Change of perspective?

[Indestructible]

I'm in a bit of a bad place, and I've been struggling for years to get out of it. I'm a 25 year old guy that's never dated, never been in a relationship, never had sex, nothing. I can't help but desire those things, experience them, crave them...

But I have... issues. I have a hard time actually feeling personal attraction to most girls, even to go on a date with. No, I'm not gay, and it's not that I don't like girls or think they're unattractive. I just never really feel it, and I have no desire to pursue the girls I come across. In my entire life, there's only been two girls I ever actually wanted to date, and neither wanted to date me.

I actually did go on one date, a few months ago with a girl I met online. I wasn't really attracted to her, either, but we seemed to have a lot in common when we were chatting online, and we got along well online. But when we met and went out, I just really didn't feel any kind of connection, and honestly, I felt kind of bored.

So, I feel like I really need to get out of my current mindset, I need to stop lacking attraction to girls. Otherwise, I'm going to be forever alone. But I don't really know how to change the way I think, the way I see things, the things I find attractive. Kind of at a loss, really.

[Rowen]

Hmmm your case reminds of a guy I once attempted to date. Even though he obviously was gay, he was in the same boat as you- except with men. Tom and I got along well online, but when it came time to meet, it all seemed to change for him. And he explained that there are very few guys he's actually attracted to- the same as you with women.

My advice, however, if you want to change this is probably to just keep trying to give chances to anyone you find is a nice person you have some things in common with. I say this because, while I don't condone leading people on, I do find it necessary to talk to at least talk to a few people and maybe go on a date or so before deciding if they're right for you. You never know who will turn out to surprise you, and you don't know for certain who might turn out to be a game changer.

But the thing to remember is this; how will you find out who is the right one if you don't give more girls a chance? I'm not saying you should be a man-whore, but people can surprise you all the time. All you have to do is be willing to give someone a chance, even if at first you're not really certain it's for you. I'm living proof of this because, while things didn't work with Tom, a while later I did meet someone else who was a game changer I misread off the bat...and he turned out to mean the world to me, despite the fact we're not together anymore.
Hope this helps a little- it's a bit jumbled, I know.

[HDBadger]

OP, you sound scarily like me. I'm a bit older than you, but everything else rings true.

First, there is nothing wrong with you. Most women aren't worth the time. You aren't attracted to them because they aren't attractive. A lot of women don't understand they have to offer more than a nice rack to attract a decent guy.

I haven't felt genuine attraction to a woman in years --- and I actually do some dating (but not much). So I busy myself with other things that add real value to my life. You should do the same.

Here's the other thing: A lot of women aren't going to know how to deal with your intelligence. They're not going to "get" you. That's okay, too. Just keep being you.

Give dating a chance, but don't force it. It's a pain in the @ss anyway, and not much fun for us guys unless we're getting laid. Take care of yourself. Be happy. Be content with who you are. Don't stress over women. If you see someone who catches your attention, talk to her. Most of the time she'll be dumb, crazy, or a bitch, but there are good women out there. They're just in the minority.

You'll be good. Promise.

[Lovebugg]

OP, you sound scarily like me. I'm a bit older than you, but everything else rings true.

First, there is nothing wrong with you. Most women aren't worth the time. You aren't attracted to them because they aren't attractive. A lot of women don't understand they have to offer more than a nice rack to attract a decent guy.

I haven't felt genuine attraction to a woman in years --- and I actually do some dating (but not much). So I busy myself with other things that add real value to my life. You should do the same.

Here's the other thing: A lot of women aren't going to know how to deal with your intelligence. They're not going to "get" you. That's okay, too. Just keep being you.

Give dating a chance, but don't force it. It's a pain in the @ss anyway, and not much fun for us guys unless we're getting laid. Take care of yourself. Be happy. Be content with who you are. Don't stress over women. If you see someone who catches your attention, talk to her. Most of the time she'll be dumb, crazy, or a bitch, but there are good women out there. They're just in the minority.

You'll be good. Promise.

Im actually like the guy who posted never had nothing... But I kinda like this one gitl no im 20 btw. I just wanna say thanks for your comment. I loved every word. If its not too much trouble can you read my thread too. Its titled "weird girl that I like"

[Indestructible]

First, there is nothing wrong with you. Most women aren't worth the time. You aren't attracted to them because they aren't attractive. A lot of women don't understand they have to offer more than a nice rack to attract a decent guy.

