Still crushing after 6 months :-(

[Chappy]

Hi,

Some advice please as I am starting to go crazy by not saying anything to my crush.

Situation:34, Married, no kids and no mortgage yet. Very good jobs and sporting social life so financially and socially in good place.

I'm crushing on a very good friend of my Wife's, who is 28 and single. My closest male friend believes it is a proximity crush because we see each other most weeks and are casual text friends. We get on very well, and of late have been sending longer and longer text messages to each other, basically just catching up, but most days of the week. To be honest, I'm fairly certain it has to be casual on her part (She is very thoughtful and would feel guilty if she didn't respond to messages, the vast majority initiated by me I must add...though she always responds and at length....I'm just saying what I want to hear now!) as she and my wife see each other every week and have been friends for nearly 2 years now, whereas for me I started to crush on her 6 months ago, but have done nothing other than try to ride it out.

But, so far, it's just getting stronger and stronger and I've yet to find a way to get this to pass! I actually think it's starting to give me a little anxiety these past few weeks, not knowing what to do!

Ultimately, I love my wife very much, but how do I reconcile that with the feelings I have developed for this person? There are many things about her I admire and am attracted to. We also *seem* to be on similar wavelengths, similarly educated, sporty, and *busy* people.

With my wife, we are essentially best friends, but there is and has been for many years, a certain lack of passion I think. We kind of fell into a long-term and extremely comfortable relationship (Married 4 years, involved for 9). She is extraordinarily loving towards me (I'm a little less affectionate naturally, whereas my wife has to say *I love you* multiple times a day), but there has rarely been a major *spark* apart from the first year perhaps.

She is the sort of person I could be friends with for my whole life....but is that enough..... In fact, should we not have made other commitments by now like buying a home or considering starting a family.... I don't know. I actually saw a counsellor for 5 sessions in September 2013 to get a handle on why I was so attracted to this person....it *kind of* helped.

I suppose, the crux of my question is this: Do I casually tell my friend that I've had a crush on her, and that I expect nothing from her. The *hope* is that she shoots me down and says it is flattering but that's it. In many ways, that might be ALL I need.....because I think human nature is to *hope* and until she tells me it's just not going to happen, I might keep wondering!

I believe that she will take the news fine, if I lay it out in a laid-back way, and make it clear that I understand these situation arise commonly when men and woman become closer friends....one of them could well feel romantically about the other....and you just have to deal with those feelings and then move beyond them to the true friendship stages.

Let's say she does shoot me down, what then. I don't have an emotional attraction to anyone else and I'm not unhappy....I'm just in the situation where I *think* I might be happier with this other person right now!!

Sounds like a classic early-mid-life crisis to me :-).

I'm just trying to get a conversation started here, to help me see how common this is and whether I'm just going through a phase!
Charlie

[Boisdevie]

It's not fair to tell this woman anything. It seems like the problems stem from the crap state of your marriage and that's not this other womans' fault. Sort out your marriage because that is where the problem lies - it's not fair to put the onus on this other poor woman to 'shoot you down' so you'll stop being so daft.

[Chappy]

Reading my full post...it just sounds a little pathetic.

Decide what you want, and stop worrying about being *alone* is really the thing that shines through for me.

Or, find out if a non-sexual and friendly marriage is what you want at 34. Sex 5 times in 5 years, probably not a good thing for a marriage. Intimacy isn't the issue, nor closeness, but physically relation isn't there. I hate the fact that sex is soo needed in a relationship, I really do, but the absence of it has got to be a problem. And neither of us seem bothered about this..... It seems shallow to have sex as a topic in a marriage, but .....

My feelings for my crush feel genuine, and probably are, but are symptomatic of just not being content in my relationship. In saying that, outside of my feelings for her, I'm not looking at anyone else or wishing I was single!!!

I'm all over the place.
C

[Boisdevie]

I think you need marriage guidance counselling. Sex five times in five years is ridiculous. A healthy sex life is part of a healthy relationship.

[UKRomantic]

I think you need to cut down contact with this other girl too. Having contact as much as you do isn't going to help your crush on her, it's just making things worse.

[searock]

Yep. See a marriage counsellor to help rekindle the passion in your marriage, and stop being in contact with the other woman. You need to learn how to rekindle that "spark" in your marriage, and to stop seeking it elsewhere.

Seeking it elsewhere is the easy way out, but even though it's going to require a bit of work, getting it back with your wife is going to be far more fulfilling in the long term.