How do I confront my wife, without pushing her away?

[FoolishHusband]

Ok, I'm turning to this forum and the fine folks here for some advice. My story is a long, sad one, but I'll try to keep it concise. The bottom line at the end of it all is that I know some things about my wife cheating on me. We are separated, but this happened before we were separated. I still do want to reconcile though, and she has moments where she does too. I believe that what we have is worth saving. That said, she is still not coming clean fully about these things that happened before we were separated, despite me poking and prodding a bit. I want to come clean that I know these things, and get them out in the open, because there is no chance for us if she cannot open up and be honest with me. At the same time, I know that if I reveal that I, yes, snooped on her and found these things out, it may push her away. I know that morally I'm in the right here, but that doesn't necessarily play into matters of the heart and I don't want to anger or ire her at this point while we are still trying to work things out. She's also a runner - pressure from me will not help the situation. Any advice is welcome.

So, here's the details of my situation, if that makes a difference in advice that might be given. Three months ago my wife told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, wasn't attracted to me, and wanted a divorce. When pressed, she admitted that there was another man. She had just met him, randomly, at a gas station and they had started talking, and she was interested in him. She loved me as a friend, but that was it. So, we were separated at that point, but still sharing the home for financial and family reasons (protecting the kids). Fast forward and she tells me she is falling for this guy, they become intimate, and they're planning a future together. Well, except for the fact that he is married too and can't bring himself to leave his wife... So, on a couple of occasions, he ends things with my wife because of that. The second time, she says it's over, and of course entertains the idea of us getting back together. I had been dating, but nothing serious. I still do love her and feel like I was never given a real fair shake at working things out. I understand she has issues, but our failings were a two way street.

Fast forward a week or so again, and it's clear she is not over him and in a way I was a rebound. That said, the divorce is off the table and we are still talking about working things out. She won't stop dating though and dates some other guys, etc. I get jealous, now that I'm thinking again that we might have a future. Before that point, when she was with him I didn't even think about reconciliation because she made it clear she wanted him. Now that I'm thinking about that, I start to wonder about things and do some snooping. I find that she hasn't been honest with me, primarily about him. She met him on Craigslist, not randomly. Maybe he surprised her there, knowing she was going to be there, but they had exchanged intimate emails and text messages, photos, and videos before that. She also has told me that she did not cheat on me...but I know that's not true. She had sex with him before she told me it was over. She told me that they would wait to have sex, etc. until I was in a better place. Two days after she told me, she snuck him into the house and had sex with him while the kids were napping.

So, yeah, pretty bad things. But what is killing me now isn't what she did. I actually understand her better than anyone else. We've been together for nearly 16 years. She's never truly loved herself or had self-confidence. She's tried to fill that with so many things - me, kids, careers, pets, projects, businesses, hobbies - and has never found it. She gained a bunch of weight, no doubt because of these issues, and had weight loss surgery a year ago. She's lost a ton of weight and looks amazing, but still doesn't believe she's succeeded or is beautiful. She is missing something and needs help - therapy, etc. - to get through it. This is just a symptom of that AND years of communication issues with me (and I her, honestly). I was also complacent and didn't realize that I needed to be paying better attention to her. So, after all of this, I still think we can fix things. But I'm stuck at this point. Do I just swallow what I know, knowing that truthfully it doesn't matter - the whats and hows of what she did aren't the issue, but the whys. I'm not sure me forcing her to talk about all of this is going to really help. But at the same time, I just want her to open up and maybe that will get us to the whys of it.

I know that this is complicated, and there are no easy answers. And also that I am probably stupid for wanting to continue to work this out, after all that she has done. But, I do want to try. Any thoughts for me?

[Boisdevie]

That said, the divorce is off the table and we are still talking about working things out. She won't stop dating though and dates some other guys, etc.

For the OP, just take time to reread what you posted here. Sounds to me like she has zero respect for you. And her banging another guy and you're making excuses about her needing therapy - that's laughable because sounds like she thinks she doesn't need therapy - just somebody else's dick.
If you honestly want to work this out then you really are a doormat.
Just ask yourself this - don't you deserve better than this?

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to throw out there that whether or not she slept with him is really neither here nor there. Thing is, she's admitted to seeking solace in the arms of another man, and this is enough for the two of you to work on in counselling. Just focus on the fact that she had gotten to the point of having feelings for another man.

Anyway, this is something which needs to be sorted out in marriage counselling. And first and foremost, you need to start by having her decide one way or another if she wants to save the marriage. Having been in her shoes, I'm not convinced that she really would want to make it work......I'm not sure that feelings can be rekindled once they are lost.

[mollymari]

Dear O.P

16 years is a long time to know the inner workings of your significant other.
As far as her cheating, it will not be easy keeping what you know to yourself but if you truly want to work it out with her, perhaps 'swallowing' this info (for the time being) is the best medicine here. Time will tell.
Won't be easy; but when she is ready, she will tell you herself. Now swallowing your pride is another thing all together but it is possible.

Could be she just needs to feel desirable, to gain that boost in confidence, to know that she still has it going on, as it were.

Never easy when your love strays but more often than not, when the love is real, strong and inspirational, it comes back.

Hold on. Follow your gut.
good luck

[RambleOn]

Tell your wife two things. #1 The married dude will never leave his wife for her. She is living in fantasy land. #2 Tell her to pack her stuff and get out. Its over.

Dude you need to man up and move on. Its over. Start thinking with your head and not your heart.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I read the first line and a half. You are a sorry ass sap. Keep trying to persuade your wife to try again.

[spanz]

Tell your wife two things. #1 The married dude will never leave his wife for her. She is living in fantasy land. #2 Tell her to pack her stuff and get out. Its over.

Dude you need to man up and move on. Its over. Start thinking with your head and not your heart.

Im going with this response. She is a lying slut. Your only chance, since she adores other guys cocks, is an open marriage. BUT open marriages only work IF you already have a very strong and stable marriage. You obviously do not. So send her lying slut butt packing to the street.