Eh... I mean, like I said, I don't see women as "bad", "unattractive", or anything like that. Most women I come across are perfectly pleasant, and good people, in general, but just not someone I feel any kind of personal attraction in a more than platonic way. Over the years, I've known several girls that were nice, had good qualities, etc., yet I just never wanted to date any of them (nor were they attracted to me).

So I busy myself with other things that add real value to my life. You should do the same.

Well, I basically try to, but I'm pretty content with the other aspects of my life at the moment. My education/ career is going well, I have little hobbies here and there that keep me entertained. I just wish I knew what it was like to have someone in my life, to be with someone, to experience intimacy and affection, and whatnot. When all the other aspects of my life are going just fine, it's hard not to notice and look at the areas that aren't doing so well, you know? Especially when "dating" is all around me. Pretty much everyone I know have noticeable "love lives", and heck, I can't even read a book, watch a movie, or watch a TV show without seeing some kind of romantic plot in there somewhere. It's just hard not to really think about.

Here's the other thing: A lot of women aren't going to know how to deal with your intelligence. They're not going to "get" you. That's okay, too. Just keep being you.

That's... sort of a spin that I don't necessarily feel is accurate. I'll lay it out like this; yes, I like to think I'm well-spoken and well-read, yes, I like to think I have an above average intelligence, but I don't look at it in an "I'm smarter than her/ She's dumb" kind of way. Granted, I do feel that my mind works... "differently" than most people I come across, and thus, I don't often feel like people "get" me, but that's not a shot at them for being "dumb", that's more something that I feel bad about for being "different" and hard to relate to. To be honest, this was a big reason I was completely head over heels for the last girl I liked, because I didn't feel like we were very different at all, in terms of our minds. It's too bad I can't find more girls like her. :/

My advice, however, if you want to change this is probably to just keep trying to give chances to anyone you find is a nice person you have some things in common with. I say this because, while I don't condone leading people on, I do find it necessary to talk to at least talk to a few people and maybe go on a date or so before deciding if they're right for you. You never know who will turn out to surprise you, and you don't know for certain who might turn out to be a game changer.

But the thing to remember is this; how will you find out who is the right one if you don't give more girls a chance? I'm not saying you should be a man-whore, but people can surprise you all the time. All you have to do is be willing to give someone a chance, even if at first you're not really certain it's for you. I'm living proof of this because, while things didn't work with Tom, a while later I did meet someone else who was a game changer I misread off the bat...and he turned out to mean the world to me, despite the fact we're not together anymore.

You make good points. See, this is how my mindset on dating breaks down:

- I need SOMETHING to attract me to a girl enough to want to ask her out. It doesn't have to be something huge, but something. For the most part, I never see that "something" in anyone. Most people have some kind of base line sense of attraction; otherwise, everyone would just try to ask out anyone with no rhyme or reason. What makes person A want to ask out person C but not ask out person B? Obviously person C has some appeal to them that person B does not. That's how most people work. I don't seem to have that base line of attraction, though. The girls I meet and come across are perfectly fine people, but I never find myself thinking "I'd like to go out with her".

- I know that I would absolutely "settle" for someone I'm not happy with, if given the opportunity, and I don't want to do that. But I find great comfort in structure and familiarity, not to mention, I'm very non-confrontational and I don't have it in me to end a relationship with someone, even if I'm not happy with them. So, I find myself worried that I'll date someone that I'm not particularly attracted to, but then feel a very strong sense of commitment to them even if I don't really want to be with them, myself. In which case, I'll entrap myself in a relationship that I'm not happy in, while lying to a girl who thinks I actually love her, which would probably end up being very stressful to me, internally.

- Then there's the topic of sex. People these days are fairly liberal about it; sex seemingly becomes a factor in relationships after just a few dates, and if it doesn't, it's typically a sign of lack of interest from one or both parties that can lead to the end of the relationship. I'm not particularly "prude", nor am I religious, or anything like that, but I often struggle with whether it's "wrong" to indulge in sex with someone that you don't necessarily see as someone you want to commit to. I don't want to be a bad person, nor do I want to hurt anyone's feelings. And heck, what if she gets pregnant? Then I have the baggage of having a child with some girl that I don't want to actually be with.

