is he too good to be true?

[fairydust28]

Hiya im new to this im Gem
Basically, ive been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks now, we met on an online dating website and hit it off straight away. I have three children and so does he, ive met his kids, hes met mine, kids met each other, he met my family and ive met his sister and nephew. All so far so good. we are at the stage where we are referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, all sounding good yes?
But, im worried he is too good to be true. My relationship before him was unhealthy. I fell for the guy big time, he treated me like dirt and cheated etc. Yet every time I would try and end it with him he would come round making me all these false promises and say everything I wanted to hear and once he had enough he dumped me. Im scared the same thing is gonna happen again. I am starting to become attatched to this guy. starting to feel things for him. i have told him how im feeling and ive told him that because of my last relationship I dont like feeling vulnerable or letting me guard down because I dont want to get hurt again. He tried to reassure me that hes not out to hurt me etc etc he says he cares about me and to stop worrying because were getting on well and that but thats all the stuff my last "boyfriend" would say to keep me sweet when I felt I should leave. I dont want the same thing to happen again. so far hes been nothing but perfect. he brought me flowers the 2nd time we met, hes brought me my favourite chocolate and turned up at my house with painkillers when i had a headache. he got my my favourite perfume for xmas. but all of this seems too good too be true and its making me want to pull back so i dont get hurt. Am i being crazy?

sorry for the long post!!
X

[surfhb2]

You guys are very new in a relationship. Just relax and enjoy the ride for now. As you get to know each you'll find out if Hes real or not. But don't go into a relationship being scared.....at the same time, don't get all hung up on love. It's way too early for those kinds of feelings

[fearoflove]

This isn't a long post at all!
In my opinion, it was only 6 weeks. It's too early to tell if he a good man or not. Just give it time. I also think it was too early for him to meet your kids and your family. Perhaps, seeing him fit into your family could have contributed to speeding up your attachment to him? There is also a danger of your kids getting attached to him too soon. I will say, stop with the frequent family contacts and get to know the guy better. Give it time to observe his actions and ask him questions to get to know him better. Slowly, when you are pretty sure you know him well, you can open your heart.

[fairydust28]

Yes i agree it was very early for getting the kids involved, we didnt really plan it like that. I needed to go shopping and it waas pouring with rain and I had all three of my kids and dont drive so he offered to drive us. He also picked us up from my mum and dads house on xmas day and my mum invited him and the kids over on boxing day so he came.
I have always had a problem that I fall too fast. we see each other 4 or 5 times a week and speak for a few hours everyday. I feel very comfortable with him and i think he does with me. but at the same time i just dont wanna get hurt and he seems like what i always wanted... just cant help feeling a bit scared. especially given the last relationship i was in. I dunno, im probably being crazy. feelings do that to me haha x

[fearoflove]

It is the oxytocin. Attachment is a biological mechanism for human beings to create communities and to ensure support for each other for survival. Maybe scale down the frequency of communication a bit. 4 or 5 times a week of hours long chatting will develop a quick attachment. Remind yourself that you don't know the guy very well. Make sure you draw boundaries so you will remind him to treat you respectfully. Most men are not bad guys but if the woman doesn't communicate to him what she expects from him, he would take advantage.

[fairydust28]

We have talked about what we both want out of relationships and life etc, we both want to find someone and settle down and that. we do seem to get on great but good things dont seem to happen to me a lot lol. hes supported me through a hard time already, the day before he contacted me online my nan passed away and i kinda word vomitted at him and it didnt phase him at all and he helped me through everything. I just dont want him to be not what I think he is. I saw him this evening and i dont think i will see him until weds now because i am busy the next couple of nights. I dont feel he is taking advatage of me but I have been wrong about people before. Im so confused

[AnErin]

So he buys you crap like chocolates, flowers, fav perfume, comes to your house with painkillers when you are sick...
He is a "nice guy". He is no alpha-male. I bet you have not even had sex with him yet and he is doing all this.
Don't worry, he is not going anywhere, you have him by the short hairs. Sounds like you got his ass trained.
He is not going to hurt you. On the other hand, he is not your "boyfriend", he is your doormat.
I would not be surprised if you dumped him. Nice guys get shit on routinely.

If he does not work out for you, send him my way. I need to find a man who will pay for a couple tattoos I have been wanting. I have a couple guys in mind but if they won't do it...

[fairydust28]

Umm im not quite sure how to reply to that? whether or not we have had sex is kind of irrelevant really but just to get it out there we have and we have a healthy sexual relationship as well.
Just to say, I dont see him as my doormat! I wouldnt take advantage of someones kindness as it has been done to me in the past and its not nice. I never ask him for anything and tell him I dont expect him to do things like that but he says he wants to. Im not stupid enough to dump someone because theyre nice. I want nice. Just the fact that ive not been treated like this before scares me because I dont want to get my hopes up then he turns out to be too good to be true. I hope youre right when you say he is not going anywhere. I hope im not wrong about him. he just scares me because i suppose im waiting for it to all go wrong

[Boisdevie]

He sounds like a genuinely nice guy - all that Alpha Male stuff is just so much bullshit - but if you overanalyse everything you'll blow it. You need to try to relax and go with the flow - I know, easier to say than to do.

