Issue I never really expected to have.... Kind of a "Friend-Zone" sort of thing...

[TheEvilJester]

I have lost count of how many times I have tried to write this thread just now. I kept trying to do it and it was winding up way too long. Those of you who know me by now here will not be surprised by that at all. LOL!

So, I'm trying (yet again) to just make this very short. (If anybody is truly interested, I can go into greater detail later, or even in a PM if you were that interested).

A new girl started coming to my game night recently. She hasn't been there every single week, but she has come in a handful of times already. We do get a new visitor from time to time, but very rarely a female visitor. She is really awesome! She is a lot of fun, very friendly, very funny. Best of all, she really seems to like us, and she even finds me funny. I LOVE corny jokes, so if somebody actually finds my goofy sense of humor funny, they are instantly somebody with whom I can easily be friends.

Knowing myself, everything about her should make me have a HUGE crush on her. Funny enough, I find myself wanting to be friends with her, not necessarily wanting to ask her out. (Ahhh, threw you off with the title, didn't I? You thought this was a question about how to get out of the friend zone. LOL!) It isn't anything about her. I'm not really sure why. (Though, I think it may be because I get the hunch that she is a lot younger, like maybe 10 years younger. I know that isn’t much, but to me 20 and 30 are a big difference in your lifetime.) And, don't get me wrong, if she happened to be single and SHE asked ME out, I would have a hard time saying no. Not sure I could resist if that were to happen. But, I find myself wanting to be friends with her. And, it's weird, but I've never felt so strongly about a girl without it being somebody on whom I was crushing. I find that she is somebody I really want in my life, and not just as somebody who shows up to our games from time to time. I mean, in all likelihood, she will probably wind up being just like any of our part-timers. She'll come around a few times, then disappear completely. But, I find myself really hoping she sticks around and considers herself one of our regulars.

So, I found myself with a strange issue I never even really thought of before. As a guy.... how can I, for lack of a better phrase, sort of ask a girl out... but strictly as friends? Complicating matters a little bit is that, it was later revealed that she does have a boyfriend (If you are wondering, no, I did not ask. He actually just recently joined us one game night.) On the one hand, that helps because the option wouldn't be there anyway even if I had started to crush on her. On the other hand, though, that also kind of complicates things because I sort of feel wrong trying to be friends with a gal who has a boyfriend. He's not going to believe that I just want to be friends with her, and I don't want to cause trouble in their relationship.

So, sort of a multi-part question here.

• First off, is it best just to not bother to pursue a friendship since she has a boyfriend?
• If you think it is okay to pursue a friendship with a girl even if she has a boyfriend (so long as you make it clear that you aren't being a creep, and you just want to be friends) how exactly do you go about doing that?
• Just in case the situation should ever happen to come up again.... let's say she either didn't have a boyfriend, or I didn't know whether she did or not.... How do you ask somebody of the opposite gender out strictly as a friend? I'm not really even sure how to go about something like that.

Thank you so much to any of you who can help. And, especially thank you if you can get through my long posts. LOL!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You are dense. If you want to ask her out as a friend, then ask her to go do something with you and some friends. Don't flirt or send any signs of interest.

[TheEvilJester]

I was kind of thinking that may be one good way to do it. Basically just invite her to group activities. (I had also thought of making it a specific point to tell her to bring him as well) In the long run, it could evolve into us becoming friends one on one as well, and hopefully if that did happen, by then both her and her boyfriend should know me well enough to know I wouldn't mess with somebody's relationship.

My only concern is that some people tend to be overly judgmental about a guy being nice to a girl. I've seen, way too many times, where a guy is accused of flirting just because he is being nice. As I said, I wouldn't want to potentially cause issues in her relationship, but I'm not going to not be nice. I would ABSOLUTELY NOT do anything that is flirtatious, or showing interest in her as anything other than friends, but sometimes people still find a way to try to turn that into something it is not.

Anyway, anybody else have thoughts/advice on this situation, or one like it?

