Problem with friend's younger brother

[AltBreezers]

Hi forum peoples, I've never been here before but I figured this was as good a place as any to look for advice. This is hardly the most severe problem in the world, but it was bugging me so I thought it'd be nice to have some people to bounce questions off.

I'm a guy, 20 years old, but this seemed like more of a teenagery kind of problem. I've noticed recently that my (female) best friend's younger brother seems to have a crush on me. He's about 14, I think; I've known him for 7 or 8 years. Whenever I've been around her family recently, I've noticed this. At first I thought it was just your typical "younger kid thinks older guy is really cool" sort of scenario, since he's always seemed to enjoy talking to me when I'm around anyway. But lately it's been different. He stands/sits quite close to me when he talks to me, he seems extra interested in my opinions, and when I was with their family at a vacationy thing, he seemed a bit put out when he learned he wouldn't be sleeping next to me. None of this really bothered me, it's kind of endearing really, and it seems pretty harmless.

But the other day I was hanging out with them and he was acting in a way that switched me from thinking "huh, he seems to be acting a little different around me" to "wow, this is getting really obvious". My friend and her family were joking around and putting their heads on my shoulders (don't remember why, honestly) and her brother did too. And then stayed resting against me after everyone stopped until I had to subtly shake him off. And when I left he wanted to hug me, which was a bit odd, as we had never done that before. But I figured why not?, so I did. And then as I was actually walking out, he ran back up to me and hugged me again. He tried to play it off as a joke but not very convincingly (I should note that both times I had to end the hug because he certainly didn't seem like he was planning on letting go anytime soon).

So basically I'm starting to think I might have to actually confront this issue if he's going to keep doing stuff like that (and maybe trying more than that). I do over-analyze things, so I wanted to ask if it seems to you internet people that I'm correctly interpreting his behavior. And then more broadly, I wanted to ask, how might I go about explaining that what he seems to want isn't going to happen? I like the kid a lot and I don't want to be too harsh. Nor do I want to make him feel like his feelings are unimportant since he's young, as I know from my 14-year-old experience that that'll only make him cling harder to his feelings. The reason I'm talking to you folks, by the way, and not his sister (my friend) is because if I'm reading this situation right, he's gay, and I don't think that's open knowledge. I'm trying to tread carefully around privacy here.

Also, I'm aware that this several-paragraph detailed analysis of a small issue makes me seem paranoid and obsessed. But this is just how I solve problems, don't worry.

Short version: What's the best way to nicely reject a 14-year-old boy? I've never done it before.

[HeartIsAching]

Easily accomplished:

"Sorry man... you're too young, and my gate doesn't swing that way."

[smackie9]

Just ask him if you can ask a real personal question. "Are you gay?" Then say "Before you answer, you have nothing to worry about, I won't say anything to anyone, it will be between you and me." "You have my word." If he says yes tell him you are not. If he says no, just tell him that his affection towards you makes you uncomfortable, and he should kool it.....that's not how guys behave around one another.

[Rowen]

Just ask him if you can ask a real personal question. "Are you gay?" Then say "Before you answer, you have nothing to worry about, I won't say anything to anyone, it will be between you and me." "You have my word." If he says yes tell him you are not. If he says no, just tell him that his affection towards you makes you uncomfortable, and he should kool it.....that's not how guys behave around one another.

^ I really like this way of handling it. ^

Personally, I can relate to his side due to the fact that I had gone through one or two similar things around his age. For instance, I had a massive crush on this one guy in my homeroom class back in Freshman year of high school. We became friends and shared quite a bit together. Finally, I felt like I had to tell him, and he told a number of people in school and basically treated me as if I were convicted of witchcraft in Salem way back when... :S But on another note, he did apologize years later.

Still, don't handle it the way that he did, and I think it's really nice that you are considerate of his feelings. I would either do it the way that smackie suggested, but I would also maybe add to that by telling him that if he needs a friend to lean on and talk to things about, you're there for him (that is, if he confirms he's gay which I really think he will). This lets him know that he's not alone because, especially at 14, it can be pretty damn scary when no one knows. Yet, I would only add that if you're going to follow through, which it kind of seems like you're a nice enough guy to. Just a thought...

Hope this helps some!

[DalM0m]

Smackie's approach is sensitive but . . .

Directly addressing this is not wise. Kids get their egos hurt all the time but gay kids or kids who are figuring out their sexual identity face additional struggles.

You are going to have to do this more subtly. Do everything you can to avoid physical contact. If he sits next to you, move. If he goes to put his head on your shoulder step back. You have seen women do this all your life. Take a page out of their books. Also talk about hot girls when you are around him. If you don't want to offend his sister, keep the comments G or PG rated & about celebrities rather than women you know.

eventually he should get the message that you aren't interested but because you never formally rejected him in words, it will seem more like his idea & won't hurt so much.

