Why must I feel things so intensely?

[TheEvilJester]

(Note: Sorry. Another novel. LOL! I greatly appreciate anybody who can actually read the whole thing. For those who may like to help/comment, but cannot read this whole thing, I will add a tl;dr "Too long, didn't read" summary below.)

As always, I started to type this and it started to become a novel. LOL! You guys know me by now. So, I’m trying to keep this short and sweet. I guess I am not necessarily expecting advice here. More, this is just my chance to vent. Though, I certainly would greatly appreciate any advice/thoughts that anybody may happen to have.

So, for as long as I can remember, I have sort of felt things too much. In other words, I feel too intensely. It can be both beautiful, and at times the most annoying thing in the world. When I am happy, I feel it so intensely. When I am sad, that too, I feel so intensely. I like to call it my Monkism. Just like Monk says about his obsessive attention to detail, so I say about my intense feelings…. It’s a gift…. And a curse.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I will give you an example. I’ve recently met a new friend. She is an amazing person who makes me feel really good about myself, and she has gone out of her way to reach out to me (texts me from time to time, finds my super corny jokes funny, stuff like that). She’s a bit young (I’m 30 and she has got to be 20 or so) so I’m not sure I’d want to ask her out even if it were an option. But, I do want to be close friends with her. After coming to that conclusion on my own, I later found out she is in a relationship. No big deal, since I had sort of decided I would only want to be friends anyway. In time, who knows where fate may lead, but it isn’t like I am one of those pathetic guys waiting around hoping for my chance. She just seems like a great person, like somebody I want in my life no matter in what capacity that may be.

So, here is an example of my craziness. She texts me one night. Around, say 10:30 or so. At the time I was shaving and showering. I finished that and forgot that I had left my phone to charge. So, it was about 12:30 by the time I realized she had texted me. So, being my own worst enemy like I am, I spend the night freaking out that I ruined the friendship because she texted me and I wasn’t there to respond. Of course, the next morning we text and she assures me it is okay. But, of course, that isn’t enough. Then the Evil Jester in me starts trying to convince me that now she is going to stop being my friend because I apologize too much, or she’ll think I’m crazy for feeling so bad that I didn’t get her text.

I do have to say, though, I have come a long way. It used to be that I would let those ridiculous thoughts run away with me. I’ve gotten much better at that. I’m able to rationalize and sort of look at things through reasonable eyes. One thing I have found that helps me is I pretend the roles were reversed. For example, I imagine I texted a friend, and they don’t get back to me. I wouldn’t freak out and think they are a bad friend, I’d just assume they were busy and didn’t get my text until late. Then, I imagine the next day they text me and are very apologetic about it. I wouldn’t think they are a crazy person for feeling bad, I would think they were a really good person that it bothered them so much that they missed my text. So, I’ve gotten much better at being reasonable with myself. But, it is still a pain in my butt sometimes. LOL! Someday maybe I won’t be so weird. LOL!

tl;dr Summary:

I have always lived with feeling things too intensely whether I am happy or sad, I feel it way too much. I like to call it my Monkism, because like he says about his obsessive attention to detail, with my intense feelings...

It's a gift.... and a curse. One quick example is when a new friend texted me at night, and since I was shaving at the time, and then forgot I had set my phone to charge, I didn't get it until she had already gone to bed. So, of course, I freak out that I ruined the friendship because I wasn't there to get her text. When, in reality, any normal person would just think "Eh, he must have been busy, or something." And, in fact, had the roles been reversed, I wouldn't have thought about it for a second. I would have just thought she were busy and would get back to me some other time. Kind of have a double standard against my own self like that. But, I have been getting much better at rationalizing it out and realizing when I am being ridiculous/too hard on myself.

[3mK]

Find some hobbies to preoccupy your time with so you don't over think things like it seems apparent you have.
You missed a text and could only respond 2 hours later but you apologized? NO! The delay probably did more for you (before you apologized for it) than an instant response. If you are always available for a girl they will eventually wonder why you don't do anything else but "serve" them. That works against you.

She probably won't stop being your friend because you apologize too much but it could definitely hurt your chances of banging this chick.

[4 ratties]

"She just seems like a great person, like somebody I want in my life no matter in what capacity that may be."

Saying that is not healthy. U are putting this stranger on a pedestal. U don't even know how old she is but yet u need her in your life? Alrighty then.

