Need advice on short term relationship

[spiritofjosh]

Hello, I haven't been here in awhile because I thought I had finally found the "perfect" relationship I've been wanting for years...unfortunately it ended after two months. I'll try and keep this as brief, feel free to skim through if I can't keep it shorter.

We actually met several months ago through a mutual friend. Really it was just she saw me on his instagram and followed me, I told him she was cute and asked about her but he said she had a boyfriend, but in his words "a total douche***." The next day him, myself and two other friends went to the movies, something we never go do and she happened to be there with her boyfriend, coincidentally. I jokingly thought to myself; "this must be a sign, she lives a town away from me and I've never seen her before but just happened to now, whoa." Anyway, we made awkward direct eye contact 3 times and I was instantly infatuated with how beautiful I thought she was. I added her on facebook the next day and she liked some of my statuses right away and later asked our mutual friend about me adding her. He told her I thought she was gorgeous but she said she was sorry and she had a boyfriend.

Flash forward about 4 or 5 months. She's still with the same guy but starts asking our mutual friend to come hang out at the bar she's been going to with her friend, and to bring me. After a few nights like this, me being invited via our middleman friend, we got to talking a lot more..with her increasingly flirting. Flash forward a couple weeks and exchanged numbers later, we started hanging out together without our mutual friend..her asking me to go out or just simply hang out with her alone almost nightly. I was beyond ecstatic because I've had a "thing" for this girl for months but I couldn't help wondering about her boyfriend. I felt too uncomfortable to ask so soon before we got to know each other better but her facebook still listed him as her boyfriend. A week or so later after she asked me to come out, I finally asked about him. She said they've been "done" for almost 2 months now because he cheated on her and just overall they weren't compatible but they never really changed the facebook thing. She told me she didn't know why her boyfriend didn't change it, but she couldn't change it on her facebook via her phone because the facebook app always crashed so she had to borrow her mom's to change it but never did.

Anyway, after that cleared we moved quickly and we're inseparable. Made it facebook offical, everybody was happy for us, her friends told me they were so happy she found somebody that makes her as happy as she seems to be with me and that they've never seen her like that. My friends also commented on never seeing me this happy in their entire life and I honestly never felt happier. This feeling as well as constant instagram pictures of both of us together and "romantic" things we did (lighting sky lanterns for us to makes wishes together at her request is one example) remained very consistent for a month and a half. Everything was perfect, I did a whole lot for her and she did even more for me, I honestly felt like she was the one I've been wining about never finding.

The beginning of the end started when out of nowhere she started talking to her 3 old male best friends. My mistake was before I understand a situation I jump to conclusions and let my temper fly followed by my mouth. She wanted to hang out one Friday but I was tired from work and wanted to stay in to do some things, she said ok and I'll see her the next day. So she stopped texting me and went and played pool with one of those guy friends and never said goodnight or anything like she normally would. I confronted her and she had no idea why I was overreacting and said she didn't text me or say goodnight because she knew I was busy and her friend she was with had been one of her best friends for years and I just haven't met him yet, plus he's younger and totally nobody she would ever have or ever would go for. I had a hard time believing this so we didn't see eachother all weekend and she just kept fighting with me not knowing what my problem was. That Monday it escalated because she went to NYC with him and the two others, we fought more but she became much more apologetic (despite not really having to) and understood I never met these people and she sees where I'm coming from, but to talk about it after work the following day.