Even if you did fancy him (or he was a she), once you are over 20 stay away from people under 18 as romantic partners.

[smackie9]

I dunno, I think it will teach the kid that talking about it is OK, and he doesn't have to bury his feelings.


I wish the adults I grew up were open to discuss things with me instead of sweeping things under the rug. It made me very lonely trying to deal my stuggles on my own.

[michelle23]

Umm im not sure.. he could be gay but there could be more to it than that.. is his father absent, is he being bullied, abused?? Maybe he sees you as a brotherly/fatherly tupe. He could just be a hurt kid crying out for some affection.

My little sister is 12 (im female) and shes like this with me. Always has been but more so over the past year or two and i know its coz she has anxiety and just needs a cuddle..

It could just mean he trusts you. I wouldnt accuse him of being gay.. not even in a sensitive way.. maybe pretend youve got a gf and tell him if he needs a friend your there

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[Rowen]

I agree with smackie that it would be allowing him the chance to know that it's not something which has to be kept in the shadows. One thing I've experienced in my teenage years was a fear of discussing it. Even when my mother found out, since it was never really talked about with us I was always incredibly uncomfortable sharing any details about my love life with her. Dave is the exception because now I've kind of had that chance to be more vocal about it and open up more with others which made me see talking about it is fine.

However, in basil's defense, it could go either way. So, if the OP chooses direct contact about it, it would be wise for it to be done with positivism- that he walked away from it with a friend he can open up to. Maybe even the OP knows other gay guys that he can introduce to the kid (someone a little younger and safe, of course). If his ego is hurt, I think the safest bet is to make sure he realizes he's not alone and that he will find someone who makes him incredibly happy who can return his feelings. Just a thought, though.

[michelle23]

My friend was the opposite. He told his parents at a young age and his mum was always fine with it-his dad is okay with it but never really talks about it. He found it much harder to tell friends. I knew for years before he ever actually said anything and he casually mentioned it one day when we were talking about dating. About how this guy tried to kiss him but he wasnt interested and then he told me how he bumped into his ex bf and they went for coffee. I think he was subtly trying go gauge my reaction and when i didnt react and just asked some qs-he tells me everything now

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[smackie9]

Sorry Michelle but young girls are different than young boys in how they behave, their wants and needs are different too.

Boys usually show affection by play fighting, or wanting the person to ingauge in a game with them.

[michelle23]

Ya i get that but i wouldnt just jump to the assumption that hes gay.. my friends little brother is an abused child. His mother and sister scream at him frequently, he gets no affection or attention and im always extra nice to him for that reason. He always wants to hold my hand and hangs in my every word. Sure its possible he may have a little crush but i think the poor kid is just desperate for someone to be nice to him and not make him feel like shit all the time

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[Dr-Love]

Umm im not sure.. he could be gay but there could be more to it than that.. is his father absent, is he being bullied, abused?? Maybe he sees you as a brotherly/fatherly tupe. He could just be a hurt kid crying out for some affection.

My little sister is 12 (im female) and shes like this with me. Always has been but more so over the past year or two and i know its coz she has anxiety and just needs a cuddle..

It could just mean he trusts you. I wouldnt accuse him of being gay.. not even in a sensitive way.. maybe pretend youve got a gf and tell him if he needs a friend your there

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Once again i agree with michelle the kid could be straight as an arrow, he just probably longs for brother or some sort of role model and he chose you because "you're the cool older brother he wants/needs". even in big familys children especially his age tend to be lonely and in need for someone to talk to and you probably are the best option hes got. i wouldn't think too much into it

[Rowen]

Once again i agree with michelle the kid could be straight as an arrow, he just probably longs for brother or some sort of role model and he chose you because "you're the cool older brother he wants/needs". even in big familys children especially his age tend to be lonely and in need for someone to talk to and you probably are the best option hes got. i wouldn't think too much into it

But where is his father in all this? Certainly, the OP has not confirmed the father is not in the picture.

[Dr-Love]

But where is his father in all this? Certainly, the OP has not confirmed the father is not in the picture.

i understand that but even with a father in the picture kids that age tend to be more comfortable with the older brother type rather than the parent because in the eyes of kids(most anyways) they're parents aren't cool enough to talk to(about certain things) or they're just plain embarrassed to do so

[michelle23]

Sorry Michelle but young girls are different than young boys in how they behave, their wants and needs are different too.

Boys usually show affection by play fighting, or wanting the person to ingauge in a game with them.

I think your stereotyping. Ive two little male cousins. One happens to be very sensitive, emotiomal and cuddly.. hes a little sweetheart. Hes 10 btw but not all boys are completely shut off from their emotionals unless they are taught to be

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