Urgent advice needed.. Please :(

[lover145]

Hey everyone..bit of a dilemma between me and my girlfriend. I've posted here before about it. Me and my girlfriend met online..we both lived in separate cities in Australia. I'm Fijian and Australian descent where she is Lebanese..We talked everyday through Skype mainly for over a year. We have strong feelings for each other all along. We are very serious about each other.

I managed to pick up a job in my profession in her same city this year. We both celebrated. All was well for the first couple of weeks. We were both so glad to be with each other physically and had some amazing nights together. I mainly visited her in her city when we lived apart. She still lives with her parents. I've met most of her family already many months ago..cousins, her mother and her grandmother..all absolutely love me and think I'm really nice..however I find out recently the whole family has been keeping me a secret from her father..well kind of..the father knew about me just didn't know how serious me and his daughter are..he didn't really approve saying if I'm not Lebanese I'm not good enough for his daughter..

the mother suggested to my girlfriend that as we r so serious about each other and as I'm living in the same city now that it was time I met the father to be fair on him and to get his approval..which I was more than happy to do..they invited me over for dinner.

Throughout the day in the lead up to the dinner the daughter and mother practically begged their father/husband to have me over for dinner..he kept refusing saying he's nervous..I'm the first ever guy my girlfriend had invited over for dinner with her family..it wasn't until the last 30 mins he agreed to have me over.

I drove out and met the father. It was awkward for the first 5 mins due to the dinner being last minute confirmed..but me and him got talking and got along really well..he laughed at my jokes, told me jokes, asked me about my profession etc..I thought all went well.

I went out for lunch with my girlfriend today..probably about 3 days since we seen each other since the dinner. She told me what her father thought about me..and it's not good..he thinks I'm a nice person but can't get past the fact that I'm not Lebanese therefore I'm not good enough for his daughter..she told me she's been fighting with him all week about me telling him that she loves me and wouldn't he rather let her be with someone that cares for her and makes her happy than a random Lebanese guy..the father remained stubborn and goes: so u want me to be unhappy? Wouldn't u rather let me be happy? She also told me the father has been trying to brainwash her mother saying that I'm not good for my girlfriend caus I'm not Lebanese etc etc when the mother had been very accepting of me. I will admit in the beginning she was a bit guarded caus she too did want her daughter being with a Lebanese guy, but she saw instantly how happy I make her daughter and has since accepted me..but it looks like the father is not going to budge..

I told my girlfriend today that we just gotta keep on fighting n that I do love her n wanna be with her..to which she responded : I love u too and wanna be wit u too.....I just don't know how to fight anymore I don't know what to do...she's been very sick this week n told me all the stress has gotten to her about her father which is why she's been sick..it's been affecting her dad a lot he's been stressing him out. I asked her if it's worth talking to her grandma about it caus she's been very accepting for us but she said she doesn't wanna stress her out..so I suggested having coffee with the mother n talking to her about it..to which she agreed to..

I just don't know what to do myself now..everytime I talk to my girlfriend now I feel hurt and really bad I'm making her feel this way..this situation is making her fight with her father..it's upsetting him..I'm sure it's upsetting the mother too to see father and daughter fighting..it's also making my girlfriend ill...she's been like that all week..what do I do? Do I break up with her? Or keep on fighting? I really love her..I moved here for her..and I know definitely that she loves me back the same way..the father is just ripping us apart at the moment..any advice before I lose my mind? Thanks guys

[Boisdevie]

Your girl has a decision to make:
1. Live the life she wants to make or
2. Live the life her father wants her to live

But if she wants to live her own life then she should move out and live an adult life. She has to decide. Give her a deadline so she won't avoid the issue because this problem won't go away.

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do. I agree with Boisdevie. This is her decision to make. She shouldn't lether father dictate how she is going to live her life. He needs to let her be happy. That should be what is most important.

But, you can't force her father to change his mind, nor can you force her to go against her father if she won't. I wouldn't necessarily recommend you instantly give her a deadline. Sometimes, things like this have a way of working themselves out. But, I also wouldn't recommend you wait around forever. In other words, give some time for it to hopefully blow over on its own. If it does not, then I would agree with Boisdevie's suggestion.... At that point, it would be time to have a serious discussion with the girlfriend. Reiterate that you really love her and want to be with her, but that you can't wait around forever for her to decide what is more important, her happiness, or that her father is happy with how she lives HER OWN life. I would also reiterate that you do really wish things could be okay between you and her father, but that neither of you can really do anything to change that. That is up to him.

I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully things do just blow over. If he really does care about his daughter, then eventually he would realize that it is her happiness that is important, not the nationality, religion, color, etc. of the person she loves.