Communication was awkward because I still kept giving her an attitude, because I thought she was going to start pulling away and becoming distant from being around people I didn't know...something my ex of 5 years would do 4 years prior to meeting this girl, I'll get to that. We talked in person and she kept crying to me saying she was terrified I'd leave her but that I need to understand she would never hurt me, or do anything that would ever hurt me or make me think she was being shady. That those friends have been nothing more than friends to her for years and that there is no other history and never would be between them. We finally made up and things went back to normal. About 2 weeks later she got really sick and with her medication she slept almost all day and night. I only got to see her one more time after she felt better but only for a little bit because she was coughing constantly. A day or two after, she left work and went to her friend Alayna's but never texted me saying she was leaving work and going there or anything. I never made it seem like she had to check in with me but she'd always just mention "oh I'm going here after work, so if I don't answer you etc etc" just as communication, but she said nothing. Because of that I accused her of probably hanging out with her other guy friends and not wanting to tell me. Finally she answered and got offended so she sent me pictures of Alayna's house and what she said they were doing so I felt like and a$$hole.

Long story short the next day she ended it with me, but was really hesitant to come out and say it. Her reasoning was she didn't believe I'd ever trust her no matter how much she would try and show me I could. That she wanted it to work and planned on being with me a very long time but just doesn't know anymore.

Since then she still kept all of the pictures of us on her instagram and facebook and put her facebook status as "hidden" rather than it blatantly saying she's single. After two months of a perfect relationship that I ruined, I feel like this hurts much more than a long term.

My reasoning for posting is: is there a way I could ever get her back? What I mentioned before; I explained to her before she ended it that it's not that I don't trust her, its that she unfortunately reminds me of an ex I dated for 5 years so much that it's uncanny. Only thing is she has none of my ex's bad qualities, only all the good and that I was wrong to ever compare them because when I get annoyed by something I forget to remind myself they aren't the same people. An example was when I accused her of not being with her girlfriend and not texting me, that that's what my ex had done to me but really ended up lying about who she was really with..and in turn, I immediately assumed my current ex was doing the same. I basically kept explaining myself and apologizing to her but she wasn't buying it.

As of now we haven't spoke to each other for 4 days, completely no contact. But she has 3 of her favorite movies at my house and she has one of my coats, so I don't know what she plans on doing about that, I just want to give her space now.

The past 2 days confused me though. Since we we're going through the last couple days of our relationship she wouldn't like anything I'd post on facebook or instagram at all anymore, when from the beginning we would like everything each other would post. I went to a bar with my friend Thanksgiving eve and posted a picture of me there and all the people behind me because it was so crowded. 5 hours after I posted it she liked it, but I dunno if it's because she wanted to be sarcastic or because she wanted to get my attention because it wasn't a typical picture she'd like even on good terms. The next day I posted "our song" on facebook which was the song we'd say was what started the foundation to our relationship in the beginning. Before we established we liked each other we'd both take different lines out of the song and post them on facebook, and always went and looked to see and would like it..a way of saying "this is about you but I don't want to say it yet." Anyway, after I posted it she liked it. Later that night she posted another song on her facebook which is a song I know she likes but it was more of a song she knew I liked much more, one she'd put on her phone during times we'd be with each other because she knew how much I liked it. And a song nobody really knows about, its a very underground song with no popularity, something I can't see her posting for other's to hear.

So I have no idea what to get out of her right now. We haven't talked at all but I can't help thinking she may be trying to get my attention or say I miss you or something because like I tried to explain in detail, we we're both crazy about each other. She constantly tell me nobody has ever made her feel the way I did, that I inspired her, made her constantly smile and really made her feel appreciated and special. That I did things for her nobody had ever even come close to doing. And usually I'm the guy who doesn't put effort into a relationship but with her I couldn't help myself. I couldnt ever stop thinking about her but I guess I let my temper and past insecurity get the best of me.

Since this was so short lived I feel awful and I'm going to start seeing a family friend on the side who is a psychiatrist to help me let go of the past. I know I probably lost her and that I should take this as a lesson in the future. I'm hoping that with how much of a difference I made in her life, including getting her a job in a barbershop where she currently works, and how happy I made her she could look past everything I admitted doing wrong and that's why she started showing me subtle things like she did the past few days...exactly how she did before we knew we liked each other. Thanks for reading anybody who does, I could't help ranting about everything.

