Need some opinions/advice...

[Blue Jewel]

Hi All,
I am a mother of 2 and I also have 3 step children who we have every second week. I try my hardest to treat these 3 as I do my own and I love them as I love my own. My partner runs his own business and works on average from 6am to 2pm and usually cools off at the pub afterwards until well after I have picked the kids up from school - my 2 are too young for school so I am not working but care for them full time and I'm only picking his kids up. On a Friday he usually enjoys quite a few beverages at home and feels quite under the weather for Saturdays so I take his daughter to sports at 8am - and my 2 youngest kids as he isn't yet up. when I get home he only wants to chill-out in front of the tv. On Sundays he usually heads off to golf all day. Am I wrong to be upset about this or am I being a princess? Because he works I also do all of the cooking and cleaning and bathing and homework and walking the dog. I don't (in his words) "have time" to enjoy my own sports or even go to exercise classes because he is too tired from work to look after the kids for me, so if I want to do these things I have to take the kids with me. Am I asking too much for him to help out with the housework and child minding?
Thanks in advance to any of you who want to respond. x

[michelle23]

Hes taking you for granted. He sounds v selfish. Going to the pub everyday sounds like an alcoholic.. never helping with anything-selfish and lazy.. not allowing you to have any "me time" is treating you like a slave.

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

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[Blue Jewel]

Hi Michelle23,
Thanks for your answer I was thinking pretty much exactly what you said but He says I am being ridiculous and am asking too much from him. We have been together for 6 years but for a year (before I fell pregnant) I also worked and we shared the duties and we only had his children every fortnight for the weekend. it's only gradually been getting like this for the past 3 years, perhaps I have been too kind and letting him get this way but I have by no way stopped nagging.

[basilandthyme]

Wow, I can see why he's divorced.

It's time to stop asking him to help. It's time to TELL him how it will be. Tell him that you will no longer be picking up the kids from school on a Friday. Tell him that you will not be taking his daughter to sport on Saturday. Tell him that you're doing your own thing on Sunday and cannot mind his kids while he plays golf. Yes, he will have a hissy fit and blame you, but stand your ground.

To be honest, you need to do this as much for his kids as for yourself. Absolutely no offence intended because you're doing a great job - but I bet his kids want to spend time with their dad...not hang out with the step mum.

I suspect that you standing up to him could send your relationship into full crisis mode, so be prepared for that. But let's be honest, you can't continue being used like this.


Who's house are you living in?

[Blue Jewel]

Hi Basilandthyme,

Thanks for your advice, his ex and him were terribly young when they started their family so a number of factors would have been the problem, they were extremely similar...
I would love to tell him everything you said but unfortunately I fear it will be the kids that will suffer... I pick the kids up EVERY day and take them school on our week that we have them...
I definetly know the kids would rather see their dad than me. He believes he spends enough time with them, he will kick a footy with them occasionally or go for a walk with them sometimes but I know the kids want more input than that but he thinks he needs more time to himself to chill out. I don't know if he will change and I am staying for the kids but I don't know if i'll be able to hold it together much longer... as I am starting to take it out on the kids by being cranky and unreasonable and that is just not me at all.

we are living in a house we both rent however he is the only income earner. I don't have savings to make it on my own. I do have a supportive family but feel thëy will just tell me "ï told you so" so I haven't really spoken to them about it, hence why I am online...

[basilandthyme]

Blue Jewel, my sister had to leave a domineering and abusive husband. Yes, we all saw it coming, but we were so glad to see her out of the situation that nobody bothered with the "I told you so" speech. It's quite possible that your family will just breathe a big sigh of relief. But even if they do say "I told you so" it will probably only be a one time conversation and not nearly as bad as what you're going through at present.

Staying for the kids is no way to be and especially not if the situation makes you cranky and unreasonable. If you were to leave, have you given any thought as to how you'd make it work? What skills do you have?

But before we concentrate too much on leaving, let's first look at what would happen if you just said "NO"? What reaction do you predict from him? Would you feel at all unsafe? Would he do marriage counselling? And if you stopped being his live-in babysitter, would he still want you around?

[Blue Jewel]

I'm not afraid of working to support my family. I will talk to him again and see if he wants to be reasonable and see things from my point of view because I see now that I am not being ridiculous or stupid in how I feel he is treating me. if I said NO he would probably come up with every excuse why he can't do it because that is what he usually does when I make plans to do something on my own. and it will be the kids that miss out and it will be my fault. he's definetly not one for counselling he thinks he is right all the time. I wouldn't at all feel unsafe he is not abusive but he sure knows how to make me feel like I'm the bad one. when I'm not available to look after his kids, he usually tells their mother that we can't have the kids this week and waits until I'm available.

[Boisdevie]

The guy sounds like an alcohol dependent dick. And you're a doormat.

[basilandthyme]

BJ, you say that you're there because of the kids. Can I give you the flipside to keeping the kids in the situation? They will be learning from you and him that this behaviour is OK. You don't mention what gender your kids are, so I'll cover both. Boys will learn from your partner that it's OK to treat a woman like a slave and ignore her needs. And girls will learn to let a man walk over them. I'm sure you don't want the kids to learn this lesson.

Out of curiosity, is it your kids or his that you're staying for? If it's your kids, I'd be surprised if they have a close bond with him.

[TablesandChairs]

He's lazy and makes no effort with you or his kids. You are not responsible for his children - they have a father and a mother. Anything you do for them should be because a) you want to and b) in case of emergencies etc. Even if you did decide to take an active step-parent role, that should not be taken advantage of and the moment you say "actually I need you to take care of them this week because I'm tired/need to do stuff for myself/whatever", there should be no questions asked. Why? Because what you're doing in a bonus that he should be very much thankful for. You're not obliged.

All the fathers I know work and all of them manage to do more than just come home/drink/play golf. Give him a wake up call. If he gives you the 'but I work!' argument...big deal, the whole world works.

[DalM0m]

They are his kids. You are being treated like an unpaid babysitter. It will continue until you stop it.

[michelle23]

I wouldnt tolerate this. He acts like a single man. He comes and goes as he pleases, spends half his time in the pub, does nothing around the house, doesnt spend time with the kids and treats you like a maid. I would stop doing everything, dig your heels in, be stubborn and selfish. If he wont do counselling and you wont leave-then dont cook his dinners, dont wash his clothes, dont pay any attention to him and spend as much time outa the house as possible. Start experiencing now what your life would be like without this grown child to look after and it may give you the motivation to just leave..

On the otherhand you could just go. Take the kids and leave. My mum did that when my dad was drinking too heavily and guess what? He got the shock of his life and he changed

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[basilandthyme]

On the otherhand you could just go. Take the kids and leave. My mum did that when my dad was drinking too heavily and guess what? He got the shock of his life and he changed

That would be an excellent outcome. I also recall a strikingly similar thread on a board I used to frequent and she also left her husband. He didn't change because he had no use for her if she wasn't going to be the unpaid babysitter. So sad.

[Blue Jewel]

Thank you everyone for your replies, advice and opinions, they have been very helpful. I just needed to hear from other people that I wasn't thinking crazy. I spoke with him and he agrees with everything I say, he hasn't committed to doing anything more just yet but I think he got scared that I was just about out the door if he kept saying he was right in acting the way he was. His excuse was he had a lot on his mind because his drug addict brother got arrested over the weekend for fighting in a pub and that he was sorry for not being around. I will ask him when he gets home to commit to more helping me out. We'll see....

[basilandthyme]

Please come back to the thread with an update soon xx