Advice on age gaps and relationships...

[Narny8]

Hi there,

This is the first time I've posted on here, so I'm not really sure how it works, but I need some advice and any help would be muchly appreciated.

So I'll try to make this short, basically I went on holiday with my married friends to Bali a few weeks ago and she is half Balinese so they have a lot of friends and family over there. I met one of their good friends and he was really sweet and we hit it off pretty much straight away. It wasn't until a few days in that I found out his age. He is 43 and I'm 20. Normally age isn't an issue for me, but I've also never been with anyone with that large an age gap either. Also, I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions, but I have 3 protective older brothers and I'm not sure how they and my parents would react to the age difference.

He is also Australian and is back in Australia at the moment. I'm going to visit him next week and he will also be visiting me and staying late this month. Now if the age gap wasn't a big enough problem, he is going back to Bali in March and plans to live there and I have been accepted into the Navy and my enlistment date is in April.

It seems silly I know to be thinking so much into this so quickly, but he is a great guy and honestly, I haven't felt this way about someone for a long time. We're already texting each other all day and having hour long phone calls.

What are people's opinions on this? I'm sort of lost for answers at the moment. I would appreciate any feedback on this.

Thank you kindly!

Narny8

[Valixy]

How many chances do you think a long distance relationship with you enrolling in the navy would have if you were both in your twenties? Your personal circumstances and the distance make this a very complicated project to succeed. Age gap comes after that, imo.

[vashti]

I have 3 protective older brothers and I'm not sure how they and my parents would react to the age difference.

I'm pretty sure you DO. The age gap is completely inappropriate, and you know it.

We're already texting each other all day and having hour long phone calls.

He is 43, and has time to text "all day" and have hour long phone conversations? This behavior would be normal if he were 15-25, maybe, but not for a man his age. He clearly has problems related to immaturity, and even if you were to strike up the romance you are hoping for, it won't last long. You will continue to mature into a full-fledged adult, but he is finished. You will outgrow him in no time.

I won't even bother to address the fact that he is emotionally on the same level as someone young enough to be his daughter.

[smackie9]

It all depends on what you want out of it. If you eventually want a husband and kids then this is a waste of time, not to mention long distance. But if you want something casual with out any future expectations then go for it. Have fun.

[Narny8]

Vashti, I appreciate your honesty, but I don't appreciate the way you spoke down to me like I have no clue. Obviously this has been hard for me because I know what some of what you said is true. I don't believe what you said about him immaturity is true though. He has a lot of time on his hands because he was smart enough to work in the mines for years, save his money, go to Bali and then become sponsored as a pro surfer.

I think I'm going to take smackie9's advice on this one and just enjoy ourselves before we both go away. It would be half impossible to do the things I want in life with this man because of our circumstances and differences. So I'll just leave it as a fun fling and try to move on when I go away.

Thanks for the help

[surfhb2]

If this is just a little fling and you have no intentions of making this a committed relationship then have fun.

I'm the same age as this man and can tell you without hesitation that any man his age who has interests In a 20 year old IS immature......you can either believe it or not. Sorry

[vashti]

Vashti, I appreciate your honesty, but I don't appreciate the way you spoke down to me like I have no clue. Obviously this has been hard for me because I know what some of what you said is true.

I never spoke down to you; I just told you the truth. Your sensitivity is your conscience telling you I have a point.

I don't believe what you said about him immaturity is true though. He has a lot of time on his hands because he was smart enough to work in the mines for years, save his money, go to Bali and then become sponsored as a pro surfer.

Perhaps your definition of "smart" is different than mine, but where I come from, *desperate* people work in mines. Going off to Bali to be a pro surfer is the stuff of kid-dreams, not grown-up ones. Besides, he is too old to be a professional athlete, except maybe a golfer. I doubt he is all he is telling you.

[basilandthyme]

Perhaps your definition of "smart" is different than mine, but where I come from, *desperate* people work in mines.

The mining thing is very different here. Our mines are in a remote part of Western Australia and we're mostly talking open cut mines rather than coal mines. It's in an extreme hot and arid area, but is very well paid and it's not unknown for people to work for a couple of years, get a nice $$ nest egg and move on. A girlfriend of mine is a Chemical Engineer and she tells me about great financial opportunities for those willing to move there for a couple of years.

It's quite possible guy the OP is talking about is a FIFO (fly in/fly out to and from Bali to the mines). Great lifestyle and hard work combined.

I'm also reading that he *was* a pro-surfer. So, I guess I would be inclined to believe what he says about himself.

[basilandthyme]

Narny, while I'd be inclined to believe that he is who he says he is, I also have doubts about his maturity. I reckon he'd be great fun to spend some time with, but I'd be surprised if there's any long term prospects.

Most relationships I've known with this type of age gap do see the younger one outgrowing the older one. I remember one girl who told me that she married her older husband because she was attracted to his youthful outlook. But in the end, she outgrew him and it was his 'youthful outlook' which drove her away.

Have a fling with this guy and have some fun. But don't think to the future.

[vashti]

The mining thing is very different here. Our mines are in a remote part of Western Australia and we're mostly talking open cut mines rather than coal mines. It's in an extreme hot and arid area, but is very well paid and it's not unknown for people to work for a couple of years, get a nice $$ nest egg and move on.

My mistake. Obviously, the US has coal mines.

[4 ratties]

Hi! I'm 23 and my boyfriend of a year and a Half that I also live with is 36. Age is not an issue for us because he has ADHD so he is very hyper and fun like a young person. And Iam very mature and wise so were both about 28 years old mentally lol. I don't see the age as the problem. I see the distance as the problem. The chances of it working out are so slim because of distance and I really don't think your family will be supportive of it. You can try if it's something u feel very strong about but I think you will pay off more in the long run finding a guy closer to you. Goodluck

[Narny8]

Thanks for the advice guys... I've put a lot of thought into this and have decided to make this a short term thing for a bit of fun rather than a long term thing. We both have extremely different lifestyles and want different things for the future. While he'll be looking to settle down and retire, I'll be looking to get married and start a family.

While I still don't believe he is an immature man, as he was very unsure about my age in the first place and wasn't going to pursue anything with me because of it, I do understand where everyone is coming from. The advice has helped me to make a decision, I just needed a push in the right direction. I'll have some fun with him, no strings attached! While hopefully making a new close friend along the way. I don't think he could see future with me anyway because of the age gap, he felt very guilty and creepy because if it. It was myself that told him it was okay and we'll just have some fun for now and play in by ear. He's a good guy and I'm sure after all of this we will stay in contact.

Thanks again everyone