[pcmaster]

My reasoning for posting is: is there a way I could ever get her back?

loveforum.net/threads/85672-Guide-How-to-deal-with-breakup

youtube.com/watch?v=6Ndw8AJXz9w

This sounds like misunderstanding. Its like you misunderstood and thought she dont have love when there was more than you dared to believe you deserve.

It sounds like she in shit too. If you can do the same and keep close to your friends. Its easier not be alone now.

If you have a love then give it to her if you care then care for her. Take care of yourself and make a real efford to get her back. Just a few moments to look in her eyes and you will see if its worth trying. Texts are real BS its indirect comunaction and dont stand close to actual in person approach.

Asume that shes feeling as much as you do and dont blame yourself in anything. Keep doing whatever you are normaly doing. Quiting things because of her or because on how you feel will make you feel only worse. Whatever you did before metting her go back to these things and live as normal as you always do and even better.

P.S. Gratz on living in Jersey shore ! Spend some time on beach and being in silence on nature can realy heal the soul. Especialy near ocean.

[violet11]

Hey Josh,

It's great that you're going for counselling as you need to deal with jealousy issues. Until you do that, a relationship with any woman you feel strongly for will be impossible, as you'll always mistrust them.

If I was in her position I would want you back, but would to know you weren't going to hurt me again. I would give her a wide berth for now. Email her and tell her what you've told us - how much you miss her, how sorry you are. Take responsibility for your actions, then tell her you're going for counselling because you know you need to work some things out. Tell her you don't expect her to wait, but ask her to keep an open mind, and maybe you guys can reconnect in a few months?

Hope it works out for you. Keep me posted!

[pcmaster]

I dont blame Josh for mistrusting. They was in this eary infuation stage when she went to NY with this other guy that Josh didnt knew anything about. Plus there was many other factors not to trust her or him. Even if he trusted her there was no reason to trust that unknow guy. Afterwards it was hard to trust again and that whats caused their pain. They both did wrong so they both feel sorry and hurt. There is a real chance they can come back together if they could communicate about whats importand. Just someone have to swallow pride and make a first step. Theres nothing to lose anyway.

"Relationship is nothing without communication" Michelle23

[michelle23]

Josh i remember your first post from waayy back. Im glad your getting counselling. I think you need time out from women for awhile to face your demons from the past. It sounds like you really havnt gotten much closure from that first girl who hurt you and your bringing this emotional baggage everywhere with you. You need to heal, close that chapter, learn to trust again etc and eventually youll meet someone great

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[spiritofjosh]

Josh i remember your first post from waayy back. Im glad your getting counselling. I think you need time out from women for awhile to face your demons from the past. It sounds like you really havnt gotten much closure from that first girl who hurt you and your bringing this emotional baggage everywhere with you. You need to heal, close that chapter, learn to trust again etc and eventually youll meet someone great

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That whole time was terrible because deep down I knew I only wanted to be with that girl because she was the first serious relationship I got into after the long term one years before. After that came to pass I realized I didn't want her, I just wanted somebody but after realizing this I truly felt a huge weight lifted off, from her and the long term relationship before that. I finally felt like I was ready to be with somebody without anything holding me back and when I met this girl I couldn't help only looking forward, it was great. I actually had no feeling if I even tried to look back on any past girlfriend because I fell for her (the recent ex) hard, and it amplified it with how crazy about me she seemed to be.

Now I still ask myself why I had the notion to look back on what my exes have done to compare them to my current ex, when she was nothing but an angel to me. I feel like it was the reality that I had finally let go of the past but this current relationship wasn't something I deserved, like it was "too good" because it seemed like a living fairy tale. Even now we're broken up, my long term ex reactivated her facebook after not using it in 3 years somebody told me and I didn't even feel the urge to look at it, or see what she's been up to, who shes dating, etc. So hopefully I can find out from counseling why if I really feel I'm over her, I still compared my current ex to her despite no bad-quality likeliness, because my current ex far surpassed all feelings I ever remember having for the long term ex.

