So What Now? Do We Not Talk Again?

[jl151080]

I work with a girl who is engaged. For 6 months we sat next to each other and we got on really well. I flirted with her every day, though I knew nothing could ever happen.

Ultimately though I ended up falling for her. We moved teams in September. I wanted to talk to her one to one but its impossible as she never takes lunch, so I wrote her a letter telling her everything and exactly how I felt. I told her knew nothing could happen, and am glad she's happy, but I had to let her know how I feel.

She replied by text, saying she'd like us to be friends "but I understand if that's too hard for you. Perhaps we should keep our distance from each other. All I can say is I'm sorry but I love [her fiancée] and it's him I'm with"

For the rest of 2013 things were ok between us and we still spoke etc. She often came up to me with work questions.

From my perspective, the only awkward situations have been that her fiancée started work in the same place in September and often meets her when they leave, so I avoid leaving at the same time. Also, she's now in the process of buying a house with him. I've been honest with her and said I don't want to know because it's too hard to deal with.

In December I gave her Xmas and Birthday presents (her Birthday is in January), and on the last day of work before Christmas I managed to get her alone for 5 minutes. We hugged each other and said 'Merry Christmas' etc. I did say at one point "I'm sure you wish you'd never met me" and she replied "no, we're friends!"

She says we're friends, though ultimately I don't think we can be because I can't deal with her relationship and all the associated stuff such as the house etc. All I want is for her to be happy - I just don't want to hear about it. In addition to that, if I text her (which is pretty rare - probably 3 times in the last 3 months - she doesn't reply.

We started back at work on 6 Jan and so far this year we've not spoken at all, not even "hi". Her desk is opposite the main door, so I see her every day, but I made a conscious decision not to go up to her, because It's difficult seeing her. She hasn't been over to me either.

I was kind of hoping she would come over to comment on the voucher I bought her for her Birthday, but she didn't. I sent her a text yesterday asking "what did u spend ur birthday present on", just to sort of break the ice, but she didn't reply. Her sister works in the same office and sits nearer to me. I found out from her later that she's lost my present so she probably didn't know it was a voucher anyway!

In a way keeping away from her is good, because seeing her is torture, but it's just strange. I get in before her, and she comes near my end of the office to make coffee every day. I hoped she'd at least say "hi", but since she hasn't approached me I'm not inclined to approach her because it's always me who does.

I'm not sure what's changed. I just wish she'd be honest with me. At the moment it feels like we'll just be avoiding each other for ever more.

[Sarah_S]

I completely understand you. I'm in the same situation with that guy at work too. But he does come and sits right opposite of me and he says things like "I'm always comfortable around you... the more time we spend together the better in my books" but at the same time he has a girlfriend and he's not ready to leave her. He wants to stay friends. For me it's very hard to see him and pretend to only be friends and not expecting anything more. But I do unfortunately. So I decided to stay away for my sanity.
I think you are doing the right thing, you should start having more activities and meet with other people, eventually you will meet a special person that loves you as well and will be happy. She obviously does not share the same feelings as you do. I'm a girl and if a guy that I don't feel attracted to tells me the same thing I will avoid him as much as I can and won't reply to him texts because I won't want to lead him on.
Hope this help. Move on you will be happy

[TheEvilJester]

I know this may not be the advice you want, but it definitely sounds to me like you should keep your distance. If you could see remaining friends, that would be one thing. It sounds to me like you cannot really see being just friends with her. Friends are able to tell each other about all the good and bad things in their life and be appropriately happy or sad for each other. Hearing the good things in her life that are related to her fiance are only hurting you. This shows that you obviously cannot see being just friends with her. At least not without distancing yourself for a while first.

It would be a shame to lose an otherwise good friendship, but you can't do that to yourself. Not to mention, you never know if it could eventually cause problems in her relationship, or otherwise wind up destroying your friendship. Best to just move on. Eventually you will meet other women, and hopefully find somebody you will like just as much or even more than you currently think you like this girl. Then, maybe you can be friends with her again. Plus, you never know what fate may decide. Maybe her relationship won't last after all. But, you just cannot wait around, wasting your life just hoping that will happen. It is just as possible that she will marry her fiance and they will live happily ever after. So, you can't wait around hoping she will eventually become available. Plus, if you cannot see being happy for her for finding her "happily ever after" then best to keep your distance.