I struggle a lot with "stage one", because I know that, as a guy, I SHOULD find a higher percentage of women to be attractive than I actually do, I SHOULD be up for dating more girls, it shouldn't be such a struggle for me. Yet, as strongly as I desire intimacy, affection, and companionship, I just never feel even the slightest connection with a girl to want to ask her out.

[Rowen]

I can understand your mindset, and I'm not asking you to settle. All I'm suggesting is that you try to see who is out there. Maybe after a date, you'll see that someone you originally weren't attracted to surprises you.

As for sex, however, that really shouldn't a concern. You see, while I don't doubt there are a number of people who value sex like that, I also know there are a few people who still hold your views on sex. I have no doubt that if you give one of them a chance, you may be fairly surprised to find you have chemistry with at least one.

Bottom line is this: You don't have to settle. But you don't have to be afraid of stepping outside your comfort zone and trying new people... :S

[4 ratties]

I think you should at least try gay sex and if u really don't like it then okay we'll move on, but give it a try.
Cuz you been in this world for 25 years and only two chicks u would bone?
Either
1) gay.
2) narcissistic asshole. ( no girl is good enough for you)
3) your mother didn't love u enough as a child

[Rowen]

I think you should at least try gay sex and if u really don't like it then okay we'll move on, but give it a try.
Cuz you been in this world for 25 years and only two chicks u would bone?
Either
1) gay.
2) narcissistic asshole. ( no girl is good enough for you)
3) your mother didn't love u enough as a child

First of all... Go **** yourself.

Second, there is NOTHING wrong with this OP, and shame on you, you pathetic cunt, for even jumping to those conclusions.

EDIT: I'M a gay man, so next time, watch what you type.

[Indestructible]

I think you should at least try gay sex and if u really don't like it then okay we'll move on, but give it a try.
Cuz you been in this world for 25 years and only two chicks u would bone?
Either
1) gay.
2) narcissistic asshole. ( no girl is good enough for you)
3) your mother didn't love u enough as a child

Erm, no, I know I'm not attracted to men. I have no doubts or questions about that.

As far as "boning" goes, eh... See, I don't really look at that. Believe it or not, but I honestly don't care much about looks at all, really (I mean, within reason; for instance, I probably wouldn't be attracted to someone that's morbidly obese). When I look at women, I'm really not that driven by sex at all. I never even really "notice" hot girls, I never oggle anyone, I just really don't pay attention to that kind of thing. I'm much more titillated by a girl that I can have good conversations with, laugh with, connect with, etc. I find that to be much more of a "turn on" than looks or anything like that.

I can understand your mindset, and I'm not asking you to settle. All I'm suggesting is that you try to see who is out there. Maybe after a date, you'll see that someone you originally weren't attracted to surprises you.

Bottom line is this: You don't have to settle. But you don't have to be afraid of stepping outside your comfort zone and trying new people... :S

Yeah, no, I didn't mean that you suggested settling, that's just a belief I've always held about myself, that I will absolutely "settle" if given the chance. Unfortunately, that's kind of my family history; everyone in my family "settled", and everyone in my family is pretty unhappy. I see settling being a major concern for me due to how much I crave stability and how willing I am to commit to something that's "comfortable" even if I'm not happy with it.

I think one thing that kinda gets to me is that I really love the feeling I have when I "like" a girl. It's such a wonderful, happy feeling, and I feel like I'm on top of the world; granted, when the girl inevitably rejects me, I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die, but that "high" just feels so good, and I've only been able to feel it twice in my entire life. I want to feel that again, I want to feel that more often, and I want to know what it's like to actually be with someone I feel that way about. It really bothers me a lot that I can't get myself to "like" more girls. :/

[Rowen]

Yeah, no, I didn't mean that you suggested settling, that's just a belief I've always held about myself, that I will absolutely "settle" if given the chance. Unfortunately, that's kind of my family history; everyone in my family "settled", and everyone in my family is pretty unhappy. I see settling being a major concern for me due to how much I crave stability and how willing I am to commit to something that's "comfortable" even if I'm not happy with it.