It's been 7 days since I spoke to my ex and it feels like it's been a month. I have no temptation to text or message her which is good but I miss her so much it hurts. I posted another status today of song lyrics from a band I know she isn't familiar with, basically saying everything reminds me of her (lyrically) and she liked it a couple hours after I posted it. I really wish this situation wasn't confusing me so much and knew if she missed me, wanted to be friends, or was using my "obviously about her" facebook statuses as a way of getting my attention. But again, I want to leave her alone for now.

[violet11]

Dude, liking your status is a green light... Why dont you drop a little FB message? Nothing heavy. And if it evolves tell her you have been trying to give her space. It sounds like you two are both hurting and missing each other, and it seems sad to break up over this, even though my above advice still holds.

Maybe I'm biased though, because I'm in a similar situation (two people love each other, guy ****s up, I'm ignoring him, we're both in agony).

[spiritofjosh]

Dude, liking your status is a green light... Why dont you drop a little FB message? Nothing heavy. And if it evolves tell her you have been trying to give her space. It sounds like you two are both hurting and missing each other, and it seems sad to break up over this, even though my above advice still holds.

Maybe I'm biased though, because I'm in a similar situation (two people love each other, guy ****s up, I'm ignoring him, we're both in agony).

Well, just last night at 1:30 am (when she definitely knows I'm usually in bed because I have work in the morning) she texts me saying she gave a mutual friend my jacket I left in her car, because "I'd see him before her probably." I just said he didn't tell me but thanks, and she texted me again saying you're welcome, and that she still has a pair of my shorts she wore home if I want them, but I told her they weren't a huge issue to me.

I wanted to say; "look let's stop being childish and we'll talk, because I damn well know you didn't need to text me to remind me a friend has my coat who I talk to every day." It's obvious she used it as an excuse, especially because I have 3 of her movies still and she didn't mention those.

After she said ok about my shorts I didn't say anything else, but waited a half hour, said f*** it to myself and texted her "I miss you, you know." She responded with I miss you back, a$$hole." We talked until 3:30 in the morning until she fell asleep and it definitely cleared a lot. She said she's still hurt and bitter over this breakup, that she wishes I would have just listened to her from the beginning and we'd still be happy together now. That she constantly thinks about telling me stuff like normal but has to stop herself, and that she had to drive by my house yesterday and it was torture. Without sending desperate I told her all my feelings, how much she means to me, etc and she just kept saying she doesn't want to jump back into a relationship right now because she doesn't know if I'll act like that again, but what I did was forgivable just not forgettable.

I didn't realize until now how much she was/still is hurt because when it happened she didn't seem like it phased her. Unfortunately since she fell asleep mid conversation last night, she only texted me today apologizing for falling asleep, I said it was alright and I haven't heard from her since.

As I was doing, I'm going to give her space and not pester her. She obviously has things she's thinking about so I won't get between that and at least I'm going back to giving her space with her knowing my real feelings. Hopefully she comes around.

[pcmaster]

Just give her some positive emotions man. Like buy flowers, give a kiss etc. Once you are happy you can easly make her feel same way and once she feels good it will feel right to be with you. And thats how you get her back.

[spiritofjosh]

Now I feel like I'm back to square one. Despite talking to her the night before like I mentioned I talked to her again last and she basically was and admitted to being stubborn but told me it's us being friends or nothing at all right now. Her justification was that we moved so fast from the beginning that she felt we didn't fully get to know each other yet and that's why we had the problems we did that broke us up (aka me acting out, out of nowhere). I do see her point and I asked if she didn't have feelings for me but she said "of course I still have feelings for you, they're just on hiatus right now," which is because she's still bitter.

I just don't know what to do now. Do I become her friend now like it was when we were first getting to know each other or is this going to end up me being friend-zoned?

