Husband's Fight or Flight - Possible PTSD

[leese]

Let me say that I'm sorry for the long post. I know everyone says that, but you really need the details on this one.

I've been dealing with something with my husband for years now that has been only a minor to slightly above minor issue, until recent years, but the other day it got completely out of hand. My husband has always has what he calls a strong “fight-or-flight” response. The problem is, I've never seen the flight.

Myself and the children have leaned to never, EVER sneak up behind him and catch him by surprise. Because if you startle my husband he is apt to come around fist or boot first. And if he happens to have an object in his hand, if it's heavy, he will use that as a weapon. Oddly enough he has always managed to stop -just- short when he realizes who he is dealing with, and never hurt anyone in the house except for me, and that was only once year ago before the kids were born, and it was dark.

The same rules apply if you wake him up. If he is deeply asleep and you wake him up abruptly he will get this brief wild look in his eyes like he thinks you are trying to kill him and lash out. He has never actually struck me in this state, but he has knocked me away with his feet, and he has scared the children a few times when he has fallen a sleep on the sofa and they've woken him. Like I said, it normally only takes once, and you learn your lesson. The tragedy is, as disturbing as these events are, he is ALWAYS far more upset by these occurrences than we are. He will apologize profusely, seeking assurance that we are OK. He will ask over and over, “Did I hurt you? Are you sure you're OK?” Then repeat his oft used mantra of “never startle me, never spook me, please, it can be dangerous.”

But the problem has become worse, not because his behavior has change exactly, but because his hearing has. He doesn't hear as well as he used to, so it's for more easy to startle him than it used to be. He used to be one of the most aware people I knew. I don't know if that was a result of his “condition” or if that was a result of what caused his “condition” but he always had very high situational awareness, his “condition” was tolerable because he wasn't very easy to startle. As the kids were growing up I could ask him were there were and he always knew even if I didn't think he was paying attention. The man was observant, without seeming to be. His hearing, is changing all that.

Just the other day he was at the stove, I came in and put dishes in the sink, figuring he heard the dishes clink in the sink, then walked around and touched him and he swung around at me. He stopped at the last instant. I could see the panic in his eyes when he realized what he'd almost done, and I'm afraid he could see the fear in mine. He had nearly struck me in the face. He barged out in a mixture of shame and pride as men will do. And this lack of hearing has caused a more recent incident, the one that has brought me here...

My husband was in the back yard, clipping the hedges and I was sitting on the deck. Our oldest son walked out back to ask him a question and had to approach from behind because my husband was trimming the hedges in the corner by the pool. My son was mindful of his “condition” and said his name a couple of times. My husband didn't hear him. So my son lightly tugged on the back of my husbands shirt.

What came next I had never seen him do before. He swung around with the electric trimmers as though he were going to use them on the unknown assailant. My son of course spun and turned away, but because my husband couldn't instantly identify who he was dealing with, just someone's back, then he thew the trimmers at my son. My son yelled. My husband seemed to realize what he'd done and jumped into immediate action and went for the cord but by then the trimmers had already bounced off our son's back. Luckily no harm was done, but it could have been, very easily.

For the first time I realized that the only thing that has kept me, and my children from harm all of these years was the last second reprieve of my husbands recognition, but without it, he could harm someone.

Just in the interest of full disclosure, my husband went to a therapist about this problem when we were first married (the one and only time he ever hit me after I surprised him) and she diagnosed him with PTSD of a repressed origin. I have to be honest, although this behavior fits into the PTSD model nothing else about his does, but I'm no expert, but then again, that's why my I'm here. I'm looking for advice. Sorry for the long post, but you need the details if your to give solid advise.

Thank you for reading,

L

[michelle23]

Im not sure if this is the right place for you. You need to speak to an expert. Sorry I wish I could help more but I think your husband needs to see another therapist. I also suggest a hearing aid if he doesn't have one already

[someguyintexas]

My dad was the same way after Vietnam... he was able to overcome it but i don't know how. You think of hearing aids or maybe a flashlight or laser pointer to get his attention?

[HeartIsAching]

Sure sounds like it could be PTSD. Why hasn't he followed up with more therapy?

The only advice I can give you, is that you need to set a boundary - let him know that if it happens again and he's not actively in therapy for it, you're going elsewhere with the kids, as you don't feel safe. Perhaps that will shake him up enough to get him to take action.

[basilandthyme]

I'm very much of the same mind as HeartIsAching.

My biggest concern is your and the children's safety. As much as I know you and they love him, this simply isn't a safe environment for any of you. Sure, you can take your chances, but the children shouldn't be in this situation.

I suggest you get the children to a safe environment and return only when he's gotten this under control.