feelings toward the wrong person

[thisisntme]

i've been in a fairly healthy, married relationship for 8 years; i'm 26 years old. neither of us is terribly romantic, but we sincerely care about one another. i'm generally not one to feel or express a wide range of emotions - those stay mostly in my head, and my actions are based on logical thought, etc. i think that's why this rush of emotion is so confusing.

almost a year ago, i became friends with a guy. he was dating when we became friends, but is now single. i've tried to help him through his prior relationship troubles/break-up and have taken a keen interest in trying to help him find someone new. i'm painfully aware that i'm doing this because i like him, and it's much easier to view him as a strictly platonic friend when both of us are in committed relationships.

we have had zero physical contact other than the occasional pat on the back. but neither one of us can seem to go a day without talking to each other. it's all been non-controversial/non-sexual topics that i would not feel awkward discussing with a female friend. ceasing communication altogether is not an option because we regularly work together. also, i would rather not lose touch with someone who i should be able to be mature enough to see as just a good friend.

i have always/would be okay with an open relationship, my husband would most certainly not. (this is not something i brought up until recently, and then only in a very vague manner - i figured he would be more 'traditional' didn't want to take the chance that both of us wanted a more open relationship but were afraid to tell the other.) the primary thing missing from our relationship - on the surface - is simply dating and/or romance. he's aware that i've been unhappy lately, but not why. i can't explain exactly what's missing to myself, regardless of feelings i might have for anyone else. my husband and i are working on going on more dates, etc. and i'm trying to stay positive, but it's difficult.

i don't believe i can tell my husband about my feelings for my friend, because (a) he became jealous/paranoid about the guy before i had any feelings whatsoever, therefore i would lose a very good friend in order to not lose my husband and (b) it would crush him, regardless of the fact that i'm not acting on my feelings. (the sad part is that i didn't notice/develop any feelings until shortly after my husband started getting defensive...i just had a friend who happened to be a guy, no big deal...until i thought about it.)

i would appreciate any strategies that members may have discovered that help keep relationships grounded where they're "supposed" to be, or any other thoughts.

please feel free to ask for any other details...i may not post them here if the details are too identifying/personal (i'm a bit paranoid) but will gladly pm them if you're interested.

[michelle23]

Your having an emotional affair and sorry to burst your bubble but if you want to save your marriage then you have to cut contact with this guy. You broke a rule in marriage. You never become close friends with a member of the opposite sex. And its got nothing to do with being mature enough not to let feelings develop. Feelings develop bcoz your a woman, hes a man and your too close. Its v simple

I dont believe that you really want an open marriage. I think you just want this guy and the closer you get to him, the more you are pushing your husband away. You cannot fix your marriage when theres someone between you making you think the grass is greener.

You need to cut this guy off and put all your energy into your marriage befire you throw it all away. Get couples counselling if you need it now before this affair turns physical coz it will if you dont take action now

[michelle23]

I'll just add you are v young and have been married for 8 years. Maybe your marriage has run its course. Maybe your just not happy and you want out. If that is the case then end it if that is what you want but do it bcoz your marriage is over-not bcoz there is someone else. End it with dignity, respect and love for this man you have shared a huge chunk of your life with-not through an affair or for someone else.

Then be on your own for awhile. You cant just hop into a rebound after 8 years of marriage. You need time to find yourself again

[thisisntme]

First, I will be blunt here, but I do appreciate your reply as it gives me an additional point of view.

You broke a rule in marriage. You never become close friends with a member of the opposite sex.
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I dont believe that you really want an open marriage.
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You need to cut this guy off...

1. What country/religion/mantra says married persons cannot have friends of the opposite sex? That sounds naive and/or sexist at best. By that logic, are gays not allowed to have friends of the same gender and bi's not allowed to have any friends at all?

All of my close friends but 2 are male; I'm kind of a tomboy and it's never been an issue before. I'm aware of possible attraction issues but my regular attire of a sweatshirt and jeans combined with my common references to activities, etc. with my husband make me obviously unavailable and, in one of their terms, "not actually a girl". (Said as a term of endearment...sort of...like I'm their sister.)