She's a cheating tramp if she's texting u late at night

[TheEvilJester]

Find some hobbies to preoccupy your time with so you don't over think things like it seems apparent you have.
You missed a text and could only respond 2 hours later but you apologized? NO! The delay probably did more for you (before you apologized for it) than an instant response. If you are always available for a girl they will eventually wonder why you don't do anything else but "serve" them. That works against you.

She probably won't stop being your friend because you apologize too much but it could definitely hurt your chances of banging this chick.

...LOL! Well, thank you for the advice, but I'm not sure what part wasn't clear. I don't want to "bang this chick." She's in a relationship, so I view her only as a friend. As I said, I'm not really sure how I'd feel if she weren't in a relationship anyway. May have just wanted to be friends anyway. And, I guess you are right that apologizing for missing a text for 2 hours was probably not necessary. I am just overly hard on myself. I pride myself on being there for friends, so I hate to miss that chance.

But, it wasn't so much the fact that I didn't respond instantly that made me feel bad. If I had gotten it say a half hour or an hour later, I wouldn't have even apologized other than MAYBE a brief little "Oh, sorry. Didn't see your text until now." It was the fact that I missed it for 2 hours, to the point where it was late enough that she'd probably gone to bed for the night. But, I actually think you are right. Maybe not 2 hours, but I should definitely make it a point not to always jump the minute she... or anybody, for that matter, texts, e-mails, or whatever. Not that I'm one to play games with people, be it in a friendship or relationship. Just, I think you are maybe right that I don't want it to seem like I am always available at an instant. When somebody really needs me, sure, but in general I think you may be right that it is sometimes good NOT to be there at an instant.

"She just seems like a great person, like somebody I want in my life no matter in what capacity that may be."

Saying that is not healthy. U are putting this stranger on a pedestal. U don't even know how old she is but yet u need her in your life? Alrighty then.

She's a cheating tramp if she's texting u late at night

I must admit, I think you are right that I may be somewhat putting her on a pedestal. Though, I do think you are overreacting by gathering that from my above statement. By saying she SEEMS like a great person, like somebody I want in my life... how is that necessarily putting her on a pedestal? Again... I'm not denying you are correct about me. I think you are definitely correct in this case. She does seem like a great person, but she IS just that.... a person. For the record, if tomorrow she suddenly gave me a good reason to think she wasn't quite the great person I thought, it would be exactly the same as I have learned to do for anybody in my life these days. Which is to say, she would no longer be on the pedestal at all. It isn't like I'd let somebody treat me like crap, but keep making excuses and leave them up on that pedestal in my mind.

Trust me, I've learned the hard way about the mistake of putting people on a pedestal too many times in life. I can't help it that I do that, but what I have been able to change is how I react to it. So, it is one thing to put them on a pedestal in my mind. I just can't (and no longer will) allow myself to act on that. I will be the nice guy I hope to be around people who deserve it, but I won't tolerate people using me. Not anymore.

And, on a side note, I don't see why texting a friend means she is cheating just because I happen to be a guy. So she shouldn't be allowed to have friends?

Anyway, I actually wasn't expecting advice, but I want to thank you both. I think you both gave me some good advice and good perspective on the situation. I definitely think I could stand to be less available sometimes. Again, not intending to play games with her or anybody for that matter, but I just don't necessarily want people to think I'm some kind of loser who lives for nothing but being there for them at the drop of a hat. LOL! I do pride myself in always being there for a friend in need, and that I will not change about myself. But, for a friend just saying "Hey" or something like that, I could stand not to always jump at an instant.

As far as this specific situation (honestly, it was more so an example than a specific situation where I was looking for advice) I doubt I would have hindered the friendship, or anything for that matter. Quite frankly, the whole thing is probably not even a blip on her radar. Because... really... what rational human being would give a crap one way or the other about it? I just can't help myself that I sort of over-feel and even perhaps over-analyze things.

[michelle23]

Jester stop lying to yourself. We have been around here long enough to know your "friendship" with her is not innocent. Its in the early stages of an emotional affair and I do not believe for one second that you dont have a hidden agenda with her (even if it is only subconscious right now)

[AnErin]

You may be suffering from One-itis.
That is when you have only one dating prospect at any given time. The symptoms are -
You think of the person non-stop. You think the person is the best in the world. You overanalyze everything that happens or is said when it comes to the one person. You tend to ask everyone you know questions about everything regarding the person. You sit around and dream up things to worry about. All this EVEN IF the person of your desire has NOT given a solid reason to worry.

Yes it sucks when we suffer from that. I went through a bout of that with someone I am dating. We talked about things, and now we reached some understandings and everything is fine.

