When do you talk about your past with a guy??

[October]

Kind of unusual situation here, met a guy while traveling overseas and nothing happened apart from just being casual friends but we stayed in touch over the next 10 months and gradually our friendship is getting into the serious zone i.e may be we can date or be more than just friends.

I will be seeing him soon and we both are excited and looking forward to getting together, however we have pretty much spoken about everything re: future, present, likes, dislikes etc etc but never spoken about our past.

I was in a short lived marriage 3 years ago (as in 3 months short) and I have cleared my emotional baggage but have not said anything about my divorce to this person. Have not dated anyone since my divorce at all..

I feel like I am being dishonest with him by not coming clean about the fact that I have been divorced but how do I just spring it upon him? Our getting to know started online after I left the country and now when I meet him, I can't imagine starting conversation by saying Oh by the way I am divorced!

Am I over analysing this; if guys really like someone for who they are now and what they do know of this person, does the fact they are divorce or their past matters? And when do you talk about your past with a guy??

Any insight from you guys will help me get over my turmoil...

[smackie9]

How about over drinks ask him casually "So have you been married before?" as an ice breaker. I'm sure the conversation will flow just fine after that.

I recommend not giving details, just the simple facts.

[smackie9]

btw you are only human....divorce is just part of life. It's not a big deal.

[HDBadger]

Your past is a part of you. If a woman couldn't have an honest conversation with me about her sexual/romantic past, that would be a reg flag.

Also, some guys will consider your prior marriage a deal breaker, so you need to get that out in the open sooner rather than later.

[October]

Your past is a part of you. If a woman couldn't have an honest conversation with me about her sexual/romantic past, that would be a reg flag.

Also, some guys will consider your prior marriage a deal breaker, so you need to get that out in the open sooner rather than later.

200% agree with you and that's why I feel so gnarly about this; don't want to 'not' talk about my past but don't want to scare someone off just because I timed my conversation really badly.
Will probably have to speak up sooner or later and I should atleast have the decency to do it face to face so may be over drinks as Smackie9 suggested as I don't even know what relationship I am with this guy...

[HDBadger]

You seem like a decent person, OP. Seriously, I think you just need to bring it up. I'd admire
a woman who owned her past and said something like, "Just wanted to be straight with you here, I'm divorced."

That may be a deal breaker for him, but who cares? Honestly, if a woman kept something like that hidden, THEN it would be a much bigger deal.

I'm a fan of getting things out in the open ASAP.

[smackie9]

Divorce shouldn't be looked at as something bad, it happens because life happens. Don't bring it up like like if you were in jail for murder, just casually mention it. If divorce was truly a concern to him he would have asked by now don't you think? Stop being so afraid, it shouldn't be a big deal....if it is then it's better to find out now than later, when you invest so much....it would be a waste of your time.

[October]

Divorce shouldn't be looked at as something bad, it happens because life happens. Don't bring it up like like if you were in jail for murder, just casually mention it. If divorce was truly a concern to him he would have asked by now don't you think? Stop being so afraid, it shouldn't be a big deal....if it is then it's better to find out now than later, when you invest so much....it would be a waste of your time.

I guess its fear of being vulnerable and being rejected by someone whom you genuinely have a blast with..I think, when we do meet and if there is something or even a glint of potential relationship then probably that would be the first thing I will lay out 'casually'
Till we meet, will try to keep emotional involvement to minimum for fear that I will be hurt or hurt him.. And to think at 32 I would be any wiser about relationships!!

[October]

You seem like a decent person, OP. Seriously, I think you just need to bring it up. I'd admire
a woman who owned her past and said something like, "Just wanted to be straight with you here, I'm divorced."

That may be a deal breaker for him, but who cares? Honestly, if a woman kept something like that hidden, THEN it would be a much bigger deal.

I'm a fan of getting things out in the open ASAP.

I will let you know in few months time how did he take it, if we both ever come to that stage ..But not laying it out in open is as bad as lying and I don't want that to be framework of any relationship...will keep you posted
In my 30's and I still have relationship issues !!

[Rowen]

I agree that it's best not to be random about this... Better try to make the conversation ease into it like Smackie suggested. And giving too many details will scare him off; there's plenty of room for that as the relationship progresses.

Dave and I, when we were together, hadn't shared absolutely everything till probably a third of the way through our relationship... And we had known one another a few months before we started dating too. :S The key is to remember that it's not lying- it's getting to know one another slowly. You can't share everything at once, or else there's no progress in a relationship. But if you feel you have to tell him, follow your heart.

I hope this helps some..

[October]

I agree that it's best not to be random about this... Better try to make the conversation ease into it like Smackie suggested. And giving too many details will scare him off; there's plenty of room for that as the relationship progresses.

Dave and I, when we were together, hadn't shared absolutely everything till probably a third of the way through our relationship... And we had known one another a few months before we started dating too. :S The key is to remember that it's not lying- it's getting to know one another slowly. You can't share everything at once, or else there's no progress in a relationship. But if you feel you have to tell him, follow your heart.

I hope this helps some..

Rowen; it made sense and helped me to clarify my own doubts..."The key is to remember that it's not lying- it's getting to know one another slowly." This line was my aha moment I guess I was getting confused and unsure how much is too much and especially when we are just friends at the moment.
We have probably just started communicating as good friends and when we meet; we will see 'if' it progresses further.

Without sounding patronizing but all the feedback and comments have been so helpful..Thanks again everyone for taking time to help me out

[Rowen]

Rowen; it made sense and helped me to clarify my own doubts..."The key is to remember that it's not lying- it's getting to know one another slowly." This line was my aha moment I guess I was getting confused and unsure how much is too much and especially when we are just friends at the moment.
We have probably just started communicating as good friends and when we meet; we will see 'if' it progresses further.

Without sounding patronizing but all the feedback and comments have been so helpful..Thanks again everyone for taking time to help me out

Anytime, I'm glad everyone on the forum could help you! Just remember to take it slow and see what happens.

[smackie9]

If things are going great, and he is really diggin ya, if divorce was ever an issue, this time he would probably over look it because he finds you to be a great catch.

Too add, you are in your 30's, a lot of people that are dating at your age are divorced, as the age goes up the numbers increase, so I bet it wouldn't be a surprise to him at all.

[michelle23]

Is this a long distance thing? Realistically is there a future here? Can you trust this man to be faithful if this becomes exclusive when hes in a different country? Will you move to be with him? Will he move to be with you? (That is a HUGE sacrifice for anyone to make-leaving a whole life behind-work, family, friends)

Are you wasting your time here? Could you be wasting time on mr going nowhere when you should be looking for mr right?

Have a think about it coz your not 23, you are 32 and I presume your looking for something stable and long term

[smackie9]

Michelle stop derailing this thread. Totally off topic.