistake. Im always honest and told her when we resumed talking. She was devastated but things got better when I went to see her for her birthday a few weeks after and we kissed. We slept together soon after but both agreed to end things regardless. She still loved me.

During the following weeks I still stayed in touch with her, saw her occasionally - she didn't think this was helping us but I missed her. I was trying to move on. I'd heard she had started seeing someone. I slept with two more girls but it was empty and meant nothing. I instantly regretted both.

The whole time I had an underlying sense that this was a massive massive mistake to break things off but I ignored it. As I spent less time with her I realised what a complete and utter error I was making and how much I loved her. I gradually started being friendly to her - again she suggested she was seeing someone and that I should try to move on. By this point I had no doubt in my mind that I had to let her know she was the one. A twist of fate meant her flight back home was cancelled on xmas eve and I offered to pick her up. It was like old times. She kissed me and we ended up kissing in bed. I was so so happy.

Over the next few days I pushed it too much over messaging her. She was acting very weird towards me. When she came back from abroad I went over to confess my love. It was going well and we were cuddling when we started talking about the other guy. Then she asked how many girls I'd been with. I said for her to guess and she said 3. I said 2. She then flipped out and tried to kick me out. I was distraught. I told her I wanted children with her, wanted to move in with her - a complete turn around to my hesititation before.

Over the next few weeks I acted like a complete idiot. Doing everything I shouldn't have done. Wrote her letters, sent her flowers, turned up near where she lives, messages, emails etc. It was completely stupid and probably pushed her more towards this other guy. It culminated in her texting my mum and telling her she had deeply loved me and was concerned about me and the fact I wouldn't let her move on. I haven't messaged her since this apart from saying I didn't mean to upset her just show her how much she means to me. She kept responding I was the agent of my own demise and to let her be happy and that she was really happy.

I realise that I should have made my intentions clear that I wanted to try again and things would be completely different this time. And then left her to decide, not pressure her.

I'm going abroad for 6 weeks in less than 2 weeks. We've never been apart that long. My plan is to see what the situation is when I return. If she is happy then I will leave it alone. I know she loves me...can she really be 'really happy' with this new guy?

What would you recommend I do? I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I realise it is no longer in my hands to change how she is thinking. Thanks

[smackie9]

Leave her alone.....

[hav]

Leave her alone.....

Forever? I know she loves me. I seriously would not try if I didn't truly believe that.

[smackie9]

Not leave her alone....if she changes her mind she knows where to find you. That is all you can do.

BTW she may love you but she isn't IN love with you. That might be why she struggles with letting go.

[hav]

Not leave her alone....if she changes her mind she knows where to find you. That is all you can do.

BTW she may love you but she isn't IN love with you. That might be why she struggles with letting go.

Thanks for the replies.

How can you tell? The last time I saw her I asked her to tell me she didn't love me anymore and she couldn't do it. I can't understand how she can have another guy in her life when she knows what a mess I am in over her. If I knew she was like this I would do everything to make sure she was okay.

I'm so upset.

[smackie9]

She knew how messed up you are that's why she couldn't do it, knowing it would devastate you more. She has a guy because she has moved on. This is why it ended....your feelings for her and her feelings for you were not the same anymore.

Easy for you to say you would do everything for her if it was the other way around because you are still in love with her and want her back.

Heartbreak is tough, especially when you get the shitty end of the breakup stick. Your emotions are all in a whirl. I doubt her giving any answer would satisfy you, because you are seeing it through all the hurt. Letting go is the best way to make the waves of pain to subside. It's not a time to try to make sense of any of this. You need to set it all aside and focus on healing, try real hard to keep busy, lean on a friend or a family member. You should be getting support from those close to you, to talk it out, maybe go for walks, see a change of scenery...anything to get your mind off of it for at least a few mins. Hey I have been there, waking up and getting hit by the waves of pain.....but it will go away. Times heals all.

[basilandthyme]

How can you tell?

When someone really loves you, they will do what they can to share your life with you

The last time I saw her I asked her to tell me she didn't love me anymore and she couldn't do it.

That's because she knows you're hurting and doesn't want to twist the knife.

I can't understand how she can have another guy in her life when she knows what a mess I am in over her.

Her finding a new guy isn't about you. Do you really expect her to put her life on hold waiting for you to get it together

If I knew she was like this I would do everything to make sure she was okay.

And that's your perogative. But she knows that your happiness is not her responsibility.