Your best bet is to seek additional people to date on occasion. You can also talk to her about things but without sounding needy. Even if she says what you do not want to hear, at least you will know.

OR, maybe Michelle is right. Though I have no clue what she looks or sounds like, I can still imagine her serious face and tone.

[Wakeup]

...LOL! Well, thank you for the advice, but I'm not sure what part wasn't clear. I don't want to "bang this chick." She's in a relationship, so I view her only as a friend.

Who are you trying to kid? Yourself I assume because you're not fooling anyone else.

[TheEvilJester]

Jester stop lying to yourself. We have been around here long enough to know your "friendship" with her is not innocent. Its in the early stages of an emotional affair and I do not believe for one second that you dont have a hidden agenda with her (even if it is only subconscious right now)

Well, I certainly cannot speak for her, but I can say that it seems perfectly innocent on her side. I very highly doubt it is an "emotional affair" on her part. An emotional affair would require that she were to take things beyond the level of what would be considered acceptable for two friends. If you were to pretend for a minute that she did not have a relationship, nothing she has done at this point would indicate in the least bit that she has even one bit of interest in me as anything other than a friend. I mean, cripes, if she weren't in a relationship, and I came here detailing everything she had done, people would be saying "Dude, you're in the friend zone. She's not interested in you except as a friend." Yet, in this case people are saying the opposite? LOL! It can't be both ways.

For my part, you can choose to believe me or not believe me. To be perfectly honest with you, I can't blame you if you choose not to believe me. My gender hasn't exactly set a good example in this world. But, I have no hidden agenda. My only "agenda" is whatever fate would decide should happen. I do not mess with somebody's relationship, partly because it is wrong, and partly because I would never want somebody to do that to me. As I've said, I'm not even so sure this is somebody I would want to be more than friends with anyway even if it were an option.

You may be suffering from One-itis.
That is when you have only one dating prospect at any given time. The symptoms are -
You think of the person non-stop. You think the person is the best in the world. You overanalyze everything that happens or is said when it comes to the one person. You tend to ask everyone you know questions about everything regarding the person. You sit around and dream up things to worry about. All this EVEN IF the person of your desire has NOT given a solid reason to worry.

Yes it sucks when we suffer from that. I went through a bout of that with someone I am dating. We talked about things, and now we reached some understandings and everything is fine.

Your best bet is to seek additional people to date on occasion. You can also talk to her about things but without sounding needy. Even if she says what you do not want to hear, at least you will know.

OR, maybe Michelle is right. Though I have no clue what she looks or sounds like, I can still imagine her serious face and tone.

Again, the problem with the "One-itis" theory in this case is she isn't a "dating prosepct" at all. Even so, I do think you are somewhat correct in your overall thoughts here. Well, except a few things. I don't know if she is "the best in the world." I don't know her well enough to make such a judgment. But, it does seem like she is pretty cool, which is good enough to make her somebody I want in my life, in whatever capacity the universe deems appropriate. I think I am probably causing the confusion here, so I apologize if that is the case. I think it is all part of my over-feeling things problem.

Let me put it this way... if tomorrow she turned out to be the biggest a-hole the world had ever seen, it would be no sweat off my nose. She'd be out of my life in a heart-beat. Sure, it would be sad because she seemed like good peeps, but as of right now, she's just a friend. My life wouldn't end if our friendship did. I'd just very much prefer that it did not end.

Not to mention, I have every intention of starting to try the dating thing again soon. My divorce is nearly finalized. Just waiting on receiving the final papers. Then I plan to get out there again, and I am hoping for the chance to at least date a few people, because that was something I never really got the chance to experience before. I would hope for the chance to date a bit before finding somebody I may think is my true soulmate. I mean, if my dream girl fell in my lap tomorrow, I'm not going to tell her to go the Hell away so I can date a bit, but it would be nice to experience the dating world a bit before settling down again.

Who are you trying to kid? Yourself I assume because you're not fooling anyone else.

Well, to put it bluntly, I don't give a rat's @$$ who I am "kidding." LOL! And, please Wakeup, don't misunderstand. I'm not saying anything against you. I completely understand what you think. Again, it seems like men always have only one thing in mind when it comes to women.

Fact is, I can't blame anybody for not believing me. None of you really know me from a hole in the ground. But, I for one am disgusted by men like that. I am perfectly capable of being friends with a woman and being okay with just being friends with her. I just think it is a sad, sad world we live in where that is such a hard thing to believe.