2. I came across the concept of open relationships at 16 and always would have preferred them after realizing they sometimes exist, but at that point the only people dating non-exclusively were just looking to get laid by anyone possible. That trend seemed to stick through early adulthood so I gave up on it. Point being, this is a decade-long thought for me that has stayed constant even though I'd never had a desire for another person in that time.

3. Again, I cannot entirely cease communication with him unless someone wants to pay my salary and I can stay home. I'd be fine with that! I could cut out extraneous communication, but honestly when we talk more he feels more like a platonic friend/brother, and the time between chats is when confusing feelings build up. Once we're talking again, everything's "normal".


Tl,Dr: Still looking for concrete ways to improve situation. I read somewhere that it's suggested to hang out as a couple with opposite sex friends, so maybe I'll give that a shot. Seeing the two guys interacting might help my brain put things in perspective better.

[Wakeup]

1. What country/religion/mantra says married persons cannot have friends of the opposite sex?

Your very situation is what says you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. You are in love with the idea of him, with the attention he gives you, with the way he makes you feel needed because you 'help' him with his romantic dilemmas (little do you know that you cause most of them because he, just like you is confused about what you two are to one another)

If you want to be NON-monogamous then may i suggest that you leave your husband who does only want one partner and find someone a little more compatible with your sexuality and the dynamics of your relationship needs. Would this guy you're acting an idiot over be jiggy with an open relationship with you? If he would, then I suggest you get into an actual relationship with him first (after leaving the poor sap you string along at home) so that he doesn't just keep you around as one of many to do when it's your turn (or vis versa if he's actually wanting more then a pretend-relationship-of friendship-while-I-long-to-be-more-than-that-to-him/her type fiasco.

You're so in denial and you're so unfair to your husband as you pour more and more of yourself into your pretend romance/infatuation/in the guise of plantonicness and you grow the emotional GAP between your betrothed and yourself.

You can fool you with your placating in-head dialogue but you can't fool us.

Adding:

3. Again, I cannot entirely cease communication with him unless someone wants to pay my salary and I can stay home. I'd be fine

Ho pullleeeeese!. You don't have to quit your job to stop talking to someone that you're behaving inappropriately with. All you have to do is keep it to work involvment only and no more of this extra-curricular horse shit you've been carrying on with him and soon enough, the infatuation will wane and it will wane faster if you pour as much attention into your husband and he you instead of this man.

Still looking for concrete ways to improve situation. I read somewhere that it's suggested to hang out as a couple with opposite sex friends, so maybe I'll give that a shot. Seeing the two guys interacting might help my brain put things in perspective better.

Too late, darl'n. You should have introduced him to your husband long before you fell emotionally involved with him. Doing what you propose now will just put you in his company even more which isn't a good thing for your husbands sanity or your marriage in general.

Stop all contact except when absolutely necessary at work and see if you can regroup with your hubby. If you can't, then break up with him and search for someone who is more compatible to you and your particular okay-ness with poly.

[michelle23]

You know there is a massive difference between platonic friendship and what you are doing and you know it. I have both male and female friends. Do I see any of them every day? No. Do I have a crush on any of them? No. Do I feel lost if I dont communicate with them everyday? No. Do I go out of my way to help them with their love life/relationship problems? No. Do I let them lean on me for emotional support constantly? No. Am I the only person they confide in? No. Do I instint on spending one on one alone time with them? No.

you are in denial about this "friendship". Your cheating on your husband emotionally. Every relationship has boundaries and lines you do not cross (even open ones). And you have already crossed a few.

And you dont want an open relationship. You want a polygnous one-there is a difference. Open relationships are about one night stands and sex normally. Polygnous are about multiple relationships.

And yes it is possible to reduce most of the contact between you. All you need to do is say hello and sometimes talk about professional matters. Its not rocket science

[4 ratties]

Maybe your marriage sucks because your talking to this other man every single day. I doubt your husband would be okay with this so in a way you are cheating. Your never going to quit talking to this guy so Goodluck with your divorce. Hope your husband can find someone loyal and mature next time.

[smackie9]

You are in such denial that this is OK. 8 years ago you over looked the fact that emotional connection/romance was lacking....this is called settling. Now you are paying for your poor choice years later. It's a no brainer your marriage is leaving you emotionally un-fulfilled so you found someone else to fill this void. You are so far in so deep you now strongly defend your choice to have this relationship with this man. It's like an addiction, that the very thought of removing this man from your like is killing you inside....letting go is not an option for you. We see right through this, we have seen this on the boards many times.

