New ground for me...

[someguyintexas]

Hello All,

I am not one to post problems on the internet however in this situation I literally have nobody I can turn to or talk to. My fiance and I have been dating for 5 years and she moved about 300 miles away so she could get out of her mothers house and try living on her own. We both thought this was a good idea for her to move and we have been talking about getting married, though at the time we where not engaged. The idea was for her get out on her own and gain a little independence as well as find a place where her and I could move into when we did get married. About 4 months after she move I asked her to marry me and she said yes! Well, I have recently found out she has been cheating on me for the last year or so since about 6 or 7 months after she moved. She has come clean with me and I said if she wanted to save this relationship she needed to move back here and in with her mother, we are VERY traditional and will not live together until we are married. Well, she is moving back and we are going to see if we can move past this. A little T.M.I. here - we have never had sex with each other again due to our traditional values. I have had several girlfriends before her however I am her first boyfriend. I have have forgiven her for her what she did and asked her for forgiveness for my part in this, not moving up with her sooner. I know I can look past what has happened and not have any uncomfortable feelings, myself, when she gets back however I am not sure how to help her feel more comfortable. I know the trust will take time to rebuild so we are going to go to couples counseling at our church to help with that.

I am sorry to ramble, I just wanted to try and give people as much information as I could.

This is my first forum post anywhere so please be gentle...

Thank you

someguyintexas

[basilandthyme]

I said if she wanted to save this relationship she needed to move back here and in with her mother, we are VERY traditional and will not live together until we are married.

This bit you've written is what worries me. Perhaps I'm interpreting it incorrectly, but it sounds like you're calling the shots here...which is a great way to make a person resent you. I'd be more comfortable if you'd written "we've discussed this and she feels that she should move back home - which is something I totally agree with".

Thing is, other than her feeling sorry for what she did, you mentioned nothing about how your girlfriend sees the way to move forward. Has she expressed an opinion of her own - or is she simply agreeing with what you've told her to do?

Lastly, why did she move so far away? She could have found her independence equally as well living near you. It just seems really odd that she'd choose to risk the relationship by moving so far.

[RipVanWinkleX]

So you are not going to live together just because you are traditional? I understand standing what you believe in, but this is not just about you. It's about YOU and HER. There needs to be a agreement. You can't always have it your way.

[someguyintexas]

Fair enough. I was wording it from my point of view trying to get as much information in as I could. Her father and mother (they are separated) both live down here however the rest of her family lives where she moved is why it was so far away. The idea, when it started, was she would move and find a place for US to live while I worked on getting transferred. That was the idea that WE discussed. As to her moving down here, yes I am calling the shots on that. She had been cheating on me for over a year and telling me lies the entire time we where engaged. After I found out I asked her if she still wanted to marry me and she said yes so I told her I would forgive her for everything over the last year knowing it's life experience she obviously needed before we got married. She agrees that the only and best way for us to move forward is for her to move back here. She is not excited about moving down here, however she is excited about rebuilding our relationship and the prospect that it is not over. She was worried that she had ruined any chance with me after what had happened.

[someguyintexas]

As to us living together and having traditional Christian values... That is something we BOTH share, it's not just ME or HER it's US. It's not me trying to have it MY WAY...

[Boisdevie]

As to us living together and having traditional Christian values... That is something we BOTH share, it's not just ME or HER it's US. It's not me trying to have it MY WAY...

Is it traditional for Christians to cheat on each other?

[someguyintexas]

It is traditional to realize we are human can/will sin, it is Christian to forgive. Don't know how helpful your comment is. Thank you though.

[DalM0m]

Her cheating wasn't a one time thing. She had an on-going relationship with this other person. She was looking for something you weren't or couldn't give her.

If she had sex with him but not you, I don't think you should get married. Also cancel the wedding plans as soon as possible so you get as much of your deposits back as possible. The longer you wait, the less money you will get back.

[surfhb2]

I don't get it? If she cheated why are you still with her?

[someguyintexas]

DalMom - She did have an ongoing relationship with him for about a year, maybe a little more since I don't know the exact details. She was a virgin and we where waiting until we where married to have sex, that is, in part, why it hurt so bad and why I turned to here instead of talking to friends. All of our friends are mutual friends and I do not want anyone to think less of her for her lying and cheating, it's not they type of person she is. So, here I am... My big issue, at this point, isn't the cheating, the sex, or even the lying... It's the forgiveness... I have forgiven her and she is moving back down here, away from him, so we can heal the damage. I am worried that I will make comments or say things and might make her feel like I am beating her up over this and that is not what I want to do. I also don't want her own guilt to eat her up inside now that i know what happened, don't what her to beat herself up.

How can I make her feel better and help her to realize I am over it? It's time for her and I to get back to God and rebuild the foundation of our relationship on Christ.
How can I get the negative thoughts and feelings that I might not be able to fulfill her needs?

I have talked to her about what she liked about him and the relationship they had. Three big reasons she was with him. 1 - She was alone in a new area and here was this guy paying attention to her. She did not date in high school or collage, she is beautiful but just not something that topped her list of things to do, her priorities where different that others her age at that time. 2 - She did not have anything like a "Wild" youth, never had the free spirit as her sister has had. She had always been VERY conservative and she was jealous of what she thought her sister had and she was missing out on. 3 - He reminded her of me in allot of ways. Being lonely, missing me, and having this "New" experience of a stranger paying special attention to her that only one other person had shown her, and this guy was allot like the other.

I know if I can get over myself and help her get over any feelings she has, with God, we will overcome this.

Thank you for your reply,

someguyintexas

[someguyintexas]

surfhb2 - that is easy to answer... I Love Her!

[surfhb2]

surfhb2 - that is easy to answer... I Love Her!

Well that makes you a douchebag and unable to accept help in this situation doesnt it?

[someguyintexas]

Well that makes you a douchebag and unable to accept help in this situation doesnt it?

If what you where offering was help then I am more that capable of accepting it. Insults are defiantly not helpful. Good luck to you and I pray that if you need help and advise people listen to you and try to show some empathy.

[smackie9]

So for over a year, she was having a full relationship with someone else. Obviously she felt no real guilt the whole time (red flag). Or it took her that long to see the light? Come on, she is just using so called "strong Christian values" as a shroud. Typical religious crap to excuse poor behavior and bad choices. Go to confession, say a few hail marys and boom all is forgiven.

[smackie9]

If what you where offering was help then I am more that capable of accepting it. Insults are defiantly not helpful. Good luck to you and I pray that if you need help and advise people listen to you and try to show some empathy.

I pray for your sanity, because no sane person would accept such an atrocity.