How would you characterize this person / situation?

[RobertWQ]

So this is a kind of followup thread to those I've been writing about that asian girl who has been my lab partner this semester.

See prior threads for background:

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/85619-One-Girl-Responds-Badly-to-Good-Gestures-and-Another-Does-the-Opposite-Why
http://www.loveforum.net/threads/85890-Does-this-girl-like-me-or-not


As our "relationship" or affiliation has evolved, I've come to understand her better as well as her situation better. For example, a few days ago she finally told me about her boyfriend of 2.5 years, even though she had strategically omitted characterizing him as such (e.g., "that guy you met") at every other opportunity.

This was in a way helpful to me, because although I already knew he was her boyfriend (Google), I wasn't sure if they were in some kind of open relationship or something like that, and this helped set my emotions right with her so to speak (instead of me being confused by her simultaneous interest but distance).


Anyway, she does seem to want to maintain a friendship or whatever with me, and does things to further that as far as I see it, but although I like her on just about every level, there is one aspect of her behavior toward me I find troubling.


Basically, she is always really nice to me to my face, but I happen to know that she makes some derogatory jokes about me behind my back. When we are interacting she is always nice and when she compliments me I think she may mean it. I think she looks up to me to an extent for example, and she has told me as much, but I also know she says condescending things about me when I'm not around.

Usually this would be a clear case of not a workable friendship / affiliation ... I mean, why have friends who treat you that way? However, I like this girl on literally every other level (well, except that she has a problem with telling guys about her boyfriend), and am not so willing to just cut her out of my life.



However, I feel like with her, I will never be treated in a fully authentic way by her. I'll always be an "outsider" to some extent (she is kind of poor and I think Filipino, whereas I'm white and not poor), and she'll always kind of treat me as such. I think she is a talented, (otherwise) sweet, and driven girl, and I probably fell in love with her to some degree at least as we've been working together. And it is rare for this to happen (about 4-5 women total ever including this girl).



So my question is, why does she act like this? And what does that say about her as a person, and about our future together in any kind of friendship etc.? (And yes I do realize I need to find a woman who treats me better, is single, and appreciates me in a more genuine way and all that.)

[BackUpOrGetStng]

****in pussy.

[RobertWQ]

You think I'm being a sap here? I don't see it that way. I can always date other women. Any more insightful advice?

[basilandthyme]

If there's one thing life experience has taught me, it's that trying to understand why someone behaves as they do will just do your head in. Besides, you'll never figure it out anyway.

After having this realisation, my dating ended up being a choice of "is this behaviour/situation acceptable to me?" The answer is a binary yes/no. And then I'd move forward or move on.

It's the best advice I can give.

[RobertWQ]

That's probably pretty good advice, thank you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You think I'm being a sap here? I don't see it that way. I can always date other women. Any more insightful advice?

This one isn't interested in you in the slightest, so I don't even know how there was even a question of you having to date other women. I thought the question was whether you should remain "friends" with her. The girl doesn't respect you. Probably using you for a grade.

What is she saying about you behind your back?

[RobertWQ]

I thought you meant I was being a sap for continuing to be involved with her if we weren't dating.

Well, she might be using me for advice and knowledge and stuff. And yeah, I agree, she doesn't respect me in the right kind of way (she'll defer to me and be really nice but then be mocking behind my back). She just says stuff like she thinks I can be a jerk at times, and then sort of silly comments that might mock my appearance a bit or stuff I do. It's always kind of difficult to characterize a situation fully in text like this (but perhaps it isn't necessary), but to be honest I don't mind her company and if I can help her out (even in these circumstances) I don't mind that too much either.

It's more interesting / fun knowing her at the moment than not.

[michelle23]

Look up emotional affairs. Your an emotional crutch but she will still go home and f**k her bf.. if your smart you will stay away from her. "Kind of in love with girl who has bf" is not smart

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[BackUpOrGetStng]

Nah, you're being a bitch. More fun knowing her than not just means you don't have shit going on in your life.

[RobertWQ]

Look up emotional affairs. Your an emotional crutch but she will still go home and f**k her bf.. if your smart you will stay away from her. "Kind of in love with girl who has bf" is not smart

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Yeah you're probably right here. I guess I like her company. I mean there are other girls I could be more interested in. For example, that other girl from my thread actually started calling me recently ... and there's a girl in my lecture class I'm pretty sure likes me too, though the semester is almost complete. And there are girls where I live here in affluent white people world who smile at me et al but I would like something different. I'm not going to go into detail on this as it's not the main point of the thread. There will be other women next semester too etc.


But overall, to BU's point, in a way you're correct. I'm a post-bacc student at a University without a lot of students like me, so when I find someone I like I suppose I'm inclined to want to continue contact with them ... We have similar goals, views on many things, it's good to know other people doing the same thing you're doing, etc. I can't see how there can be anything that wrong with it, aside from the fact that our interaction hasn't seemed strictly friendship base (which would be fine with me) because she always hid the fact that she had a boyfriend from me.

Anyway, I get it that it's silly and pointless ... but I still enjoy her company and I find the whole thing interesting. I don't think it's taking away too much from me engaging with other women, and it doesn't seem to have any other major negative effects so I'm going to continue it until that changes, if it does.

[RobertWQ]

Besides, to be honest, she's so sweet and vulnerable, that until she does something really egregious, I can't just leave her.

[surfhb2]

Besides, to be honest, she's so sweet and vulnerable, that until she does something really egregious, I can't just leave her.

Yep! Thats what little pussy nice guys who dont know how to tell a girl what they want do. Good Luck!!

[RobertWQ]

Ah, you guys don't get it even though there's truth in what you're saying. I don't really care if I sleep with this girl, I'm not sure I even would until I had really gotten to know her. She's not stopping me from dating other women, and I'm not actually inclined to want to intervene between her and her boyfriend either. I DON'T want to just **** her either ... sometimes the experience is worth it ... I guess this is hard to understand.

What would you suggest surfhb? Tell her I want her, try to seduce her, break up her and her boyfriend, create a huge mess after which she's likely to be worse off?

I think we can probably end up being friends, and if it develops into more than fine, and if it doesn't, it doesn't, and I am enjoying her company in the meantime and I find this interesting as I said, so I don't think it's that big a problem.

[michelle23]

Its not hard to understand. Your one of many idiots who get caught in a love triangle and pretend your okay with just being friends.. then you fall for her, she sucks your emotions out, you may have a little rebound fling, she runs back to bf, your left hurt, hating all women, losing trust and faith in love.. end of story.. seen it enough times to already no how this is gonna play out.

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[RobertWQ]

I see what you're saying but I doubt that is what's going to happen here. And I'm not sure what makes you think it's acceptable to call me an "idiot," etc.