This relationship cannot be grounded....there are strong feelings on both sides, and you can't change it.

This relationship is a symptom of the issues that lie within your marriage. You don't need to expose your emotional affair with said fellow, but you need to express the problems, and how you feel about the present situation in your marriage to your husband. But that's providing you want to save your marriage. Having an open marriage obviously is just grasping at straws....is it financial stability is what truly keeps you in this marriage?

[thisisntme]

You are in such denial that this is OK. 8 years ago you over looked the fact that emotional connection/romance was lacking....this is called settling. Now you are paying for your poor choice years later. It's a no brainer your marriage is leaving you emotionally un-fulfilled so you found someone else to fill this void. You are so far in so deep you now strongly defend your choice to have this relationship with this man. It's like an addiction, that the very thought of removing this man from your like is killing you inside....letting go is not an option for you. We see right through this, we have seen this on the boards many times.

I did not feel like I was settling at the time - my husband was and is a great guy, though we almost have *too many* similarities such that our personalities aren't complementary in the least - but this is what I'm trying to work through and determine in my head. I am feeling emotionally unfulfilled in some ways, but it's mostly mundane stuff. I'm satisfied in most aspects and "didn't think there was anything wrong", so it's unnerving to find that there seems to be something missing, however trivial or inexplicable it may be.

This relationship cannot be grounded....there are strong feelings on both sides, and you can't change it.

The emotions are one-sided, unless him telling me frequently how much he wishes to be with his ex, and the steps he's taking to try to make that possible, is how otherwise honest guys communicate their desire for the person they're talking to. : ) If anything, I believe part of the reason he's interested in talking is because I'm "safe": I am not a risk of turning into a rebound for him, as could be the case for single or barely-attached women. But, I still can give different/quasi-female points of view as compared with his guy friends, and we have a lot of common interests to talk about.

This relationship is a symptom of the issues that lie within your marriage. You don't need to expose your emotional affair with said fellow, but you need to express the problems, and how you feel about the present situation in your marriage to your husband. But that's providing you want to save your marriage. Having an open marriage obviously is just grasping at straws....is it financial stability is what truly keeps you in this marriage?

About the open marriage idea, see above - it's not something I'm dead set on, just something a topic I wanted to clear up before it came up. Preempting the question obviously was not the way to go!

And good question on financial stability, I know that's what causes a lot of indefinite, unhappy relationships. In our case, though, I have enough of a safety net and salary that I could move out tomorrow and (financially) continue living my life the same very frugal way. But, obviously that's not what I'm looking to do, or else I wouldn't be trying to find a way to get my emotions in check.

Thank you for this last part, finally I can respect an answer here I've talked to my husband about general concerns but I'm not sure what else to say besides "Hey, you know that one guy I talk to? Yeah, he fills an inexplicable emotional need that you are not, let's work on that. And what can I do better while we're at it?" And...saying that is not really something I'm comfortable doing *in those terms*. If I can find a way to describe it that isn't accusatory toward my husband (in the sense that he's failing to fill whatever that inexplicable need), and makes it clear this friend hasn't been making passes at me (I'm not willing to destroy a friend's integrity to save my own skin, and he will NOT believe that I had feelings for the guy without them being reciprocated) then I feel like I could just suck it up, lay this all out, and see where things go. But I haven't found a way to do that, yet...

[thisisntme]

I'm not sure whether to be impressed or disturbed by the imaginative assumptions made in most of these replies. If every passing infatuation that lives solely in a person's head is a reason to give up on a marriage, it's no wonder divorce rates are so high!

And to clear things up, he's not into me as more than a friend. At all. Not sure where that idea came from, but I don't remember writing it...if I had reason to believe he was, I would have cut contact already because (a) I don't want to risk myself being caught at an emotionally weak moment and doing something incredibly stupid and (b) if something like that were to happen, I would lose respect for both him and myself, which I'm not looking to do.

