Confused in Dallas

[HeartGames]

(Ok...first off there is no Cliff Note version of this story...so it is going to seem long and drawn out. I apologize for this beforehand but it's truly the only way to express all of the emotions and issues at hand in this situation properly. So if you make it to the end...you are a persistent one and I applaud you and very excitedly await your advice.)


From the beginning....Party #1, we shall call her Kay, and I have known each other for just over 2 years now. We met because I received a call about a broken down truck at a residence that I was being sent out to fix. My Boss jokingly told me the owner of the vehicle was a cougar (49) and rumored to be going through a divorce so I (A 37 single cub) should be careful.

I have never in my life believed in love at first sight....but I tell you what...there was definitely chemistry immediately between us. Feeding off this I made a move and offered her my card telling her to use it for anything she needed at all....emphasizing the ANYTHING part. I know what you are thinking and I agree....it was MAJOR lust.

We started texting, which led to long highly enjoyable phone conversations, which led to our first date. All behind her husbands back. At first that notion was exciting and fun...but then I started to fall for her...hard. It was long after our first sexual encounter that I realized I have truly fallen in love with this woman. I told myself at the time it had to be real because we had gotten everything out of the way....friendship...sex...I mean everything we did was good....everything. Our arguments were even fun.

Well this was when the sham she called a marriage came into play and the excitement wore off quickly and the sneaking became an issue. A little background of what I mean by "sham". Their marriage had fallen apart years before. They still slept in the same bed but there was no love....no sex...no nice words between them. They were only together "for the kids".

It was about 6 months into our "relationship" when I started wanting more....started having a problem with the leaving every night....usually right after awesome love making...usually shortly after...within 30 minutes. That really was my biggest complaint at the time...my love for her wanted more time...and she hated leaving too.

I never made a big scene about it...I discussed it with her....she begged me for more time and more understanding. Which I always gave to her. We knew everything about each other. I shared things with her I've never shared with anyone...and her the same. It's this knowledge that became the real problem when her husband found out about me. I'll explain that a bit more after I reveal the big reveal.

Our "relationship" became exposed due to a little mishap of her leaving her phone unlocked in the bathroom while her eldest son used the bathroom. Needless to say he seen some texts...nothing too intimate...but enough to know what was going on. He confronted her about it....she denied with a very weak story...but thought he bought it.

Everything continued as normal.

Now...when son finally told Dad about what he had found on a fishing trip for just the two of them...thats where the knowledge of each other came into play. Her and him have 3 children. 2 of which are under the age of 18. I have a.....colorful past. Made some mistakes...did a little time in prison. Learned my lesson, have been on the up and up for over nearly 20 years now. I was completely honest with her about my past VERY early on in the "relationship". She knew everything. But the first thing ole' Hubby did with the information he had was run a background check. You can imagine the chaos that ensued shortly after.

Needless to say...after a year into our "relationship" a divorce was in the works. She moved into her parents, because he used my past to scare the kids into turning against their Mother, and our "relationship" didn't change a bit. She still hid her car when she came to my apartment. She still lied to everyone to see me. All this left me with a bad taste in my mouth...I may not be proud of my past....but I have accepted it due to the fact that I am happy where I am...and feel my past led me here. But this all made me feel like I was lying to myself.

About 4 months of this my job status took a turn for the worse. My savings were dried up quickly and I was losing my apartment fast. I begged her to be open...we were so happy...we could move in and survive together. I never go more than a month without work so I just needed a place and to not lose her. She refused...stating that being open would make her entire family turn their back on her.

So I had 2 choices...be homeless and lose pretty much everything....or move in with an ex and lose her. My unhappiness with her answers...and her stance on us made me choose the latter. I was VERY open and honest with her about my intentions of moving back in with Party #2 (We shall call her Tee) but didn't have an exact date on when the move was happening.

Needless to say it happened very quickly, and I never got a chance to tell Kay about it. She was devastated to find I had moved when she showed up to my apartment the next day. With no money...phone cut off...no vocal way of contacting her, I repeatedly attempting emailing her shortly after so as not to lose contact completely. No responses.