Again, everybody can believe what they want. All that matters is that I know the truth, and that God knows the truth. :-)

[Wakeup]

Whats sad, sad is your fawning over someone that is already taken. That's whats sad, Jester. You stagnate yourself from finding and paying attention to someone who you can actually form something solid with. Not too many woman take kindly to men who fawn over other woman when they are suppose to be in a relationship with them... keeping that in mind, tell me what is the "draw" to this woman that will (more likely then not) just cause you trouble in your future relationship(s).

Tell me you'd not be with a woman that didn't trust you with this 'friend' and I'll tell you well, be happy alone then.

[TheEvilJester]

Whats sad, sad is your fawning over someone that is already taken. That's whats sad, Jester. You stagnate yourself from finding and paying attention to someone who you can actually form something solid with. Not too many woman take kindly to men who fawn over other woman when they are suppose to be in a relationship with them... keeping that in mind, tell me what is the "draw" to this woman that will (more likely then not) just cause you trouble in your future relationship(s).

Tell me you'd not be with a woman that didn't trust you with this 'friend' and I'll tell you well, be happy alone then.

Again, I think perhaps I am creating the confusion, but my friendship with her doesn't hold me back from finding somebody with whom I could actually have something solid. As I've said, before I knew her I had every intention of getting back into the dating world when my divorce was final. Now that I know her.... I have every intention of getting back into the dating world when my divorce is final (which will be any day now, as the papers are now all signed and I am just awaiting the official document). A dating world which, for the record, does not include her in my view since she is in a relationship.

And to answer your last statement... hypothetically let's pretend I did get a new girlfriend and she was not comfortable with my relationship with this friend... Well, then I'd hate to lose the friendship, but she would have to understand that my relationship comes first, and that would mean we couldn't necessarily be friends in the same way. If I ever had a new girlfriend, I would certainly hope she would trust me, but I'd certainly understand her not wanting me to have a close female friend. So, I would do whatever it would take to make her feel comfortable with the situation. Within reason, of course.

[Wakeup]

You ask us why must you feel things so intensly: Perhaps you have good intentions but you're unable to follow through? All that you say above is easily said until the shit actually hits the fan. Anyway, you are telling us what we want to hear and what sounds good on paper. Lets hope you actually have personal boundaries in place and convictions that you adhere to and that you are smart enough to realize that if a woman is falling for you, when she doesn't have those very things mentioned, in place that you're smart enough to maintain your own boundaries and step away from her before you feel things so intensly.

Be well and Happy 2014 to you.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely understand that, Wakeup, and I do want to say that I really appreciate your honesty. Like I said, I don't necessarily expect people to believe me, because sadly, it isn't like men have given the universe many great examples. I mean, even a guy who seems as Disney as Michael Jordan has cheated on his wife. That really broke my heart (because I still had one at the time) when that happened, because he had always been a role model of mine.

I don't care if anybody believes me or not, because it only matters that I know the truth. And, I'm not trying to say I am a saint or anything. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. But, I don't think I could ever live with myself for making a mistake like that.

I do think that, if a situation like that ever presented itself to me (a female friend who was already in a relationship started to fall for me) that I would remove myself from the situation. It would suck if she had been a good friend, but I would have no choice in my view. I mean, it isn't like I've ever been in that situation, so I suppose I wouldn't know how I'd react unless it happens. So I can only comment on how I feel about that kind of thing.

[michelle23]

Your friendship with any woman will hold you back from finding something solid. I dont date guys who have female friends. Period
and there are plenty women like me in the world who are not naive enough to think that she does not hold a potential threat be it now or in 5 years time..

[TheEvilJester]

Fair enough, Michelle. I understand why you feel that way even if I may not necessarily agree. And, if it came right down to it, if I ever have a girlfriend in the future and she feels the same way, then I guess I would have to keep my female friends at a distance.

I don't think it is necessarily fair to ask somebody to stop being friends with anybody, especially when they possibly knew that person longer than you.... but I guess they'd have to remain "Facebook" friends at best. I don't know. The situation has yet to ever present itself to me, so I can't be sure what would be the best way to handle it unless it did. But, I can certainly understand a girlfriend not being comfortable with her boyfriend hanging out with other women, or a boyfriend not being comfortable with his girlfriend hanging out with other men.

[michelle23]

I would not ask him to choose me over anyone. I would just disappear. I have no problem with my bf talking to other girls. He talks to all my friends, my family, his friends gfs etc.. but he doesnt have close female friends and I dont have close male friends. Thats crossing a line IMO