Good luck, my friend. I hope you find your true dream girl some day.

[jl151080]

Thanks for your replies. I'm very grateful.

I am happy for her and I've told her - it's just I can't handle hearing/knowing about stuff.

I just don't understand why, so far this year, she hasn't even said "hi". Things were as ok as they could be after I gave her t he letter in September.

[jl151080]

I completely understand you. I'm in the same situation with that guy at work too. But he does come and sits right opposite of me and he says things like "I'm always comfortable around you... the more time we spend together the better in my books" but at the same time he has a girlfriend and he's not ready to leave her. He wants to stay friends. For me it's very hard to see him and pretend to only be friends and not expecting anything more. But I do unfortunately. So I decided to stay away for my sanity.
I think you are doing the right thing, you should start having more activities and meet with other people, eventually you will meet a special person that loves you as well and will be happy. She obviously does not share the same feelings as you do. I'm a girl and if a guy that I don't feel attracted to tells me the same thing I will avoid him as much as I can and won't reply to him texts because I won't want to lead him on.
Hope this help. Move on you will be happy

I hope I can move on - I'm not good at it and it's not easy seeing her every day,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as painful as mine. I wish you all the luck in the world!

[seecrithiding]

She's not responding to you or your gifts because she is trying to let you down easy and not lead you on, she obviously knows your feelings for her and doesn't reciprocate and knows you can't deal with just a friendship. Which is good, because she could be a selfish bitch and just thrive on the attention. Let her go man, find someone available - and don't spend your money on a girl you have no chance with.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm gonna lay this out for you bluntly and honestly. You're not going to like it.

You knew she was engaged, and you flirted with her constantly. You knew she was otherwise occupied, and you tried to steal her from someone else. What drove that? Insecurity? Seems likely. It backfired, and you "fell for her".

In a last-ditch effort, you WROTE HER A LETTER because you couldn't get her alone - you think that was an accident?! I don't.

"I want to be friends" is girl-speak for "Back the **** off."

You went after a 'taken' female and failed utterly...

and frankly... you're a dick.

[jl151080]

I'm gonna lay this out for you bluntly and honestly. You're not going to like it.

You knew she was engaged, and you flirted with her constantly. You knew she was otherwise occupied, and you tried to steal her from someone else. What drove that? Insecurity? Seems likely. It backfired, and you "fell for her".

In a last-ditch effort, you WROTE HER A LETTER because you couldn't get her alone - you think that was an accident?! I don't.

"I want to be friends" is girl-speak for "Back the **** off."

You went after a 'taken' female and failed utterly...

and frankly... you're a dick.

I never tried to steal her, because I was never under any illusion that anything would happen. Still, you can't help who you fall for.

She doesn't take lunch and we work in an open plan office, so there was little chance of getting her alone. I don't regret writing her that letter. I'll go to my grave knowing she knows how I feel, and I can't ask for any more than that. She was very sweet about it.

And if she really was uncomfortable, she never would have agreed to talk with me alone before Christmas, 3 MONTHS after I gave her the letter.

And frankly...I don't give a toss what you think of me.

[TheEvilJester]

She's not responding to you or your gifts because she is trying to let you down easy and not lead you on, she obviously knows your feelings for her and doesn't reciprocate and knows you can't deal with just a friendship. Which is good, because she could be a selfish bitch and just thrive on the attention. Let her go man, find someone available - and don't spend your money on a girl you have no chance with.

I would agree that I think this is probably most likely the case. She is most likely just trying to avoid the situation as much as she can. I certainly can't know without knowing her in person, but it seems like she is also doing this with you and your feelings in mind. As seecrithiding said, she could have just as easily enjoyed the attention she gets from you and take advantage of that, all while never having any intention of being anything more than friends with you. Some women like to manipulate people like that, and enjoy the attention.

By your own admission, she was very sweet about it, and even tried to continue on as though nothing had happened. So, it seems to me like she truly did not want to hurt your feelings. I think, in part, that is likely what is happening now. She knows it is hard for you to be friends with her and doesn't want to make you feel worse than perhaps you already do. Not to mention, I'm sure it may also be ever so slightly awkward for her. Here is a friend she cares about, but now she feels like any time she gives you too much attention, it only serves to hurt you. From what you have told us, she does not seem like the type of person who wants to hurt anybody.