[fairydust28]

Over anylyse is what i seem to do best haha. i think i need to relax and go with the flow but its hard... i dont want to blow it, i think deep down i know he is a nice guy and does nice things because he wants to. but i think i am still damaged from past relationship stuff. even the ex before my last ex wasnt very nice and im not a very good judge of charecter. I always think people are lovely but then turn out to be wrong. i just cant shake off the feeling he might not be genuine becuase i have never met anyone like him before.

[JadenMia]

I wrote a thread exactly like this a year ago. It doesn't seem to make sense to most people but I understand clearly what you are saying.
I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. I thought nothing of the terrible things he did and said to me and it became just a way of life for me.

Last year I met a man, things went SO well. He treated me so good and I just couldn't believe it was true.
After a few months he wanted to move in with me, meet my family, me meet his. Talk about how he had never loved anyone like this before..

To be honest I didn't believe it. How could he want to be with someone like me, I thought these things only happened to lucky people.
I had always heard, if it is too good to be true. It probably is.
I worried that I was kidding myself thinking that I had found someone who wanted to be with me.. But I sat back and enjoyed the ride. Pretty much waiting for the time to come where it would fall apart.

Now almost a year later we are still together I don't think it's 'too good to be true' anymore, but I still remember everyday how lucky I am and appreciate him loving me SO much.
We now talk about marriage, children, plan our future together. I will always appreciate him for how much he taught me about love.. When I was convinced I was unlovable.

All the best

[fairydust28]

JadenMia, Thank you, its good to hear back from someone who knows what its like to feel like this. im so scared of getting hurt again. my ex was manipulative and i feel he manipulated me into falling for him so he could use me as his puppet in a way. it took me too long to see what he was doing. the thought of falling for someone scares me no end, to leave myself open to hurt and more heartbreak it just overwhelming. To have had my feelings played with the way they were was a ahrd thing to go through, i had a lot of other stuff going on at the time as well which made the situation worse. I feel the same as you did, if it seems too good to be true then it probably is. i guess im waiting for him to change into an arse. I hope he doesnt. hes given me hope but that scares me. i dont even know if im making any sense haha

[Wakeup]

If you're that scared, then why are you even dating anyone at this point in your life? Do you want to set yourself up for failure? If you do, then jumping into the dating pool when you have so much unfinished baggage is exactly the way to do it.

Process your concerns or learn to read red flags so that you won't get hurt. It takes time to learn who someone is and if you move too quickly, then you're not going to give yourself the time you need to learn who you're pursuing really is.

It's great that Jaden appears to have found someone decent but that doesn't mean that you should jump right in without being aware. When words and actions match, then you have every reason to trust. When they don't, have the self-love to get out and KNOW that there will always be another man to replace him (eventually) but, if you have to replace, take the time to get over the failed relationship, process and store your baggage and then and only then, try again.

You can continue seeing him but you should make a point of getting a life outside of him as well. Form same sex friendships, spend time with your current friends, join groups that have your same interests, start a hobby that will keep you happy so that if things don't work out, your whole life won't end. Both you and Jaden need more then a man to keep your life balanced and happy.

[fairydust28]

I didnt realise how scared i was until i was already involved. I was fine before I started developing feelings and attatchment to him. Thats not to say I wasnt planning on this being how it is now, i just didnt know i was going to get so freaked out. I honestly thought I was ok.
what he says and what he does do match. he says he cares about me and i feel he is showing me he cares. but the problem is the fact that i was so manipulated in the past and i was just a game or a conquest to my ex that i dont want the same thing to be happening again.
I have friends, i have a social life. i have a life outside of him. i see my friends and keep regular contact with them but they also have their own lives. kids, partners/husbands. im the last one to settle o9ut of my friends. i dont knowif that maybe adds to the pressure im feeling right now

[Wakeup]

but the problem is the fact that i was so manipulated in the past and i was just a game or a conquest to my ex that i dont want the same thing to be happening again.

If you've learned from your own mistakes (allowing someone to manipulate you, not being aware of words that don't match actions, taking someone who has mistreated you back) then there is absolutely no reason why you would be manipulated again. You are that much more dating savvy now then you were with your ex because you have the experience and you know the bad signs so that when they first rear up, you can distance yourself and not take any shit. You can love without giving up yourself. Boundaries are there to protect you and if you fall and find out later that he's not the one, its so much easier to get over when you have your own personal power and self-confidence to be the one that ends it.

Take your new confidence from lessons learned and boundaries put in place and enjoy your life instead of fearing it.