Why am I mad, hurt, jealous after my wife tells me she has more experiance then befor

[Red32]

Ok this is going to be kind of long and forgive my spelling and punctuation English not my strongest subject.
I’m a 26 year old male for starters. So my wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years now and everything is/was going great. Technically it still is and I’m doing a good job of hiding it from her until I know what I’m going do about it.

But anyways one day on a car ride back home from a trip she randomly tells me we need to talk. And tells me she feels guilty because we had a talk back when we first started dating about past relationships and experiences. Now neither one of us was a virgin when we started dating but I had only been with 1 other person and her around 5. And here is the thing, I was completely fine with her being with other people besides me. I knew that it would be next to impossible to find someone exactly like me in that regard. And some of the people she had been with were friends of mine. One of them my best friend at the time. But it did not bother me, I was able to get over it and I was happy that she told me everything.

But again on this ride back home she tells me she was with another 6-9 people, she never really gave me a real number. Now what I mean by this, there was no real sex but she said it was oral and anything you could do without it being considered sex. THIS BOTHERED ME WAY WAY MORE THEN HER ACTUALLY BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HAVING SEX. I don’t know why and it is killing me. She says she regrets everything and that I’m the only one for her and all that and I thought I would get over it and accept it, but I’m just getting more upset. And apparently she has been holding this in since we first started dating and never told me when I feel she should have told me. I think that would have made a huge difference in how I’m feeling right now I was able to get over her having sex with other people but I can’t get over this? It doesn’t make since to me either. I know a lot of people will tell me to “leave the past in the past” and “not to worry about it if you love her”. And the thing is I did and trusted her to tell me everything. She knows every detail about my past experiences and relationships and I knew about half, which upsets me so so much. Another problem is, is that she told a male friend of hers about everything she regrets doing but she couldn’t tell the person she was going to marry about it? Again a new wave a feelings and emotions just keep turning round in me and the thing is, I’m really good at not getting emotional or upset about things and keeping a level head when she gets mad or upset and I’m the one that makes these situations better.

I know I’m thinking about this way too much and I know I need to try and drop it. But I feel like I need to go out and make mistakes to even up the score! I never went wild and kept a level head, and now when I find this out I want to go sleep around and not give a crap. Have a threesome and do all kinds of crazy things that I will regret because I stayed grounded and I feel betrayed that she couldn’t trust me until we were married and I’m stuck knowing that I can’t go crazy now and do what she did. It feels like I was played for a fool because I’m a good guy and I know that, she was the first and only girl I said I love you too and she knows that. She saw that and jumped on it and kept things from me until I was trapped. I know I’m one of a kind and that she will never find a person who is as hard to anger as me and understands her like I do. And it sucks knowing that she wants to keep me to herself knowing what she did and not telling me about it until after we were married. I’m not saying I would have done any of the things mentioned above but I don’t know. I did not have all the information at the time.

I know I know how bad I sound about saying that but that’s what I’m feeling and going through. You can judge me all you like and I do want honest feedback. But before you get to the name calling and harassing me just remember you are not me and don’t know who I really am or what I’ve been through in life.

I’m really bad with girls but they hit on me all the time (My wife tells me because I flirt somewhat without knowing and she watches me like a hawk). I know if I wasn’t with my wife I could get with more girls and that only just now came over me with such a fire. I have not slept around and was fine with it until she told me about the extra things she has done. But don’t get me wrong I’m still glad she told me. If she didn’t and I found out a different way I would not be on here trying to find out how to make this work. For me it would have been over. I’m big on trust and honesty and this is where it gets complicated for me. But I feel like she lied and used me and I know I’m being insecure about this and again I need to get over it. But I just need to advice and to know how much I’m over reacting to the whole situation and how I go about making this better for me and her. I do plan on talking with her soon but I just need some advice.
I no longer get along as well with my family before we were married because I wanted to be with her. Long story short my family did not want me to get married but I did anyways. And me and my family fought and fought. My mother passed away before I could truly make things right with her and now my dad no longer treats me the same way as he did before I was married.

This is something that plays a big role in why I’m so hurt and why I want to get with other girls and go crazy I think. I gave up a lot to be with her and I feel that it was the wrong thing to do now. I put a lot of trust in her and thought I knew who she was, now I feel like I have to start all over again and now I feel that it’s just too much and I don’t want too. Again these are my feelings and I’m trying to work them out in a way that makes me feel better and lets me get over this whole issue without doing anything crazy, or anything that would emotionally hurt my wife.

Thanks for reading and for your feedback it will help me out of a hard time. 