And, for the record, BackUp.... you are correct. When it comes to many social interactions, I am somewhat dense. LOL! I have always been too shy to have all that many social interactions at all, so now that I am learning to get over that, I sort of don't know how one is supposed to act in certain social situations.

[TheEvilJester]

I am never the type of person who will constantly bump his own threads hoping to get more responses. So, this will be the last time I bump this particular thread. I was just hoping maybe a couple more people may have some advice here. Because... I have to say... in all that I have been through lately, in coming back up for air and being ready to start my life over for the better... this is not really an issue I was ever expecting to face. I hadn't even really thought of the possibility of something like this happening. So, I'm not really even sure how you handle something like that.

[iloveyoukaola]

I am never the type of person who will constantly bump his own threads hoping to get more responses. So, this will be the last time I bump this particular thread. I was just hoping maybe a couple more people may have some advice here. Because... I have to say... in all that I have been through lately, in coming back up for air and being ready to start my life over for the better... this is not really an issue I was ever expecting to face. I hadn't even really thought of the possibility of something like this happening. So, I'm not really even sure how you handle something like that.

I agree with you

[michelle23]

I dont think men and women should be friends-not close anyway (texting, hanging out one on one) especially if one or both of you are in a relationship.. i think you should move on if you dont want to date her

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[PatriciaQT]

I dont have a friend zone
I just have friends.

If I want a man he knows it.
There can be no mistake.

[TheEvilJester]

I dont think men and women should be friends-not close anyway (texting, hanging out one on one) especially if one or both of you are in a relationship.. i think you should move on if you dont want to date her

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I appreciate your honesty, even if it may not be the advice I was hoping to hear. Though, I do have to say in all honesty, that I don't 100% agree. I mean, ignoring this specific situation, I think sometimes the best of friends can be of the opposite gender. Heck, a few of the best friends I have EVER had in my life are current friends of mine who happen to be female. Also some of the best friends I have ever had in the past have been female.

And, I know it isn't like anybody here knows me personally, so you can't know whether to take me at my word or believe I am just like any other guy who says things like this and doesn't really meant it.... But the honest to God truth is I would NEVER do anything to cause trouble in somebody's relationship, nor would I ever attempt to take a girl away from her current relationship. I would sooner cut off a body part with a rusty fork rather than do something so heinous. In fact, I've always had this sort of bizarre realism about my feelings, in that if I know a girl is taken, I actually can't even bring myself to think of her as anything beyond a friend, unless that situation where to happen to change.

Anyway, all of that is beside the point of my current "situation." I'm not really sure what exactly to do with the current situation, which is why I kind of wanted to get some thoughts from others. Ultimately, obviously I will have to come to my own conclusions and do what seems best to me (which, honestly, very well could mean NOT doing what I want to do), but I wanted to at least get some advice/ get a feel for people's general thoughts on the situation.

I dont have a friend zone
I just have friends.

If I want a man he knows it.
There can be no mistake.

So, I'm not sure I understand on which side of the fence you are sitting on this one. Again, possibly my fault, as that giant novel of a post you saw from me was, believe it or not, my attempt to keep the story short. LOL! So, allow me to give a more succinct summary if that helps.

I recently met a new girl (she has been coming to my game night) and she is awesome. However, I sort of find myself wanting to be friends with her as opposed to wanting to ask her our as more than friends, which is how I felt before I even knew whether or not she had a boyfriend. As it would turn out, she does have a boyfriend. That uncomplicates things on one hand, as her and I could be friends without me worrying that I am giving her false hope if she were interested and I found myself still wanting to be friends. However, on the other hand, that complicates things in that I don't want to cause trouble in her relationship. I mean, just like any relationship, who knows if it will last forever, or if she could wind up single in a few years or whatever? But, I refuse to be the cause of any issues. If they wind up together or they don't, that is up to them and to fate. I would NEVER attempt to, desire to, or even give the impression of desiring to mess with somebody's relationship.

Anyways, thanks to those of you who may have advice, and thanks to those of you who have shared your thoughts already.