Fast forward 3 months....finally back in the black and with a phone I called her. She came by my job nearly immediately...and all those feelings came back immediately. We shared time together whenever we could. She had another guy in her life...but in 3 months of dating he had already cheated on her. Tee and I had already remembered why we broke up the first time and had come to an agreement that we were just roommates. It is a relationship of convenience...she wasn't alone, I had a nice place to stay for low rent.

Fast forward to present....I miss her horribly. I think of her constantly. I know I hurt her by moving out...but have done everything in my power to make up for it. Even listening to her sob over this loser she calls a boyfriend every time he hurts her...sometimes being as neutral as I can be to make her happy in any manner I can. Our sex continued...usually after he hurts her....but not always. She knows all about Tee and Tee knows about her...as long as I don't bring her to the house it's all gravy. But I still feel the desire to make a life with her...and she tells me the same.

I have numerous times told her I will move out and get my own place again so her and I could be together....so he can stop hurting her...she can leave him. But she doesn't want to let him go...reasoning is because she can be open to her family about him....but they don't know what he does to her nearly on a weekly basis...I mean he promised her all these plans for her Birthday one night...then stood her up...ON HER BIRTHDAY!!! I ended up in her arms...consoled her...she told me I was the love of her life. But still cannot be with me openly because of her kids and parents.

She continues to forgive him over and over...at least she quit calling me every time he hurts her now because I finally stood up and told her I wasn't her emotional crutch...she needed to leave him and find a good man...I just want her happy even if it's not with me. But now I've lost that...and miss her even more. Feel like I made a mistake.

I just don't know what to do...I've tried moving on...I cut off contact...blocked her number...but she shows up somewhere crying begging me not to leave her. I can't stand to see her cry...so I break down every time.

She keeps asking me to wait...I pushed for specifics...she said Christmas. But nothings changed...and I know nothing will after Christmas...she still continues with him...dating and sex. While I sit at home pretty much alone waiting....been waiting for love for 2 years now....2 years today to be exact.....

What do I do?

[Boisdevie]

(Ok...first off there is no Cliff Note version of this story...so it is going to seem long and drawn out.

You were right. It was long and drawn out. I didn't bother reading it.

[DalM0m]

You grow a spine. You tell her that you will take her back as soon as she introduces you to her family. Then you stick to your guns.

[basilandthyme]

I just don't know what to do...I've tried moving on...I cut off contact...blocked her number...but she shows up somewhere crying begging me not to leave her. I can't stand to see her cry...so I break down every time.

OK, when she turns up crying and begging, tell her that you will come back only when she welcomes you into her family. If she says she can't do it yet, then tell her that you can't return to her yet.

She has the ability to fix this - and you should not accept less.

[Valixy]

Have you ever asked your boss why did he call a married woman, mother of three, a cougar in the first place? No respected woman would be called that unless she's built some kind of reputation for herself or leaves the wrong impression to people, but I may be wrong.

Anyway, is a woman who cheats on her husband, hides you from her family, denies the relationship with you and after losing everything in her life, her marriage, her children's respect, her home and her lover, jumps straight away in a new relationship where she is neglected on a regular basis, the kind of woman who you think you should invest your feelings? She should have separated first if she was unhappy, then see another man and by no means, when everything was breaking apart around her, should she have started a new relationship. If not because of the love she said she had for you, because she respected herself, but especially for her children who needed a different attitude from their mother when they just lost the harmony of their home. Unfortunately, she had other priorities and they speak a lot about who she is as a person.

You do not need this sufferance. You paid for what you did and come a long way and you should try to make yourself happy. You are now her fall back guy while she wants the guy who doesn't want her, the same way you want her but she doesn't want you. Leave this woman, just leave her, the same way you abandoned other things that were damaging your life. Give yourself time to heal, keep yourself busy, employ your energy to build some stability in your life, realise how much you need your peace of mind, strength and energy for yourself, and never go after a woman who cheats again because it's very likely that she will soon lie and disappoint you too. Learn from this relationship, let go and trust that you'll be able to be happy again in time and find someone really nice. You just have to take the right decision for yourself and respect it and learn to sacrifice some emotions that hold you back from having peace of mind, balance and a chance for real happiness.