I'm nervous she's going to be stubborn and not want to ever see me even as friends where I can't even act like we're starting from scratch. I can be patient and take things one step at a time if it seems like it could work itself out.

[violet11]

Josh, honestly - this is positive. She clearly cares for you but she's being sensible. She doesnt want to get hurt again. She wants to see what kind of man you are: by taking time to get to know you through friendship, but also to see if you care enough about her to be able to be with her whilst still respecting her wishes and boundaries.

I still recommend telling her that you're going for therapy.

[michelle23]

No you never demote yourself from bf to friend. Did we not go through this the last time josh? Its all or nothing and you need to tell her that. If you lose her for good so be it. Dont give her all the power and allow her to place you on a string like a pupper by friend zoning yourself!

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[spiritofjosh]

No you never demote yourself from bf to friend. Did we not go through this the last time josh? Its all or nothing and you need to tell her that. If you lose her for good so be it. Dont give her all the power and allow her to place you on a string like a pupper by friend zoning yourself!

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I told her being her friend is out of the question. She said it's not about being friends it's about us moving too fast in the beginning before getting to know each other, and as a result we had this issue come up and break our relationship apart. She says it's like I flipped some switch and started acting the complete opposite of who she fell for, and if she were to jump back into a relationship with me she doesn't want the same thing to repeat and her be hurt all over again.

Without sounding biased I do not blame her, in her position I wouldn't tell my ex "ok, let's just be dating again" and hope it doesn't end up that way. I'd be weary at first and want to see how they'd be as friends and when I could trust them again and know they trust me (her issue here) than you start the relationship over, naturally.

During the first time I've spoken to somebody regarding this I was told to cut myself out and look at it from her point of view, and try and imagine what she sees and feels and it almost disgusted me that that's how I was to somebody I claim to care this much for. I wouldn't be comfortable if my girlfriend told me she didn't trust me when I know I would never do anything to hurt her, especially if normal things I'd do she'd basically tell me I was probably doing something else.

I told her all of this last night and partially the night before. She didn't say she would never date me again, she said she can't jump right back into it without knowing if that's who I really am or not. She said she misses me and definitely still has feelings for me but is trying to put them on hiatus because she's hurt from this still.

Today was her first day back at her old job, I arranged for all white flowers to be delivered to her at her job tomorrow as a nice gesture that I'm still the same person she originally fell for and to wish her good luck. I only had good luck at her new job written on the note. Either than that, I'm going back into NC like I did before. She knows how I feel and knows where to find me. I deleted her number from my phone just so if I'm tempted to contact her I can't.

[michelle23]

Why exactly did ye break up? Did you do something untrustworthy?

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[spiritofjosh]

Why exactly did ye break up? Did you do something untrustworthy?

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I try not to make the posts so long with the details but basically she reminds me a lot like an ex I dated for 5 years. Not in a personality way, their personalities are much different and I particularly care for the latter ex more. When I first started the 5 year ex, she was shady right from the start. It was my first serious, long term relationship so it was easy for me to let everything go, but at first she threw red flags. She'd respond to guy's messages on myspace more friendly than I felt comfortable with, argue with her ex's new girlfriend because "she stole him," lying, all kinds of crap. It wasn't until a few months later she really closed off all of that and focused on us and our relationship and was very good to me, very open, enthusiastic and caring. Took very good care of me. But she would go through spurts of the red flags she threw from the beginning until she finally ended it with me for good.

After years apart and dating the ex I posted here about months ago, I finally felt like my emotional attachment was over with the 5 year ex and the one following. I felt ready to date somebody new with a clear head and nothing to look back at, yet I still always wondered "who" or "what" kind of girl would I really want now because I've dated all kinds of girls and I always got red flags from them.

