LDR Lover/Friend is Pregnant But Never Told me

[basilandthyme]

I pursue opportunities to better myself at life not relationships. Relationships sort of just happen in the midst.

going slightly off topic here, but if you don't prioritise relationships, they DON'T evolve on their own. 10 years and no commitment with this girl being the evidence. I'm sure she was fond of you and you had fun together, but if opportunities to better yourself are more important to you than being with her, why should she consider what you want?

If you want to stay important in someone's life...and be entitled to hear about what's going on in their life.....you need to prioritise them. Not many women are going to be happy with a relationship playing second fiddle to your own needs.

[acemontana]

[QUOTE=basilandthyme;965301]going slightly off topic here, but if you don't prioritise relationships, they DON'T evolve on their own. 10 years and no commitment with this girl being the evidence. I'm sure she was fond of you and you had fun together, but if opportunities to better yourself are more important to you than being with her, why should she consider what you want?

I did make it a priority whatever she needed emotionally spiritually and as much as I can physically I provided it. She knows how I felt about her and I showed it. Her telling me she is pregnant is not what I want...I wish she wasnt pregnant by some other guy to begin with. But since we were so close its almost obligatory you share that with me whether it hurts me r not. We verbally expressed that to each other that if something significant happens in our life that we would tell each other. I didnt make it official because I didn't want a long distance relationship. It puts to much stress on a relationship. The goal was to ultimately have her come down to Florida. But she didn't so we move on.

[acemontana]

If you want to stay important in someone's life...and be entitled to hear about what's going on in their life.....you need to prioritise them. Not many women are going to be happy with a relationship playing second fiddle to your own needs.[/QUOTE]

My career was a priority because man cant live on love alone those trips those fancy dinners didnt come free ultimately I wanted to establish myself down to Florida and live carefree just focus on her dreams and I will foot the bill. But I guess I didnt convey that enough. I didnt want to make it a official because we dont believe in Long distance relationships. So if she didnt move down here within a certain time period its no shock she found someone else. By why not be woman about and tell me? Especially after we agreed on a scenario like this...I just want to make her aware that I know and its lame not to tell me especially when u tell me everything else.

[basilandthyme]

My career too is a priority because man cant live on love alone all those trips she liked all the fancy dinners didnt come cheap. I wanted to get a home and everything for us Establish myself down here so she can live in comfort and focus on her dreams As I provide. Should I confront her? What are the long term consequences if I do? Or continue to stay the course and never speak to her again for as long as I live.

It's fine for you to get a house and established and be able to afford fancy dinners. But she's not with you now, so I guess this wasn't so much a priority to her as it was to you. Perhaps she wanted something different to you? Perhaps she'd rather have a guy who was there for her?

Give me 'a picnic with a guy who's around' over 'a fancy dinner with a guy I see occasionally' any day.

It's also fine to have a career as a priority....it's your life and your choice. Just don't be surprised if a relationship fails because you give it less priority than your own needs. It's no different to neglecting your health because you're too busy working and then being surprised when you have a heart attack.

On what grounds would you confront her? Was there an agreement of exclusivity between you? If I was in her shoes and you confronted me, I'd simply remind you that you WEREN'T my boyfriend and your thoughts on this aren't relevant to the situation.

[acemontana]

It's fine for you to get a house and established and be able to afford fancy dinners. But she's not with you now, so I guess this wasn't so much a priority to her as it was to you. Perhaps she wanted something different to you? Perhaps she'd rather have a guy who was there for her?

Perhaps..but is the guy thats around ultimately better for her? Her choice so she will either reap the rewards or suffer the consequences

Give me 'a picnic with a guy who's around' over 'a fancy dinner with a guy I see occasionally' any day.

It's also fine to have a career as a priority....it's your life and your choice. Just don't be surprised if a relationship fails because you give it less priority than your own needs. It's no different to neglecting your health because you're too busy working and then being surprised when you have a heart attack.

On what grounds would you confront her? Was there an agreement of exclusivity between you? If I was in her shoes and you confronted me, I'd simply remind you that you WEREN'T my boyfriend and your thoughts on this aren't relevant to the situation.