Your very situation is what says you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. You are in love with the idea of him, with the attention he gives you, with the way he makes you feel needed because you 'help' him with his romantic dilemmas (little do you know that you cause most of them because he, just like you is confused about what you two are to one another)

I can guarantee that I did not cause his 'romantic dilemmas'. He still wishes to be with his ex-gf, and is very open about this. She broke up with him because of external factors that are entirely in her court. (I won't elaborate in the thread because the situation is too specific, but will in PM if you feel the need for me to prove it. Baring my feelings/problems is one thing, but I'm not willing to make the experiences of someone else so publicly and permanently available. I hope readers can respect that.)

If you want to be NON-monogamous then may i suggest that you leave your husband who does only want one partner and find someone a little more compatible with your sexuality and the dynamics of your relationship needs. Would this guy you're acting an idiot over be jiggy with an open relationship with you? If he would, then I suggest you get into an actual relationship with him first (after leaving the poor sap you string along at home) so that he doesn't just keep you around as one of many to do when it's your turn (or vis versa if he's actually wanting more then a pretend-relationship-of friendship-while-I-long-to-be-more-than-that-to-him/her type fiasco.

I brought up the open relationship concept because I expected it to be a topic that a poster might ask about or suggest, and didn't want it to be something that was dwelled on. It's something I'd accept, but not something I actively want.

You're so in denial and you're so unfair to your husband as you pour more and more of yourself into your pretend romance/infatuation/in the guise of plantonicness and you grow the emotional GAP between your betrothed and yourself.

You can fool you with your placating in-head dialogue but you can't fool us.

The potential gap was what I was asking for advice on, and unfortunately have not seen any here yet: I want to figure out new ways to improve my current relationship that involve my husband and myself.

And thanks for clearing up that I can't fool you; I was awake all last night wondering whether my intricately fabricated, fictitious emotional descriptions would be convincing enough for such an objective mind. Phew! (Okay, sarcasm over...)

Too late, darl'n. You should have introduced him to your husband long before you fell emotionally involved with him. Doing what you propose now will just put you in his company even more which isn't a good thing for your husbands sanity or your marriage in general.

Stop all contact except when absolutely necessary at work and see if you can regroup with your hubby. If you can't, then break up with him and search for someone who is more compatible to you and your particular okay-ness with poly.

They have been introduced (as would be the case with any guy colleague that I had the opportunity to introduce, and had a reason to meet up with outside of work) and have been in one another's company briefly a few times, but not enough to interact much. And again, lack of contact increases my "idealization" between times that we see one another. Since I cannot avoid seeing him entirely (it is literally impossible unless I wear a blindfold around the office and plug my ears), that sounds like more of a time bomb than anything.

You know there is a massive difference between platonic friendship and what you are doing and you know it. I have both male and female friends. Do I see any of them every day? No. Do I have a crush on any of them? No. Do I feel lost if I dont communicate with them everyday? No. Do I go out of my way to help them with their love life/relationship problems? No. Do I let them lean on me for emotional support constantly? No. Am I the only person they confide in? No. Do I instint on spending one on one alone time with them? No.

you are in denial about this "friendship". Your cheating on your husband emotionally. Every relationship has boundaries and lines you do not cross (even open ones). And you have already crossed a few.

Perhaps I have a different definition of friendship, then. Everything you list (except the crushing) is something I've done with friends of both genders over the years, though the friendship evolves and changes over time, with "peak times" either being at the beginning of a friendship or just during times/seasons when we're able to visit with one another more often. I have few people I consider true "friends" (can count them on my hands), but I trust each of them completely.

And you dont want an open relationship. You want a polygnous one-there is a difference. Open relationships are about one night stands and sex normally. Polygnous are about multiple relationships.

That's true, "open relationship" probably isn't the right term. Polyamory is probably what I'm trying to describe, polyromance would be even closer except for the word "romance" being so subjective. Polygamy would definitely not be, as I don't have an interest in marrying multiple people.

And yes it is possible to reduce most of the contact between you. All you need to do is say hello and sometimes talk about professional matters. Its not rocket science

See above for why I believe this makes the situation even worse. I've tried it already.

Maybe your marriage sucks because your talking to this other man every single day. I doubt your husband would be okay with this so in a way you are cheating. Your never going to quit talking to this guy so Goodluck with your divorce. Hope your husband can find someone loyal and mature next time.

