I need to break up with her...is there a "right" time?

[NotReally]

My girlfriend and I met in college. I'm 20 and she's 22. We've been together for 10 months now, and with the 1 year anniversary approaching, I have come to realize I don't really want to spend more of my life with her.

There are a few reasons why I've come to this conclusion. Some of them do not feel justified, but I question whether or not I need to justify my feelings in the first place.

Just a disclaimer before I explain myself...I feel as though I'm constantly aware of myself as a "young adult" and I strive to be a good person without hurting others, but mistakes are inevitable. Intertwined with a new found sense of confidence and a plethora of feelings that seem to emerge out of nowhere, my life is constantly changing and for the most part, I'm enjoying the ride.

This is the first serious relationship I've had. My previous ones were very shallow and unsatisfying. I think that since this relationship started out very exciting, part of me is having a very hard time accepting that it is not what it once was. To be completely honest, she is very different from me in terms of personality. We do share some things in common I should mention; we both love art and film. We have a similar sense of humor. I strain to come up with more common traits we share, but my mind is clouded with the things that differentiate us.

She comes from a small town. Her family isn't exactly racist, but they are certainly intolerant. A lot of their political views are flat out ignorant. Hers are the same. I used to hide my disapproval but since then we've talked it through and gone over it. The problem isn't that I do not accept her opinions. It's that at the core, I think her values do not line up with mine. This issue is very complex and I only just scratched the surface by mentioning it here, but it's been a back and forth problem throughout the entire relationship.

I have never said, "I love you," to her. After 10 months, I think most couples have. Not to say that we should abide by the standards of other couples, but when I look deep within my heart, I do not see myself loving her. It just isn't there. When I picture love, I imagine myself with an adventurous type, maybe traveling together, some sense of risk and discovery. I know it's just a fantasy, but my current girlfriend has proclaimed that she does not feel the urge to travel, and that it's a "take it or leave it" kind of experience. To me, that's almost insulting, since I have traveled quite a bit and it is something I hold very dear to me.

Sometimes it feels like, even though she is two years older than I am, she lacks life experience. She cements opinions into her head that are not founded upon any visceral experience. She has never left the country, or moved across the country by herself. She has never been 100% independent and self-sustaining. I have done all of those things, and though difficult and struggling, they have created who I am.

This part is very hard to discuss and admit, and I am grateful that I have found somewhere that I can remain anonymous and vocalize my thoughts. I am very guilt-ridden when I say this, but I feel like I'm too good for her. She definitely appreciates me, but I don't feel like she gives me anything that other girls would not. Constantly I fantasize about talking and flirting with other girls. It's not just their physical appearance that intrigues me, it's the adventurous, open-minded personalities that I see go hand in hand with so many attractive girls.

We do have sex often, but lately I become swarmed with guilt afterwards. In the moment, I'm so overcome with pleasure and excitement that I almost forget that I have any problems with her at all. It's so shallow, I know, but it's one of the only things in the relationship that I like. I feel like I'm using her, even though I do care about her as a person. I'm in this horribly awkward position where if I try to ease off any of our usual intimate behavior, she becomes insecure and demands explanation. There's a lot of stress in our lives, for various reasons, and I don't want her to doubt our relationship until a moment when there's less stress affecting her. Is that pointless? It feels like there will always be stress.

I care about her, I really do. But at this point I think I'm faking everything else. My reasoning just doesn't feel justified...I can't imagine explaining it to her and getting her to understand. Not to mention her friends are my friends too...that's a whole other problem right there. I'm entering a new part of my life and I just need to be free and meet other girls. Making this decision makes me feel like a bad person...and almost every decision I make in my life is in trying to be a better person. So why does it feel so wrong to break up with her? I'm scared of what it will do to her, and I'm scared of the judgement brought on by my friends. I know real friends will be there for me, but they're her friends, too.

Should I wait? Is there a proper moment to do something like this? A better way of explaining myself? I just don't know what to do.

[Enigmos]

You need to stop having sex with her, as it confuses your emotions and makes it difficult to make the decision that is right for you.

You don't have to justify your feelings for why a relationship is not the right fit. You're both young. Why are you trying to convince yourself to stay? You already know it's not in your heart. Just let her know that your needs are not being met; needs, by the way, are not just sexual.

Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

Dump her today and stop pussyfooting around. Clearly she's not going to be happy being dumped but your relationship isn't going anywhere so get it over with.

[surfhb2]

Dump her today and stop pussyfooting around. Clearly she's not going to be happy being dumped but your relationship isn't going anywhere so get it over with.

^^^^
.....This

[Lovebugg]

I agree get over it. She is not a fit for you i guess

[dickriculous]

From now on when you have sex just go full jackhammer on her and blow your load in 20 seconds. That will turn the tables in no time at all.

[Boisdevie]

Or just unfriend her on Facebook. Or text her?

[Rowen]

First of all, stop having sex with her. Not only does it confuse you, it's going to hurt her more...

Second, be a man, grow some balls, and do it. The more you drag it out, the more you're going to rip her heart out and devour it in front of her like some hellish beast. It doesn't matter how you sugar coat it.

[basilandthyme]

I agree that you don't have to justify the reasons for breaking up. Having said that, I don't see that there's anything wrong with citing 'ethical differences' or something similar as a reason for ending it.

For what it's worth, I'm a "bleeding heart leftie" and there's no way I could respect the views of someone who's as far to the right as I am to the left. And if I can't respect their views, I couldn't have a relationship with them. So I completely understand where you're coming from.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Back off from her for a bit, and when she gets insecure and crazy about it, dump her and tell it's because she's insecure and crazy, then you don't have to actually say why.

[Rowen]

Back off from her for a bit, and when she gets insecure and crazy about it, dump her and tell it's because she's insecure and crazy, then you don't have to actually say why.

Or, he could just dump her and cut her out of his life... Then, he doesn't need to go through intense planning and doesn't need to say why. I like that idea better.

[Kuley]

It's easy to say to just dump her but it isn't never easy to do so when you know you have no way out without breaking someone else's heart. Any girl in any relationship would want to know how it went wrong for their peace of mind, at least give her that if you care for her like what you said, grow some balls, you entered this relationship and have some decency to end it the right way. Whatever your differences she deserve to know why you don't want to be with her anymore. Good luck.

[Rowen]

It's easy to say to just dump her but it isn't never easy to do so when you know you have no way out without breaking someone else's heart.

First of all, that's bullshit because there is always a way out.
Second, no matter what you do, when you do it, or how you do it, if you're breaking up with someone, you're going to hurt them unless it's mutual (which is rare).

[Kuley]

First of all, that's bullshit because there is always a way out.
Second, no matter what you do, when you do it, or how you do it, if you're breaking up with someone, you're going to hurt them unless it's mutual (which is rare).

uh hmm i thought this is a ask a female thread, i answered this on my own perspective bec. the OP needs a female advise, best of luck.

[Rowen]

uh hmm i thought this is a ask a female thread, i answered this on my own perspective bec. the OP needs a female advise, best of luck.

By that notion, we shouldn't allow the women to post in the Male section, but alas, we do. Why?