I think one thing that kinda gets to me is that I really love the feeling I have when I "like" a girl. It's such a wonderful, happy feeling, and I feel like I'm on top of the world; granted, when the girl inevitably rejects me, I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die, but that "high" just feels so good, and I've only been able to feel it twice in my entire life. I want to feel that again, I want to feel that more often, and I want to know what it's like to actually be with someone I feel that way about. It really bothers me a lot that I can't get myself to "like" more girls. :/

That's the brilliant part of it, though. Everyone has a choice, and your family made their's. But you are who you are, and YOU need to decide for yourself. Only YOU have the power not to give up, ever. And, honestly, I don't believe you should, no matter what. Look at your family if that temptation ever sets in full force for you. Ask yourself: Do I really want to be like that?

What you feel when you like someone is completely natural. However, yes, it is more rare. But by giving someone a chance, you might be able to get that same feeling with someone you never thought of before. Can it really hurt to try?
Not to mention, it's impossible for you to "like more girls" than you normally would.... BUT it is POSSIBLE to test the waters with someone new and see if there's anything there you might not have seen at first glance.

We have a choice, OP- each of us as human beings. But the question right now is this: What will yours be?

[Indestructible]

But by giving someone a chance, you might be able to get that same feeling with someone you never thought of before. Can it really hurt to try?
Not to mention, it's impossible for you to "like more girls" than you normally would.... BUT it is POSSIBLE to test the waters with someone new and see if there's anything there you might not have seen at first glance.

Right, but again, how do I discern who to "give a chance" and "test the waters" with? That's kinda where I'm stuck at. I don't want to just ask out every girl I come across, but at the same time, I never encounter a girl that piques my ("romantic") interest even a little.

The thing is, I think that if I'm not interested even a little in a girl in a romantic way beforehand, I'm probably not going to "give it my all" on a date with her, because in my mind, I don't really care or have much interest in it. So even if she turns out to be someone really great, I'll never know, because I won't put my best foot forward on a date with her, and she probably wouldn't want to see me again. Yanno?

[4 ratties]

First of all... Go **** yourself.

Second, there is NOTHING wrong with this OP, and shame on you, you pathetic cunt, for even jumping to those conclusions.

EDIT: I'M a gay man, so next time, watch what you type.

Well I was kidding around but alright. The only thing I don't agree with . Is that u are the pathetic cunt. Have a nice day rowen big hairy bear.

[Rowen]

Right, but again, how do I discern who to "give a chance" and "test the waters" with? That's kinda where I'm stuck at. I don't want to just ask out every girl I come across, but at the same time, I never encounter a girl that piques my ("romantic") interest even a little.

The thing is, I think that if I'm not interested even a little in a girl in a romantic way beforehand, I'm probably not going to "give it my all" on a date with her, because in my mind, I don't really care or have much interest in it. So even if she turns out to be someone really great, I'll never know, because I won't put my best foot forward on a date with her, and she probably wouldn't want to see me again. Yanno?

See, this is a good question, and frankly, I'm glad that you asked. If I were you, I'd work on being friends with just any girl you run into. I'm not saying ask them all out, but if you encounter a one that is nice (for instance, a classmate) who you think holds those same values about sex, maybe then give it a shot because you may be surprised. I'm not telling you to go out with them more than once or twice, either, because that would be leading them on. But use your values to weed through the girls as a whole to find the ones that hold those interests/values. Then, if you give them a try, perhaps one of them might make you feel differently on a date. Of course, I'm not saying you're going to fall madly in love with her, but when you're not trying to find that spark, that may be when you find it... Does that make any sense at all?

As for your effort, however, I think that if she was really great and you were on a date with her that you'd start to pick it up. But you'll never know until you try. And as for her not wanting a second date, that might very well happen, but I fail to see how that would be any worse than your current state, and you know why? If she's the right girl and the chemistry/feelings are right, she'll give you another chance if you find you like her more than you already thought.

I know it all sounds rather outlandish, but that's just my take...

Well I was kidding around but alright. The only thing I don't agree with . Is that u are the pathetic cunt. Have a nice day rowen big hairy bear.

Well, your post sure as shit didn't seem like it was kidding. My apologies for the misunderstanding, though; you wouldn't believe some of the advice people give on here.