My husband is aware, as I do not hide any of my actions from him. (Obviously, these emotions I'm keeping to myself until I figure them out, but that's a first.) Time with my friend has never taken time away from time with my husband - I make damn sure of that. My friend and I typically don't have long conversations, but it's unlikely (though not unheard of) that we'll go a day without saying "hey, how are you doing?" "i'm alright, and you?" [insert about 3 more minutes of generic talk] "okay, see you later."



I may not reply to this thread again, as (oddly enough) most of the accusatory replies have made me a great deal more confident in my marriage. If a twinge of lust is enough for me to feel like I'm doing something wrong, when others assume I'm lying and downplaying it and blow it out of proportion to assume the marriage is over, then I suppose I'm doing something right by dealing with it sooner rather than later. Backwards? Maybe. But if it works, it works.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, people can and do have successful open marriages/relationships but generally, this is established at the beginning of the relationship where both partners knowingly and willingly enter into something that will involve other people. You can't expect, after 8 years (8 years of having a 'traditional' marriage) to turn around and say "oh actually, I want to completely change the dynamics of our relationship". This isn't what your husband signed up for, nor was it something you expressed when entering into the marriage.

On the other hand, you've been in a relationship since the age of 19 - one that lacks romance and passion, by the sounds of it. You're both perhaps too alike in that neither of you easily expresses this sort of thing so it's gotten stale. Of course, other people will start looking more exciting, more appealing...perhaps you're coming across men with different personalities that are opening you up more. Understandable. But it's tricky territory - you don't want to end up a cheater, nor does it sound like you want to lose your husband, which could very well end up happening as I don't think he's going to turn around and agree to threesomes and what not any time soon.

Open the lines of communication, for a start. Express what is making you unhappy and give each other the time to change things. This other guy is like a a torch that is highlighting what's wrong in your relationship...but don't let that torch blind you, how you proceed could have significant consequences that you may regret once the crush runs its course.

[thisisntme]

OP, people can and do have successful open marriages/relationships but generally, this is established at the beginning of the relationship where both partners knowingly and willingly enter into something that will involve other people. You can't expect, after 8 years (8 years of having a 'traditional' marriage) to turn around and say "oh actually, I want to completely change the dynamics of our relationship". This isn't what your husband signed up for, nor was it something you expressed when entering into the marriage.

(I won't blame you if you didn't read my pages long reply that addressed this!) I'm really not "looking" for an open relationship. I would gladly accept one, but most people I know who might be amicable to the idea are far more interested in sex and drama than conversation and emotional fulfillment, and therefore are not people I would want to spend time with. I only brought it up to immediately get past the (assumed) question, since I'm not going to push for this if my husband isn't comfortable with it.

On the other hand, you've been in a relationship since the age of 19 - one that lacks romance and passion, by the sounds of it. You're both perhaps too alike in that neither of you easily expresses this sort of thing so it's gotten stale. Of course, other people will start looking more exciting, more appealing...perhaps you're coming across men with different personalities that are opening you up more. Understandable. But it's tricky territory - you don't want to end up a cheater, nor does it sound like you want to lose your husband, which could very well end up happening as I don't think he's going to turn around and agree to threesomes and what not any time soon.

This is exactly right, and I recognize that it's the reason why I'm likely looking outward. And yeah, Cards Against Humanity is about as risque as we'll ever get with more than just the two of us : )

Open the lines of communication, for a start. Express what is making you unhappy and give each other the time to change things. This other guy is like a a torch that is highlighting what's wrong in your relationship...but don't let that torch blind you, how you proceed could have significant consequences that you may regret once the crush runs its course.

It's difficult to describe what's making me unhappy/unfulfilled much of the time, because it's an unexplained feeling. I'd be grateful for any guidance as to how to articulate this or possible stabs-in-the-dark at what I feel like I'm missing. I can say that it's not general connection/understanding, comfort/security, or sex. (There are plenty of other things it's "not", but those come to mind as the ones others might suggest off the bat.) It might be "romance" but as someone who hates most cliche romantic gestures, I'm not even sure what I want from that, much less how to explain it to someone else.