[michelle23]

Ya all this could have been avoided if she had the balls to end her marriage first before getting with you. Then you may have had some chance at happieness but she took the easy option instead and now everyone she loves hates her.. you were stupid to get involved. You need to get her out of your life now. Emotionally shes weak and unstable, she just gives you false empty promises, tells you what you wana hear so youll wipe her tears and be some sort of emotional tampon. Shes using you. Shes always been using you and your never gonna get what you want from her

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[TablesandChairs]

So what exactly did you do 20 years ago that was so bad? You served your time. Provided it wasn't murder, rape or some heinous crime, I'm pretty sure most people would say "well, that was a long time ago, he's changed'. Besides, you're good enough to have sex with, good enough to be an emotional door-mat...but not good enough for her family? Pfft.

Is she a gold digger? It could be that you're simply not wealthy enough for her.

Otherwise, what can be said? She chose some guy who treats her like a rag over you. Upon separating from her husband, she could have made things work with you - she's 49 years old for God's sake, she doesn't need to live by her parents' rules or expectations anymore. And her children would eventually accept you, but she's not allowing for that because she'd rather be cheated on by her current boyfriend while she continues cheating with you. What a mess.

I'd summon up enough intestinal fortitude to say "Hey, if your situation changes and you can start treating me as a partner instead of a sex-buddy and shoulder to cry on, let me know. Until then, all the best'. Simple. You're not happy with the status quo, she's a lunatic and the sex can't be worth this mess, surely.

[HeartGames]

First off....thank you so much to all that actually read it and presented advice....

I actually posted this in another forum but was not getting anything in return so I tried another forum...so the info above is about a week old...

Since then she has continued to see him and pretty much cut off all contact with me...had not heard anything from her for 5 days straight which is weird...I did not text her or call her...and she did the same.

I was actually getting more and more comfortable with the fact that she was gone...although occasionally checking his Facebook to see what was going on...he is a hardcore FB person..posts everything he does...and it was a sort of connection I still had to her.

Well yesterday he ran off again on one of his dating get-together's...noticed it on FB...and it wasn't an hour later...she texted me.

I was standoffish towards her...made comments about how because he is out she all of sudden has time for me...she insisted it had nothing to do with him.

She states "This is what friends do...check up on one another once in a while"

I told her if you only want to pop in and out of my life...don't text anymore...haven't heard from her since...24 hours so far.

I knew the truth...he ditched her so she was resorting to her back burner guy...and it pissed me off....

[Valixy]

She states "This is what friends do...check up on one another once in a while"

Your problem is not that the relationship deteriorated which often happens and people put up with all kind of things trying to save it nor that she can't be with you because of family pressure. Your real problem is that you fail to see clearly that your feelings for her are misplaced and you don't have a love affair going on anymore. She has fallen completely for the other guy and when a woman loses her head to such an extent that she accepts to be treated like he treats her, it really means that she doesn't have anything left for you. It also means that she lacks character and if you sum this up to the fact that she will have a messy divorce and family tensions for a long time in her life, you'd realise that you haven't lost much. I think that you should go no contact, stick to it, concentrate on taking care of yourself and your life and give yourself a chance to meet the right woman for you.

[HeartGames]

Wow Valixy that was some straight up no BS advice and it is greatly appreciated. You are right in aspects I hadn't thought of. Being I am in love I over looked the ever growing character flaws she displays.

Still no contact from her. I am being strong and am not contacting her. It is tough because I think of her constantly throughout the day.

I know I will survive. Been through this before. Just needed to hear it from an unbiased mouth that I needed to walk away.

[Valixy]

The way I see it is that if you don't make an effort to move on now, you'll have to do it later. It's just a question of time. Too many things have happened and you can't rebuild what she's destroyed and she's unwilling to and gone from the relationship anyway, so you should really save yourself from more prolonged unnecessary heartbreak and disappointment. It might take you some time to detach completely but when you will, you won't believe how good it feels without this kind of emotional and mental abuse in your life, because this what your love relationship has become since you've tried to tolerate and live with her lack of love, respect and being with another man. This is not a case to prove how much you can endure but recognising something dysfunctional that breaks your spirit and finally taking a decision not to allow it anymore because you deserve and can have much better.