Where do I go from here?

[kazza.king]

This is terribly selfish of me. I joined this forum to ask this question. But know that I did it because... I don't know what to do anymore.

About a year ago, I embarked upon the only really meaningful relationship I've ever been in my entire life. Everything paled in comparison. I am selfish, as you can tell, and it was the first time that I wanted to set everything aside in order to be with a person. It was the very first time I've ever really craved being with someone. As ridiculous and cliche as it sounds, it was like I'd never been in a real relationship before that one.

Part of the reason that this person and I bonded so quickly, and so deeply, was because we shared a tumultuous past in regards to anxiety and depression. When he told me he suffered from Major Depressive Disorder, he made it sound like he was confessing something unclean. He was surprised and relieved, possibly even glad, when I replied with my own history of MDD. People transcend their bodies. Fact. So I've got some chemistry issues... I have learned to manage this, and I'm glad to be there for those who are learning to do this same.

And so we fell in love.

Nearly half a year ago, he told me that he no longer felt secure in his day to day life, and was checking into a sort of facility for people with certain mental and physical difficulties. I was... supportive. I understood. I do still understand. I think it miraculous that I've avoided hospitals and the ilk thus far. But we had less than 24 hours to say goodbye. He told me that he'd be able to check his cell phone for voicemails every so often, but beyond that, he would be completely out of touch for a couple of months. I told him how I felt. I told him that I loved him, that he was the most amazing person I've ever met, and that I hoped he found what he was looking for. He's still the only person I've ever said such things to. It wasn't an easy thing to admit. And now it almost feels like I'm paying a price.

It's been nearly six months, and I've heard almost nothing from him. He left me one voicemail after the first month, just telling me that he hoped I was doing well, that he was still institutionalized... I responded with my own message, but there's been nothing since then. Nothing at all.

Over time, I came to the realization that I no longer can even be sure that he's alive.

Most days I'm okay. But sometimes I think about him, and how much I still love him, and how he could be dead and I don't even know that much.

I'm sure it's selfish. It would be better if I could somehow convince myself to no longer care whether or not he's still alive. But not knowing, being in this state, is turning me into a weepy, shuddering wreck.

Please read this post, and please lend me some worldly advice. Where do I go from here?

[vashti]

I don't understand why you would jump to the conclusion that he might be dead, rather than he might have just moved on. If you accept that he just moved on, you can use your anger to propel you forward, wheras concluding he is dead leaves you powerless.

[kazza.king]

I just honestly believe that if he ever left that institution, that he would have contacted me. I was also lead to believe he wouldn't be institutionalized for longer than a couple of months. Now that this has gone on as long as it has, and given the reasons that he checked in in the first place... maybe death sounds extreme to you, but it doesn't to me. I wish he'd just left me. Then, you'd be right. Then, I'd have some kind of power in this situation. Instead, I just feel adrift.

[vashti]

From an outsider's perspective, I would say that it is much more likely he has just moved on. Less dramatic, maybe, but probably true.

[kazza.king]

I hope so. I'm not looking for drama - I'm honestly hoping that he didn't take his own life in those circumstances. What's difficult about it is not actually having that knowledge, or any way to confirm that. Can you imagine that, for a minute? Can you give me any actual advice?

[Hannah123]

Kazza.king I can understand why this must be tearing you apart. Do you have absolutely no way of contacting any of his friends or family ? Presumably he's not at his former address. Was he on any social media sites ? Or is anyone he knew on one ? How about other online sources ? people finder sites. Was he working beforehand ? Are there any links there ?
I imagine you've thought of these things but I'm just trying to come up with suggestions.
Of course Vashti may be right. Your relationship and your issues will have been discussed in counselling. He may have been advised to cut all ties with you for his own well being.

[woody]

Kazza,
REally sorry to read your going through this. Heart goes out to you.
You had strong feelings for this person and now you have no idea if he's alright. The lack of closure isn't helping either..

This will not be easy.
If you have no way of searching out where he went ( the institution) or family members you can call (his) to gain knowledge, your on your own here and there's no way to sugar coat it, it's going to continue being tough and unfortunately only time will ease this pain. I'm so sorry.
You can only hope that he is alive and well and one day, perhaps, he will get in touch.
Letting go is never easy

again, sorry your going through this. Sounds really rough. best wishes to you and yours

[Boisdevie]

It's a tough call this. Is the guy still in the loony bin, has he been let out but lost his phone?