Would this be a red flag?

[Boisdevie]

In the interests of educating myself further, and at the same time trying to understand women here's my question. If, when you have the first few dates he/she goes on an nauseam about what a horrible person their ex was, would this be a red flag? Does it suggest that they're not mentally ready to move on? Or is it good that they feel able to unburden themselves in such a way?

[HeartIsAching]

It'd be a red flag for me...

[vashti]

Red flag... even if she thinks she is ready to move on (and I am pretty sure she isn't), who wants to spend their life listening to someone b*tch about their ex constantly?

[thebluepill]

Red flag.. She is not over the ex yet, therefore, she is not ready for a relationship. If you care for her, if you think she is worth it, then help her heal, keep your distance and wait for her to be ready.

[smackie9]

Red flag! red flag! If they have nothing better to talk about, that says a lot about them....that they were the problem in the relationship, not the exes.

[Rowen]

Not always a red flag... Sometimes, it just presents their fear up front and lets the person know you have to go slow because they're being more careful from now on.

But most of the time, it is a red flag due to the fact it seems like she's still hung up on him. Is she the type that is saying she wants to go slow?

[TheEvilJester]

You know... if it just came up for a topic of discussion casually, I'd say it may not necessarily be a red flag. But the fact that you said she went on and on about it most definitely seems like a red flag to me. Especially within the first few dates. That is the sort of thing you talk about in more depth if/when you become more serious. A little complaining here and there is fine, but over-doing it sends one of several possible, and very unflattering messages. She could not actually be over her ex. She could very possibly be a difficult person (maybe the problem wasn't her ex, but actually that she is way too picky/rude/nasty/etc.). Or, she could just be an innocent person who got hurt and never wants to repeat that mistake. But, by throwing all this at somebody so soon, she will very possibly chase others away.

Not to mention, it is VERY RARE that the fault in a relationship is 100% with either party. If all she can do is complain and complain and complain about her ex's faults, maybe it shows that she is unable or unwilling to admit her own faults in the whole situation. We've all known the type who can never admit they are wrong, and in their mind, all their problems are everybody else's fault. Would you want to wind up with somebody like that? Would you want to be treated like you are always wrong even when you are not? So, she isn't doing herself any favors by going on and on about it too much so early in your relationship. Maybe she is just a nice person who got hurt, but it certainly doesn't make it seem like she has gotten over it yet and is truly ready to move on.

[smiling100]

In the interests of educating myself further, and at the same time trying to understand women here's my question. If, when you have the first few dates he/she goes on an nauseam about what a horrible person their ex was, would this be a red flag? Does it suggest that they're not mentally ready to move on? Or is it good that they feel able to unburden themselves in such a way?

In my experience it's a red flag & have not moved on, even if they say they are ready.

How long ago did they break up?

[michelle23]

Red flag. Y do you ask?

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[Boisdevie]

Red flag. Y do you ask?

Just trying to understand my GF better. Before me she was subject to domestic violence from an ex and was taken for a ride financially from another. When we met she talked quite a lot about this and I don't know whether it's a red flag or whether it's her letting me know about her background so that I can understand her better. After all, we are all products of the past to one degree or another.

[TablesandChairs]

I spoke about my ex to my current partner - not on the first date or anything, but as time went on. I should say - I was totally over my ex at that time, it wasn't about that. It was more about sharing my past, giving him some insight into my experiences. Some of what I said was negative, some positive...we all have a past, talking about it doesn't necessarily mean we're not over it.

Of course, there's a limit. If 90% of conversations revolve around her ex...no good.

[Boisdevie]

I spoke about my ex to my current partner - not on the first date or anything, but as time went on. I should say - I was totally over my ex at that time, it wasn't about that. It was more about sharing my past, giving him some insight into my experiences. Some of what I said was negative, some positive...we all have a past, talking about it doesn't necessarily mean we're not over it.

Of course, there's a limit. If 90% of conversations revolve around her ex...no good.

Thanks for the comment. No, she doesn't go on about it endlessly and we do all have our baggage, me included.

[searock]

I think it's different if the ex stories are about domestic violence and/or rape. In that case, it's a positive thing if someone talks about it with their new partner. It's not just saying "my ex used to hate going to the movies", it's telling about a traumatic experience that is part of their past as a person.

[hatesthis]

In the interests of educating myself further, and at the same time trying to understand women here's my question. If, when you have the first few dates he/she goes on an nauseam about what a horrible person their ex was, would this be a red flag? Does it suggest that they're not mentally ready to move on? Or is it good that they feel able to unburden themselves in such a way?

I don't know, unless she does it with every new guy she meets, then yes, but if she doesn't open up easily and was able to with you, and vent about the ex, then isn't a red flag to me. Doing it one time isn't bad, running down the ex every conversation would be a red flag to me, almost to point of an obsession.

[Valixy]

Your post remindes of that fact that I mentioned some of the problems I had with my previous boyfriend to my ex, while he kept very quiet about his divorce and only answered shortly to a couple of questions I asked. I even doubted then that I did the right thing for some reason. It turned out months later that I whilst I had completely moved on from my previous relationship, he and his ex, four years after their divorce (no children involved), hadn't. So, not a red flag in my opinion, unless she continues speaking like that about her ex in the future.