[hav]

She knew how messed up you are that's why she couldn't do it, knowing it would devastate you more. She has a guy because she has moved on. This is why it ended....your feelings for her and her feelings for you were not the same anymore.

Easy for you to say you would do everything for her if it was the other way around because you are still in love with her and want her back.

Heartbreak is tough, especially when you get the shitty end of the breakup stick. Your emotions are all in a whirl. I doubt her giving any answer would satisfy you, because you are seeing it through all the hurt. Letting go is the best way to make the waves of pain to subside. It's not a time to try to make sense of any of this. You need to set it all aside and focus on healing, try real hard to keep busy, lean on a friend or a family member. You should be getting support from those close to you, to talk it out, maybe go for walks, see a change of scenery...anything to get your mind off of it for at least a few mins. Hey I have been there, waking up and getting hit by the waves of pain.....but it will go away. Times heals all.

I always see this comment 'Time heals all'. I think that's just a way of saying if you give up on love you will eventually feel better about the fact you gave up and cover it up with someone else. This girl and I have a connection that is so real and powerful that I honestly believe she is only with him because it is helping her block me out and even if she does love me she won't admit it to herself because she feels she is doing the right thing. She is stubborn. She always has been and always will be. Maybe I'm delusional - time will tell. The day I look in her eyes and I don't see it I will leave it alone but right now I'm going to let her have space, go abroad and hope that she realises what I did.

Thanks for the advice.

[hav]

When someone really loves you, they will do what they can to share your life with you


That's because she knows you're hurting and doesn't want to twist the knife.



Her finding a new guy isn't about you. Do you really expect her to put her life on hold waiting for you to get it together



And that's your perogative. But she knows that your happiness is not her responsibility.

I think these answers are the response for when someone has fallen out of love with someone else. I don't believe she has. I have to believe she has the same love for me as I do for her and she will realise whilst I'm away what she is missing.

Thanks for the answers.

[michelle23]

She doesn't want you back because you slept with 3 people. I would be the same in her shoes and I would never come back. It really hurt her and she cant get past it. Next time make sure it is 100% over if your gonna sleep with someone else. Four years is a long time to then just hop onto the next available person. She gave you a chance after the first breakup which was likely a test and you failed TWICE

[hav]

She doesn't want you back because you slept with 3 people. I would be the same in her shoes and I would never come back. It really hurt her and she cant get past it. Next time make sure it is 100% over if your gonna sleep with someone else. Four years is a long time to then just hop onto the next available person. She gave you a chance after the first breakup which was likely a test and you failed TWICE

I did not take time to consider what not being with her meant. I rushed into what I thought I wanted. I agree that it is very unlikely she will forgive me. However I do believe that I can build her trust back. Which is the key to a new relationship.

I'm going to send a short message before I leave for 6 weeks stating that I'm still in love with her and want to spend my life with her. Whilst I'm away I will work on myself. Then when I return I will not push it. I'll be there for her and support her. None of this no contact crap that seems to be around. What we have is too special. I don't see it as getting back together but starting again. Being her friend and then if it happens it happens. I reached a low point yesterday. Today I feel calm as I have a way of moving forward and a steady plan. I accept that it may never happen but I still believe what we have can not be broken.

It will work out how it is supposed to. That is all the comfort I can take from this.

[michelle23]

You are in denial. She is moving on already. She has cut contact and is seeing someone new. Yes it may just be a rebound but that doesn't mean she is coming back. Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. What you HAD was special but its over now. If you did get back together she would always feel insecure knowing you can move on so easily and replace her with a new vagina.. I watch jeremy kyle and see people moving on so quickly after a long term relationship (sometimes with kids involved) and I think to myself "I could never forgive that". The only thing worse than trying to get over someone you love that has hurt you is seeing them with someone else so soon after you.

[hav]

You are in denial. She is moving on already. She has cut contact and is seeing someone new. Yes it may just be a rebound but that doesn't mean she is coming back. Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. What you HAD was special but its over now. If you did get back together she would always feel insecure knowing you can move on so easily and replace her with a new vagina.. I watch jeremy kyle and see people moving on so quickly after a long term relationship (sometimes with kids involved) and I think to myself "I could never forgive that". The only thing worse than trying to get over someone you love that has hurt you is seeing them with someone else so soon after you.

I have no doubt that you are right. She is a brilliant person and I don't deserve her. It doesn't mean I'll give up. Some things are worth fighting for. People made mistakes. It's what makes us human. Life is not black and white. I will always love her. I will always fight for her. I'll post back here when we are back together. Denial or a tiny chance. There is a very thin line.