Boyfriend doesn't want children - advice please

[xonip]

Hi,

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28 we have been together just over 3 years. We met as housemates when we were 24/25 in a shared house and got together 1 month after i moved in. After 4 months we moved out and got our own flat. We get on so well, from day one we were so comfortable with each other being completely open and talking about everything. Its funny we say we are the female/male version of each other - we even had the same hair! (until he shaved it off this summer).

After 3 weeks together we talked about marriage. So after 3 years and no proposal i told him all my worries about getting old and running out of time to get married and have babies etc. My 2 sisters have both lost babies and although both have 1 child each now they are also both pregnant with pregnancy problems. So although nothing hereditary i obviously worry about my chances too.

When kids have come up in conversation before he's said he doesn't want any and i've said if you're serious you need to tell me, but it's always been kind of off hand and jokey and so he's never told me it's serious and i've always assumed he meant not now. But after my serious sit down he tells me he doesn't want them - seriously. I felt devastated. I literally cried for 5 hours before bed and then on and off through the night. My sister asked me once what i'd do if he said he didnt want children and i have never been able to consider it because i can't imagine being without him. I have always wanted kids even when i was a young teenager, i just always knew it was something i wanted to do. As well as wanting to raise a child in a loving family, i really want to experience the feeling of a human growing inside me and share that with the dad.

He said was i mad at him and i guess maybe i should be that he didn't say it seriously sooner after i said to many times, but i'm not. But then i think would it have made any difference sooner? I was still all in after a few weeks and i'd still never be able to choose. How do you choose?! I asked if he definitly never wanted them and he said he didn't know. He said he doesn't desire or yearn for them like i do and he cant ever see himself as a father. I asked him if it came to a choice between breaking up and having children what would he do - he said he didn't know. But should i have to choose between breaking up and not having kids? Every website i go on that says give an ultimatum it is the woman who has to choose but why can't it be the other way round?

After a night of hell i decided i couldn't imagine ever breaking up with him and he was clearly upset that i may have chosen otherwise and relieved that i had chosen to stay with him. But now i don't know if i chose to stay with him at the risk of no kids because i am truly ok with that possibility or because i don't believe he is truly set on never having them. Because as well as saying he doesn't want them he also said he doesn't know if it will change. He just knows at the moment he doesn't see himself as a dad.

He also said he wants to do more with his life and that kids will take that away from him. I have been unemployed for almost 1 1/2 years out of our 3 years (5 months and then 13 months later 11 months (now)) so we havn't had the money to go away travelling and he hasn't been able to explore other job options because he is the only wage and i have eaten into his savings because he pays all the rent, bills, food etc so i can understand he doesn't feel stable financially, but at the moment i'm talking marriage in the next 18 months or so and kids sometime in the next 3 years, so none of it is immediate.

Sorry this is so long! I hope you can give me any advice, if you've been in this situation or know someone who has or just what you think you would do if it happened to you. Thank you!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're incompatible. Break up or accept that your needs won't be met.

[Rowen]

Give up. You're not meant to be.

[basilandthyme]

You're pegging your dream on the hope he may change. Hon, this is insanity

[Starnique]

The worst thing you can do is continue on thru life with this man in hopes that he will change. You are setting yourself up for heartache. You know how many women still marry a guy that don't want kids, thinking he will change. He wont and you'll be unhappy and it will cause a big problem. I know someone that went thru it. If you really want children, he is not the one for you.

[Enigmos]

There is no compromise on having kids. If you want them and can't imagine not having them, move on. In a situation when one wants a kid and the other doesn't, there will be resent: someone who wants a kid and doesn't have one will grow to dislike the other person for not giving him / her a kid, and someone who doesn't want a kid but has one will grow to dislike the other person for making him / her do something undesirable.

BTW, the right guy for me is one who doesn't want kids.

[Boisdevie]

You can't reconcile this problem. And to be honest, if having children were so bloody important you should have talked about his issue a long long time ago. He's not a villain because he doesn't want children - simply you two want different things.

[TheEvilJester]

I know this may not be the advice you want, but I have to agree with the majority. It would maybe be different if you wanted to have tons of kids, but he only wanted 1 or 2 or 3. Maybe that is somewhere you could compromise. But, you want children and he does not. It would also be different if either of you wasn't so decisive about your stance. In other words, if you wanted kids, but weren't all that steadfast on it, and would be fine not having them, that is different. If he didn't really want them, but wouldn't mind having them anyway and would still be every bit the dad he should, that would be different.

But, you obviously very much want kids, and it sounds like he very much doesn't. He may say he is not sure that will change, but chances are they will not. He sounds pretty decided that he does not want them. Heck, that still doesn't mean it is 100% certain that will never change.... the problem is you cannot just wait around pinning your hopes on the chance that it will change.

I will say this, he should have been more honest with you from the start. He should have just been clear, and not made it sound like just a joke. At the same time, though, you also should have been more serious about your thoughts on the matter, and about pressing him for if he was serious or not. I mean, three years of a relationship with him saying this to you and you didn't think maybe this "joke" had some truth to it? Not meaning to point fingers. Hindsight is always 20/20. I know how hard it can be when a relationship otherwise seems great, but you feel like you start seeing a red flag or two. Your heart kind of wants to ignore it and hope it will just go away. These things tend not to go away.

Either way, I do wish you the best of luck. I hope you find what you are truly looking for in life, whether that winds up being with him, or with some other guy.