[lover145]

Thanks for your replies it is much appreciated

I had a talk with my girlfriend last night about the whole situation wit ur advice in mind. Told her I have nothing against her dad and I actually think he's a nice person and want to get to know him better. I told her I wish I could do something to make her father realise how much I love her and I don't have to be Lebanese to do that..and that she has to make a choice..that I do love her etc etc

She said the whole situation has been stressing her out..she's been ill for a week now. She stated to me that she Really needs her strength back..and not to take the wrong way..(what does that mean?) I know she has been fighting with her dad about me. she then said that she have never gone against my dad for anything n scared what he would do if she did..I told her it was her choice..and that I want to make her happy and be with her and that I didn't wanna lose her over this..that she means a lot to me.

She then stated that I'm not going to lose her and that she Looked at every situation n leaving me made her depressed..that she only happy when I'm in her life..She said her mum knows how much we want to stay together and is trying to help by talking to her husband..but she too is having troubles getting through to him and doesn't wanna fight with him..sounds like they're all scared of him lol. she said her dad just stuck in his traditional ways..Lebanese daughter must be with a Lebanese boy. She then said he will come around and will not giving up. She said that she will organise a meeting with her mother to talk..I don't think the father wants anything to do with me. My girlfriend wanted me over at her place to watch movies and chill on the weekend but her dad disallowed it..lol

She also stated that she Feels bad about me leaving family...why? I told her I needed a change in my life and I wanted to have a chance at being with her and making her happy..And apparently she doesn't do enough for me to show her love for me..whatever that means?

Really confused a it everything. What should I say to the mother when I meet her? I think me my girlfriend and the mother r going out for coffee soon. Should I stay with her or break it off now? I genuinely love her..but then I know how much her dad means to her and how close they are....she said I'm important to her too but yeah...don't know what to do...

[TheEvilJester]

Hopefully a few others can chime in here. I tend to be a bit of the hopeless romantic type, so sometimes I'm not sure if I am giving advice that makes sense, or I am just looking at things in a romantic kind of way. However, my personal thoughts are that it sounds like you should give it some time. It sounds like she is doing everything she can to improve the situation. It also sounds like she does not want to give you up just to make her father happy. On the contrary, it sounds like she is trying to work to make the father accept you. What more could you ask?

Of course, again, you still cannot wait around forever, nor can you live with the constant stress. So, if her father continues to be stubborn, then for both your sakes, you need to find whatever way you can to move on and not let the father stress you out. Hopefully he comes around, but if not then she needs to do whatever is necessary so that you two can be happy without the constant stress of the situation with her father. If he is too stuubborn and stupid to care more about his daughter's happiness then his own old-fashioned ideals, then maybe that will mean losing his daughter a little bit. She may have to distance herself for her own good. Not that I would suggest she distance himself completely. It is still her father.

But, that has to be her choice. You cannot force that on her. At the same time, if the situation with her father does not improve, you also cannot just stick around forever in that stressful situation hoping it will just magically improve. Hopefully it doesn't have to come to that. Hopefully he comes around and learns to accept you. Either way, good luck.

[basilandthyme]

Lover, I just refreshed myself with your old posts.

While Boisdevie's comments about standing up to her father are correct, it's worth pointing out that she's only 19. The 7 year age gap (and patriarchal upbringing) between you makes a world of difference in terms of maturity and independence.

And before anyone else suggests she move out, I'm going to throw out there that if you're in an Australian capital city, housing is virtually unaffordable for a 19yo.

Honestly, I think she's pretty much stuck under her father's rules until she's finished Uni, climbed a few rungs in her career and saved enough to move out.

[lover145]

Thanks again for ur replies..I think I'm having coffee with her mother this week to discuss the situation. Any advice on what I should say to her? I know the father has been trying to get into her ear about me saying that I'm too old and not Lebanese therefore can't be with her. My girlfriend suggested coffee to her mother to chat and the mother agreed but told her daughter that she does not know how to solve the problem..Yes there is a 7 year age gap between us..but there's something between us we can both feel it. She came over the other day to my place and she cried and said she does not know what to do about her dad..and it makes her depressed. I feel really bad about the whole situation. It's causing stress on her family and making her sad..I do not like to see her this way. She cried on my shoulder about it..gotta admit a tear fell from my part too..I told her did u want to break up? I don't want to see u sad like this and put stress on u..to which she replied: do not even say that again! I want to be with u and only u and I do not plan to break up with u.

Any more advice? hate feeling like this..but I know I wanna be with her..we r both very much in love.