[RambleOn]

Dont go on a revenge sex binge Red. Nothing good will come from it. Just more anger and broken trust. Right now you should be trying to rebuild the bonds of trust between you and your wife. I know for us men trust is an issue but for women trust is everything. For a women trust is lust. If you act out in revenge sex you will sever her trust bonds and then you will have bigger issues to deal with. I would just ask her if there is anything else she wants to tell you about from the past and get it all out. Then move on from there. Be honest with her and yourself. You have got to be honest. I would recommend buying the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover. Read it and take it in. Also look at the No More Mr Nice Guy forums. Dr Glover has great insight into these types of issues and understanding female traits, wants and needs. Good luck.

[Valixy]

Your perspective on what you should know about your partner and what you shouldn't is very detrimental, as you can see. There is no need to know how many people she was with or you were with before you met each other. Your young age puts you in disadvantage and you will need to make a big effort to grow up quickly, change some of your concepts in order to save your marriage and your personal happiness.

I can assure you that if you met someone else a few years from now on, you wouldn't even ask these questions. This is just typical paranoia when one is in his twenties. You would look back and regret not being able to disregard this aspect in a woman who totally loves you. You'll not care about this anymore but she won't be there to enjoy your mental freedom and correct appreciation with you. There will be other women, who've also had sex before meeting you with more or less men than you'll suspect, but maybe none of them will be the right one for you.

She loves you, she is with you, she was and still is terribly afraid of losing you, hence the half truth she initially told you and the recent confession, and you need to grow up and to prove to yourself that you are an open minded man who can make the difference between the sexual experiences an imature girl could have before meeting you and the great love YOU have inspired her.

[searock]

We have another one!

OP, I can understand your frustration for finding out about this only after 3 years of marriage. However, given your reaction ("I can accept her sleeping with guys she was in a relationship with but I can't accept her sleeping with guys she wasn't in a relationship with"), I can see why she didn't tell you: you would have gone all judgmental on her and would have become extremely insecure and jealous for absolutely no reason.

Honestly, I think she would have done the right thing by telling you straight away - that way, she wouldn't be married to a judgmental insecure guy right now.

You say that you want to talk to her… what about, precisely? I hope you aren't planning on making her apologize even more for absolutely nothing. You know that she loves you and that she married you, so why the hell are you obsessing over the past? You already decided that you were ok not sleeping with any other woman in your life the moment you said "I do", so why the sudden doubts? What difference does it make whether she slept with other 5 or 100 guys before you? She is with you now, she loves you, she wants nobody else.

[smackie9]

I feel this incident has brought a lot of lost emotions and feelings from your past issues to the surface all at once and it's over whelming you. Your feelings of having a sexual binge in a reaction to being in shock and you are trying to escape it. Everyone is right you need to step back and collect yourself. I suggest you two have a few sessions of couples counseling because there are layers of things other than your wife's sexual past that needs to be addressed.

[Red32]

(RambleOn)
Ya I don't plan on doing that. Those were just my initial reaction feelings. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her or to cheat on her. Thank you for you reply it helps getting a different perspective on the whole thing. I know I am being rash and stupid (I think I mentioned that above) and that's why I'm trying to deal with this myself before I do or say something stupid and ruin a good thing. I will also look into the books.

Thanks again

[Red32]

(Valixy)
I agree completely I needed some constructive criticism. Hence the reason I'm posting on here. I really just wanted some good advice. The reason we talked about the past and how many people we have been with was because I wanted someone with the type of sexual ideals as me, and I don't think this is wrong (but that is my opinion). My thought process behind this was I wanted someone similar to what I have been doing. (can you get mad at a virgin for wanting to be with another virgin?) I know that's not quite the same thing but that was my process behind it. Now don't read to far into that. I love my wife and I'm glad I'm with her and I wouldn't change a thing but it still doesn't change the fact that I perceived my wife in a different light and now I'm upset about it. Hence why she felt guilty and needed to tell me in the first place.

Again thanks for the reply it does help me with wrapping my head around it.

[Red32]

(searock)
My post to Valixy should sum up most of the reply for your post. Not the kind of thing I was looking for in a response, do to the fact that other things were going on and not just me being insecure. If you want to blame me for her " being married to a judgmental insecure guy right now" than that's fine. Again I wouldn't change anything I still love her and I want to work on this. But that still does not change the fact that information was held back till a later time. I much rather of been a "judgmental insecure guy" before being married then one after being married.

[Red32]

(smackie9)
I agree thank you for the post! It does help being told I'm over reacting when I know I am and just trying to get over it.