So finally I met my current ex, months ago but she had a boyfriend. It wasn't until recently they broke up and she found me and after hanging out non stop for 3 weeks we made it official. And up until I made things turn for the worse it was perfect. When I say she was similar to my 5 year ex, I meant that when I said the 5 year ex would be caring, passionate, and treated me like I was the only man on earth, my current ex treated me like this since day one. She really went out of her way to make me happy and show me how much I meant to her. So much I kept thinking that it wasn't real and that it was too good to be true and started to think that since she reminds me of my ex, she may end up doing things my ex did.

An example would be she took me to a bon fire for her friend's birthday, her friend's boyfriend being one of my ex's closest friends from years ago. Him and two other of her really close guy friends were there and they all caught up and I got to meet them. A few days later her friend's girlfriend actually relapsed and was sent states away to rehab so him and her basically were forced to break up. The following Friday I told my ex I was going to stay in because I had stuff to do and I was tired, she said ok and we'll just see each other the next day. She didn't text me afterwards at all and when I asked why the next day she said she didn't want to bother me while I did my stuff so she went and played pool with one of her old friends I met the other night. This has happened with the 5 year ex several times but it would end up her basically acting as if I didn't exist and only hang out with that friend. I mistakenly assumed my current ex would do the same, so I made a big issue of it saying she was going to start distancing herself. We argued about it the whole weekend via text until Monday while I was at work she went to NYC with one of the other friends. I fought even more backing up her distancing herself because we always planned to go to NYC. She got really upset and wanted to talk in person, so we did, she cried a lot and said she would never do anything to hurt me or give me a reason to ever not trust her, and told me that the 3 people I met were her best friends and never anything more and never would be but she understood my paranoia because I never met them before recently. After that we made up and it was back to normal.

She got really sick one weekend a couple weeks later where she stayed home and slept almost the entire day, 4 days in a row because of the mixture of medications. I couldn't really get in touch with her to see if I could stop by because she wasn't awake long enough. One night she said she got up and gave her one friend a ride home locally because he didn't drive and couldn't reach anybody else. I read her text wrong and thought she said she got up to go for a drive with him, like hang out. So I argued saying she couldn't be awake long enough for me to come see her but she could drive around with her friend. She argued back saying that wasn't what she meant, etc. I apologized and that was that. Then a couple days later she went to work after being kind of weird towards me and went to her girlfriend's after. Usually she'll check in and just say hi and that she was going where ever but she didn't so I got worried because she was still sick and texted her making sure everything was ok. She didn't answer me until almost 2 hours after saying she went to her girlfriend's but her phone was charging downstairs so she was sorry she didn't answer me sooner, but was still being nice. Again, I thought she was being distant and for some reason thought that she was with one of her male friends and didn't want to tell me. I brought this up and she sent me pictures of her and her girlfriend playing family feud with her girlfriend's parents, proving me wrong. I apologized but she went off about how I don't trust her and she doesn't know what more she can do about it. Finally the next day I asked her what she wanted to do and reluctantly she said she didn't think it would work. The rest is what I started here, me going NC and her contacting me because she misses me.

This makes me sound insane, and I mentioned all this to her already, how I compared her to my ex and situations my long term ex put me through and I was scared she would do the same because they were similar in a lot of ways, the whole too good to be true thing, etc. This is why I see where she's coming from; why jump into a relationship so soon after only breaking up less than two weeks ago to find out the hard way I'd do the same? Why I'm here is because I want her back because I realized the mistakes I made where unforgettable, but after losing her I realize that I can't gamble a very important relationship by assuming she's going to be somebody else, especially when she didn't do anything to really make me think that way. The fact she's even admitting she still has feelings is a surprise and contacting me saying she misses me as well. If the only way I can prove I won't act on such things is to fall back to where it was before we started dating. Just meeting up with her to go see a local band or something else and just acting like a gentleman, making her laugh, charming, who I really am. If she really cares for me the feelings she claims to still have will still be there and maybe she'll see I won't replay my past actions and take this as an important lesson learned while I'm working on myself professionally.

As for now, NC until the smoke clears and if she wishes to contact me she may. This was long and why I chose not to type it all out.