I would confront her based on the fact that we said that we would NOT keep any secrets from each other like If I start seeing someone else. We have been going on like this for 3 years..We were planning a trip to Los Angeles when her father got sick and she couldnt go...Come to find out later thats around the same time she got pregnant. It was not expressed exclusivity it was always implied. She would get real upset if I went out to party would ask did I dance with girls? Do I go out on dates so on and so forth. Yeah I wasnt her BF but when she needed to get bailed out of jail guess who she turned to. I didnt bail her out but it shows that over 10 years I was a trusted confidant now all of a sudden I am not? Thats not cool no matter how you slice it...But ignoring her in the long run may be the best thing still debating this in my head

[acemontana]

You just confessed it was nothing serious between you both and it sounds like this was just another adult sexual get together kind of relationship and not really a romantic one. So, I'm not sure what the issue is here. Do you truly love her now?

I loved her then and she knew it..She claimed she loved me..said it numerous times...As a matter of fact she said it first showed me she loved me..Maybe she is embarrased by the fact that she is pregnant because it wasnt planned?? I dunno but it was more than just a sexual thing. If it was just a sexual thing I wouldnt be on here posting about it.

[Wakeup]

You should have showed her in actions that it was more than a sexual thing. Words are just words if there are no actions to back them up. Sex and not much else is not an actions word that indicates that you love one another. Giving her money is not an action word that shows her you loved her if all you're seeing her for is sex. You didn't offer her any part of your life or, if you did she didn't want it. If it was any other way then what I just discribed then you two would be husband and wife and that child would be yours.

If you look at it more pragmatically, more logically then perhaps you can just forget about her a little more easily and stop contact with her altogether. Did you expect a part time sexual experience to last forever? That she'd be satisfied with once a year sexcapades? No security?

Yes, the least she could have done was tell you that she wouldn't be contacting you anymore, that she has someone else now thats she's carrying another man's baby but heh, that would take closing a door. Codependents rarely have the strenghth to outright exorcise their codependent partners completely out of their lives. They always need a safety net.

Whether or not she said you'd not keep secrets is neither here nor there. As I said, words are just words. It's her actions (or in this case lack thereof that tell you her truth.)

[acemontana]

You should have showed her in actions that it was more than a sexual thing. Words are just words if there are no actions to back them up. Sex and not much else is not an actions word that indicates that you love one another. Giving her money is not an action word that shows her you loved her if all you're seeing her for is sex. You didn't offer her any part of your life or, if you did she didn't want it. If it was any other way then what I just discribed then you two would be husband and wife and that child would be yours.

If you look at it more pragmatically, more logically then perhaps you can just forget about her a little more easily and stop contact with her altogether. Did you expect a part time sexual experience to last forever? That she'd be satisfied with once a year sexcapades? No security?

Yes, the least she could have done was tell you that she wouldn't be contacting you anymore, that she has someone else now thats she's carrying another man's baby but heh, that would take closing a door. Codependents rarely have the strenghth to outright exorcise their codependent partners completely out of their lives. They always need a safety net.

Whether or not she said you'd not keep secrets is neither here nor there. As I said, words are just words. It's her actions (or in this case lack thereof that tell you her truth.)

This response really made it all clear to me..@WakeupCall are you a professional? Your insight is really right on the money. Appreciate all the feedback from every one. I'm staying the course of not communicating with her and cleansing her from my life. Its not easy but in have no choice but to do it

[pcmaster]

Yes Wakeup is professional. Her online consultations thru skype costs 250$ per hour. But sometimes she does charitable work by giving back to community on loveforum.

[Starnique]

This response really made it all clear to me..@WakeupCall are you a professional? Your insight is really right on the money. Appreciate all the feedback from every one. I'm staying the course of not communicating with her and cleansing her from my life. Its not easy but in have no choice but to do it

Yeah she's a pro. Its called wisdom and life experiences which is better then any book can teach you.

Anyway OP, that sounds good. Your friendship with her probably won't be the same anyway. Don't hate her but she has her life now so just focus on yours.