[michelle23]

You got v good advice here. Your defensiveness says everything about your denial. We have seen your story a gazillion times and believe it or not-we do not what we are talking about. Nobody attacked you or accused you of anything. We gave you facts and solutions. Go and research emotional affairs if you dont appreciate the advice your getting here. Maybe an expert will sugar coat it for you, give you some flowery words and even some sympathy but the facts, solutions and advice will stoll be the same

[smackie9]

Suggest a marriage counselor....that would be the best way to communicate your issues with him. You don't have to tell him in detail why, when you approach him, you just have to tell him that you haven't been happy simple as that.

[Wakeup]

If every passing infatuation that lives solely in a person's head is a reason to give up on a marriage, it's no wonder divorce rates are so high!

The reason the divorce rate is so high is because people like yourself marry people that they shouldn't be marrying. Like your husband and you are prime examples of that; you are open to non- monogamy... he likes monogamy. That’s just one really good reason why you should not have married who you did. You are now in trouble in your marriage. As for your comment on assuming. I'd think that you are more in denial then any of us have been assuming.

And to clear things up, he's not into me as more than a friend. At all. Not sure where that idea came from, but I don't remember writing it...

YOU are certainly into him... and ... you don't have to actually say the words "he’s into me" to know that he's acting inappropriately with a married woman. His action as you describe them are clear.

if I had reason to believe he was, I would have cut contact already because (a) I don't want to risk myself being caught at an emotionally weak moment and doing something incredibly stupid and (b) if something like that were to happen, I would lose respect for both him and myself, which I'm not looking to do.

Sadly you think how you're currently carrying on is appropriate. That is one example of your own denial.

I can guarantee that I did not cause his 'romantic dilemmas'. He still wishes to be with his ex-gf, and is very open about this.

Oh ffs. You are still with your husband aren’t you? That's what cheaters do, they want someone else but they stay with old faithful because of the security, the habit, the financial situation they don't want to give up. That's what the two of you are now in the middle of.

[quote] She broke up with him because of external factors that are entirely in her court. (I won't elaborate in the thread because the situation is too specific, but will in PM if you feel the need for me to prove it. Baring my feelings/problems is one thing, but I'm not willing to make the experiences of someone else so publicly and permanently available. I hope readers can respect that.)I don't give a shit why he broke up with his ex. This is your thread and I'm addressing you and what I see in your responses and in your denial.

I brought up the open relationship concept because I expected it to be a topic that a poster might ask about or suggest, and didn't want it to be something that was dwelled on. It's something I'd accept, but not something I actively want.

Would your husband accept? Would your husband even contemplate? Two people with different sexual dogma... hardly a surprise that you've allowed this emotional affair to develop within yourself, never mind what your "crush" is feeling or not feeling. This is about you.

The potential gap was what I was asking for advice on, and unfortunately have not seen any here yet: I want to figure out new ways to improve my current relationship that involve my husband and myself.

We've given you advise on that. Cut out the horseshit with the other guy and put your focus (emotional, physical, spiritual) back where it belongs ~ on your LIFEpartner not some twit you have taken in as your sole source of "need to be needed."

And thanks for clearing up that I can't fool you; I was awake all last night wondering whether my intricately fabricated, fictitious emotional descriptions would be convincing enough for such an objective mind. Phew! (Okay, sarcasm over...)

Like I said... you're in total denial and you ain't fooling us.

They have been introduced (as would be the case with any guy colleague that I had the opportunity to introduce, and had a reason to meet up with outside of work) and have been in one another's company briefly a few times, but not enough to interact much. And again, lack of contact increases my "idealization" between times that we see one another.

Oh look you actually admitted your enthrallment of him. Are you dumb enough not to realize that NO CONTACT is how you get over your infatuation... feeding yourself your drug of choice (in this case your emotional affiar buddy) isn't going to rehab you from him. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette.

Since I cannot avoid seeing him entirely (it is literally impossible unless I wear a blindfold around the office and plug my ears), that sounds like more of a time bomb than anything.

Its easier for you to find excuses to continue on in your emotional madness then it is for you to just do what any decent married woman would do by cutting off all outside contact that doesn't pertain to work and by distancing yourself from needing to be needed by him (this bs about his ex for example, like you can actually help him with that pfffft. and lol)

You don't want advice on how to get back on track with your husband... you want to argue why you can't try anything other then remain emotionally embroiled with your "friend" while keeping your husband happy. Carry on then.