Anyway, good luck. It sounds to me like your best bet, at least for now, would be to follow her lead. Break contact. Give yourself time to heal and move on. Then, in time, perhaps you can be closer friends again. Just don't do it if you are just going to be lying to yourself, and really just waiting around hoping her relationship will end. Good luck.

[jl151080]

I would agree that I think this is probably most likely the case. She is most likely just trying to avoid the situation as much as she can. I certainly can't know without knowing her in person, but it seems like she is also doing this with you and your feelings in mind. As seecrithiding said, she could have just as easily enjoyed the attention she gets from you and take advantage of that, all while never having any intention of being anything more than friends with you. Some women like to manipulate people like that, and enjoy the attention.

By your own admission, she was very sweet about it, and even tried to continue on as though nothing had happened. So, it seems to me like she truly did not want to hurt your feelings. I think, in part, that is likely what is happening now. She knows it is hard for you to be friends with her and doesn't want to make you feel worse than perhaps you already do. Not to mention, I'm sure it may also be ever so slightly awkward for her. Here is a friend she cares about, but now she feels like any time she gives you too much attention, it only serves to hurt you. From what you have told us, she does not seem like the type of person who wants to hurt anybody.

Anyway, good luck. It sounds to me like your best bet, at least for now, would be to follow her lead. Break contact. Give yourself time to heal and move on. Then, in time, perhaps you can be closer friends again. Just don't do it if you are just going to be lying to yourself, and really just waiting around hoping her relationship will end. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply.

I'm going to keep my distance from her, for her sake as much as mine, and because I know that if I do go up to her it'll only be painful for me. I know I'll never have a chance with her though.

[smackie9]

Yer just one of those creepy guys that think by buying gifts and crap that you will some how win them over, gets bent out of shape beacuse you don't get acknowledgement for your gestures of love. Then you pour your heart out in a letter in hopes that would do the trick even tho it's so inappropriate. You are not kidding anyone when you say you don't expect anything from her, because if you didn't you wouldn't be crying about it on here.

She has ran the other way, stop doing stuff like this, no more obsessing or getting carried away when you know they are not available.

[jl151080]

Yer just one of those creepy guys that think by buying gifts and crap that you will some how win them over, gets bent out of shape beacuse you don't get acknowledgement for your gestures of love. Then you pour your heart out in a letter in hopes that would do the trick even tho it's so inappropriate. You are not kidding anyone when you say you don't expect anything from her, because if you didn't you wouldn't be crying about it on here.

She has ran the other way, stop doing stuff like this, no more obsessing or getting carried away when you know they are not available.

Not true...I wrote her the letter in September. I gave her the presents 3 months later, which I would have done regardless of how I feel because we were good friends, too. I didn't buy her presents under some sort of delusion it would win her over. If only attracting someone was that easy!

I don't expect anything from her. I was just kind of surprised she didn't mention it because I gave it to her in December, but her Birthday was in January during Xmas leave. But it's no big deal.

[smackie9]

If it's not a big deal why mention it unless you wanted to make a point. I know the type...obsessing, the desire to get noticed, giving gifts, can't stop talking about it, pining for someone that is unavailable, heart break.....all this could have been avoided.

[jl151080]

If it's not a big deal why mention it unless you wanted to make a point. I know the type...obsessing, the desire to get noticed, giving gifts, can't stop talking about it, pining for someone that is unavailable, heart break.....all this could have been avoided.

I only mentioned it because I was a bit surprised she didn't mention it - not because I want to get noticed though and not because I thought it would win her over.

It's not like I've been showering with her with gifts and following around all the time. Yeah, absolutely it hurts and my heart is broken, but I'm also doing what I can for her sake, as well as mine, by keeping away from her.

Ultimately you can't help who you fall for. If fate hadn't led to us sitting next to each other for 6 months, maybe I wouldn't have got to know her and this wouldn't have happened. I don't know.

Ultimately I know there's nothing I can do except be happy she is happy and know that now she knows how I feel. But yeah, it's painful.

[smackie9]

Tip: don't make friends with an attractive girl, they should be for dating. You meet a girl don't admire her from afar, just ask her out (providing she is single). And stop putting them up on a pedestal.