Thanks again

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This is just typical paranoia when one is in his twenties.

I don't think this is typical at all. The only place I've ever met anyone with this issue is on this forum, and I know plenty of folks in their twenties.


Anyway Red, it is ****ed up that she lied to you, since she obviously knew this was an important issue for you. Now you're married, you're in a really tough spot.

Tell your wife this makes you want to experience other women, and see if she is open to a threesome like you said.

[dickriculous]

I would talk to her about it. There are two things in particular that you need to cover with her.

1) Your reaction and all of your inner turmoil. This, of course, is on you more than anything. There is no need for her to regret her sexual acts in the past and the burden is on your shoulders to overcome whatever demons are making you respond the way you are. It's imperative for you to understand that this aspect of the subject at hand is your problem and you have no right to make it her problem. I think you should be completely honest with her here, admit to your insecurity and let her know that the last thing you want is to put her through the stress of having to deal with your problems, and ask that she try her best to be patient with you while you do your best to get your shit together.

2) The flip side to the above is that she lied to you before you were married and maintained the lie until she got complacent. In no shape or form is it okay to deceive someone and allow that person to propose to you and marry you under that deception. If it were me, even though her number wouldn't bother me, it would take a lot for me to trust her again knowing this. All lies are not equal. There's little white lies, there's big lies, and then there's lies like this that someone leaves looming over your head for YEARS while you make life changing decisions. That's what I'd be REALLY pissed about if I were you. I would make a very clear line here well before the point where she initially stepped over.

You may need to agree on couple's counseling, as smackie said. This whole situation could very well indicate a troubled marriage altogether as opposed to one that would be just dandy if not for this one thing. Even if this is all there is to it, a neutral and professional third party could help the two of you to sort this out.

Best of luck to the two of you OP

[HeartIsAching]

The reason you're having issues is because you're insecure. End of that discussion.

However... after three years of marriage, you find out that she LIED TO YOU. That alone is reason enough to feel insecure. What else has she lied to you about?

My wife and I have been married for almost three years - she's not my first... but goddamn... you should know your spouse inside and out by now. You should know pretty much everything there is to know...

And you don't. Not only do you not know, you no longer know what to trust and what to distrust, and you can't trust her because she lied to you, for three (or more) years.

That's ****ed up.

On the other hand she's come to you with this - voluntarily, which means that she's come to trust you enough to tell you the truth.

So what do you do?

I'm gonna say, TELL HER in no uncertain terms that you're not happy and not comfortable with the fact that she lied to you.

Work on your marriage. Work TOGETHER with her on your marriage. It's fairly obvious that she loves you, else she wouldn't have have had an issue with this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

^^^Agree with dick. I think this is one of the times where counseling actually makes sense.

[searock]

HIA is right, the lie is the (only) thing that should be bothering him. The problem is that he isn't upset because she lied to him, he's upset because she slept with guys without being in a relationship with them.

OP, what you said about wanting to be with a person that shares your ideals regarding sexuality is a very valid concern. The thing is, your wife does share those ideals: she is in a committed exclusive relationship with you, for life (marriage). She may have felt differently once, but now you two are on the same page.

[Red32]

(searock)

I am upset about the "lie". But i am still confused on why it is wrong of me to be upset at anything else. The thing is, she knew i did not normally go out with girls that have a long sexual list of men. Like i said in a reply post above i chose that, i wanted that in a partner and i was "lied" to about it. My whole take on what i wanted from a partner and my wife got turned on its head. Now I'm force to accept she has been with more guys? That just pisses me off so bad. I did not ask her to tell me this. She came me because this has been eating her up inside and shes knows my take on this. Again how am I being that insecure guy. Again like I said before I knew and accepted the people she has been in a relationship with. The only thing at this moment in time that makes me feel better thinking about is either to separate and date more people and see if that makes me feel better so i can equal the score so to speak. Or just leave. Now the reason im on here typing this out is because i believe I am a better person than that and I want to work this out in a way that is not so dire. I want to make this work and figure out a way that she can get my trust back. But this is very hard for me and I need some advice that helps me deal with these thoughts and feelings that are eating me up. I feel used and pisses that she did that when she knew who and what type of person i was and still am. But at the same time i love her and still want to be with her. But there has to be a way i can get over this without feeling like i was just a fool. What keeps going through my head is that she saw the person I was/am knew I would be a good father and husband, purposely hid the information from me knowing full well that this would be something I look down on and said I don't care. I'll marry him, get him to where he cant leave me and that will be that.